Too afraid *tw*

[songbirdrosa]

For the longest time, I've said that I don't want to have children. If someone asks, I usually say that it's because I'm just not maternal and I don't really know what to do with young kids, which is true enough. (I'm the youngest child, and I didn't really have much exposure to infants and toddlers growing up so they kinda freak me out.) But - and this is something I've never admitted to anyone until now - I really don't want kids because I'm just so terrified of getting it wrong the way my parents got it wrong. I already see elements of my mother in myself, and it scares me to the bone that they'll suffer under the same circumstances and that they'll end up just like me. Utterly shattered, unable to function in normal life, and wishing every day that they'd never existed. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone and I'd be so disgusted with myself if I were to bring someone entirely innocent into my world only to have them suffer the same fate. My psychologist told me that it's a great sign that I'm getting help while I'm still relatively young that that won't happen, but I'm still anxious. A lot of what happened to me went on without my parents knowing about it and I know I'd be so scared that something like it would happen to them.

But of course, I can't say that to just anyone. Like I said before, I haven't even admitted it out loud until I said it to my psych yesterday. And people just don't listen anyway! They're dismissive, they imply that I don't know what I'm talking about, or that I'm just being dramatic. My mother has even said that I should be glad that she didn't think the same way as I do! Most of the time I wish she would have, then I wouldn't be spending my whole life paying for what other people did to me! And that's at the heart of what's going on here. I don't want to have kids, because I don't want them to resent the fact that they exist. Like I do.

Well, this turned into more of a rant than I was anticipating. But I suppose these feelings have to come out one way or another.

[Lingurine]

Songbirdrosa, I totally get you on the children part. I too, have decided not to have children, afraid of what my past would do to them, and petrified if my own past would interfere with the upbringing of children of my own. I chose not to have them and don't regret it. Pets are my love, there are other ways to make life beautiful. Wishing you peace in making a decision with your heart.

Lingurine

[tea-the-artist]

hey songbirdrosa! i understand this perspective too. a few months ago i decided i just did not want kids, and from our perspectives and feelings it absolutely makes sense. those people who are dismissive don't get it. and the folks who might say we'll change our minds can buzz off too!

im just 24 and i feel, actually i know it's reasonable. complex trauma is something we have to work at for a very very long time, often seen as a lifelong effort. and in so many cases, that effort requires us to focus on ourselves. and if that means not adding children to the mix, then that's our choice! I think people often feel like the reason to have children is to "make life beautiful." and as Lingurine said, there's other ways to make it so.

honestly, if anything it shows that we care enough not to want to bring an innocent being into it when we may not have even gotten to the stage of mental health that would be required to take care of a child. once we know how to healthily take care of ourselves, we can have kids. and when that time comes, and we decide we don't want kids anyway, then again. so be it! your fears and concerns for any hypothetical children are absolutely valid, songbirdrosa.

[Dee]

I have kids.  I was determined to make their life better than my own.  I read everything I could get my hands on.  I joke that my kids were raised by a book.  Somehow, I did okay.  They are good, honest, compassionate kids.  They are both getting ready to move out and begin their lives as adults.  I'm not saying I was perfect, they were sheltered at times.  I do feel confident that they have not had the same experiences I did.  Also, my kids tell me I am a good mom.  I can look at them and feel that I got that right.

I think when we have suffered we have a better idea of what not to do or what to do differently.  I remember all the times I thought "when I have kids...." growing up, and I did just what I said I would.  I remembered these things and I made a point to not let the cycle continue.

In some ways I think my trauma made me a better mom.

[sanmagic7]

since i was clueless about what was going on with me (for the most part - when i got pregnant the first time, i only knew i couldn't raise a kid by myself, and my hub was an alcoholic cokehead.  not a good environment for either me or the baby.  i let him talk me out of the abortion because i wanted to believe him that we would work things out.  boy was i wrong.

same with the second marriage and pregnancy.  i thought this time things would be different.  wrong again.  i read all the books, too, but since i didn't realize anything was wrong with me, i just did the best i could.  both my daughters have suffered.  i've apologized to my younger for bringing her into this family.

if i could go back, i wouldn't have children.  it breaks my heart when i think of what mine have gone thru.  i didn't learn about any of this in any concrete way until after they were grown and out of the house.  people like dee and wife2, who know what has gone on and have been determined to do it differently with their kids, for them i have the utmost respect.  they, and i'm sure there are others, are shining examples of how knowledge and determination and real love can make a difference. 

i also respect anyone's decision not to have kids, for whatever reason.  more shining examples of how knowledge, determination, and real love can make a difference.  i salute you all.

[Blueberry]

 I don't have children. I would be afraid of passing things on. Not necessarily overt abuse. More like depression and all that goes with it. I have pets and I even neglect them a bit sometimes. e.g. atm one of them is meant to get medicine every 2-3 days. A few weeks ago I didn'T give it to her for a whole week. Needless to say the problem has gone back to square one. I don't always take my own meds either.

I'm involved with the children of friends, but the good thing is: it's not 24/7. When I'm in a bad way, these children have their parents and their own lives.

I'm truly happy for those of you on here who've managed to bring up children despite everything.

[Gromit]

I did worry that I might be like my mother, but I had already done some work on myself and I was clear I did not want my mother looking after my children.

I do still feel guilty that I may have damaged my son, my first born, I have learnt so much since having him. It was when my mother used him to justify her own behaviour that I went vocal and no and I haven't looked back.

Sometimes my kids ask their dad why they don't see my parents but we are very honest with them. Had to be honest with them last week, I had an IBS attack after some manipulation from my sister. They know my family is nuts.

And, best of all, they seem to prefer to have me as their mum than any other mums that they know.

The thing that was hardest, with my first born was that I did not know anything. When I did some training to be a counsellor I looked at infant development. Other people said how they instinctively knew how to look after their child. Nope, not a clue here, probably because I didn't have that instinctive care. I was the youngest child, but my mother had been hospitalised when my sister was born, she didn't care for her, her mother did. She hadn't got a clue when I came along either, and, with the second, everyone assumes you know what you are doing.

I guess, everyone here is aware of the damage that can be done, so, if you don't want kids, don't. However, awareness does make it less likely that you repeat what happened to you, you just make different mistakes.

My kids, (14, 11) are wonderful, annoying, bright, cheeky, I am honest with them. I would not be without them.