Deciding to tell my kids 'something'

[eucatastrophe21]

I've read some other posts in this section about what to divulge to one's children. I am considering saying some things to my kids; here's why:

I never did before, because I built my life around denying it. Somehow, I managed to compartmentalize and ignore much of my pain and acknowledgment of abuse and neglect. I just thought I was an anxious, depressed, semi-crazy person who could keep it all sort of in check with a regimen of a lot of exercise, meditation, careful diet.... Only problem was, that if I let go of any part of that, I would find myself having suicidal ideations and bouts of anxiety and depression that just took all my energy.  So, only this year did I stumble on to having to face the past and the roots of all the anxiety.

I realized that I want to share some more with my daughters about what is 'going on with me.' But I really DO NOT want to use them to process or GET sympathy. It really is about them. But I am realizing that sometimes in the morning, I might have a few tears and I think they feel I'm hiding something -- not just natural. I talked to my wife about this and she thinks it would be good to say a bit more to them. So I want to be real and conscious with them. But I don't want to get triggered into saying things that are too much for them. So I want to have some guidelines for sharing authentically, but in a way that also respects their innocence.  I think the "keep it simple stupid" principle applies here and I can just say "even when a lot of time goes by, you might still feel sad about things that you never got the chance to be sad about before." 

Lastly, maybe in all of this I might share the gift of not holding "negative" emotions as taboo. Maybe that would be good for them. I know for me, it is hard to keep up the facade of always being up-beat. I may need to find some more space and time to grieve. As a busy parent, it's hard to do that on schedule ("I will grieve today after dropping my daughter off at gymnastics"). It doesn't work that way. It comes up when you're around people and get triggered and feel vulnerable... My wife left town for a week recently. I cried that morning. That felt embarrassing.  I used to not even miss her when she left, and now I cry the morning she leaves.  So much shame and I still feel selfish and small and defective for having to navigate so much emotion that's never been let out.

[YogaAbba]

I never did before, because I built my life around denying it. Somehow, I managed to compartmentalize and ignore much of my pain and acknowledgment of abuse and neglect. I just thought I was an anxious, depressed, semi-crazy person who could keep it all sort of in check with a regimen of a lot of exercise, meditation, careful diet

OMG I know exactly what you mean. It's like stability sometimes feels like a house of cards built out of all these healthy practices. It so _should_ be enough. But with this kind of history, it isn't necessarily always enough.

I was kind of forced to share my history with one of my daughters when she was 14 when she visited her cousins unaccompanied and asked my sister why I don't have a relationship with my mother. It turned out that she had been curious for years. I also think that she sort of just knew that I don't always run on all  four cylinders.

I totally get not wanting to dump so much information on the kids because you don't want to use them to process the information. That was one of the ways in which my boundaries were violated when I was a child and so I have a profound understanding of how delicately one has to navigate this kind of thing. It can be done. For me, I think it was a matter of discussing what I would share with my kids with my therapist and my wife and rehearsing it a bit. It can be done. It just takes some effort.

In the end I think it's worth it because secrets are generally a Bad Thing. I put a lot of effort into making a safe and loving environment for my kids and so they naturally have a kind of buoyancy and vibrance that it has taken me many years to develop as an adult. It feels like disclosing this kind of thing to them risks bursting the bubble, so to speak. But I think that at some level they really already know. Finding the right words to tell them ultimately strengthens them because it gives them a more truthful understanding about you and about the world.

My wife left town for a week recently. I cried that morning. That felt embarrassing.  I used to not even miss her when she left, and now I cry the morning she leaves.  So much shame and I still feel selfish and small and defective for having to navigate so much emotion that's never been let out.

This _so_ happens to me also. Separation anxiety and despair. I know it well. So, yeah, I think revealing the challenging side of life to the kids can be ok -- it's all a matter of how it's done.

Best of luck.
--YA

[Dee]

I can relate here so much.  I have two young adult kids (17,20) and I am having to share more and more.  I have come to the conclusion they need to hear things from me.  Also, they deserve to know just what that elephant in the room is.

The first time, I had to tell them I had an eating disorder because I was going into inpatient treatment.  I didn't want them to worry about me so I sugar coated it (I shouldn't have).  I also did address the eating disorder some in treatment, but I really was on the trauma unit.  They took it so well and was super supportive.  When I extended my stay they told me to take all the time I need, they wanted me to be healthy.  It never turned into them trying to parent me and they seem to have accepted the eating disorder really well.

Now, I am working about telling them about my past abuse.  There is this dark secret in my family and my kids deserve to know.  Also, my abuser went to prison and it is public record, easily found on the internet.  I recently had family in another country tell me they had found it.  My kids can't learn about it from the internet.

I have made a plan.  I am writing something to both of them that they can read.  In my writing I am letting them know I am open for questions within reason, no details.  I additionally am letting them know that I am the parent and that will never change.  This way I can be organized, not overly emotional, and I am worried the words won't come.  After they read it I am going to take them to therapy with me.  It took me a long, long time to get here.  I finally was able to look at some things my kids say and I know they feel something is just not right.  They deserve to know what that is.  I don't want secrets to be part of my relationship with them.  I don't want them to hide things from me.  How can I expect them not to if all I do is teach them to.

I feel for you.  Deciding what, how much, and when to give our kids information is difficult.  Additionally, I am sure like me you don't want to do anything to make them sad.  While inpatient I said I don't want my kids to cry.  The therapist responded with why would I want that.  It is part of feeling and natural.   Now I want them to know they can feel upset, hear unpleasant things, and still be okay.  They can tolerate the storms and be okay.