Real Love can overcome & even heal scars of abuse. **Trigger Warning**

[SoulSurvivor76]

**Trigger Warning**  (Graphic content but last 2 paras are very positive)


After my mother married my stepfather when I was 3 years old, my childhood became the epitome of abuse & neglect.  We lived in filth & squalor; usually with no utilities or food; overrun by roaches and mice. I 100% believe that my hypo-immune disorder is the direct result of my immune system being overworked from fighting off the various agents of sickness & disease that were fostered in the unsanitary living conditions I was forced to stay in from ages 3-14.  We rarely had any running water, hot water was a luxury.  I had headlice like some people have dandruff, and because of it my hair was never longer than the back of my neck...I've kept it about waist level since I was 23! Because of the dilapitated state of the buildings we lived in, along with the lack of clean clothes, clean hair, no socks, short hair, malnutrition and lack of basic hygiene due to severe neglect, I was bullied mercilessly at school from 6-8 grades. Being bullied by my peers at school and by my family at home during puberty caused me to be severely emotionally unstable as I was never allowed to SHOW emotions, much less taught the proper ways to express them. 

Years of physical, verbal, mental, sexual abuse; neglect and mental torture culminated in a severe episode of psychosis when I was 13.  The silent, scared, lonely, withdrawn, meek little girl that i had become was no more; in her place developed a hateful, defiant, angry and mean young woman who had finally, like the dog kicked too many times, lashed out at my abusers; but most of my anger was directed at my complacent, cowardly mother because of the lack of motherly love & protection she showed me throughout my childhell. Because of this outburst, and the subsequent violent episodes against anyone I felt was trying to bully me, I was hospitalized 5 consecutive times before the court removed me from her custody at age 14 and then placed into several different mental hospitals, group homes, foster homes, etc.  During several of these stays, I was evaluated numureous times & diagnosed with S.A.D., O.D.D., B.P.D., intermittent explosive disorder, suicidal tendencies, severe depression and at least 13 episodes of 'psychotic outburts'.  I was given different medications almost bi-weekly, drugs such as Prozac, Ritalin, Melaril, Ativan, Thorazine, Thoridazine, and several different anti psychotic & anti depression medications.  Idk what, if any, long term affect the use of so many different drugs had on my still growing brain. 

At age 23, I was "formally" diagnosed with PTSD/DTD by a court ordered psychiatrist. Less than a year later I was put on disability for C-PTSD.  I never even noticed the C until about 5 years ago, age 35, at a periodic hearing to determine my eligibity or lack thereof.....I am still on disabilty today at age 41.  The main thing I am still crippled by is my 'bully radar'.....if I feel even slightly bullied or disrespected, I will demand an apology and if denied, I get physically violent. There is no in-between, gray area on this issue....I have a severe inate bullying complex that is ingrained into my personal identity. It is as much a part of me as are my brown eyes, my bodily structure, my IQ, etc.......it is never going to change. I've tried & tried over the years with no success.   

I still try so hard, but its a daily struggle just to maintain & avoid situations that can cause confrontation.  I have my 13 yr old daughter to think of, and knowing that without me she will be vulnerable to abuse & possibly undergo emotional trauma(s) that i have fought so hard to protect her from has kept me from becoming violent in nearly all of my confrontations in the last 10 years, although its mostly because I avoid going out in public as much as possible & try to do so when there are less people likely to be out. Despite my childhood traumas & the issues I face in dealing with other people in generaI, I take immense pride in the fact that******* Despite being told by the court psychiatrist at age 23 that "due to the years of severe sexual, physical and mental abuse, trauma and violence I was forced to endure with little to no protection from my mother, the bullying at school, the lack of any moral training or coping skills and the continued exposure to abhorrent living conditions and repeated, constant trauma I had either endured or witnessed, it was 'extremely unlikely' if not 'impossible'  that I would ever be able to give or receive love in a 'normal' fashion and unless I received 'intense prolonged interventive therapy and psychiatric care', I would never posess any real maternal instincts, drives, bonds, etc.  My ability, or even the slightest desire in me, to nurture would never manifest as I was denied this basic human right by my own mother, and as I had  never experienced and thereby never learned to nurture even myself ' I should therefore be encouraged to refrain from having children or caring for children in any capacity until a board licensed & certified doctor of psychiatry declared me  to be 'mentally fit and emotionally stable' (direct quote from the findings presented to the court by the court ordered psychiatrist on Oct. 22, 1998!) ********

I have raised my 13 year old daughter by myself & she has NEVER been abused, in any way, shape or form; nor has she she ever done without food, electric, water, a clean, safe home or nice clothes. I nurtured her from day one, still love & nurture her, and in turn she has an amazing sense of self worth, high self esteem & personal regard, a good, kind, loving & loyal heart, she feels very loved and wanted & she has just enough attitude to ensure that she will never let anyone abuse, mistreat or bully her. I purposely instilled these things in her that I was either denied or robbed of as a child; I guess I wanted to see, in a sense, how different my persona would be if my mother had done her job, in even the slightest regard.  In my beautiful baby girl, I saw a chance to partially heal and I took it.  By being a loving, nurturing, caring, and protective mother to her, I was some how able to heal from many of my emotional scars. Deep down, in spite of the anger, hurt, distrust, defensiveness  & heavy scarring it contained, my heart was always good, always pure & I suppose it just needed a safe outlet in which it could finally pour forth the love and beauty that it had kept hidden & all but forgotten for so many years.  Being able to give love & to accept love, even if it is just between my daughter and I, is a blessing of joy that I had never dared to imagine I would ever experience. 

Miracles come in many forms....and I whole heartedly believe that my daughter is not only my miracle, she was given to me to teach me to love, to forgive, to laugh, to hope, and to learn everyday.  I hope my short version of one part of my story is beneficial to someone else, in any way.  My heart is changing, evolving and growing.....If I can pass this on to just one other person, I am more than happy to do so.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS SoulSurvivor  . 

It has always amazed me to see that spark of humanity that does survive the * of trauma and abuse in post after post here.   I honestly don't quite know how that happens, but it does.  As you say, there are things in life like our children who can help to fan that spark into a nice warm fire to help chase away the darkness and coldness of the past.  I feel a tremendous sense of pride that my H and I have broken the cycle of abuse in our families. 

So glad you and your daughter have that in your lives