Self Observation-Nostalgia and Feelings (*triggers*)

[Phoebes]

I recently went on a mini vacation to an area I have been to many times over my life. There has always been very fond memories of times with my grandparents there. I was especially close to my GM, the one who I feel "saved" me. She was my real mom. I've always been excited with anticipation to go, even as an adult. (As an adult, my mom has been out of the pic there as she and dad were divorced when I was a late teen).

Anyway, I just went, and noticed within myself that I had no excitement, anticipation or nostalgia whatsoever about going. Some of my family was there, and while they are nice people in general, I could not help but feel like, since I am conscious about what has happened to me now, and have gone NC with my uM, and VLC with Nd...I couldn't help but feel like they have NOT been supportive, or even care to converse with me. I realize that my family do not "connect" with me. They do with others, but not me. I try to strike up conversation and the response ranges from minimal to immediate interruption and walk away. It's as if they have zero interest or respect for me. Trying not to feel a victim, I just kept thinking oh well, that's them. That's how they've always been, come to think of it. Come to think of THAT, my sister and I have been the odd people out because of our mom's behavior and our parents' divorce. It's funny but my mom left my dad in a very cruel way, and then was upset and befuddled when she did not continue to be invited to HIS family gatherings. (This should have been another big red flag to the crazy).

Backing up a bit, I talked to my sister about how this lack of acknowledgement and basic respect makes me feel, and she said they just don't know what to say because they don't have interest int eh same topics. What? I don't have anything in common with them either but interrupting and walking away does not enter my mind as an option. The other thing is that since I have never been married it's as if I'm a child. My aunt who is not much older than me will "lay down rules" that she will tell my sister and me, but then the younger generations are not told and don't follow.

I blame myself for these things.."you teach people how to treat you", right? Well, I am nice to them, helpful, strike up conversations they "would be interested in", etc and nada. I am begging and tip toeing around trying to please. And this time I just thought screw that, I will do what I want and not follow along with the crowd. I did exactly what I wanted and I don't think it mattered. Who knew? Always so many rules.

Thinking through the reasons and conscious part of all of this though, I think I realize now that I have always been a black sheep in my family because of my uNm!! I'm not just pointing a finger here, but looking back, she would be so controlling and abusive in their presence, but no one said anything. Ever. She planted seeds to make me look like a problem child or crazy. I became very close to my GM and I think my family saw that as clingy and weird. Over the top. They wonder why I haven't married. Also, Nm was so critical about my every move and word, we would often get in the car after a family visit and she would berate me for saying or doing ______, and I would feel sick to my stomach that my family obviously thought I was bad for what I did. (Like for instance I said I liked my uncle's jeans one time and that I wanted some like that (I was like 9), and my mom berated me in the car of how rude that was to talk about and how I was not getting men's jeans anyway. Said with disgust and disdain). And many more like that.

So back to the lack of nostalgia..I felt like since I have been processing all of this for a couple of years,have gone NC with Nm, I have processed some very abusive episodes, and some of them happened while on vacation there. When I was there I could not help but be triggered. I didn't allow myself to go there, as I was trying to have a good time! But I could not help but think that all of the nostalgia and love of this place with family was really sort of unrealistic thinking..along the lines of thinking I was loved when I wasn't. When I think back to earlier days and times, it was really all so narcissistic on my parents' part. We had enough fun and escape from every day life in our once a year little vacation that this was a big huge end-all-be-all of a place to me. I missed the small amount of freedom, and the small amount of attention from my dad, when we got back home. I think this is where the nostalgia came from. And now that I know that my mom is malignant N and my dad is still big time enabler, and my family does not care to converse with me, and my GM is gone, I don't have feelings about this place like I did.

One other aspect is that as a young child, I was so controlled. I remember one time I was having fun in the river, playing with river rocks, and my mom called me over. I was mid-play, as kids are and did not IMMEDIATELY get up and come, and she started saying if I didn't come right then I was going to get whipped. I said ok, jumped up and started across the rapids. I wrenched my back and it hurt, and said so, and she came across the rapids and whipped me all the way back across the river saying in her evil voice when I tell you to do something you do it right then (in rhythm to the hits). This is how she was. I would not wish this treatment on any child. Although all of the young children in our family rule the vacation, throw major fits, and dictate what the adults do, are very disrespectful. I don't agree with t hat either, but more of a balance. It's hard for me though to deal with major melt down after melt down of unnecessary proportions when I'm trying to enjoy a relaxing weekend and while thinking how I was treated when I was not even throwing a fit. Makes me realize just how abusive my M was. If I say something I am the impatient, hard-nosed aunt who doesn't understand because she doesn't have kids of her own. Is there a way for everyone to have fun, for kids to be able to express themselves without turning t he day into a big fit? If not, maybe I shouldn't be around them.

Sorry for the long ramble..just trying to process rather than get depressed. I've been feeling so much better lately, having rounded a corner and not feeling guilty or so depressed. All of my previosu feelings of suicidal ideation are gone. I truly feel like I don't deserve to feel that way-not on their account.

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, i agree that you don't deserve to feel anything neg. on anyone's account.  i don't think you need to blame yourself, either.  they sound to me like a bunch of frightened, rude, uninterested people.

i say frightened cuz of what they may have heard about you, the lies told to them that may have caused them to think of you as someone to be wary of.  certainly rude for the interruptions and walking away.  definitely not interested enough to discover what kind of person you really are, ignoring your pleasantness and willingness to be part of the group.

it's no wonder to me that you felt no nostalgia - like you said, your 'moments' of feeling good were only in response to what was actually going on in your everyday life.  your realizations around your gm, a loving person to you, who is now no longer there, are bogged down in the reality of the situation, rather than lifted up by renewed contact with family members who are still around.

it's so very sad, isn't it, when we understand a neg. truth that hadn't been part of our perspective before.   i guess this was a learning experience for you, one that will help you make possibly different decisions in the future.   all the best with this.   

[Phoebes]

Thank you for reading my long dissertation, and for really hearing the major points, sanmagic! Sometimes a topic is on my mind but when I start writing, way too much flows out. I think I feel like what was such a special, nostalgic, once-a-year feeling was really what healthy families experience all of the time. Getting to have a little fun should not be so special that it's only expected once a year, and then it even being spoiled by abuse some of the time.

You're right about the feeling bogged down. It was a (mostly) uplifting time to go on vacation there especially when my GM was in tow. She really "saw" me and we did a lot together throughout life. Oddly, just a few minutes ago, one of my aunts who was there this past week just called me to check on me (I had twisted my ankle) and we chatted about a few things very nicely. It really made me feel better to know she thought of me! I feel very alone a lot, and I know it's not others' job to see and fix that, but it is nice when someone wants to interact. It is true that I have very little in common in general and I wouldn't want to. They are very into hunting and eating what they killed, and I am vegan..to name one.

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad you had your gm with you in your life for long enough to have pleasant memories about being with her.  hopefully, someday there will be more people like that.   very cool that your aunt called.    big hug.