What Do Your EF's Feel Like? Part 2

[Kizzie]

This is part 2 of a thread I think is an important one to carry on with. 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks for carrying this thread over! It has inspired me to read more fully through the original. I am just finally coming to realize my own EFs and they are still really confusing to me. It does help so much to know what they are.

Physically
-Always on edge
-Always exhausted (no matter how much sleep I do or don't manage)
- Tense, like my muscles just never relax
- Never hungry, like my body doesn't remember that need

Emotionally
-My mind races a million miles an hour, spinning around whatever trigger the EF
- I don't feel safe at all, every where feels dangerous
- A need to run away, and hide.

[Dee]

I feel like I need to hide, runaway, not look at people.
I want to disappear.
Deep shame.
On the edge of tears.
Feeling like I want to die.
I let something upsetting spiral out of control.
Obsessing about what started it.
I feel like I am not in control.

[woodsgnome]

My feelings per EF's:

...guilty that I'm still so fragile and vulnerable.
...scared that my strongest efforts to grow have all failed me; and that I've thus failed myself.
...wondering why, when there is no why I'll ever find.
...wary of moving on or having the energy to try.
...sure I'll never make it out of this trap.
...angry that these can happen almost anytime, from/with anyone, that it's so 'normal'.
...needy and greedy to know I'm okay, a good/loving person, and that I am better at discernment, but most importantly...

...seeing hopeful signs that my original abusers and those that followed (sensing my vulnerabilities) can no longer hurt me, and that I'll be able to discard this list someday.

[clarity]

Very much aware of bodily reactions...

Feeling nausea in waves
Feeling tearful emotion rise up but not reaching my eyes usually
Palpitations
Intense dread
Urge to sleep to escape.
Doing anything feels like climbing a mountain.
Afraid of even small tasks that involve leaving the house.
Avoiding phone calls.
Overthinking and repetitive thoughts.
Pessimistic thoughts.
Sense of extreme pointlessness of my existence.
Nervous energy/adrenaline rushes plus exhaustion.

[Blueberry]

- Feeling exhausted, or a sudden drop in energy
- Brain fog / my brain is blank
- Unexplained low-level pain in my arms, hands
- more but can't write atm

[songbirdrosa]

Some or all of these are pretty standard:

- Shaking
- Panicked
- Can't form coherent thoughts or words
- Irritable
- Sullen
- Antisocial
- Fatigued
- Headachey and nauseous
- Overwhelming desire to 'run'
- Need to spend money
- Easily upset and very teary
- Scared of everything/anxious

And in very extreme cases:

- Suicidal
- Self-harming/substance abusing
- Prone to fits of rage

[Gromit]

Like I am being shouted at by a very angry person but I have disappeared so far inside myself I can't hear the words, I am just waiting for the storm to pass, or for me to die so it will end. Aching from the tension. Hot, flushed, shame, dread of what might happen next. Incapable of speaking or thinking. Or, more recently I cried, was completely unable to stop.

Or, if I have to ask for something, meek and shy, hardly able to meet the other person's eyes. Hot and embarrassed.

[texannurse]

*****Trigger Warning****

As I just had one earlier today .... It took over before I realized what was happening. The memory flashed before my eyes and brought me right back to the event. I felt like my heart was racing, my stomach was in knots, My breath was very shallow and rapid. I could feel the terror I felt then, feel him there. It was horrible. I had not realized before that this was an EF - i just thought I was overreacting. Now I know better.
**** End Trigger Warning****

I'm just grateful to have a place to share with people who understand.
Texannurse

[woodsgnome]

I'm in the midst of a series of post-surgery physical therapy sessions. This hasn't started well, mainly due to EF's brought on by the room, people manipulating sensitive areas, just a general atmosphere rife with suggestive imagery and physical/mental sensations which result in so many of the symptoms described in previous posts. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to continue. 

I did finally seem to make it clear to one of the PT's what and why this was affecting me so badly. I'm thinking, and hoping, she'll have some adjustments (such as working in an area apart from the main general purpose treatment area filled with people--rationally I know they're no danger, but the emotional flutters are easily triggered in that environment).

The emotional pain on top of the physical recovery process has me discouraged but I hope I can stay with it, and feel able to get past these ghost-like terrors.

[Quiet]

• Angry self-hatred.
• Emotional discomfort.
• Withdrawing to be alone.
• I go from uncomfortable with kind words to further triggered by kind words.
• I no longer tolerate being touched.
• Depression.  Usually for about two days.
• Loss of appetite.
• Loss of concentration.
• Loss of motivation
• Crying.

[CepheidVox]

I have two kinds.

Panic type:

• Panic, fear of death, sense of impending doom
• Stiff, frozen, movement feels disjointed
• Desire to run and hide
• Pain in jaw, face, neck, and chest
• Extreme shaking, grinding teeth
• Holding breath
• Sense of being small, young; sometimes amnesia of adult life
• Confusion, dizziness, nausea, headache

Anger type:

• Extreme self-hate, denial of goodness in self
• Extreme shame, self-disgust
• Tense, clenching jaw and fists, restless
• Self-harm/suicide desire
• Hot, nauseous
• Feeling like I'll lose control or explode
• Hearing a voice in my mind telling me horrible things about myself

[AphoticAtramentous]

Like CepheidVox, two kinds of EFs...

There are short but frequent episodes, like depressive spills.
- Bored/Unmotivated
- Down/Empty
- Feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness
- Apathetic
- Isolated
- Unwanted
- Guilt

And another type, caused by one or more of the major triggers...
- Dissociation/Alter Swap
- Fear/Difficulty breathing
- Frozen/Stuck
- Schizophrenic like thoughts
- Panic

[ah]

Me too, two types... one feels more like panic. It's overwhelming, soul-crunching, absolute self hatred. It's like a huge wave that scorches me and keeps going till I'm too low to take it anymore, only then will it stop.
It's impossible to put into words, they aren't strong enough to touch the surface of how bad these are. Maybe partly because my abuse is ongoing.

The second is anger, but not normal anger. More like fury, very strong. I feel abducted by it and forced to act on it despite every effort I make to calm down nothing works.

I think both are the same though, they both have physical signs of anxiety.
Emotionally maybe they both originate from helplessness, together with... this may sound "funny" because I've always felt this way even as a toddler, but they always appear when I feel a strong sense of moral injustice. When I think "This isn't right" either because of behavior toward me or directed at someone else. Combined together they lead to wild freaking-outness.

[Resca]

Cat, thank you so much for compiling this list and keeping the conversation going. I didn't fully understand what EF was before this board but being able to compare others' symptoms with my experience has been so enlightening. You are wonderful

I also wanted to add a cognitive symptom which I think is probably just dissocation but I'm still not 100% clear on that so...
- feeling outside of reality, like I've made it all up, or like I can't possibly be remembering things right
- feeling crazy