First real realisation of sexual abuse as a child **TRIGGER WARNING**

micheerx · August 04, 2017, 05:43:28 PM

Hi everyone,

Basically I'm needing a lot of help trying to figure things out in my head...

So recently there has been an incident at work that doesn't involve me - a girl has said that she can't work there anymore because her cousin that raped her when she was 13 has started working there as well, lots of people have took the cousins side, I haven't got myself involved because if - it has happened which I suspect it has because I wouldn't imagine the girl has made that up - then I can't imagine how she is feeling never mind everyone calling her a liar... BUT ANYWAY!! This has triggered off some - I'm guessing - suppressed memories of my uncle touching me in a sexual manner when I was 10 years old.

I feel like this is my fault though and I don't know why, the memory has been playing in my mind repeatedly for days now and I can't get my head around it, my uncle is only 3 years older than me so he would have been around 13, he has ADHD which makes me feel guilty about saying this about him, because I keep thinking to myself "what if he didn't know exactly what he was doing" but he touched me in my private area, he rubbed it and performed oral sex on me... and then he asked me to do it back to him, telling me not to tell my mum... as he was out on contact with her from the care home he was in... it happened every time he came out to visit on contact... somehow I feel like it doesn't count as abuse because I performed sexual acts back to him, he made me touch him with my hands and I was asked to perform oral sex on him... like I was 10 so would I have known what I was doing?

I told my fiance the other day and told him it only happened once but it happened about 3/4 times, I completely broke down in work yesterday and had to leave because I kept getting flashback and I feel disgusting and confused and I really do not know what to do about it at all...

this is also the first time I have every opened up about it at all and went into proper detail I didn't even give my fiance all the details because I'm ashamed and I think he'll think I'm disgusting, because he asked if it was an in-law and I told him that it's my mums brother and he was so shocked because it's incest...

If anyone could give me any sort of advice that would be really appreciated,
thanks...

Dee · August 04, 2017, 06:10:57 PM

First, I agree and it makes me angry that people would take the cousin's side. Unfortunately, that is the way it happens far too often.

So try to put someone else in your shoes. Do you know a 10 year old and imagine if she was telling you the story. Would you feel she was wrong or that she even understood what was happening? Could she have given any type of consent for receiving or doing what she was told? I also really, really understand that is possible to know this logically, but connecting your head to your heart is another thing entirely. It was NOT your fault, in any way. Again, NOT your fault.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who can help you work through this. Time doesn't heal trauma, therapy does. A therapist can also work with you and your finance. I suspect that knowing it was incest only increased the gravity of what you went through, not made you disgusting.

Elphanigh · August 04, 2017, 06:17:09 PM

Hi Micheerx,

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I am going to try to find the right words here, so bear with me a bit. First though here are some safe hugs if you want them

Your work place does sound very toxic for that poor girl right now. It is so understandable that it has brought up memories for you.

It is not your fault. I promise you that, it is not your fault. The age difference and the ADHD do not negate the fact it was abuse, you were 10 and had no idea what you were doing. At that age it is impossible to consent. And the development that happens between 10 and 13 can be vast so he could have known. That is just my opinion. I too had an abuser that was not much older than me, he was about 4 years older, which meant to start with he was 10 but at the end he was 16. Even when he was younger no one could fault me for what was happening.. because I didn't know. (that being said I did just post on self-blame and struggle with it a great deal)

Performing sexual acts on him doesn't change it either. Again, I struggle with that too. But at that age we get coerced into things by people we are supposed to be able to trust, and who are supposed to be good for us. You didn't know what you were truly doing, therefore you could not consent. It is a confusing line, believe me I know more than I would like to admit to, and probably more than I am ready to admit to.

I am so proud of you for opening up about this to your Fiance and to us. That is such a huge step, and a truly difficult one. Thank you for sharing with all of us. I am glad he was good about it, and trust that if you do ever tell him that he will be understanding. You would be surprised what good people will be understanding of.

I don't know that I have advice as much as a lot of "me too" statements. Know that you aren't alone, and that no bit of this was your fault. I struggle with self-blame so when you do don't beat yourself up about it, it is natural and we can learn to work past it, I promise.

I hope that made sense and helped at least in a small way

micheerx · August 04, 2017, 06:17:24 PM

Quote from: Dee on August 04, 2017, 06:10:57 PM

First, I agree and it makes me angry that people would take the cousin's side. Unfortunately, that is the way it happens far too often.

So try to put someone else in your shoes. Do you know a 10 year old and imagine if she was telling you the story. Would you feel she was wrong or that she even understood what was happening? Could she have given any type of consent for receiving or doing what she was told? I also really, really understand that is possible to know this logically, but connecting your head to your heart is another thing entirely. It was NOT your fault, in any way. Again, NOT your fault.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who can help you work through this. Time doesn't heal trauma, therapy does. A therapist can also work with you and your finance. I suspect that knowing it was incest only increased the gravity of what you went through, not made you disgusting.

Thank you Dee, it's strange because I have a 10 year old step sister and if something like that happened to her I would not blame her at all... but I feel like because my uncle was also so young he isn't to blame either, I'm very confused at the moment to be honest.

I've talked to a therapist that deals specifically with complex trauma, just waiting on an email with an appointment but it won't be until September unfortunately.

Again thank you x

micheerx · August 04, 2017, 06:23:15 PM

Quote from: Elphanigh on August 04, 2017, 06:17:09 PM
Hi Micheerx,

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I am going to try to find the right words here, so bear with me a bit. First though here are some safe hugs if you want them

Your work place does sound very toxic for that poor girl right now. It is so understandable that it has brought up memories for you.

It is not your fault. I promise you that, it is not your fault. The age difference and the ADHD do not negate the fact it was abuse, you were 10 and had no idea what you were doing. At that age it is impossible to consent. And the development that happens between 10 and 13 can be vast so he could have known. That is just my opinion. I too had an abuser that was not much older than me, he was about 4 years older, which meant to start with he was 10 but at the end he was 16. Even when he was younger no one could fault me for what was happening.. because I didn't know. (that being said I did just post on self-blame and struggle with it a great deal)

Performing sexual acts on him doesn't change it either. Again, I struggle with that too. But at that age we get coerced into things by people we are supposed to be able to trust, and who are supposed to be good for us. You didn't know what you were truly doing, therefore you could not consent. It is a confusing line, believe me I know more than I would like to admit to, and probably more than I am ready to admit to.

I am so proud of you for opening up about this to your Fiance and to us. That is such a huge step, and a truly difficult one. Thank you for sharing with all of us. I am glad he was good about it, and trust that if you do ever tell him that he will be understanding. You would be surprised what good people will be understanding of.

I don't know that I have advice as much as a lot of "me too" statements. Know that you aren't alone, and that no bit of this was your fault. I struggle with self-blame so when you do don't beat yourself up about it, it is natural and we can learn to work past it, I promise.

I hope that made sense and helped at least in a small way

Thank you Elphanigh for your reply, I'm sorry you have had to go through something similar

your words have been reassuring to me, hopefully I can work through the self blame as it's really messing with my head. I'm really not good at this replying stuff, I never know what to say, but thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply to me.

Michee x

Elphanigh · August 04, 2017, 06:46:27 PM

You are doing perfectly well at replying. I often just thank people too. I hope you can get some work through your self-blame too. It is hard stuff. I think you started well by opening up, because at least here you will not hear anyone blame you. Sometimes the affirmation from outside of ourselves can start that healing

texannurse · August 04, 2017, 07:28:50 PM

Micheerx,
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree with everyone else - it is NOT your fault - no matter what his age or ADHD - you were made to do and endure things no 10 year old child should have to do or endure. I understand the confusion though. My abuse started young as well and I think "if only I had said no" when he asked if it felt good and i wanted to continue.
I didn't mean to hijack the thread - I just wanted you to know you are not alone and it is NOT your fault.
I'm so proud of you - that you had the courage to tell someone

It's not easy. But we are here if you need us!
Texannurse

Kat · August 04, 2017, 08:03:59 PM

My son will turn 13 very soon, and my daughter is 10. What they know and understand of the world is HUGELY different at this point. My daughter still wants to play pretend games and with her Littlest Pet Shop toys while my son mostly stays in him room playing computer games and Skyping his friends. She's actually been mourning the loss of him as a playmate. I've already had "The Talk" with my son, but my daughter is still clueless about sex.

I feel that one of the most damaging effects of abuse is that we blame ourselves for what was done to us. It serves as a necessary defense when we're young because it makes us feel as if we have a degree of control. But it latches on so tightly that it's extremely difficult to see the abuse for what it was. Sexual abuse poses an extra layer of this self-blame and shame because our bodies react as they're made to. The shame of having experienced some pleasure during what IS abuse is so confusing. It was your body responding the way it was intended to--it doesn't necessarily differentiate.

I know a gal who was sexually abused by her father from the time she was very young until her teenage years. She feels so much shame for having initiated sex with her father at times, but to me it makes so much sense. Our parents, no matter how awfully they treat us, are like gods to us. Why would she suspect what he was doing was wrong when she was so little, helpless, and powerless?

Please be good to yourself. You've endured a huge shock, so treat yourself kindly.

Dee · August 04, 2017, 08:16:23 PM

I feel that your trauma is your trauma regardless of the other person in the story. It doesn't change what happened to you. Age, disabilities, being traumatized doesn't take it away or minimize your experience.

When I deal with overwhelming memories or flashbacks I have learned to use my 5 senses. My therapist says I have 5 fingers on each hand to remind me. I smell essential oils, I look at paintings to help ground. Seeing anything with color helps me. I listen to music or sometimes just sit on my deck and listen to the birds. I usually drink something for taste. I touch my dogs, a fuzzy blanket, a stuffed animal. It really is soothing.

Sometimes it is perfect for me to drink a cup of coffee on the deck while listening to and watching the birds and trees. I try to smell the air (I usually have lavender essential oils on by then). I have a dog in my lap most of the time. I have to make a serious effort to distract myself.

Wife#2 · August 04, 2017, 08:51:06 PM

Micheerx, welcome to this forum. Posting can be so scary, you have no idea, really, what to expect.

I want you to know that this is one place where you can open your heart and we will do all we can to protect, respect and honor that.

Though this won't make the guilt suddenly go away - what you survived was abuse and it was not your fault. Whether it happened once or a dozen times, it is still not your fault. Even if you didn't scream no, it's not your fault. Even if you didn't tell on him, it's not your fault. And, the hardest one for many of us to accept: Even if it felt kinda good, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. And it's still abuse. Period.

We welcome you here. I hope there is a small bit of hope or peace you can gather from knowing you are not alone.

Nova · August 24, 2017, 04:15:32 AM

Quote from: micheerx on August 04, 2017, 05:43:28 PM
... somehow I feel like it doesn't count as abuse because I performed sexual acts back to him...like I was 10 so would I have known what I was doing?

I am so sorry to hear about the situation and that you suddenly remember this. It's a heavy one to work through so I hope you're being patient and compassionate with yourself. It's this exact situation with CSA that I've been working through in therapy for years. It's the root of the "toxic shame" that defines my C-PTSD. My therapist has been instrumental in helping me think clearly about it -- would you objectively blame a 10 year old child for this? No. (Well, I wouldn't.) Children are not adults, they are curious, resilient, trusting of adults without question, and they don't deserve judgment. The adult who would make a child do something like that is the only guilty party here.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in working through this.

sinthia820 · August 29, 2017, 12:49:16 PM

Quote from: Dee on August 04, 2017, 08:16:23 PM
I feel that your trauma is your trauma regardless of the other person in the story. It doesn't change what happened to you. Age, disabilities, being traumatized doesn't take it away or minimize your experience

I have a similar story, with cousins not uncles. It started when I was really young, like 5. I too feel disgusted about my complicit ness, I also struggle with blaming my cousins. They weren't much older none over the age of 16 and it was all coercion instead of something violent or forced. I like to think that at 13-14 their 'love map' was so screwed up from puberty, child abuse, neglect and being molested by older men that they didn't understand the wrongness in their actions (coercing a weak vulnerable little girl who was definitely easy pray) to the extent they do now as adults.

No matter how it happens or by whom or any other factors, your trauma is still your trauma! And maybe your uncles behavior was his trauma, or maybe he made a terrible decision at a time in his life where his hormones were going crazy and he now feels shame and disgust for his actions, or maybe he knew what he was doing was wrong and knew he could coerce you and didn't care that it was sexual assault. No matter what you were not to blame, and wether he is to blame or not should have no bearing on how you feel about the situation and how you need to heal from it. If it will help you maybe talk to your therapist and see if asking him some questions might be helpful or hurtful.

But either way please know it's not your fault. Like that girl you knew who was abused until she was 18. And wives who are sexually abused by their husbands. You wouldn't blame them, so don't blame your 10 year old self!

Blueberry · August 29, 2017, 04:27:31 PM

Thank you for pointing this out, sinthia. I've had invalidation from therapists about some of the physical abuse done to me by my brother, who is only 2 years older than me. I know in some lists of criteria for physical abuse the abuser must be at least 5 years older, so it was discounted. But I'm still traumatised by it!!

In fact I've been sort of discounting it myself for years too. He apologised twice as an adult, so I somehow couldn't allow myself to be angry. But that's coming now through trauma therapy.

Andyman73 · September 21, 2017, 01:29:48 PM

micheerx,

What if you look at it from 10 yr old you point of view...would you have gone to him to make first contact? Of course not ...probably not even on your horizon much less in your mind. You are free and clear of all blame here. As for him and ADHD...at age 13 he knew far too much to be blameless. He knew it was wrong, or he would not have cautioned you to not tell your mom. That right there is proof positive he knew what he was doing was wrong. Why else worry what may happen if you had told your mom?

Be gentle with yourself. By the time I was 10...