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[LittleBird]

sorry = deleted

[Blueberry]

I don't always feel anger either. Anger will come when you're ready. It might go away again and be replaced by fear, and then come back.

Emotions don't behave logically. If you blame yourself for everything, as you say, then possibly feeling anger would be destructive even? You might turn it against yourself in the form of addictive behaviour or such.

You belong here! You're not a fraud. 

[Three Roses]

Feeling like a fraud is really common among us. After all, how many times have we been told:

• You're making a big deal out of nothing.
• That's crazy!
• You shouldn't feel that way.

Feeling like we shouldn't talk about this, or feeling like we're making things up are also common. It's part of our brainwashing.

I'm glad you're here.

[sanmagic7]

nope, you're no fraud.  what was done to us was fraudulent, full of betrayal, deceitful and manipulative.  we did what we had to at the time to survive.

as we grow older, get out of the situation, all those protective devices we used, including believing that we were at fault or not having the 'appropriate' feelings toward the situation or the perpetrator, are still there until we can recover enough for the strength it takes to become more real to ourselves, to put what happened to us into the correct perspective, and to feel the emotions that actually go along with the truth of what happened.

getting to that point of recovery takes time, but i don't believe it's ever fraudulent.   i think just the fact that you are questioning all this shows progress toward true self-discovery.  keep up the good work, 3:45 and here's a big, supportive hug for you.

[Dee]

Oh I get this, wow do I get it.  I cannot connect my head to my heart.  I know I was a child, but I feel different from other kids.  It was my fault, he was good and I ruined him.  If I had said something it would have been different.  I let it go on....  I'm angry, but I make it about me.  I internalize it and put myself through *.  I go so far as to punish myself.

I try to be honest about how I feel.  Last week my therapist sat there and told me I am not bad, it wasn't my fault.  I try to listen, to take it with me.  I hear her say it when I reflect.  I keep trying and trying and will continue to try to believe, it wasn't me.

[fullofsoundandfury]

Hi 

Even though I'm seeking help for the trauma he caused (CSA and adult emotional abuse etc.), the mention of his presence means I can't breathe.

This is a flashback. A textbook, totally normal, totally healthy, predictable response that 99% of the human population would experience if they were you. If someone were to experience what you have, and not have these kinds of flashbacks, they would have to be psychopathic or something.
You can read all about what happens to you in books by experts, by far the best I've found is Pete Walker.
In those moments, you flashback to the times you were suffering the abuse. The not being able to breathe part is a dead giveaway. With CPTSD, many of the flashbacks are emotional, and we feel them in our bodies, minds and emotions, but don't necessarily get vivid images or tangible memories. It's all somatic.  Sometimes we can feel small, shaky, extremely scared, vulnerable, weak, powerless - all of those feelings are our inner child. She needs your reassurance and unconditional positive regard. You'll develop that in therapy. It's not your fault if you don't know how yet.
When we have an emotional flashback our inner critic abuses us for having it. We go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn, or a combo. Our inner critic continues to berate us, which reminds us again of being a child. On and on it goes. You drifting away from the question and not remembering your answer was a little bit of dissociation. Normal. All of it, normal. The pattern can definitely change, but only with the right information, healing and therapy. It will never magically change by itself, because it is hardwired. So you cannot be blamed for not being 'better'.

Many people think anger is a cover for fear. The idea is that people broil around in anger because it's easier to feel and express anger, than abject horror. You feeling fear may indicate that you are in touch with the truth of yourself, rather than covering it up with anger.

I don't think it's a coincidence that your mind bought these topics up in the same post: lack of anger, feeling like a fraud, stubborn convictions that it was your fault somehow. I think the three are intimately connected.

How do I describe this.... the appalling truth of my childhood and what people did to me, is too confronting to admit to myself fully. I am not ready for it. I am not ready for the white hot anger, can't stand the force of that truthful emotion. I am not ready for the grief. I am not ready to truly, truly admit the reality to myself. It feels too stark. Facing up to it would shift everything.

When I was a child, it was out of the question to admit that I was powerless, and it was out of the question to admit that the people who were supposed to love me, didn't. I relied on those people for food, clothing, shelter, existence, as well as essential emotional nourishment and approval. I was biologically primed to connect powerfully to my parents - mother nature's way of ensuring we survive as a species. As they were all continuously abusing me, I could not face the truth about what that meant, because realizing as a tiny child that you are completely unloved, abused and uncared for, is way too scary. I think that revelation would have shattered me altogether. I couldn't accept that humans were like this, either - it's too horrifying for grown adults to hear these stories and be faced with that element of human nature, let alone a dependant, tiny child who had no means to get away from these monsters.

So as a defense mechanism, to award myself an illusion of some power and autonomy and to build a false sense that I could do something to change my circumstances, I took the blame. I believed that if I were better, they would change. I shifted the disgust, loathing and blame that belonged on my abusers, to my self. I was a little girl. Objectively, as an adult, that was a crazy notion (to blame myself and strive to become perfect so I could change my parents and other abusers). But it's what we do. It's what we all do. We take the blame. It becomes toxic shame. We elevate the abusers sometimes, give them clemency, absolve them of responsibility, make excuses - often, they train us to do that as well. We are badly punished for criticising them or expressing pain or resistance about our abuse or life circumstances.

Then I traipsed through life knowing some of what had happened, amnesiac of most, but totally minimising it. I pretended it wasn't so bad and that I was wrong to feel pain about it. I berated myself for being self destructive, for having no self esteem, for not being normal. I felt like a fraud - like I didn't deserve to have my pain.

My amnesia broke in my mid twenties and I was so utterly horrified at what had happened to me. The realization was worse than the memories themselves. That early onset denial was very painful, when it broke.

I hope this is making sense.

I propose that to protect yourself and keep the spark of your soul alive, to prevent yourself from fully collapsing under despair and hopelessness, you took the blame, tried to find ways to make your abuser a good person, and you minimise by wondering if you are a fraud. You might do this because truly acknowledging what happened to you is far too confronting. You're right: anger will be the healthy, natural response for us when we are ready. Apparently we also have to grieve our childhoods as well. None of it sounds appealing - I am very attached to the idea of being in control of myself, and I am also conditioned by the larger world that I have to be constantly happy. I also have adult tasks and responsibilities - I can't flop around crying and being furious about things that happened 20 yrs ago. It feels like going into those depths will change me forever and be time consuming and painful. But those are the self loving tasks ahead and I will find a way, because I do care about myself now. I deserve to heal. But at my own pace and with fair expectations. All this self bullying is counter productive. Also, I am primed for high drama and theatrics because that's what my life was like, but I actually notice a gentle denial melt, rather than big explosive shocking internal events that used to happen to me.

I think inner children of yours might have a hard time right now twisting their perspective of your abuser to an accurate one. I think it is them, and your inner critic, who are feeding you the thoughts and doubts that appeared in your original post. I wish I was more articulate and better and explaining what I'm trying to say. I just think that self blame is safer for a while. People talk about denial and avoidance in this derisive way sometimes, like they're bad things that should be broken. But in reality, denial and avoidance has saved countless lives. We will shift our perspectives when we're ready.