"I Feel Torn" - Letter to my Mother.

[Hope66]

"I Feel Torn – Letter to my Mother" (potential triggers).
(I won't be sending this letter - it is purely to get my feelings out).

I've just been reading our E-mails – prior to my NC with you.  I was VLC at that time, purely communicating with you via E-mails for a couple of years – I can see that I attempted to communicate with you regarding some of my feelings, and I dared to broach the subject of my sister (whom I last saw when I was just 8 years old, and whom I've only recently located as an adult in my early 50's).

At the time I was writing to you, I hadn't found my sister, and I was trying to ask you about her – and I mentioned I had always wondered why she lived with us for such a relatively short period of time.  Your answer was callous and devoid of understanding my feelings – that is how it felt.  It was like you thought it was none of my business – and you blatantly disagreed that I'd not been able to talk about her – you suggested that I could have talked about anything I wanted at any time, but you know – that didn't feel like an option to me.  I remember your body language, your tone of voice, your ability to stop me from expressing myself, and you had me 'trained' into submission over many years, and I always felt devoted to pleasing you and to ensuring that I didn't rock the boat, or talk about any of the subjects which you had rendered 'Taboo'.  My sister was 'Taboo' to the extent that I managed to talk once to my F about her, when I was in my mid 30's, just the one time, and he did actually admit she existed, but he said he would deny talking to me about her, if I told you that he had spoken out.  He was clearly 'frightened' of you, and too scared to 'step out of line'.  Such was your power over us all in the family. 

Re-reading your E-mails in the light of day today – which is a few years or so after they were sent, and I've been NC with you for the past couple of years – I have mixed feelings – I feel torn between a sadness that things have turned out as they have, i.e. that we are estranged, but I have also an utter incredulity that you didn't meet me half-way when I reached out to you – my words in my E-mails appeared to me to be extremely polite, and deferent to you, considerate of your feelings, and accepting that we would have differing perceptions of events etc – I also told you I loved you and missed you.  What I wanted you to do in reply – was to say you loved me too, that you also missed me and wanted to re-connect and build a relationship again.  You didn't do that.  You told me that 'The days of you doing what you like are over' – and you went on to say that you were deeply hurt by my behaviour, and that you expected me to apologise, but you knew that I wouldn't.

So I can see that you were blaming me.  You told me you never did anything wrong. 

Well I know better, especially since I've re-connected with my sister and know things from her perspective now – I know that you did do quite a few things that weren't right –( omitted details of what I wrote as too specific, but content relates to physical and emotional abuse issues) – not allowing her to have a relationship with me – her little sister – never allowing us to talk to one another – unless we were alone in the car whilst you went into a shop.  You denied us a relationship.  You never told me why. 

I feel angry towards you – you never spoke to me about what happened.  On the occasion when I mentioned to the school about my sister, you then reacted very angrily – asking me what I'd said, why I'd mentioned about my sister – and I soon shut up and kept back with the script – 'Nothing to see here'.  But there was plenty to see.  I was only a small child, I didn't understand what was going on, but I witnessed lots of tension, lots of angst and I know I took it all in, as I remember how tightly I would clench my jaw, and how painful that tension became.  My memories are fragmented, but I can remember fragments here and there – and I often experience emotional flash-backs.

I don't think you 'see anything wrong' because you chose to close your heart and mind to it.  Probably to preserve your own sense of self-esteem and your own self-identity.  Maybe you want to be seen as the 'good mother' who coped with bringing up a child – and I think  you were proud of me at times– your Golden Child – the one you chose to put your attention into and you enjoyed the fact I succeeded in academic ways – and all was fine in your life as long as I was conforming and doing what you wanted me to do.   But my sister – she struggled, because she was too anxious from how she'd been treated by you – although I admire the fact she fought to escape, and she was able to finally go back to live with her Grand-parents.  I of course was denied a relationship with my Grand-parents, and so estrangement repeats itself across the Generations.  It is very sad.   

My sister told me that our Grandmother used to struggle up the garden path with our Grandfather to try to visit us – and how you'd refuse to answer the door to them, and told us all to sit like statues on the sofa – and wait till they'd gone. That scenario was repeated by myself when you and my F tried to visit us in our home, and I was too scared to answer the door to you, and I hid – and my partner  answered the door to you, and told you I didn't want to see you.  At least he did reply to you – and spoke to you – unlike your own behaviour with your own parents.  I wish I'd been brave enough to speak to you – but the frightened inner child won out that day – and I felt literally petrified.  I had told you I didn't want contact anymore, and you were being beligerant in trying to push me into contact, so essentially you weren't respecting my boundaries.

I feel torn, because there's part of me that wishes I could have remained stronger and been able to continue to be the daughter you wanted/needed me to be – but I couldn't keep my sanity if I continued to play that role.  I needed to break free from you – it's a toxic relationship, and I needed to breathe and be free of you.

I don't think you understand at all – because all you see is the fact I had your attention through much of my life – but you know, it was too much, I needed to grow as a child and blossom as an adult, and you didn't give me space to do that.  I couldn't develop my own personality traits or identity, as I was always looking to be what or who you wanted me to be.   I can see that there are many parts of me that ended up with stunted growth – particularly at emotional levels – and at other levels  you  parentified me, so that I  felt that I was looking after your needs – although I feel sure that you don't acknowledge that, or see it that way.   But I think I made your life happier for some of the time I was in it – even though I feel sure now that you've blamed me for any unhappiness in your life now, and you will most likely perceive it to be unhappy because of an ungrateful child.

I am torn in my emotions, because essentially I mourn the caring and loving mother that I had hoped I would have, but I don't feel those sentiments from you.  I've been silent for much of my life about this, but I am finally beginning to  'speak my own truths' and express myself by letting some of the feelings out.

To people in the Forum:
That's the end of my letter - it took me a few days to be brave enough to post this letter here, but I really want to post it and gain some validation - because I've been scared for years to speak out about my feelings and thoughts.

If you have read this far, then thank you. 

Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

We were good daughters! We sought peace and connection, and asked only for a little change, even if it would have been just a little, slowly, over time. We asked for a glimmer of hope, maybe just a change in some body language, or some callous remark left unsaid for once.

Instead we continued to receive blame and have our feelings dismissed as if we were toys. We were expected to toe the line like good little soldiers and not rock the fragile and stifling boat.

You were and still are a good daughter. You are brave to have found your sister! You are talking, you are making the changes your parents couldn't. Bravo, well done you!

[Blueberry]

Dear Hope 

That is such a coherent, well-written letter (the word 'beautiful' comes to mind really, though that's strange to use considering the topic), so long, detailing so much that happened to you. You explain so well how you feel torn. You tried to heal the breach with your M. She couldn't join you in that. It's her loss. It's your loss too, at least your loss of a M who can't give you what you need and deserve.

I feel for you in things you write, because I know them too. Like the incredulity. I can't write any more. Except to say you are very brave. I hope writing this out has helped you.

[Hope66]

Thank you 3Roses and Blueberry for your kind validation of my letter to my M.  I really do value your replies, and they mean a lot.   Thank you both.