Sexual abuse (triggering)

[Eyessoblue]

I had a session with my psychologist about the sexual abuse I had from my dad as a child, one of the things I can't get my head around is the fact that my mum was in the house when it happened and never came up to see if I was ok, I felt she kept out of the way.
She said 'TRIGGERING''', She was probably fully aware of what was happening and was jealous of the attention he was paying me and not her, that's why our relationship was always so bad.
Does this generally happen? This totally shocked me and I have to say I really don't think it's the case and as far as I was aware she didn't even know it was going on, my psychologist said she'd be very surprised if she didn't know! This has opened a whole lot of issues for me now with questioning my mum and where she was why didn't she help me etc, was she jealous etc. I'm finding this really difficult to get my head round now.

[Three Roses]

Sadly, it seems this is pretty common from what I hear. I've heard more than one person tell stories of abuse where it was impossible for the mom (or grandmother or whoever) to NOT know.

It's shocking when we have these revelations. The feelings of betrayal, exposure, and knowing you were not properly protected are mind boggling. How are you handling this? I imagine you may be very angry. Please know that I care.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you three roses, yeah just feel pretty confused at the moment and it's brought up a whole lot of things I hadn't thought about or wasn't aware of! Hope you're doing ok?

[Dee]

I think it is common for the mom to know on some level.  Maybe some are in denial or even in a dissociative state.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  I am more angry at my mom than my dad.  She chose financial security over her daughter.

I wrote in my journal what my mom should have been.  I then went over that while I was inpatient.  It really helped me grieve the mother I never had.  Lots of tears, but I needed those tears.

[Eyessoblue]

Hey Dee, yep I get what you are saying, I too am more angry at my mum now even tho  my dad was the abuser, you have just reminded me about journaling, I haven't done it for a while but found it so helpful when I did, I shall start that up again.

[Blueberry]

Eyessoblue, from what I've heard in plenty of inpatient treatment, it's pretty common. In my case, everything's back to front. My M was the main abuser, including sexual, and my F was the enabler. I don't actually know if he knew about the sexual abuse (mothers often do that in a hard-to-see kind of way), but F certainly knew about the physical abuse from M and B1 to me and everybody's emotional abuse towards me and he didn't stop that. I've been going through the emotional pain of that realisation on and off for about a year. He sacrificed my well-being for a peaceful life. He didn't want any hassle or more arguments than he already had with M.

For a long time I thought maybe M hadn't known what she was doing back then, but some reactions and comments of hers a few years back showed me that she had actually known she'd overstepped a big boundary. That's probably often the same with an enabler. They stick their head in the sand and hope the problem will go away on its own. It doesn't though. Needless to say.  to you, Eyessoblue.

[Eyessoblue]

BlueBerry that is so true! I can now remember various comments and moves by her which indicates she knew a lot more then I realised! I hate this! Thanking you for your on going support tho.

[Kat]

I'm so sorry Eyessoblue that you're you're having to adjust to this new perspective.  I'm sure it's extremely disorienting. 

I'm a rather strange case.  My mother has borderline personality disorder which is why I first sought therapy for myself.  It was only through therapy that I've come to believe my father sexually abused me; however, I have no concrete memories of such abuse.

Because of my mother's condition, it can be extremely difficult to take anything she says at face value.  But, she also has moments of lucidity where her perceptions of things are dead on. 

At about the time I was finally putting things together and realizing my father had abused me, my mom sent a letter out to me and my sisters telling us that she believed our father had molested us.  I had been in therapy for 7 years or so, and had cut off contact with my mom years before at point that I got this letter.  I actually called her from my therapist's office to ask her about her suspicions.  What she said seemed quite believable and she even mentioned certain events I remembered the same way. 

My therapist remembered that I'd told her early on in our work together about my mother and her inability to handle noise.  My mother actually bought those ear protection earmuffs that shooters use to block out noise at the shooting range.  She often wore them at night when she went to bed.  My therapist suggested my mother knew all along about the molestation and that one of the ways she "dealt" with it was by simply shutting out all noise and anything else that might force her to acknowledge it. 

This topic also makes me think of Jerry Sandusky, the American football coach who was convicted as a serial child molester.  His victims told of the abuse happening at Sandusky's home while his wife was in the house, yet she defended him until the end.  It's hard to know how conscious the awareness is.  As we all know, our minds have ways of dealing with the unthinkable. 

[Eyessoblue]

Kat- oh wow that really moved me, strangely my dad was bpd and couldn't  tolerate noise unless it was his and that was fine! I used to get physically abused just for coughing and was at the point of feeling that my breathing must wind him up too if you get what I mean! It's strange what comes up and how one thought leads to another which creates the memory then we're left to put the pieces of the puzzle back anxiously one by one. I feel for you and hope that you're doing ok or as best of ok as you possibly can.

[Blueberry]

My M was the main abuser, including sexual, and my F was the enabler. I don't actually know if he knew about the sexual abuse (mothers often do that in a hard-to-see kind of way)

A few hours after I wrote that, I remembered that when I stopped M from doing what she did to me to my godson, who was a baby at the time, in parting my F did one instance of exact same thing to my godson.  I can't write more on this, just wanted to note it, as another example of how an enabler may know more, be even that way inclined him/herself. If I write more, which I intend, I'll put it on one of my own ongoing threads.