Having a voice (TW) and freezing

[Quiet]

Long, a little ranty.  Sorry.

For this to make sense, I have to preface with the fact that when I'm a freezer (very much the "lost child" description).  I remember trying to fawn, but it never worked.  I can almost pinpoint the day I gave up trying to fawn.

I'm still not comfortable being noticed.  I developed nervous habits (hair touching).  I think I was five years old, maybe younger, and it was before my dad remarried.  I remember quite distinctly coming home with my dad after going to a school fair.  I'm also overstimulated in a crowd, and I definitely shut down in the presence of too many people.  As soon as he shut the front door, he started screaming at me that I had embarrassed him by touching my hair so often where other people could see.  Not going to go into more details. 

Starting that day, I was so scared to set him off again, I forced myself not to have any nervous habits.  If I got in trouble, I would hold still, stare at the floor, and not say anything except "I'm sorry."  Sooner or later, the screaming would end, and my dad would storm off into the house, leaving me standing there alone.  I would usually stand there for what felt like half an hour, waiting for him to come back and tell me what I was supposed to be doing.  If he didn't come back, I would go to my room to play or read.  It never once occurred to me that I could speak up for myself.  Even as a kid, without the words for it, I knew nothing I said would make him less angry.

So...I've been having a lot of struggles lately, most of which are old stuff resurfacing. 

But one of the new things I'm struggling with is my writing.  Ever since it occurred to me that I could make stories, I have.  And I think I'm a fairly good writer, with 25 years of practice under my belt.  But lately I'm struggling to write.  I approach it with trepidation, and I only manage a sentence or two before I cross it out and give up.

I have always written for myself.  I love the process, and I love world-building.  Before I took my last job (traumatizing) and my wife got sick, I sent off a piece of flash fiction, and it was accepted.  I was super excited (unusual levels of happiness), they paid me, and I got a free t-shirt.  I sent off a few other pieces, but no one wanted them.  Which I was okay with.  And now I'm not.  I think this latest issue was triggered by a well-meaning suggestion I should send in something to try to get published again.  Why?

I started connecting various events in my life, and the common thread is that of not speaking up for myself.  When another kid stole my sculpture in art class.  When I got in trouble for doing something I hadn't.  I've never felt it was worth it to speak up.  But five years ago, I was okay with people reading my words.  I feel like the awful coworker at my last job, who definitely triggered EF's daily, managed to take me back to a time when I would have done anything to fade away into the woodwork, and I can't seem to find my voice again.

Finally, the question, for those of you who freeze.  Are you nervous just being noticed?  Are you nervous your work, creative or functional, will be noticed?  What about at work?  Do you make your productivity average to avoid being noticed?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Aww, Quiet, your experiences with your dad sound familiar. I can really relate there, terrifying those times were...
I've never been able to speak up for myself either. I once watched a complete stranger sitting next to me take some of the cashews I was eating, just helped himself. I was furious but I didn't do anything about it. I just kinda sat there. >.>

But I hope you will be able to get back to writing with ease soon, these creative processes can be so helpful. ^^

Don't think I can really answer those questions of yours at the moment though, sorry. I need to think, haha.

[Three Roses]

i find myself just wanting to freeze up at the attempt to look at my freeze behavior! which i find funny

i'm retired now, but when i was working i had a purpose, and i don't remember freezing at work. it was like i was using an alter to get around or something, a front. "Poser" haha.

nowadays my freeze response is more manageable, now that i know what it is and why it's there. yes, just being noticed has triggered it. but mostly for me, it's worry that something i've done is substandard or unacceptable or somehow irritating to those around me, which i then interpret as a threat, i think, and i begin to shut down and withdraw. it's at that point, if i can catch it there and talk to myself about it, that i can extricate myself before i'm all the way gone.

[lexx]

hi,

I'm new here, but I noticed your post.. I'm a writer too. For me it was/is very hard to write dialogue. When I hit emotional rough patches it pretty much becomes impossible for a while.

The concept of C-PTSD is pretty new for me, but wow I do recognise a lot of it! I didn't know what "lost child" was (thanks for the link) but when I was 7 I spent about a year completely silent, and no one really noticed much of a difference. I think it's safe to say I have a lot of those traits, including the urge to not stand out too much, and to apologise for pretty much anything under the sun.

Yes. I get nervous being noticed. I get overloaded in crowds, or in places with a lot of sensory stimuli (Walmart is not a fun place for me to be).

Do you get this? Do you get to the point where your mind feels wordless and blank? It's not that I don't feel anything in such situations, I definitely do, but (for me at least) I loose the ability to put what I feel into words, even to myself.

It comes back later, but at that point I'm not functioning anymore, and people seem to always misread me at such moments.

There are things I never misread. Flash tempers, rage, pain, fear.. I can tell those better than most. I'm good at spotting people who could present a threat. With my history that makes tons of sense, but other social cues I tend to miss completely.

I might have Asperger's. My middle son does.

It made me wonder though if it might also be related to the ptsd.. (it could he both, really) .. and it makes me worry that maybe I somehow passed this on to my son simply because I'm his mom.. but that's mostly a more toxic part of me talking..

Basically, I'm asking if you (or someone else maybe) recognise this because I was wondering if you might have figured out a way to deal with that state? A way to get past it at least long enough to get out of the situation..

The 54321 sensory method ( http://www.therapistsb.com/blog/post/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique ) doesn't seem to help, because I already have my senses screaming at me at that point..

Back to writing..

I love to read. Always have. So of course I love to write. It terrifies me to think people might read it.. I mean.. I published short stories in a magazine before.. I *do* want someone to read it, obviously, but I'm worried that I stick out like a sore thumb. That my story is the one everyone rolls their eyes at. Why? Because it means something to me. I actually try my best, and that means being vulnerable.

It sounds to me like you might recognise some of this..

Sure, no one can touch your inner most self, but that changes a bit when you let other people read your writing, doesn't it?  Once you put some of that inner world on paper, and allow other people to see it..

What helps for me is to think back to myself, all those years ago, sneaking off to the library in school (instead of having to go outside in the schoolyard for lunch) and diving into a book.

A story is a place where the most unlikely people can do things they never thought they'd be capable of, and where suffering has meaning. Where it can shape someone into something new, instead of into the next generation of abuser.

I think of me, and of kids like who I was back then, and I don't mind *them* reading it.. I wrote it for them! I write it for me too, but I *definitely* write for the person I once was, and for anyone remotely similar.. anyone who might find solace in a story.

If one person like me, or like you, reads it and find something worthwhile in it, then it makes what I've experienced something other than wasted time and senseless, needless hurt.

It gives me a sense of wholeness.. a connection back to myself..

I hope by telling you, maybe you can find that too..

Write it for who you once were when you *really* needed something to carry you through a rough time. Whatever that something was for you.. (stories wouldn't come as a shock to me in your case either *lol* but whatever it was that helped, and does help you..) write it for someone who might reach for your story the same way..  because we're not alone.

Books, stories, imagination helped me to become the parent of amazingly *normal* (ish) caring, and warm young adults.. it also helped me to become more like who I wanted to be, at least some of the time.

For the times that really challenge me.. I still dive into books. If you like.. write it for me..

I can tell you from my side of the screen to yours that I'll be a lot less harsh in my criticism than your own inner voice, and with a very different reason for giving my honest feedback, if you would like that.. the offer stands..

Bottomline:
Just don't give up. If you can't write for a bit, try something different.. photography, painting, music, astronomy, a physics course (hey, math can be almost poetic once it stops looking like a Megalodon)..
Just make time and space for yourself.. because you might just come up with something that actually means something to someone..



sorry for the wall 'o text.. I really try to avoid chapter indexes.. ugh..