Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

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[Sceal]

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[Sceal]

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[Three Roses]

Our brains are really fascinating! I'm no expert but I've read that trauma affects how our memories are stored. For instance, an EF happens when we are triggered by something; very often, we are not even aware of the stimulus triggering us. It can be something easily recognizable, like someone yelling, or something much more difficult to recognize, like the particular feel of a day or the way sunlight hits a surface. The emotional flashback, otherwise known as an amygdala hijack, happens in part of the brain that handles incoming danger signals, and is reacted to there before the stimulus reaches the part of the brain responsible for conscious thought.

Memories of traumatic events are sometimes processed by the brain and stored in the memory as if they are current events instead of in the past.

I know I sound like a broken record about this book, The Body Keeps The Score, but it's so good and so validating. Audio version on YouTube part 1 https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg part 2 https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ

[Sceal]

Thank you for taking your time to share your thoughts with me.

[Blueberry]

It is very fascinating in one way, although incredible painful.

I'm with you there. I find it fascinating, but wish it had nothing to do with me! OTOH I probably never would have found out about it if I weren't involved so to speak.

I have been reading some of your posts, Sceal, including bits of your Journal here, but I'm not always able to answer or respond in any way. Want to let you know though that I hear and see you. 

[Sceal]

I have been reading some of your posts, Sceal, including bits of your Journal here, but I'm not always able to answer or respond in any way. Want to let you know though that I hear and see you. 

Thank you Blueberry, that means alot. 

[Sceal]

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[Blueberry]

I know the feeling(s), Sceal.

Sometimes we need to sit a bit with what is. 

[Sceal]

I know the feeling(s), Sceal.

Sometimes we need to sit a bit with what is. 

[Sceal]

I'm so tired of this *.
Every morning when I wake up, I'm so exhausted. I try to provide my body with nutrition and coffein, yet it doesn't matter. I'm a weak pound of flesh that can hardly move my body, and my mind is just sluggish mush.

I've got stuff I need to do, and I spend such a long time completing each task I am required to start early in the morning to have a chance to get close to the goal. But I wake up in the morning, and I'm awake for an hour, maybe two, before I go back to bed or sleep on the couch. It's like my body is biologically drunk (like when you get less than 4 hours of sleep). I know my sleep patterns aren't healthy, but they are the best they've been for the past two years. I only wake up between 1-4 times a night. It takes me 2hrs instead of 4 to fall asleep. The contents of my dreams are less nightmareish, but more stressful and emotionally compromising. Yet, it's better than I've had for a long time, so why...?

Dear body, I need you to work. I need you to work, so I can work through the *. Give me the time I need each day to get through the stuff so I can create a better life longterm. I know it's not any immediate effect, I know it will be an uphill battle and a long way from here. But I need you to work, so I can do this.
I know we don't like eachother very much, but this is for your benefit too. I promise. We're in this together, regardless of whether we like it or not, body. I need you to pull through.

[Sceal]

I have a need to share my thoughts today it seems.
I went for a long nap after I wrote the last entry and after I wrote the lengthy letter to J, that will never, ever see the light of day outside this forum.
I only hope I've made the details vague enough so no one can recognize it for who, and then by extension find out who I am.

I've been trying to convince myself all day that I can do this. That I just have to sit my * down by the desk and turn the pages of the psychology books, and do an hour, or preferably two of studying. But my head is so full of thoughts, so full of faint memories. My heart is full of emotions, and they aren't joyous. And my body is fatigued. "I'll just rest some more", I keep telling myself " rest properly. allow yourself not to think about it." But I do think about it. The failure of not studying, yet I do know that my brain isn't in any state to actually process information right now.
I could need a friend to hold my hand, or to watch a movie with.
I could need some mindfulness right now. Some that work for longer than a few minutes at a time before I drift off again. Drifting somewhere, somewhere I don't know where.

[Blueberry]

I'm not there in real life Sceal but can send you virtual 
I haven't read your letter to J (yet) but if it was anything like the letter I wrote then I can imagine your heart is full of emotions and your brain can't process information or study. A real pain in the neck, but normal in our healing unfortunately.

[Sceal]

Thank you Blueberry. Virtual hugs are all I can handle today. (Some days I just can't handle physical contact, and today is one of those, but thank you so much for the virtual one. It means a lot)

It's a long letter, and I've a feeling I will write him another one. At some point. I feel sick to my stomach that it's out there now, but I am trying to brave it. It's hard.

And you're right, the brain just isn't capable cognitively to process any new information right now. I know this logically, but emotionally.... I blame myself for not being stronger, more clever, more presistant.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

the truth is that you are clever and persistent enough.  the beast you are battling, however, is bigger and stronger than we ever imagined.  no wonder you're exhausted!  then, trying to study and retain other info on top of that?  wowser bowser! 

we can only do so much when this beast is climbing up our backs.  i just hope that you can be patient with yourself.  you're doing the best you can, and that's good enough.   

i give you a lot of credit for giving your education another go after the setbacks you've had.  it'll happen.  you've got that warrior spirit that keeps moving toward your goal.  sending you a hug filled with strength and resolution.