Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

wowser bowser! 

Hehe, that made me smile!

we can only do so much when this beast is climbing up our backs.  i just hope that you can be patient with yourself.  you're doing the best you can, and that's good enough.   

i give you a lot of credit for giving your education another go after the setbacks you've had.  it'll happen.  you've got that warrior spirit that keeps moving toward your goal.  sending you a hug filled with strength and resolution.

I'm not a very patient person, and neither am I very good at seeing the small steps. But I am trying. It's just that I am trying and re-learning so many skills at one time it gets overwhelming. I'm even learning how to relax. No one can tell me how to do it, no one has been able to explain what "relax" mean. And I've no idea.

My education is quite fragmented. I've tried several times, some of the times I've failed, others I've finished. Some days I feel i can do this, I just need to persist every day! But then, the next four days I don't function at all. It's not ideal.

---
I have to leave the house soon. I made a promise to myself to go swimming before lectures today. But then I checked the news and the picture of J was there. I'm nauseus, dizzy and sweating. I don't like this at all. I was hoping for a calm morning so I would be able to process the entire day.
The sun is out, and I would much rather go for a hike in the nature than go sit at a lecture hall. Be alone amongst the trees with the sun shining through the leaves. Or paddle on the lake when everyone else is at work.  Just be out and enjoy the last days of sun before autumn really sets in and the long months of winter arrives.
But... goddammit I hate this. I hate that I'm choking on my own emotions and thoughts. That I can feel his hands all over me, than I can't push the sensation away.
I'm not safe. And yet I have to go out and expose myself even more. They say that to rid anxiety you have to face your fears over and over and over again, and experience that it's not dangerous. This isn't working. I'm in city centre every week. And it's just getting worse.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just trying to pour the poison out.

[Sceal]

I gathered my courage and left.

At some point I dissociated pretty badly and found myself in an uexpected location. I called my T. She explained about dissociating. We have never talked about that before. I just  assumed I didnt. So that is interesting.  I told her i am not sure how to get through the next few days. She told me to mind my energy levels, and that if I find my self being less than 70% present its time to go home. Thats also a new way of seeing it. Ill try that.

[Three Roses]

  good job!

[Sceal]

  thank you!

[sanmagic7]

i really like that suggestion about minding your energy levels.  it puts it into a tangible place, something you can quantify and know with more certainty.  i would think that would be very grounding as well.   i'm going to start doing that with myself, cuz i don't always know when it's time to 'go home'.  thanks for sharing that, sceal.

i'm really glad you learned about dissociation for yourself.  i do believe that when we can name these beasts, we have a much better chance of dealing with them head on and making them more manageable.    and i also say 'good for you'  for facing your fears one more time and not letting them stop you.

i think ranting and getting the poison out is one of the best things we can do for ourselves at times.  glad you were able to do so.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending a hug filled with mindfulness and courage.

[Sceal]

i really like that suggestion about minding your energy levels.  it puts it into a tangible place, something you can quantify and know with more certainty.  i would think that would be very grounding as well.   i'm going to start doing that with myself, cuz i don't always know when it's time to 'go home'.  thanks for sharing that, sceal.

I told her on the phone I have a tendency to ignore my energy levels and just push through, and when I'm done I'm so worn out I can barely stand up.
She told me that then I already knew that I'm pushing too much and that I need to stop halfway. To me that made no sense, because I have the fear that I'm not good enough, or working hard enough, or that I send the signal that I'm more worth than the rest so I can quit earlier. And so I can't really just "give up" halfway. I didn't tell her that though, I should. But I get so pacified on the phone. But when she said that I need to stop when I'm less than 70% present, that made more sense to me. If I'm not present then I can't actually do the thing. I suspect it'll be an adjustment getting used to. And I'll have to work really hard on not feeling like a failure when I throw in the towel.  And I have to admit I intended very much to mind my presence yesterday, but when I arrived at the lecture hall a girl asked me if she could sit with me, and if I wanted to join their study group. I was so happy, and so relieved that I couldn't possibly leave. Eventhough I was neither present or that the study group was even on for yesterday. 

i'm really glad you learned about dissociation for yourself.  i do believe that when we can name these beasts, we have a much better chance of dealing with them head on and making them more manageable.    and i also say 'good for you'  for facing your fears one more time and not letting them stop you.

i think ranting and getting the poison out is one of the best things we can do for ourselves at times.  glad you were able to do so.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending a hug filled with mindfulness and courage.

I know I tend to "fade away", and I'm neither here nor there. I know I'm physically present, but the mind can't connect to the ongoings around me. These moments happen rather often, but never for long. I've never known what to call it, or what it was. But maybe that's what she meant when I dissociate in various levels. And that yesterday I was completely gone from myself. I know I should be worried, but I'm not. I'm not even concerned. Maybe I don't have any left over energy to care?

I do feel I've been posting here far too much since I joined. And I'm sorry! I should "talk" less about me, and give more support to others.
to you, and than you for being so patient and kind to me.

[Sceal]

Today I got
2hr lecture on personality
2hr lecture on motivation and emotion
2 hr seminar group (3rd meet up)
2hr seminar group (different group and subject. First time)

Ive had 3 hours lecture by now. But I am throwing in the towel. My mind is spent. And the lecturer brought up triggering examples for me.

I am feeling like a failure.

[sanmagic7]

holy moly, sceal!  that's an awful lot of hours of listening, interpreting, understanding, and processing.   i can't do more than about 30 min. at this point.  no wonder your mind shut down.  i don't see that as failing or throwing in the towel, tho.  i see that as your mind knowing it's own level of energy, and stopping in order to take care of itself.

it's like when i push myself too hard for too long, i inevitably get sick.  if i won't stop, my body stops me in its own way.  too much is too much, and then i'm forced to rest.  if i would've stopped at the 70% mark, i wouldn't have to take 3 days to get better after crashing.

i think our minds and bodies are wondrous creatures that know a lot more than we give them credit for at times.  i see it as a built-in fail safe mechanism that takes care of us so that we don't go too far.  i believe it's what has helped us to survive this long, and come as far as we've gotten.

there's no failure in taking care of yourself, nor do i see it as throwing in the towel.  self-care is a necessary component of life, living, and peace of mind.  it's not a time of laziness, of giving up, or of wasting time.  rather, it's a time of regrouping, replenishing, and recouping our own resources.  that's a lot right there.

as far as talking about yourself too much, i don't think that's possible.  this is a time and place for you.  you get to do what's important for you and your recovery here.  if you feel like responding to others, that's fine, but not  required.  your recovery is for you, in your own time, at your own pace.  whatever is helping you is what needs to come first.  we're here to support that.

you're valuable here, sceal.  just like you are, with just what you need to do for you.  sending you a hug filled with warmth, caring, and acceptance. 

[Sceal]

holy moly, sceal!  that's an awful lot of hours of listening, interpreting, understanding, and processing.   i can't do more than about 30 min. at this point.  no wonder your mind shut down.  i don't see that as failing or throwing in the towel, tho.  i see that as your mind knowing it's own level of energy, and stopping in order to take care of itself.

It is an awful lot of hours, I agree. I've been scared of this day and the next 6 weeks since I got my timetable. Every tuesday looks like this. And I'll be honest, I've no idea how to get through them. And I've no idea how to get through all the stuff before the exams. I wasn't able to concentrate for 3 hours, I was merely physically present for that long. Usually I manage to get 20 minutes out of 2 hours of lectures of concentration, unless the lecturer really peaks my interest.

it's like when i push myself too hard for too long, i inevitably get sick.  if i won't stop, my body stops me in its own way.  too much is too much, and then i'm forced to rest.  if i would've stopped at the 70% mark, i wouldn't have to take 3 days to get better after crashing.

i think our minds and bodies are wondrous creatures that know a lot more than we give them credit for at times.  i see it as a built-in fail safe mechanism that takes care of us so that we don't go too far.  i believe it's what has helped us to survive this long, and come as far as we've gotten.

there's no failure in taking care of yourself, nor do i see it as throwing in the towel.  self-care is a necessary component of life, living, and peace of mind.  it's not a time of laziness, of giving up, or of wasting time.  rather, it's a time of regrouping, replenishing, and recouping our own resources.  that's a lot right there.

Maybe we should all practice stopping at 70% ? I am sure it will take a lot of time and effort being able to actually do it, and accept that it's what it is right now. And that this number will go both up and down throughout our lives. My body also tends to break down, in various ways though. Yesterday I threw up and fell asleep for 12 hours. Normally I end up not being able to sleep at all, and as you might know, that does wonder for the psyche [Joking ]
I usually need 3-4 days recovering too, if I don't push too hard and I need a few months.  If you try to stop 70%, I would love to hear how that goes for you.

I think you're right, the body most certainly will let you know when you need to stop. Stop and change something, but sometimes it's hard to listen.

I read about self-care today, how instrumental it is for healing after trauma. But also how difficult and alien it can be for trauma patients to learn to do self-care. I find it a very odd concept, that I should be worthy of care. I do try, sometimes, but I always feel guilty afterwards. I used SI alot afterwards, I've stopped with that, and I hope it remains like that. Eventhough the urge is still there.
If only self-care wasn't so difficult and such an abstract idea.

as far as talking about yourself too much, i don't think that's possible.  this is a time and place for you.  you get to do what's important for you and your recovery here.  if you feel like responding to others, that's fine, but not  required.  your recovery is for you, in your own time, at your own pace.  whatever is helping you is what needs to come first.  we're here to support that.

you're valuable here, sceal.  just like you are, with just what you need to do for you.  sending you a hug filled with warmth, caring, and acceptance.

I had to step away after reading your reply to me, especially after this bit. It made me cry, in a good way that is. It was really beautiful words, and I am choosing to truly believe you truly mean them. Which is why it touched me so. For most of my life I've been silent, or silenced. And I've mostly listened to other people, to their worries, and fears, and problems and "problems", giving them support, yet not recieving it in return. It's a very peculiar thing. I feel guilty for needing to talk. Because I so desperatedly do need to talk, to be listened to, to be heard and believed.
This place is magic, with or without the porch - which is a different kind of magic.

[sanmagic7]

i don't think my words could have touched you if they hadn't been sincere.  i've been where you are - the listener, the problem-solver for others, the ear, the shoulder to cry on.  not believing anyone would want to listen to me because i, too, had been silenced so many times. 

i absolutely meant every word i said.  you are worth it, you deserve to be listened to and heard and accepted just as you are.

i have gotten to the point where i am more aware of the line over which i shouldn't go if i have a choice.  life circumstances have given me too much at times, and i cope as best i can, resting when i'm able.  writing here has been life-saving for me.  not only can i get the poison out here, but i can read and absorb the support, love, and kindness which helps replenish me, too.

sounds like tues. is gonna be a gritch of a day.  do you need to drop a class?  do the best you can.  we're all rooting for you.  i totally support what you're doing.  just always remember, it's your recovery, your space, your time, your pace.  no judgments here.   you'll get to where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.  big hug back atcha!

[Sceal]

Sometimes it just feels more genuine, if you know what I mean? And it truly did feel that way. 

Its good to hear that you have discovered your line. I hope you are able to get the rest when you do need it, even when life pushes not to take one.

Getting to meet you and the others here have been wonderful. Though, I am sad for all the hurt and pain and horribleness that we have all survived. I wish this upon no one.

I might have to drop a class to stay sane. But ive already dropped two. Studying is part of my treatment, to give me something meaningful to do. I just am drowning under the workload. I should stop whining about it really,  and just read instead. For every hour I study I sleep 2. Makes it hard to have a normal sleep pattern. Maybe its an adjustment period?

Tomorrow is DBT group. I got two goals
1) Share my homework if they ask
2) Try my hardest to not leave the group in a panic attack, but ask if we can breathe so I can calm down.

[Sceal]

Well!
Almost success. I really did want to do number 1. in it's entirety. But I was nervous and overactivated. So when it was my turn I just spoke superficially about it. And not really getting to the core of it. But I'll try next week, I used the same example for next weeks homework.
And I did succeed in number 2. 

Anyway, group. I need to talk a little about that.
I don't know their struggles, where they are in their recovery or even what diagnosis they got. And neither do they know this about me.

A few weeks ago two new women joined in. One of them has a hearing disability, so technically she should have an interpreter present during group so she can follow. The clinic unfortunatedly neglected to "order" one for this week's session, and she got quite upset and frustrated. Which of course is very understandable, but still - it affected me. By just being in the room when she was half yelling at the receptionist I got affected. So I went outside to wait, but she followed. It was uncomfortable. So since she doesn't have an interpreter she's dependant on us to look at her while talking to the group so she can read our lips while talking loudly. Again, for me this is difficult. I rarely look people in the eye when I'm talking - or ever really. And I don't talk very loudly. I don't whisper, but.. my voice doesn't carry. And I was doing reading out loud from the manual, and she would quite crassly complain that she couldn't hear. It punched me. I know she was having a frustrating day, and that this really do affect her. But being in a way "told off", doesn't sit very well with me. I spaced out quickly after this.

We were also going through different emotions, and talking about how we can act oposite of them if they are too intense and unfitting of the situation. The group leader was wondering which emotions we wanted to go through, when she suggested shame I said yes. But then this girl got quite negative about that too. Saying shame is something we all feel, and there's no point in talking about shame. And shame isn't a problem, it's natural. And I felt judged, quite harshly. I don't connect with alot of emotions, but shame is such a HUGE part of my day, and it interfers with my therapy and daily life. I felt, ironically enough, shameful about feeling so much shame and letting it interfer with my life. The group leader said we should do it anyway, I think she noticed I struggled.

I can't help but feel vulnerable now about attending group, when she's so adamant and opinionated. I'd like to say it was just this once she's done this, but it isn't. And maybe it's part of her struggles. I should be open minded and explore this and safely be exposed to inter-person relationships that trigger overactivation or underactivation within me.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

can you talk to the group leader about this problem?  it's not sounding like a very healthy thing for you to be constantly exposed to.  abusive, actually.  i'm sorry she's hard of hearing, but that gives her no right to take it out on someone else, or to treat others negatively.  her being hearing impaired is her problem, not yours.

however, if it's causing problems in the group, i would think it needs to now be the moderator's problem to resolve so that everyone can feel comfortable and safe there.  i take it this isn't a c-ptsd group, but rather a workshop-type group for people from all backgrounds.

the idea of you getting triggered to the point of having to leave, not feeling safe enough to speak your truths,  being nervous about sharing your concerns,  all seem to point to the fact that this may not be the right group for you.  i'm not suggesting you leave, but you may want to look at it as honestly as possible.

bottom line, how beneficial is this group experience for you?  you may be activated exactly on point for you and your history if someone is abusive, loud, and triggering.   my concern is with and for you and how it's affecting you to be part of this.  i do hope you get some resolution.  if this group is otherwise beneficial for you, then i hope the moderator will take some control over the situation so that you can stay. 

best to you, sceal.  i hope it works out all right for you.  big hug filled with caring and concern.

[Sceal]

Youve given me something to think about. I am still a little rattled and vulnerable,  I will answer you properly tomorrow.   

[Sceal]

Dear Sanmagic,

I could talk to the group leader, and I might have to carefully breach the subject if it persists. I am terrified of conflicts to such a degree that even the slightest hint of it will get me running (mostly emotionally and mentally running). Though, I do agree with you, it's not any one elses fault that she's hard of hearing and she shouldn't take that out on me. I am trying to be generous and not judge her too quickly. I am not sure if I would call it abuse, hopefully it was just a one-time event where her frustration at the clinic seethed through, but if it continues... Then I guess I will have to talk to one of the group leaders on how to handle this. I don't know if anyone else reacted and felt it was uncomfortable, or if it's just my sensitivity. I don't want to demand things, or make a problem out of something that maybe isn't a problem... if you know what I mean? I don't want to be a troublemaker.

And you're right, it's not a c-ptsd group, or even a ptsd group. It's DBT, which was created mostly for people with BPD's, but it's being used today (atleast in my country) also as trauma treatment. There are parts in DBT which are worth gold to me (such as interpersonal skills, mindfulness for trauma, stabilizing and removing SI tendencies), and other parts which I don't relate to, or is part of my problems. Yet it's been opening my eyes to other people's struggles and their view points on how to deal with it.

There is a part of the manual that will help me seperate facts from emotions, and then to evaluate if my emotions are legitimate in it's intensity levels, and how to proceed forward. I should look it up before next week's session, or maybe talk to the group leader before next week's session. Hopefully that will make me think a bit clearer.  I do need this therapy, though. It is my lifeline. The group was calm, non judgemental and my kind of group before the two new ladies joined in. There will be another one joining in in a couple of weeks. It changes the group dynamic. But my district clinic doesn't offer any other kinds of treatment except for individual therapy sessions. Which I do have too, I am just hoping this will, in the long run, be worth it.
Big hug back to you Thank you for caring, it means alot to me!

-----
Today's entry:

It's still early. The nighttime was spent in bed. Although it was a mix of being asleep and being awake with alot of physical pain. Luckily I have my physiotherapy tomorrow. I'll ask for advice on what to do, or how to manage the pain better.

I feel grumpy, agitated and borderline angry. I can't feel the emotions very well, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm easily provoked today. It's quite unpleasant as I don't know what is causing this.
I am tired of people, and if I could I'd just not talk to anyone today. But I have an appointment at SA-aftercare centre today. I'm new there, and I don't like being new to places. And this is such a vulnerable place to be aswell. But it's part of the process of healing. So I just got to bite the apple.