Sceal's Journal

Started by Sceal, September 21, 2017, 07:06:32 PM

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sanmagic7

i don't think you're whining, dearest sceal.  exam pressure is a real thing - most anybody who's been faced with exams has felt it.  it makes us a bit wonky at times wondering if we did enough, do we need to do more, it'll never be enough, and, o yes, all the 'shoulds' that start showing their faces.

if i may suggest, slow down, count to 10, take a deep breath, and listen to what your gut is telling you.  let it help you make your decision.   it's getting close to being show time, and the pressure increases.

when i first went to college in my teens, studying usually meant an overniter.  when i went back to school in my 40's, that just wasn't an option anymore - i had a hub, kids, work that i was juggling.  studying took on a different face.  i had to adjust to how it would best work for me.

you're doing this.  whichever way it turns out, you'll deal with it.  i have faith in you, and i'm sending a hug filled with faith in yourself. 

Sceal

Your reply made me calm down, thank you San!

I decided to cook dinner. I realized it was due time (and ate too much, but that's another thing for another day). I put on a youtube automatic play list of cello music. ( I love cello!) and someone was playing music from The Lord of the Rings. The music is so emotional in those movies. And I used to be a huuuge huuge fan (Think cosplaying and sleeping on the street in the middle of winter to for a week to get a ticket-kind of fan, and learning elvish kind of fan). But I "overdosed" on the books, on Tolkien, on the movies... So I haven't touched either for over 10 years. It felt like the right time. I put on the first movie, on the first disc. And watched the first disc while eating dinner.

It calmed my head, less swampy. And now I've had some energy to do some revision. Some brief meaningful revision. My voice hurts now from talking and reading out loud my notes. So I'm going to have a calming shower, and then pick up the history book and read until I fall asleep.

Sceal

On second thoughts. I'm going to write some more...

I know it's pretty evident that I've progressed alot lately. Especially in the past month, I am sure it is evident for you here on the forum, as it is for the people around me. I'm more responsive, I am hopeful, I am joining in on things and events. And I suspect my body language and the way I speak also shows there's been a change. And my stress levels have reduced. And my smiles are more genuine, I am not sure if that is apparant to others, because I tend to smile and laugh. Even in therapy. It's been remarked upon on several occasions, it's not fake smiles. Because I don't force them - but they are a form of self-defence. To make myself more likeable and less socially threatening to the people around me. That's my theory anyway....

But, for the past month where my general mood has been lighter, my head has been more "turned on" or "activated cognitivey", and I've had less of lost time, I have silently waited. I keep checking my energy levels "oh, I'm tired, I'm worn out... Is the good time over now?" "Am I exhausted? When do I get exhausted? I should be exhausted by now. Why is it only my mind that's tirering?"  Like a constant check-up on internal damage and pain.
I have less intrusive thoughts too - or no, that's not really true. Like with my exam I  my thoughts can suddenly go from "What did I just read?" to "You're stupid. you're lazy, you aren't working hard enough. you don't deserve this." to "STOP! I don't want to deal with this". This is hard to explain, because it's not a self-validation, self-care or self-soothing kind of behaviour. It's avoidant. I am avoiding any thoughts, any emotion, any reflex and any external stimuli that's likely to cause me pain, hurt, fear, worry... It's like I'm in denial. Denial of my thoughts and my emotions. Does this make sense?

I am clinging to this good period so hard, that I think I am sacrificing something for it. I am pushing away emotions and I am pushing away thoughts. Am I then pushing away part of my identity? I suspect it's part of my avoidant personality disorder trait.
Unless this is me actively searching for something bad, or less than ideal symptom that I have - because this good period is doomed to last, and it's better not to fall too far? Is it self-destructive thought/defence behaviour?

I'm confused. And maybe I just shouldn't see a gift horse in the mouth? ( P.S that is a very weird saying...)

Hope67

Hi Sceal,
I tried to write something coherent to you - here - but I had to delete it, as it didn't make any sense to me - but what I want to do for definite is give you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
I want to wish you the best for finding the answers you seek, and maybe if you don't find them, that you'll feel ok with whatever does come from your thoughts and your feelings.  (See, I don't think what I"m saying makes sense) - my apologies.
:hug:
Hope  :)

DecimalRocket

Well, I'm glad you're doing better. :) But that doubt sounds tough. I remember experiencing the same fragility of experience towards any good I was feeling, and maybe I'm still a bit like that now.

This reminds me of the Buddhist idea of equanimity in meditation. It's the removal of attachment towards what's good or what's bad. This is different from being numbed or dissociated though. Instead of thinking of locking emotions by chains, think of this lack of attachment as more like clay, where it can change form and stay flexible to the situation. I bet you know something like this from DBT - where you have to fully experience your emotions to accept them. Neither running away from it, or trying to maintain it - whether the emotion is positive or negative.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer and I bet it can help whether someone is religious or not.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


It may not be the same for you, but I had a lot of workaholic tendencies before since I emphasized the courage to change things too much and not the others. I'd try to accept myself with more self compassion, but I the third one was the toughest. I thought I'd get out of this by realizing how much I can control, when I only let go by realizing how much I can't control.

Weird how that works, huh?

Sceal

Thank you both!
Thank you, Hope, for giving it a try to write something coherent. I know that can be quite tricky and exhausting sometimes. So the hug and knowing you thought about me is highly, highly apprechiative!

Rocket, I've been thinking of eastern mindset and spirituality lately. I know far too little, and would like to know more. I haven't had the time and energy to actually research it yet. And I also think I'm a little worried, because once delving into spirituality online, or otherwise you very easily run into people who are quite frightening. I've had too deep experiences with something similar, so I am a little careful. Although I do consider myself spiritualistic rather than religious.

---

I got some awful, awful, awful news just as I went to bed yesterday! A friend of mine who comes from a different country married a man of my country. They have several children, and moved abroad to a third country. They've always seemed so friendly, calm. They have been of sound mind, family oriented and generally good people. I haven't been much in contact with them since they moved abroad, but yesterday I was told he kidnapped his own children and moved back to his country of origin. It's just awful! It came out of nowhere. Very out of character for him. And we're all very worried about what will happen. The youngest child was still being breastfed.  I hope it will all work out. The police, embassy, children services, and lawyers have been contacted.
It's just... terrible. I cant even imagine what she must be going through!
I've reached out to her, but she hasn't replied. I don't really expect her to either. We've not been close for years, and she's got more than enough on her plate than to reply to me. But I hope she knows I will help her with almost anything.
I hope it turns out well... I really do.

DecimalRocket

Sorry Sceal if it's too long. :/

Hmm, can I ask what you mean by frightening? From all my years of studying Eastern teachings since I was a preteen, most practicing it tend to be kind. Yes, there are certain online communities where they can be hostile, but most I've been to tend to be governed by mods well and welcoming.

Spiritualistic rather than religious is fine. I've studied a lot of these and there are a lot of people who ignore the supernatural/cosmological aspects of the teachings while still learning from the ideas that can apply to anyone of any spiritual identification.

Eastern mental health tends to focus on acceptance and awareness. Western mental health tends to focus on positive thinking and finding meaning .

I recommend this free online course if you want to try. (https://palousemindfulness.com). Good for starters. Some authors for your level could be Eckhart Tolle or Alan Watts.

A little warning though — the thing about Eastern teachings is that they teach you to be aware — but many people at first are often shocked to find what they're newly aware of in life that can make them emotional. They eventually reach some form of acceptance where they can use it to be more accepting of themselves. You can't accept what you're not aware of after all. If you decide to do this, take it slow.

:hug:









sanmagic7

hey sweetie,

just horrible about your friend's children.  i hope to heaven there is a pos. outcome. 

interesting what you wrote about pushing back at the neg. thoughts.  to my mind, that's a positive thing.  those thoughts have bullied us for so long, and to push back, not allow them to run over your mind anymore seems like you've gained new strength.  i don't see it as denying part of you - those messages weren't yours to begin with. 

one of the things i learned about intrusive neg. thoughts is to say 'STOP' when they come around, to show them who's really the boss.  3roses dresses them up in groucho marx glasses and eyebrows so she can laugh at them and take away their power.   

if i may, then, i disagree that it's avoidant behavior in a neg. sense.  i think it's a pos. behavior that comes from a place of new-found strength and boundaries.   as babies, we didn't have any neg. thoughts or feelings about ourselves.  we loved to be alive and let the world know when we needed something to continue our survival, or wanted something gone that was getting in the way of feeling good about ourselves.

so, in that sense, i do see it as self-love, self-protection, and self-caring to chase the uglies away.  why wouldn't you want to avoid something that hurts you, like neg. thoughts about yourself?  those are dangerous.  they don't benefit us or our lives.  i think it wise to steer clear of them any possible way you can.  you deserve to wallow in these good feelings you've been working so hard for.

it truly is evident, the progress you've made, sceal.  well done.  warm, loving hug filled with enjoyment of all you've accomplished.

Sceal

Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 23, 2018, 03:15:22 PM
Sorry Sceal if it's too long. :/

Hmm, can I ask what you mean by frightening? From all my years of studying Eastern teachings since I was a preteen, most practicing it tend to be kind. Yes, there are certain online communities where they can be hostile, but most I've been to tend to be governed by mods well and welcoming.

Spiritualistic rather than religious is fine. I've studied a lot of these and there are a lot of people who ignore the supernatural/cosmological aspects of the teachings while still learning from the ideas that can apply to anyone of any spiritual identification.

Eastern mental health tends to focus on acceptance and awareness. Western mental health tends to focus on positive thinking and finding meaning .

I recommend this free online course if you want to try. (https://palousemindfulness.com). Good for starters. Some authors for your level could be Eckhart Tolle or Alan Watts.

A little warning though — the thing about Eastern teachings is that they teach you to be aware — but many people at first are often shocked to find what they're newly aware of in life that can make them emotional. They eventually reach some form of acceptance where they can use it to be more accepting of themselves. You can't accept what you're not aware of after all. If you decide to do this, take it slow.

:hug:

It's not to long at all. I am sorry it's taken me a few days to reply, I've just needed to be more clear headed.

By frightening I mean that my experience with people who teach or want to spread knowledge of their way of life thinks that their perception is the only true thing, and some of them often come close to being extremists about it. If you don't accept their teachings you're an enemy. And my experience is being manipulated, or attempted to be. Such people scare me, and I have an expert skill in finding them.

I am not searching for one truth, because I don't believe there to be just one truth. I belive in broadening ones horizon and mixing knowledge together. The history of psychology is a good example for that. The ones who started the branch of academic psychology and it's science weren't psychologists. They were natural scientists, physiscists, evolutionists, philosphers, medical professionsals, and people who were curious and fascinated with the soul, conciousness and memory.

I will look into your link, but not yet. I need to focus on my current challenges of exams and other immediate ordeals. But thank you very much for share, I highly apprechiate it.
:hug:

Sceal

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 23, 2018, 04:52:17 PM
hey sweetie,

just horrible about your friend's children.  i hope to heaven there is a pos. outcome. 

interesting what you wrote about pushing back at the neg. thoughts.  to my mind, that's a positive thing.  those thoughts have bullied us for so long, and to push back, not allow them to run over your mind anymore seems like you've gained new strength.  i don't see it as denying part of you - those messages weren't yours to begin with. 

one of the things i learned about intrusive neg. thoughts is to say 'STOP' when they come around, to show them who's really the boss.  3roses dresses them up in groucho marx glasses and eyebrows so she can laugh at them and take away their power.   

if i may, then, i disagree that it's avoidant behavior in a neg. sense.  i think it's a pos. behavior that comes from a place of new-found strength and boundaries.   as babies, we didn't have any neg. thoughts or feelings about ourselves.  we loved to be alive and let the world know when we needed something to continue our survival, or wanted something gone that was getting in the way of feeling good about ourselves.

so, in that sense, i do see it as self-love, self-protection, and self-caring to chase the uglies away.  why wouldn't you want to avoid something that hurts you, like neg. thoughts about yourself?  those are dangerous.  they don't benefit us or our lives.  i think it wise to steer clear of them any possible way you can.  you deserve to wallow in these good feelings you've been working so hard for.

it truly is evident, the progress you've made, sceal.  well done.  warm, loving hug filled with enjoyment of all you've accomplished.

I too hope that there's a positive outcome. I don't know how the situation is right now, but I hope the children are safe and happy.

I can understand what you're trying to say, that not allowing bad thoughts. But, I don't think it was, or is that. I am not sure if I am able to explain it to properly, because it's difficult to get the brain to work.
But it was more that I wasn't allowed, or couldn't allow ANY thoughts. No, bad, no good, nothing. I was stripped of me, I just had to perform the task that was infront of me. In this case it has been reading to the exam. I can do reading, but reading doesn't work when there's no one behind the scene to accept the knew knowledge and make sense out of it.  I still see it as a form of self-defence.  It's mostly passed now, I broke down a few days ago in exhaustion and everything came flooding back. Thoughts, good and bad, perceptions, evaluations, critical thinking. Not so much energy - but I suspect it'll come after the exam. Or at least I hope so.

It's not that I'm trying to belittle the progress that I've made the past month, and it didn't really feel like a step back either.

sanmagic7

sceal, even if i'm not able to understand it, as long as you do is what counts and what matters. 

sick, low energy today, so let me just say good luck on mon.  can you visualize finishing that exam and being satisfied that you did your best?  love and a big hug.

Sceal

 :bighug: to you San.

I hope you will feel better soon, and that your health grows stronger for each minute.

I will give it my best on Monday, and then I will rest for a while. When the results come back, I'll know if I need to work on forgiving myself or celebrate.

DecimalRocket

#312
It's alright — take your time with your studies and rest.

I understand, Sceal. Past experiences like that can make anyone uneasy. But from observing multiple points of view from afar, I don't think the danger lies with religion, but simply anyone who forces their ideas on people. Not that I think you think that, but your emotions are feeling otherwise.

I grew up reading bounds of subjects about science — and usually it was full of atheists. They thought ending religion would end discrimination, but they did that by discriminating against the religious.

I believe the same thing as you do — mixing different ideas together and finding a new way at looking at the world. That's what I love about learning the most. How different ideas come together.

Take care, Sceal.  :hug:

Hope67

Hi Sceal,
I am sorry to hear about your friend's children. 
I just wanted to send you a hug  :hug: and wish you well for your remaining exams - I think they are around now, and I hope that they go ok for you.  Hope you manage to get a balance of rest and study, as fits best for you. 
Take care,
Hope  :)

Sceal

Thanks Rocket :)

Thanks Hope, :)  :hug: I haven't heard anything more, but I hope her children are well taken care of by their father, if nothing else.

---
I've been good with not being judgy about how and what I eat, and how I look the past month, knowing that it will change one slow and small step at a time.
But I got these sugar cravings today, and it's making me hate myself so deeply. All I can think of is a big juicy burger with cheese and bacon and big crispy fries. Or a big pile of ice-cream. Or cider, or candy... anything SWEET. not salty, but sweet. I don't even really like sweets. and I just hate myself so much for this. for the thoughts. for the behaviour. for the impulses that are there all day long, no matter how much I try to not think about it, or wait it out.

Too much emotion. I can't write right now. Sorry