Letter to Mother

[berceuse]

-Possible triggers-

I don't know what I can talk with you. As everytime I try to open myself to you -and you insisted so much- you manage to shut me up in your own subtle ways so that we can talk about you. You always had a better story than mine. You had already gone through the same things but in a better way. When I talked about how I couldn't make friends at school, you told me how social you were as a child. When I try to talk you about dad, you told me how you got sick after your father died. I guess it was because you were more sensitive than me.  When I told you I had no memories, you always told me your own memories especially the ones with dad. Why were you so competitive with me? It felt as if I was only there to help you feel better about yourself. You vent on me and told me how much you loved me and so glad that you gave birth to me because if you weren't, you would be so lonely and bored.

I did not even realize what you did to me. I loved and cared about you so much when I was a child. I remember thinking about how to make you happy. I would buy you a house. I would buy you nice clothes. I would make you laugh. I would find you new hobbies so you would not be unhappy anymore.

I always felt sorry for you because you made me. Everybody was mean to you. Your sister, your mother, your brother, my sisters, my father, the neighbors. You were the one who was always used because you were so naive and gullible. I was angry towards my sisters because they were making you sad and when I try to help you, you told me to get out. You made me feel small and incapable and left me in agony. Indeed I was too small to deal with your continuous drama.

You yelled at me for ridiculous reasons. I closed the kitchen cupboard a little bit harsh. You yelled at me. I burnt my self a little with hot water. You yelled at me. I tried to be close to you because you quarreled with your brother and you were sad. You yelled at me again. However, you were the angel-like mother. You were overly anxious about me getting sick. You were so self-sacrificing towards anyone to the point that you looked naive and you were also a hypocrite who said really mean things behind those people's backs and you behaved as if they are your best friend when they are around.

And you always said "I love you", "You are my heart", "my sweetheart"... Thanks for making me so anxious about loving/being loved by somebody. Thanks for making me feel worthless and invisible. Thanks for the continuous self-doubt.

You are right about me being cold. I have trust issues and I push loving and caring people away. Then I keep dreaming about intimacy and love so that I won't feel dead inside.

Even when I am writing this I think about the possibility that I am telling lies, I am making up a story so that people can show me sympathy. This type of thought drives me insane.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Not sure how to respond to these letters but I just wanted to say I feel for you. You've really described it quite well how someone can become so anxious of 'love', pushing those things away because of that self-doubt.
Hope you're feeling alright. ^^

[berceuse]

Thank you AphoticAtramentous for sharing your emotions. You don't need to say more.  I guess I am alright. I have never shared so much about me anywhere else. I feel sad but I guess it is ok. It is way better than being numb.