EMDR and me maybe Triggering

[Eyessoblue]

Hi me again, so today had my 9th treatment of EMDR the worse for me, too many bad memories kept coming up, I cried a lot and by the time the session was over felt really angry, my therapist said she was glad the anger had come up as she felt this had been suppressed inside me, trouble is, the anger came out right at the end of the session, she tried to calm me down and get me back into my safe place but I couldn't get there she talked a lot of calming talk and irrelevant things to get me off the feelings, I know she had an appointment straight after me and had to stick to her schedule I have no problem with the time element as I know there are people waiting for their time, but 50 minuets for all this is not a lot of time. Then I'm back home feeling extremely angry and vulnerable drunk 2 bottles of wine in an hour so I could numb myself from the pain then have to wait til next Monday which is my last session on the NHS as I've had 12, I can re apply and I get seen in within 4 weeks which is great for the nhs I'm not moaning about that my moan is what the * do I do within that time, I literally struggle with the 50 mins I get each week and not sure I can cope with nothing, I've been to the dr's today and basically said help me but they've pretty much said I'm having everything I can possibly have. I'm seriously worried for me and not sure what I can do to get by.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie,

may i suggest either writing or drawing this anger out.  i've used both methods, they've helped me tremendously.  the writing doesn't have to make sense, the drawing doesn't have to be 'art'.  both are ways to simply get the emotions/poison out of you and put them somewhere where no one will get hurt - especially you.

i did some anger writing when i was first getting in touch with it.  got a notebook specifically for that reason, and used a red pen only - red denoted anger for me.  then, without editing myself, i let the words fly, whether they were name-calling, cuss words, full sentences about how i felt, or just lightning bolts done with my fist around the pen. 

i kept that up whenever i felt the anger well up, and continued writing until it felt spent.  when i filled the notebook, i immediately walked it out to the trash - i didn't want that vitriol in my house anymore!

as far as drawing, i made images of people who had hurt me.  i'm no artist, by any means, but the images were known to me, what they meant, and that's all that mattered.  for example, i drew a two-faced image of my narc ex, cuz that's exactly what he was - a two-faced liar and cheat.  i also wrote words around and on his face as it felt right for me.

both methods had their own level of emotional cleansing for me.   i did the writing first, and months/years later began on the drawings.  that's how it felt right to me - it was like i got the first layer of anger out with the writing, and later in my recovery, more began surfacing and needed a new avenue of expression.

i don't know if any of this helps - just my experience.  i do hope you find a way to safely express your emotions.  o, and i do a lot of bed pounding.  i focus on the person at whom i'm angry and imagine their face on the blanket.  good physical release.  sending a hug filled with warmth and caring.

[Dee]

Do what you need to do.  I once used a restaurant chalk marker and wrote on every mirror in my house.  I drew anger and I drew rage.  I also cried so hard that I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe again.  I also took a plastic bat to a few soft things.  I have an ager book, hidden underneath a mattress that I write in then hide it, so it can't get out.

Also, sometimes we just need a hug.     and to be told it's okay to not be okay.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you both, great ideas, I do have the urge to scream and shout really loudly, just not sure where I can do that without distressing anyone! The writing I need to start doing again, had forgotten to do it but I will start again. Dee a hug is greatly received thank you.x

[sanmagic7]

don't know if you have a car, but i often used mine as a place for yelling/screaming.  i'd find a place a little out of the way, park, and let 'er rip.  when i settled down, i'd go home again, feeling better.  just a thought.  big hug to you.

[Sceal]

I don't often feel angry. It's such a powerful emotion, and destructive too, that I spend every ounce of me to keep it locked away.
Because, like you, I have no clue how to deal with it.

But there was two non-traumatic episodes that made me angry at my grandmother. It was due to two miscommunications, anyway - skipping the details.
On the one account I would excersise really voilently, using all the anger and pour it out in physical excersise. I had an epileptical machine at home, so I used that. But running til you almost throw up also works, just to get out that excess energy, to calm yourself down, and to gain some healthy hormones afterwards.
Another thing I did was I would hike in the forest or on the mountain, somewhere where I would be completely alone, and I'd imagine she was there, and I would tell her exactly what I felt and thought. (I never actually told her), and it also helped me process the anger and eventually let me let go of it.