Devastating news after making progress over the last few years

[habitude]

TRIGGER WARNING

Please bear with me: this may be rather long because I want to contextualize and also try not to be too triggering for anyone reading this.

I have CPTSD from developmental trauma in my FOO, like a lot of people here. I've been working really hard since I became an adult to recover - I went through multiple misdiagnoses and misguided therapists, often resulting in retraumatization, and it's been a long time that I've been doing this work. Of course, getting trauma informed treatment only began recently because most Ts weren't aware of CPTSD or the impact it has, so after >decade I now have a great T.
I had thought I'd made some progress on the interpersonal things at work, and that the company I am working in was particularly emotional intelligent and supportive, which helped me to feel safer. I received some feedback from my manager yesterday that everyone I've worked with over the past year or so feels that I don't listen to them and am rigid (manager gave some positive feedback too, but as we know, that doesn't 'stick' as well). It was devastating to hear this out of the blue, as I'd thought I was doing relatively well at these things. I was doing my meditation and yoga and work with T, as well as applying skills/tactics to make myself less reactive when triggered. I checked in with people over this time and was told that they'd seen progress.

My biggest triggers are judgement (self as well as external) and not being heard. Its very hard to get this feedback, as it's judgement, and as it diverges so much from my perceptions. I feel very childlike and broken, despite my chronological age, and that I need to go to everyone and apologize and get their approval (not a good tactic for a workplace situation). I'm devastated to hear that the thing I find very hard - not being heard - is something I'm doing to others.

This feedback happened recently and I'm still reeling from it: trouble eating, sleeping, crying all the time etc. I know that this suffering will pass eventually, however I'm finding it very hard to get through. I feel a lot of shame about this, and that I must take action now, although I know that's not a good idea.

Thankyou if you managed to read this far. It helps me to feel less alone.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going thru that. It sucks! 

[rbswan]

I can relate, particularly with work performance appraisals.  I've always dreaded them and over focus on the negative.  I've had to continually remind myself to keep doing the work in therapy even when it doesn't look like, or feel like, I'm making progress.  My T keeps telling me that the process will be slow and I tend to focus on whether others think I have progressed (I hate it when she says that).  She wants me to trust my process.  I try but still feel shame and break down sometimes.  I often feel shame when my inner critic piles on any personal criticism whether it's true or not.  I sometimes feel better when I remember the fact that I'm undoing generations of dysfunction and trauma.  We are doing brave work my friend.  I'm so glad I'm not alone and I'm inspired I'm not the only one doing it.

[Kat]

Brave work, indeed! I'm so sorry you're in the situation you are.  Self-doubt and self-criticism suck. 

One thing that stood out from your post that may or may not be helpful (I sooo hope it's helpful and not harmful) is that you said one of your biggest triggers is not being heard.  Could it be that you're holding to your opinions in an attempt to be heard that is then interpreted as you not listening to others or being too rigid in your thinking?  Does that make sense?  Could it be that you subconsciously feel that moving away from your own way of seeing things somehow means that you are not being heard? 

Again, I'm not there, so I have no way of knowing the true dynamics.  I'm just wondering these things based on what you've written.  I hope all turns out well.  We're here for you.

[sanmagic7]

the main thought i had after reading your post is that you can use this as something constructive (i know that sounds trite, maybe impossible, but i mean it from a healing standpoint.  knowing that you're doing what was done to you is something most of us have experienced.  since i was denied my emotions as a child, i had no compassion for the emotions of others when i got to be an adult.

learning that, tho, has helped me make a concerted effort to do something different.  i'm understanding what compassion means, knowing more about emotions and what part they play in my life and the lives of others, and have taken steps to make adjustments.

not to say it didn't flatten me for a bit after i first learned it, but with time and determination, i've made progress on it.  i believe that you can do the same now that you're aware.  awareness is the first step, always.  we can't change what we don't know needs to be changed.

so, i'm thinking that you use this information (after you pick yourself up and dust yourself off) as something to learn from, and begin making a concerted effort to show an interest in and listen to the rest of everyone.  i believe they'll welcome the attention, you'll be learning a new skill (one that had been kept from you), and you'll become better and more comfortable at it with time and practice.

just my thoughts.   hope any of this is helpful.  my very best to you with this.  big hug, habitude.  this process takes all forms, and we can get ideas from some of the most unthought-of places.  hopefully, then, your next review will show the change.  and that will be something to celebrate.

[Dee]

I feel for you.  I have had negative feedback before and it feels devastating for me.  I can be overly sensitive and while some people may be able to take it in stride, I can't.  I believe this is a symptom.  I don't have any advice to offer, I just want to say I have been there, and it's horrible.  I hope you feel better soon.

[Blueberry]

My biggest triggers are judgement (self as well as external) and not being heard. ... I'm devastated to hear that the thing I find very hard - not being heard - is something I'm doing to others.

Those are two of my very big triggers too. So you're not alone.

I can really understand that you'd be devastated to hear you're doing this to others. But I don't think it's that uncommon really. I do things to other people that were done to me as a child or act the way FOO does even though that hurt me as a child and still hurts me as an adult. When I say I 'do things to other people', I mean things like being overly-critical or negating other people's views, so not physically abusive, and also a lot less towards children.

The difference to me is that I am at least trying not to be this way, and it sounds as if you are also trying very hard to heal from the family legacy.

I understand feeling devastated about negative feedback because that's how it is for me too, even if deserved. I've done some work in trauma therapy on defusing, which has been helpful. It feels a little less devastating. Also through work with Inner Children, explaining to them that today's Blueberry, the Adult, is the intended recipient, not them.

But I'm no longer really in the workforce, which makes it easier I think.
Best wishes to you and  if it helps

[habitude]

Thank you everyone for your words of support - really. I was reading them over the past few days, and now ready to post again.

One thing that stood out from your post that may or may not be helpful (I sooo hope it's helpful and not harmful) is that you said one of your biggest triggers is not being heard.  Could it be that you're holding to your opinions in an attempt to be heard that is then interpreted as you not listening to others or being too rigid in your thinking?  Does that make sense?  Could it be that you subconsciously feel that moving away from your own way of seeing things somehow means that you are not being heard? 

Thank you Kat! This is something I discussed with my T when we were talking about the feedback, and I think you're right. There is going to be lots of opportunity to learn a new skill from this.

Thanks to all the T work I've done I was able to process the feedback: feel the fear, the shame, and also grieve a bit more for my childhood. (Btw: does that never end? I feel like I've been doing this grieving thing for years!) That's something that wouldn't have been possible a few years ago. I would have focused on where they're wrong and I'm right, as well as dissociating and doing any other non-helpful habits (eating, drinking, drugging) so as not to feel. And in processing this when I was meditating, I found some momentary self-compassion for the little child within and was able to tell them that I'd be there to help them through. First time ever. So this very devastating and significant event has had at least one positive outcome.

Now to work on developing the skill of noticing this particular trigger and not jumping in to clarify or whatever I was doing, so that both me and others' feel heard.

Thank you again everyone - it so helps to get it out and have others who've gone through the same sort of thing and developed similiar coping mechanisms. I appreciate you all.

[habitude]

Update: I lost my job the other day. I had been trying so hard at work, but apparently a couple of people complained about me during this time, so they don't think it will be possible for me to reverse the issues and don't want to impact the company any further.
I feel so much grief, shame, guilt, sadness and even a little anger. I'm trying to process this, and also practice self care and give myself compassion - especially the child inside.
To their credit they offered some support in terms of coaching after everything is finalized.
I'm not sure what to do next, although I know now is not a good time to make decisions.
I feel like this job was a lot of what I had in my life: it was a company that I impacted from the earliest days, and which tries to do a lot of good in this world. The people at the company try to embody that, and I feel so inadequate that I failed to also. As someone with CPTSD I know that my communication skills are lacking: I spent my childhood looking out trying to survive. I know that growing up and parenting yourself while an adult is very hard, and that we have a very hard road - and continuing to try is admirable. I can start to see where my CPTSD symptoms impacted communications here, and that delivering on my tasks wasn't enough.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I have a little bit saved to take some time off and recover before looking for work again. I am very fortunate to be in that position. I'm afraid that getting another job in my field will end up the same way, and I am also ashamed when I look at my peers in this industry and how they've progressed in comparison. I built my career and was doing well there and in the last 10 years it has slowly unravelled. I'm fortunate to be in a location where there is a lot of work for my skillset, however I'm wary of retraumatizing myself since without great communication skills and a lot of structure I can see my stress skyrocketing (which happened here), EFs going on all over the place and failures in mood regulation resulting in big problems at work. I experienced all the 4 Fs in the past few months.
I feel really alone in my life, and here at OOTS is the only place I feel some community.
I went NC with my FOO a few years ago, I have a great T at last who specializes in this work, and I have some financial resources which are all important.
I feel this loss almost more than the childhood loss we all experience atm: work is such a big part of our lives, especially when there is not much else going on: no partner, friends etc.
Has anyone else gone through this? Do you all have any advice? Trying to recover while being employed seems impossible to me: the stakes are so much higher than elsewhere in my life, and any mistakes related to CPTSD symptoms are magnified.

[Blueberry]

First of all, I'm really sorry you lost your job, especially as you had been trying so hard.
I think it's great that you're practising self-care and compassion, esp. for the child inside you.

I feel this loss almost more than the childhood loss we all experience atm: work is such a big part of our lives, especially when there is not much else going on: no partner, friends etc.
Has anyone else gone through this? Do you all have any advice? Trying to recover while being employed seems impossible to me: the stakes are so much higher than elsewhere in my life, and any mistakes related to CPTSD symptoms are magnified.

I remember it was a shock when I lost my job. It was to do with downsizing, but I'd been off sick a long time and I'd known it would happen some time. Soon after I felt the relief - I still had savings too. I didn't have to keep trying to do something I didn't have the mental energy for anymore. What I didn't know was how long it would take me to get back into the job market - I still haven't made it. And part of this is: trying to heal and be employed at the same time - it hasn't worked for me. I get triggered into oblivion by not much.

Work is no longer such a big part of my life. I have more friends and more outside interests than when I was in the workforce, even before I got really ill. I even sometimes do a little volunteer work when I feel up to it.

BTW you can still do good in the world without doing it through the company you were employed by. 

[Dee]

I am so sorry you lost your job.  My heart goes out to you.

[Kat]

Habitude,

I'm so sorry to hear about your job loss.  That's got to be upsetting in so many ways.  You sound really good, like you're taking it well.  I hope that's truly the case.

Holding down a job is hard enough when you have CPTSD.  Doing well at it is even harder.  Part of what CPTSD can create in us is perfectionism.  I know I'd always done well in school and at most things I attempted as a kid.  I focused so much on excelling.  I think others can relate to this.  I only bring it up because I've had to slowly accept that I'm not the greatest at my job.  I do all right, but I don't have the time or energy someone without CPTSD might have to do the job better.  It's something I've only very slowly realized and come to accept.  But, I have to give myself a break.  I think I hear you giving yourself a break as well.  I hope so. 

In addition to this self-forgiveness for not being perfect (or even excellent), I am starting to realize how the stress of a job can affect one's healing.  The last two years were especially tough professionally.  I was wiped out and called in sick a lot.  I thought I was somehow weaker than my colleagues.  However, this year some changes were made and I've been able to taste a bit of what others were enjoying in terms of less emotional and cognitive demand.  The stress level has dropped significantly and with that drop I've found myself drinking less, sleeping less, and being less depressed.  Choose your next job wisely if you have the ability. 

[habitude]

I may sound good, but it's really hard. I'm trying to do everything I can to practice self care: getting dressed (if not actually showering), eating, drinking lots of water, meditating and some yoga, trying to leave the house every day, and trying not to ruminate on the circumstances of my job loss.

Daily (hourly too) I feel a lot of fear, shame, grief, abandonment and loneliness.

I'm looking for a support group in my city, but so far no luck. I know I can't start looking for a new job until I pass through these emotions: my self esteem is in the toilet, and I could start crying at any time, even in an interview...

I'm even wondering if I should move back to where my FOO is b/c that's familiar and there will be some support around things like having a roof over my head...

[Blueberry]

I'm trying to do everything I can to practice self care: getting dressed (if not actually showering), eating, drinking lots of water, meditating and some yoga, trying to leave the house every day, and trying not to ruminate on the circumstances of my job loss.

Because none of that is easy. Especially not when we're feeling devastated.

[HabitudeII]

Firstly: i had to create a new account. I forgot the password for the other one, and never received the password reset email. I apologise if this is a violation of the rules. I also apologise for this triggering anything in members here. So it's me, Habitude, with a new account name - same person.

(Mods, if you'd like to archive this account I understand. I've tried to remember my original account password so many times over three weeks and failed. And I couldn't find any way to contact anyone without having an account ... by which time I've gotten so bad that I couldnt wait.)

Update on where I am now. 

A few weeks ago my T told me not to call her so much, and that when I do I need to have a specific ask for how she can help. Since then I've been degenerating. I started drinking at home alone: after 7 years sober I had a drink at a bachelorette party, and had been having the occasional drink outside the home for a few months, but one of my rules was never drink alone. This is a full on relapse for me. And I was starting to feel that I wasn't actually an alcoholic but that I'd been put into a box by well-meaning healthcare workers, who know nothing of CPTSD. Every time I drink I feel guilty and ashamed after. But it does help me momentarily to stop feeling all the shame around being fired.

I know that my T's pronouncement has triggered all sorts of abandonment feelings. I haven't been able to talk to her about that. T has gone from telling me to 'call if you need something' to 'you can handle this on your own'. I haven't been able to make it out of the house to see T for two weeks, and T has taken a few days to see if I'm ok; I know that T has own life and can set boundaries etc, but I still feel abandoned.

At the moment it's like my inner child has taken over and adult me is AWOL. 

I haven't had anything to do for days, and without adult me showing up, all those self care things have disappeared: yoga, eating well, meditation, getting out of the house, getting dressed, bathing ... Looking for a job is almost impossible: it will open me up for self judgement and the judgement of others, and I honestly don't think I can tolerate it.

I have no real friends here (a few overseas), and I'm loathe to share what's really going on with the few I have (they're in the third circle, using Pete Walker's model of friendships) in case they too abandon me. I couldn't handle the rejection now. Plus, this time of year there's a lot of family/friends events going on and I don't have any to participate in. I feel alone most of the time.

I even emailed my BPDs the other day after over a year NC - kept it to birthday wishes, nothing heavy. I haven't heard back of course: my family has a long history of using silent treatment as punishment.

I hope this isn't too much for anyone here. I feel I just need to get it all out, and journaling never works for me.