Each Day A Blank Page

[movementforthebetter]

Not sure if today was a breakthrough of some kind. It was certainly some kind of progress.

I started my last day off before work again as pleasantly as I could, to ease myself back into the early starts. Nice coffee, yogurt &  granola, a pastry, and yoga.

I knew I was in a tender place when she said the point of the practice was "loving ourselves" and my heart caught in my throat. Okie dokie, right to the insecurities at 7am!  But I continued on, determined to get a healthy routine going again. I had only done yoga a couple of times the entire time I was away. And it was a very stressful for me. I catch myself clenching my jaw, just thinking about it.

So I do a few poses and man, am I sore. Tighter that it seems I've ever been. We get to stretching the shoulders, which have been hunched at desks, wedged into airplane seats, and supporting my enlarged bossom (yay, sedentary weight gain), and carrying most of my stress. They have been very painful over the last few weeks.  All of a sudden I burst into tears, less than 5 minutes into practice. And I sob through the rest of it.

I'm grateful I do yoga at home, alone, because I was unprepared for this, and it was ugly crying. I have been feeling squishy all day. I wish I could say I feel better, like I released something. But not yet. I think this pain is deep enough that it'll take time.

I joked that the work experience traumatized me. It's not much of a joke, though.

I've been carrying stress about my work, my home, and my finances for over a year. I think I might be nearing a breakdown. If breaking down means being done with other people's abuse and expectations, packing it all in and leaving.

After all this I ran into my landlord. I told him I was back, but work is likely to send me away again in July, so could I please sublet again? He said no, and in fact it was never ok the first time. Which was a surprise to me given that he never replied to the email in which I informed them I had to leave for work and was planning to sublet.  The email I still have, in my sent folder.

So I was pushed to leave for work, had to foot my own expenses  for a month and wait to be reimbursed, and needed to sublet to free the cash to be able to go to work. And this was unacceptable to my landlord.  I'm not even sure anymore if I'm done with this city anymore, or it's done with me.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, but no wonder I ended up sobbing. The last few months had some amazing things happen, but it was also really, really rough. Something I think only a couple of people I know might have "kind-of" experienced. And I don't believe all this struggle is worth it here, anymore.

[Three Roses]

I'm wishing you peace, the knowledge that you matter and are loved, and confidence in the decisions it sounds like you'll be making. 

[movementforthebetter]

I just finished rewatching Westworld. Such a good show, such layered storytelling and meaning. But I wonder if the meanings I start to realize from the show were at all intended, and can't help but think only some were.

Each day I see more clearly.  People so broken, systems so broken, and societies so broken, that I am reaching a point of simultaneously raging and freezing. I cannot cooperate with people I cannot respect, and I cannot respect abusers. I cannot complete my loops.  This leaves me quite lonely in the world, because all of us carry the seeds of abuse in us. Not all of us will let that seed grow, or worse, condone abuse or actively abuse,  themselves. But those who do are so destructive that they leave trails of trauma behind them. And I think they are the majority of people. They live in their loops and never question a thing in themselves.

I have abused, and if I'm honest, I'm likely to again at some point. Not from a desire to control, but more likely in an emotional flashback, when I react from instinct and programming. I'm imperfect, naturally, and I don't think I'll reach some enlightened place where I'll never act abusively again. It's funny, I mentioned before how I feel on the edge of a breakdown, but it's really that I can't accept garbage anymore.

I see systems built with layer upon layer of oppression, and the only way out of our particular type of oppression appears to be to climb on up to the next layer. Do I shrug and climb, being glad I get to a place "a little better" than I was at, knowing it will have a high cost to others? Do I shrug and accept this as the way of the world? Or do I stop participating in the broken world, and try to build one of my own? One that to my heart at least, is less broken, with as little to do with this world as possible.

It's funny to me because my first round of therapy, it occurred to me that the goal wasn't actually to heal me, just to make me productive again. Useful to society, whatever that use is. And that realization has faded in and out over the years. But it's back in a big way now. And I don't know what to do now. I don't know if it will fade away again. I don't know if it just sounds like crazy babble to most people outside of me (oh yeah, most abusers).

I have been to therapy. I have taken communication classes. And I realized that I wasn't really the person that needed these things.  They help me, and I learn. But chronic abusers won't recognize themselves, won't want to increase empathy, and won't consider such activities as worthwhile. And I only partially hurt myself, if I've intentionally gone into harm's way. Otherwise, it's other people. They are the sticks and stones that break my bones, and also the name callers and abusers that scar me.

I need to carve my secret spaces and find a small group of people I can really trust. Can I do that in a lifetime of seeking? I find the people I trust come into my life until something happens and the trust is violated. Respect declines, and eventually I move apart from them. Which is also another way of looking at self-isolation. And here I am on the brink of doing that again, yet I can't find compelling enough reasons to stay. Nothing is strong enough to hold me.

It's a lot to parse, and probably a lot to try and follow. Too much for tonight, but I hope to revisit this line of thinking soon and expand on it.

[sanmagic7]

i get it.  i've thought very similar thoughts.  i have the feeling that i've gone as far as i can, am now concentrating on a very few people in my life, and wonder how much is worth what.  i've done the rallies, demonstrations, marching in the streets, and the beat goes on.  if i were well enough, i'd still be demonstrating, even while believing it will probably produce little to no change.

i agree with you about the abusers, too.  they put on the facade, believe they know all they need to know, all the while lying to themselves and anyone they come within earshot of.  they won't get it.  i think it's beyond them.

so be it.  i live in my ever-decreasing world, seeing, knowing, and understanding to the best of my ability.  just putting one foot in front of the other, making it from one day to the next.  any little bit of good i can do in this world, i do it as well as i'm able.  i see to my little piece of the world as best i can. 

productive in this society as compared to healing.  that's a biggie for sure.  is that what you want?  have you talked to your t about it?  they are so far apart.  nice short range goal, but incomplete, to my mind. 

i think we all cross other peoples' boundaries from time to time, but i believe that intentions count for a lot.  i will make mistakes, say things i shouldn't, lash out, even,  but i don't mean to hurt someone.  do you?  i also feel bad when i do it, apologize sincerely for hurting them, and work at making sure i won't do it again.

i think abuse has a hidden agenda behind it, something the abuser doesn't want to come out into the open.  that's why it's done over and over, rather than recognizing and acknowledging the hurt, feeling remorse, and doing what's needed so that it doesn't happen again.  a very different dynamic, especially the repetition of it.

such deep thoughts, mftb.  very deep, profound.   no loop for you, but i've known very loopy people all my life.  they're so obvious.   big warm hug to you, filled with sincerity and clarity.

[movementforthebetter]

I've been avoiding coming back to write. The level of self-examination I need to complete right now felt too heavy for work days.

I want to take the stress out of my life, or at least turn it down to a manageable level. And yet, I have ambitions. Given that I'm wired to hypervigilence, it seems to be a recipe for difficulties. I think my expectations haven't been realistic.

A lot happened while I was away. I "broke up" twice, first with my friend with benefits, because his situation with his girlfriend was too harmful and triggering for me. A couple weeks later,  ended the more serious relationship I had, after learning that he was going to Mexico for a week with his other girlfriend, the entire week after Christmas when I was back in town,  and could have seen him. I felt pretty bummed out about this. But on my fwb's advice (still friends), I tried to date while out there.

I had already realized I could see myself out there. And then I met someone. We more than clicked. We want basically the same things in life, have similar philosophies, enjoy each other's company, have both mutual and individual interests, and our strengths compliment our differences. It felt "right" almost from the beginning. Different in a good and natural way. He's caring, considerate, and altruistic to a reasonable degree. He's stable and communicative.

We dated up until Christmas, then talked every day while I was gone, then spent almost every night together when I went back out there. He loves me, and I love him. He treats me amazingly, and I have seen no red flags. I even wrote him "20 questions" to try and find any points of caution, and didn't.

He's not a perfect person. But he's not broken, and not stunted. He says what he means, and lives by the golden rule. He can learn from me, and I can learn from him.

In a roundabout way, this takes me back to my last post. How do I proceed in a world that has so many harsh contradictions? One that is so full of cruelty and abuse.

Being away made me realize that I am deserving of better, just as I am, now. I am flawed but not worthless. I think I am a mediocre person, and that's not bad. It takes some pressure off. I do bad things unintentionally sometimes. But I am not bad. And the same would have to be true of most people except for the chronic abusers.

So for me to get beyond the blocks I am experiencing now, to be able to stay involved in this world, with any energy to cope, I think I have to do 3 main things:

1) regularly doing yoga, at least every other day.
2) cultivating some faith that most people's actions aren't intentionally negative
3) working on forgiveness/gratitude for all the small things that I do. I am intentionally leaving out "big" things. I am hoping to change the nature of the hundreds of battles in my body.

I think those are 3 minor ways I can free up my mental and emotional bandwidth. In starting with me, maybe I can be more ok with others. Eventually. Not that this will be easy.

It's really important for me to remember that there will be times I forget, and setbacks, but those 3 steps should be able to get me back on track.

There's a lot of bad in the world. But if I can make a little good, for myself and maybe a couple others, I should do that. There's a little willful blindness in the simplicity of that statement. But I'm hoping that by starting small, I can find the strength to reach further.

Such an about face from the last entry. This is what being on the retreating end of an anxiety attack looks like. I want to remember this.

[radical]

It makes me happy to see you back here, MFTB.

I've always gotten so much from what you share with us.  Such courage, wisdom, determination and honesty.

[sanmagic7]

mftb. i think that if everyone did some good in their little chunk of the world, and we put all those chunks together, it would be a different world, indeed.  sounds like a great plan.

sounds pretty turbulent for you for a bit, but i'm glad you've found someone who seems compatible.  that's pretty cool.

glad you're on the back side of the anxiety, too.  i know it sure feels better there.  big hug.

[Three Roses]

...I am deserving of better, just as I am, now. I am flawed but not worthless. I think I am a mediocre person, and that's not bad. It takes some pressure off. I do bad things unintentionally sometimes. But I am not bad.

[movementforthebetter]

Today I'm feeling wry amusement at my desperation to be a functional person in a dysfunctional world. Why bother? Meh. What else would I do with my life? Lol.

[sanmagic7]

ain't it the truth.  thanks for the 'meh' chuckle.

[movementforthebetter]

It's snowing in my city tonight, and my city is a place that isn't equipped for snow. So I am half expecting that I'll have a snow day tomorrow.

I remember how anxious and deeply stressed I was by this last year. At that time, not making it to work for a day meant not making rent. Things have improved a little since then.

I'm a bit sick, and came home and napped after work. So wide awake now.

There are a couple of C-PTSD "symptoms" I've been puzzling about.

The first, I've kinda written about before. I posted about ADD and focus elsewhere in the forum.  This relates to that. I struggle to remember things if I have to focus on something else specific. This manifests as general difficulty focusing on tasks, rapid forgetfulness, and appearing/feeling scattered. This is very hard to cope with at work and I struggle with it nearly minute by minute. I've been trying to actively observe it happening, and the circumstances in which it's most troublesome. Worst seems to be when I am listening to someone in a conversation, and there's a point I want to make in relation to their statement. I have a habit of enthusiastically interrupting. It's rude, and I know it, although I don't mean to be insulting. So I make an active effort to stay in the moment and listen only. Unfortunately, even concentrating on listening to the other person. In that moment is usually too much input, and I forget what I wanted to say before they finish taking. Sometimes, the effort of staying in the moment is enough that I don't even retain what the person said. It's pretty embarrassing, and I dread lengthy verbal instructions because I will either forget to clarify something important, or forget the instructions themselves. I try to cope by writing down all instructions but it's time consuming and not fool-proof, either. My short-term memory is almost non-existent, sometimes.

Writing made me sleepy. Will hit up the other point, soon.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm sorry to hear about your concentration problems and that you're a bit sick. I've gotten sick recently too.

As a suggestion. I've learned a lot from meditation, and one of the best advice on how to focus was to focus like placing a feather. For example, think of someone you admire or love. Notice it comes more easily in your mind than forcing the focus, right? There needs to be a balance between the amount of "push" and "pull" there is in focus, and often the hard part is recognizing it as it changes over time and doing it. It takes time so be easy on yourself if you try it, alright?

Well, take care. 

[movementforthebetter]

Woke from a dream that was kind of a time travel dream but in which I also died multiple times. Groundhog day meets Star Wars meets Star Trek. And I seemed to be the only person aware of the repetition. Which figured in a way because I was the one who was tasked with the suicide mission, wherein I would live if I succeeded, and die and have to replay my life until I got it right if I failed. Come to think of it, this dream is also basically Westworld and that Tom Cruise space war movie whose name I can't remember. I woke completely anxious even though I did eventually succeed in the dream.

Although on the surface it's unrelated, I am sure this is a work dream. In life I feel like I am experiencing the same awful situations over and over and I can't figure out how to navigate them properly with the people I have to work with. I don't get enough training for my "mission", rush through my work, doing the best I can for the time I have, and it's somehow not up to standard, even though I followed the rules I was given. And then I have to do it again, with even less time, and everyone is frustrated with me. Is it any wonder that I wake up anxious, and that work is the biggest stress in my life?

So far working as an adult has again and again mirrored my relationship with my family. I get what I get, and it's never what I actually need to succeed. Eventually I find the courage, or out of desperation or innocent ignorance, I ask for what I need, and that request is met with derision or judgement or anger. So I stop asking, and go on suffering. Family and work, same bullcrap, different pile.

And now that I am an adult, I am judged poorly for failing by most people, and judged poorly for asking for more help by some of the same people. People who get to evaluate my work as part of their jobs. And yet I get no chance to evaluate theirs, and culture frowns upon even mentioning their shortcomings because we're supposed to be a team. Well, lol, they actually use the word "family".

On top of all this, I can't afford to live anywhere near work, and can't afford a car. And this is modern life. And people hear my job and say "sounds fun!" and I think, if they only knew.

I don't know how to keep on pushing past breaking. Work breaks me again and again. Actually, it's really people that break me again and again. I am functional enough to fall through the cracks and be judged for failing. I hate this culture so much sometimes. Where "collaboration" actually means "conformity", and respect only goes one way. Don't I dare comment on what needs to be improved.

So then anxiety gets worse and worse, and eventually panic attacks and other issues. Like it's not hard to see why I'm suffering... It's been the same story since I was a child. I live in fear because someone always holds power over me to make my life more miserable. And when I think I'm doing ok, that's often when the rug flies out from under me. Blah. I know I'm basically describing a lot of people's lives.

Anyway, Monday, yay. Time to go prove my worth as a human for another week.

[movementforthebetter]

Back awake in the middle of the night. I don't  even fight insomnia anymore. I try to sleep well. I just don't sleep well.

Had an interesting experience. I went for an eye exam, first in over 10 years. Have been experiencing minor double vision at times, finally saw to it.

The eye exam form asks family medical history. I realize now that any time any medical questions are asked, for the rest of my life, I will have to remember my father's death.

This is the other point that I never got to a few entries ago. Appropriate it came like this. It's exactly the same as in life. I guess it's memory problems. I think there's an element of inner critic, too. That I'm not worth the time I need to express myself.  I have so much trouble with getting everything I need to say out. I often leave out something important. Then I remember it later and feel lousy about it. It causes problems sometimes. This is frequently triggered by circumstances, too. But most people see this as "excuses" because they lack empathy.

So anyway, in the exam, for whatever reason, I didn't tell the Dr that I have one tiny dark spot in my vision. In my left field of view. It doesn't impact me negatively, and I don't know when it appeared. It's just there. Sometimes I see it, mostly not. I specifically got my eyes checked and didn't mention it. Ugh.

I also have a tendency to downplay my own discomfort. I think mainly this is from being dismissed so much that I have internalized it. So the Dr asks about my eyes, which are pretty red in the eyelids. And I have itchy, red eyes almost all the time. Nothing makes a really noticible difference. I've been living with it. "I figured it was just allergies", I told him. He tells me I need to wash my eyelids with baby shampoo every day now.

I pick a couple basic frames and head for home. Later, I start Dr Googling. And then  .

Red, itchy eyes that feel gritty with no obvious cause is one of the symptoms of a rare auto immune disease. One that my brother has. One that I have never mentioned to any health professional, even though he was diagnosed several years ago. One that can attack any part of the body with differing severity, and has no specific test. It can only be ruled out by process of elimination. It could explain pretty much every random and mysterious health issue I've had that didn't just resolve itself since childhood. Or I could be a hypochondriac, which is how I feel people see me.

Is this a path I want to go down with Dr's? I suffer, but am not incapacitated. Yet. I fear the years of my life this could take. The uncertainty. Test after test, some traumatic. But it is a real disease, "visible" with hard evidence.

My next step is to talk to my brother, I guess. Then I can decide.

Again I'm left with more questions than answers, and never enough time, space or energy to express everything I am experiencing.

[sanmagic7]

man, i hate those kinds of surprises, mftb.   it would really suck if you have that illness, but at least it would answer some questions.  i think talking to your bro is a good first step.  he may be able to give you some further insight.

read a few of your back posts and just want to tell you that i have that same problem with forgetting or wanting to be sure i get my point in during a conversation or i'll forget it.  sometimes what i've done is tell people that i need to interrupt for a second, and ask them to remind me that i want to say 'so and so' when they're finished.  that way it's verbalized succinctly, and 2 people have it in their minds to recall during a break in the conversation.  that's worked pretty well for me.

the circumstances of your job sound a lot like you get set up to fail if you're not given enough information to perform correctly, but are somehow penalized when you ask for clarification.  i feel for you in that kind of situation.  it does sound like foo stuff all over again.  bleccch.

wishing you the best with everything.  i hope everything about your eyes turns out all right.  big hug to you.