Rebuiding core relationships

[hank]

I am working to rebuild a good relationship with my mother. The challenge of it is that she continues to abuse me in shaming me and emotionally draining me with comments like telling me to toughen up and her not being willing to acknowledge her abuse. It is not abuse from her perspective and not intentional I do not think. It is her framing of how I ought to deal with life's challenges.

We cannot talk about it directly, but I am able to point out to her where her current day comments are unhelpful and even damaging. In this way we are making progress where I can stop and correct her and her behavior is changing. She realizes where her comment style is unhelpful and she is changing the ways in which she talks to me as a result. Little by little. I also said some damaging things to her publicly, a few years back (in emails with wider distribution) as, at the time, she was not hearing my complaints about how she was treating me. These emails caused her great embarrassment and that was the worst thing I could have done to her. Well, we seemed to have survived it and after a number of years she seems to have found a way to forgive me. I think this is likely due to my having said some truth that she agrees with, although it was damaging to have said. She continues to stand by me and help me so she values her son as her son values his mom.

Nevertheless, the habit of poor communication between us is deeply ingrained and her first response to my expressing either difficulty with the relationship or difficulty in life is to toughen up and that so many have it worse than I do. This is true but it does nothing to help my problems, and in fact it dismisses my struggle. This is yet another way of emotional abuse that my reality is not worthy of examination and correction. My father was also abusive at an early age, although he stopped beating me after a particularly bad beating at a young age. He always used his belt and my mother always hung the threat of "wait until I tell your father when he gets home", my knowing what the would entail. She never knew what happened behind closed doors, but she well knew his uncontrolled anger and so I think that that is convenient that she did not really know. She knew.

Between the physical abuse of my father, totally enraged and without restraint, and my mothers threats and disregard for my suffering, and many doses of public humiliation, it was tough growing up. I rejected authority and became the bad child they accused me of being and the cycle thus began.

I am currently in my late 40s and my father died seceral years ago. My mother still disregards my real suffering and there is still emotional abuse ongoing. She refuses to acknowledge my fathers abuse, wishing to retain idealized memories of her husband. As well, she refuses to acknowledge her framing of my mental illness to my regret. On one hand she states I have mental illness in diminishing me, on the other hand she expects healthy rational decision making as if I did not have mental illness. She cannot have it both ways.

It is tough going. I am making progress. Much of this progress is from a deeper understanding of the layers of shame I fight to deny. It is as an onoin and there are new tears at every layer I unpeel. The denial of contribution to my abuse and the delicate approach I need to take is actually empowering me to take a reserved attitude. It is my illness and my understanding that gives me a chance to stand firmly without undue accusation. The reality is that both of my parents had suffered abuse at their young ages and their mechanisms of self-defense to their abuses molded their approaches to dealing with me. And I was a handful. That right there is my turning responsibility onto myself and blaming myself for the way I took the abuse of my parents. Where lies blame? Blame is of no account.

I do wish to point out how very confusing it is to struggle with the perception that one's parents are both your most loving and most hateful. Both are true. But it is not their fault, it is the way they were wired from their abuse. You see? Blame disappears and understanding the cycle allows the cycle to be broken. Abuse is a learned behavior and the way out is understanding, forgiveness and the resulting compassion allows Love to be freely given.

Responsibility is shared and that understanding is what I wish to establish between my mother and myself. But she refuses to consider it. So my path is narrow in both reaching an understanding at the same time repairing the relationship. We make progress. I share this in hopes it may resonate with you and be helpful to you. Do you sense the way I stand forth in hurt and healing, both? I do feel empowered in my suffering and that is something exclusively mine to wield. Understanding.

All the best to my brethren and sestren.

[Three Roses]

I did not try to rebuild relationships with either parent while they were alive. I had no desire to suffer more abuse, or have to steel myself for visits. I was able to be there for them when they passed, and act as executrix of their estate, but it was from the understanding that they would not change and did not want to discuss these issues in the last years they had left to enjoy on this earth.

My conscience is clear.

Still, I have managed to feel some understanding toward them, as they had quite enough of their own damage to explain (not excuse) their actions without me taking it personally. They did the best they could with what they had, what they knew. If I had to grade them on parenting, they'd each get a failing grade.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm impressed you have the guts to be trying to rebuild and reconcile things with your mother, especially when she's still abusing you and refusing to acknowledge her own faults. :S I wouldn't be able to rebuild any of my relationships with my FOO, not at all.
But I suppose, if you're really heart-set on making it work out, I wish you luck. ^^

[hank]

As much as abuse is part of my relationship with my mother, I recognize it is the way she knows to conduct with me, in a highly criticizing way. I see it and I understand so I am prepared to let it wash off of me. There is also a vast amount of love between us. I choose love.

[ImaSurvivor]

I think you're last post is spot-on, Hank.  I'm finally realizing that I have choices.  I can choose shame, guilt, negativity, self-loathing.  Or, I can choose gratitude, acceptance, positivity and love.  Your post is a good reminder for me to choose the latter.