Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2

[tea-the-artist]

"Emotional distress is a signal that it's getting harder to remain emotionally unconscious."
- Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting or Self-Involved Parents

In 2014 I dropped out of college. In the fall, it seemed like I had depression because I felt everything just fell apart and that I was alone. And I was. Even with my brother home with me. I remember spending the entire last half of the year lying in bed and not doing much. Eventually my brother got angry with me, saying I wasn't doing enough to be there for him.

Two years ago was probably the biggest breakdown I'd ever have because of the stress I carried in my role as the Caterer and Entertainer of my FOO. I remember feeling like it came out of nowhere, being told I was acting like F, suddenly going into a tantrum and knocking over a shelf in my room, in tears.

And again, last year and this year, more breakdowns. Unsure why I was feeling so tired of it all.


I can't truly determine all the steps I should be taking in terms of recovering from trauma, but without access to therapy, I'm moving forward to learning how to be more active in my self-care. Been reading Adult Children for the last couple weeks and I feel like it's a great starter book. It's not specific to abuse survivors but it's so handy right now. "Emotionally immature" is the gist of my parents, with the added abuse and neglect of course. There's something really rewarding about feeling "smart" about the people who've hurt me.

I really wanted to start a new journal after my first year on the forum. I've grown, I know that. I can see that and so can my friends. There's still many things to work on that I think will really get me moved out confidently without relying on F (getting kicked out or getting into a situation where I feel forced to leave, as if this isn't that situation...).

Every day I feel more beautiful emotionally and much closer to moving. I keep getting glimpses in my heart's mind that make me feel incredible. Like a weight is lifted for half of a split second. The longer the better.

But every day I also see my FOO stay the same. I hadn't been speaking to my brother, but he's drifted back to me. I'm sure I've left an opening. It isn't that I don't want to be there for him. It's that I have to focus on myself. And he told me that, but he's forgotten.

And M has forgotten all of the days I spent my lunch break crying in her office about the pain I've been feeling since childhood. She acts the same. I don't think she remembers either.

F and I are supposed to have a talk soon, but I'm not looking forward to it. It's so we can "be on the same page," which means I need to be on his page. NO THANKS! It's as if HE wasn't giving me a 2-week cold shoulder! (albeit, I was in an emotional flashback). As if he stayed stoic and emotionless in my face while I was upset and miserable. Like I'd been when I was 17. And 14. And the many years before.

That's something I've been remembering. He showed me no emotions but anger. No sympathy or understanding. Never. I can't conjure up skills him that I was never taught.

So we'll see how this "conversation" LECTURE goes! I'll try my best to stand in my truth and collect evidence of his 24-year consistent neglect. I've avoided being in flashback the last time he was cruel to me and I'll do it again.

[Blueberry]

It's good to see you back, tea. And especially to hear the progress you're making and to hear that your friends see it. That means it's more than little steps imho otherwise people without this beast don't see the progress.

"Every day I feel more beautiful emotionally and much closer to moving. I keep getting glimpses in my heart's mind that make me feel incredible. Like a weight is lifted for half of a split second. The longer the better." Beautifully put!

"But every day I also see my FOO stay the same. I hadn't been speaking to my brother, but he's drifted back to me. I'm sure I've left an opening. It isn't that I don't want to be there for him. It's that I have to focus on myself. And he told me that, but he's forgotten." You go, girl! Focus on you, even if your B has forgotten.

I wish you lots of strength for the upcoming 'talk' with your F. I really wish you could get out of the whole situation permanently tbh, but I know these things can take time. So I hope that time comes sooner rather than later.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks Blueberry  I'm hoping for the best!



yesterday I was on the phone with Peach and we ended up talking about struggling with our own traumas. I talked about reparenting and needing to fill the gaps my parents missed.

I think I've come to fully (maybe 98%) realize that there are so many gaps that they are just too late in the parenting game to fix. They've been parents for 30 years, and even with me as the second attempt to get things right, nothing came of it. No efforts were made.

Struggling with reaching out is still pretty hard. I think my focus right now is learning how to be there for myself the way my parents can't and won't. F and I still haven't had that talk, and I know it'll be invalidating but I'll remember to detach and read the situation objectively, observing him like a scientist instead of the reactive daughter.

I don't think it's necessarily to my benefit, but I am interested in just telling the truth. I've lied about a lot, to myself and my parents and brother). I won't outright say he's abusive. But I will probably just speak my own truth about the life I've lived, about how the actions of others have hurt me and how I've been unable to speak up about it. How I've been disrespected (my self as a person as well as my privacy). The reaction won't be good. But like Pansy said to me over the summer, whatever the reaction, I'll know that I played my part.

They're attached to me and are probably terrified of me leaving but that's just that. I was terrified as a child too. And no one came to help me or sooth and comfort me. It's a strange feeling of being the little adult for everyone, when my parents should have been the proper adults for me.

It'd be great to have this conversation with F soon. The longer I wait, the more exhausted I get. I just, I know it in my heart that there's nothing left here. And that the benefits of moving in with Pansy and MG grossly outweigh the benefits of staying. I have a lot of insecurities still about moving though, that I feel getting a solid "there's nothing left for me here, in this house" will kind of push me to overcoming. Or at least will force me to rely on my friends without being ashamed and being afraid of getting abandoned.

Can't remember if I ever put it that way, but I am scared of that. But I think, having no options left will force me to work through that insecurity. I know they would never do that to me. The things that they themselves have been through, their actions right now, is really proof of that.

It's just really good to keep remembering that you just cannot grow to be healthier while still living in a toxic environment.

[tea-the-artist]

Great weekend! Had a short bit of abandonment while at dinner with MG and Pansy, when pansy switched sides leaving me by myself. that went away when I returned with my dinner only to find Rose there too! And her friend and roommate Safflower who I hadn't seen in over a year! The whole night was really nice.

I realized though, I wasn't talking much. I felt a bit unintelligent because I wasn't contributing to the conversations other than to say one-liners or something funny. Maybe it's a processing thing. At one point, Saff asked what the highlight of our week was and at first I said it was being able to see Rose again! She looked so stunning and lovely! She told me about the job I had applied for and how despite their lack of communication, it wasn't my fault or anything. Good to know. Maybe if they decide to reach out to me later like they seem to be planning, then I'll accept it and move out!

But then I was asked again and added that I made an artist care package for Peach and got to mail it out that day. There's always been something nice about putting my love into my art and making something for someone I care about and hoping it touches them deeply and warmly.

When I was talking I could feel my face getting warm.. like I was embarrassed or nervous to be talking in front of everyone. I don't know why I get like that. I've always been nervous talking or addressing more than two people at a time but I never know why.


Still haven't talked with F. Trying to avoid him for the most part. But also trying to not feel suffocated while we're in the same space, so detaching is kind of helping a bit in keeping me from acknowledging him for the type of man he is.

Reading has helped quite a bit. I'm still thinking on my feet and remembering to be the adult before I go into drasticizing. Still self-soothing. I was left at the table at dinner a bit and tried not to feel so alone while my friends got their dinners and desserts. It helped!

I can tell my emotions have been spiking for "reasons" considering I cried in the car ride home because it was past midnight and I was stressing out about being home late. No one confronted me on it and I don't have a curfew so I'm working to move past it.

A big accomplishment in my eyes! I've worked on remembering to feed myself. Made lots of food last week. Spent some time learning how to cut vegetables properly and just stir fried everything and put it on top of kale and it was great! And it felt nice to do that for myself.

Even this morning. I was running late. Usually when I run late, I unconsciously punish myself by skipping breakfast or just sending a feeling to myself that I don't deserve to eat. But today I ate some breakfast biscuits instead of purposefully leaving my snack bag at home! So that's great! A good thing to acknowledge. I don't know if the self-punishment thing would be considered a disorder or a self-harm but it's something I'm working through!




I don't know if moving away from recounting the past is super beneficial. I would like to know where that self-punishment came from.

Yesterday I remembered when I was in middle and high school, after we'd moved here. I remember when I got asked every morning before school if I had my lunch or if I had lunch money. I'd always say yes, except the rare "no." I wonder if I felt like I was being a burden. Wanting to be as little trouble as possible. I was just a kid still. Even when I was an older teen I'd lie about it still. And then I'd go to lunch period and just draw or share lunch with a friend who saw I wasn't eating.

I know I would forget to ask for money or forget to make lunch. So I didn't like to get found out, because I would get yelled out or I would inconvenience my parents.

Like somehow, underneath all the lying, I felt like I just didn't deserve to eat if I had forgotten to make food in advance or didn't have time. That's not true! I know better. I wish things were better back then so I would never feel like that. Because I still get the self-punishment feeling that alerts me to forgo eating. But at least now I know to consciously make the effort to eat when I can. I ought to make myself a schedule.

8:15am - breakfast
1:00pm - lunch

those are the two I tend to skip because those are the meals I'm responsible for making for myself. Maybe I'll follow that until it becomes a habit of self-nurturing.

[tea-the-artist]

finally had talk with F. just a small yet maybe major success. i think i've solved something to do with my trauma.

F relates to me as if I was his employee. he told me about all his former employees and even current customers who ask him things or reach out for advice or support. and told me "well why can't my daughter come to me?" and i just. it clicked and it checks out.

he relates to me... in a sense that whatever he says is law. whatever advice he gives, it should be taken and adhered to. any and all criticism should be seen as constructive, no matter how unsupportive and condescending and hurtful it is.

that's not how an F should relate to his children, adult or not.

I'm not his employee. I'm his daughter and I deserve to be treated like I'm the child he helped raise and nurture and love for 24 years. not an employee who's been trying to get the hang of HIS WORLD AND RULES all this time.

it's... something. kind of groundbreaking i guess. i'm tired because the talk was actually a 2 hour lecture of things i've done wrong in the past month and a lecture on how i should be the one.... maintaining the relationship and going to him for support an F should give. as if...

but it's something I can work with. something I can think about using in the future. i stayed detached the whole time. I teared up a little once but maintained a distant feeling, noting on things I knew would make me upset (him talking about a female employee saying her reaching out to him made him feel like her F. how about that!). in the future i'll keep in mind he doesn't see me as a human being with naturally complicated feelings and needs, but as an employee that has ONE ROLE. I'll keep that in mind and it'll hurt a lot less because I won't expect him to realize I'm his daughter.

[tea-the-artist]

Things are definitely not the same as they were when I left this journal months ago. October doesn't seem that long ago but it really is in terms of trauma and recovering.

Something I realized last night was that I've been trying so hard to fix myself up for my friends before I move in with them. Trying to heal as much as possible so I can function well enough to be around them every day. That doesn't seem really healthy. I could see if I was already seeing a T or something. But I'm doing this all by myself. Recovery feels very lonely, and after my entire life of getting through things alone, it'd be really nice to have someone to hold my hand and push me forward as far as I can go each day.

Another thing I'd also realized recently is that I don't think enough about my teenage inner child. Or children? There's at least two from different years of high school that I've left behind. They were sad girls, but also angry girls too. As I say that, I feel a sort of nostalgic anger that I had simmering throughout school that until now I'd only vaguely remembered. Like I know I had a lot of frustration, but I remember the art I made and the things I wrote. I miss those girls.

A good thing is that over the last handful of months I've done a bit better at caring for my youngest inner child. Back when I first learned about inner kids I couldn't visualize her at all, but now I can see her particular hairstyle. The front side braid and the back braid. Eyes crinkle and twinkle brightly when she smiles. But wearing the top I liked a lot in junior high, even though she's about 5 or so. It shrunk with her I guess?

But I've thought a lot about her, and have worked really hard to be her parent, and thus re-parenting myself. Unfortunately the other day I'd completely abandoned her after going into a breakdown, feeling unintelligent and incompetent. I couldn't break my adult self out of it to calm down and remind myself that those were lies, and to reassure myself that I'm trying my freakin best! But I know it now. It doesn't mean all my work is erased.

But my teenage inner child. If I could bring her out, and validate her frustrations and anger over being constantly hurt and abandoned, maybe that could help me move forward more consistently. The youngest is very vulnerable, and subject to being triggered by anything that could be perceived as abandonment. But I'm working on that! I'm working through the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness and making sure I am there for myself. I'm bigger and smarter now, more capable too.

But I'm not sure what I know of the teens. There were lots of abandonment feelings there too. But I think I blurred a lot of it out. High school is such a vague memory. I'm only 25 and I can't remember most of my teachers. I do have all my journals from back then so maybe that's a start. And some old sketchbooks too (one of which I found in F's room!!! that made me so angry!! )

Maybe another thing to think about is that I know I was so grossly misunderstood. I mean that's the Story of Every Teenager Who Ever Existed. But my parents didn't ever bother to try. They pretended like they did, as if reading my journals was their genuine way to understand me instead of going to the source and at least TRYING to be patient! It was the last chance they had to really do their parental best to really see me. To encourage their child to grow beautifully and creatively.

I'll investigate it. It would be nice to be angry for a change instead of hopelessly sad.

[Blueberry]

Hey tea 

It's good to see you back once again! You, my dear, are making great strides. (I hope it's OK to say "my dear"? It's just what popped into my head and then stayed there.) There's so much more assertiveness and strength in your post.

I really like the picture of your IC and it's great that you can visualise her now. That's progress

Some of my ICs have done things which weren't age-appropriate. Like the 2 year old came up with sentences no 2 year old would.  In fact my ICs progressed in various ways, they changed with time. I also discovered that some ICs connected with some ITeens. So all that to say, don't worry that your 5 year old is wearing one of your junior high tops.

for all the reparenting you're doing! That's really great! Please don't beat yourself up for relapsing one time and not being there for IC because of a breakdown. We all have these. One wise member on here says it's not a case of if we have a relapse, it's when. And then the issue is: do you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going? That's just what you did.  And no, not all your work is erased! Not at all.

It sounds from your post as though there's a whole lot more about to start recovering and healing. You go, girl! 

When you feel lonely in recovery, you know we're here. Even if you don't want to post or read much and maybe just want to come and sit on the Healing Porch so as not to be alone.   

Blueberry

[tea-the-artist]

meadows for freedom! just a quick thought while i interrupt my reading this article about inner children! Of course I got emotional reading the list of things. It was like reading them felt like I was saying those things to little tea. I feel a little burst of hope for us. While reading I was picturing her sitting on my lap, and the article said "Inner Child" she'd look at me excited saying "THAT'S ME!" I guess.. if I can imagine that, even though I'm too good at imagining and daydreaming things that feel real, then she must absolutely be really real, huh.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks for the welcome back Blueberry totally fine to say dear!

thanks for the note on assertiveness! I've been seeing it too, in my feelings the last handful of months. since writing, I realized little tea might actually admire that blue sweater for junior high.

getting back up has been tough, but I'm getting there for sure. a visit to the porch might do me some good, actually.




been stressed about being a consistent person. I stopped using my planner a couple weeks ago, but the $15 won't go to waste. I'll get back into it. I found a great tip on choosing a different planner/planner app every week. switching it up so it feels new each time. and I really love the whole "starting new" feeling, so that really appeals to me. maybe I'll set an alarm for each sunday.

I redid my room a couple weekends ago (and again today) and still am not satisfied. I think it's a guilt pang because I won't be living here long enough to enjoy it. so I feel some sadness about it. like what's-the-point kind of sadness. the little art space has been used three times and my legs hurt from sitting on the floor instead of at the desk. guess I'm just trying to give myself (or Little Tea?) a real room of my own that i never really had. my apartment room feels a bit more like a home-room to me, but I'm not living there yet.

anyway I've been trying to approach re-parenting from a hypothetical parent perspective. the inconsistency I have has been giving me a hard time with it. trying to set up a routine for things to do.

but I think! I might actually be struggling because I'm scheduling Adult Tea tasks. Little Tea, at 8, doesn't know what an art commission is. She doesn't know how to apply for jobs. or how to update a blog. what did I know how to do at 8?

Brush teeth.
Let M do hair.
Do homework.
Draw.
Watch cartoons.
Read.
Play games.

Among other little things. am I supposed to schedule things for her or me? I guess real parents would be doing both. Do I schedule things for Adult Me the way I'd schedule them for Little Tea? like making names for them ("art class" when I need to work on my frustratingly-deadlineless commission?)

When I feel like an adult, I feel at ease, in some sort of control. the things I need to do are lined up in my head at light speed and I can accomplish them throughout the day.

But nowadays I feel like a child. don't wanna do anything. I can barely make it to wash my face because I've made an excuse to do it after my pillows are washed. I have to wash my face only when I know I'm going to lay to sleep right away. oh I can't do these commissions because I need to do warm-ups and the table is too low so my legs will hurt, but sitting at the bigger desk will confuse me because I wanted to establish it as a space for Important Art. it's all excuses that.. don't really have my reason to them. it's just feelings. I guess that's how kids are, and by default how little tea is going to be. if that's her saying those things and not adult me using her as an excuse.

if I could add just one thing to the unstructured schedule of my life, it'd be painting and drawing daily (or most days of the week). Art Class. If I'm not going to draw or paint, I'll swatch the colors from my palettes. Then at least I've picked up a brush and done something for the day. anything. i could create more again. the recent sunny days at least have been helping me feel more alive, which in turn helps me want to make art.

but the meadow for freedom.

maybe I can start thinking about that place. an oil painting I did the other day, of a garden. looks more like a meadow, with a fence and some purple lupines and pink and white wildflowers all over. some trees in the back. a small patch of blue sky, the color i was SO proud of making (phthalo green, cerulean blue, french ultramarine, and titanium white!), I couldn't believe I did that.

but that could be the place Little Tea can go, that I think of, to be free. maybe I'll paint more scenes for her to wander around in. more meadows. that's the sort of place I'd love to live. with train tracks just a little ways down the hill from our home, a cottage. I'll think about this more. Actually I think it's settled because I sketched something for it. there's a lake around there too. why not?

I need to be stable. have structure, predictable structure. Every day I'll work to:

• eat breakfast before leaving for work.
• make lunch the night before, or buy lunch before my work shift starts
• paint after work, for 45 minutes. (if i need to swatch every single paint I own then I will. nothing else to be forced)
• start bedtime routine at 9:30pm

• tidy room (or desk if it's too overwhelming)
• brush teeth
• wash face
• in bed by 10:30pm

Every day. I want to be a better, stable role model for little tea. she deserves that. the unpredictability was a scary thing. even scarier was being expected to do something that wasn't planned. but I'm the parent now. I'm here for her, making sure she knows what we have to do every day to feel some sort of control over our situation.

I know one of the biggest let downs was my parents not following through on things. I never got much explanation. not until I was already an adult, then they could say money was tight or not enough time. I can communicate better to little tea. If I promised something, I should explain right away, instead of waiting to be surprised and overwhelmed. propose an alternative, unlike F The Irrational would do. Things happen. Plans change. The people I make plans with don't hate me if they cancel last minute. There's plenty for us to do with the new free time we'd have! This is optimistic. It's probably good for parents to be optimistic. Kids can probably detect whether or not their parent/s can handle changes (thus internalizing whatever implicit messages they're sent when the parents react). Again, if I slip up, I won't beat myself up. How will Little Tea think of me when I do that? Permission to do that to herself? I will continue, so she knows not only do I not beat myself up, but I also keep pushing instead of quitting!

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're back, tea. d and i love your paintings, that color blue sounds marvelous, and what a nifty idea to make places for little tea to run and frolic in, carefree and joyful.  sounds absolutely beautiful.

so much progress, so much strength and so much of you and your truth showing.  wonderful to see.  big hug to you filled with beauty, love, and caring.

[Blueberry]

Wow, tea! So much progress. Your post is buzzing with energy and ideas. I love your creativity and your idea about making a world for little tea in your paintings.    

Thanks for link to inner child article!

[tea-the-artist]

thanks everyone (you're welcome blueberry)! i feel pretty... on the positive side today!

notes: my truth, what feels good, motorcycle dream, excitement=motivation=bursts of new ideas/revelations?


HM! I think I just got a breakthrough? I feel like I realize this aaaaall the time.

Feeling forgotten hurts! I've had a lot of that in the last 25 years. But I think this is another trigger of mine that stems from neglect. This is actually exciting to note!

Yesterday was kind of miserable.
M started her new job at a new school and I felt so alone. Trigger One - feels like abandonment (reality: it isn't!)
On my way to work I realized I forgot my lunch. Trigger Two - recreated neglect onto self
Sat alone in the cold staff lounge a whole hour before work. Trigger Three - more abandonment
Forgot my headphones and couldn't listen to podcasts. Trigger Four - not sure. abandonment? neglect/feeling forgotten?

I did remember to buy lunch from the bookstore, so trigger two was remedied. I also remembered sometimes I like eating alone, unbothered, because I need space to recover. So I ate lunch alone. Sort of remedied trigger three.

This morning, I had the bright feeling and told M that even though I miss her at work, it's actually kind of cool that we go our separate ways to work. I flashed back to high school when I'd go to school and she'd go to work. I don't know why that's such a good and interesting feeling but it is. I think I like it aesthetically. Going separate ways and seeing each other later. Instead of seeing her all the time. Trigger one - REMEDIED~ (I'm also aware that I was a strong advocate for her leaving her job for a better one, because I knew she deserved better, deserved to be treated better and not be walked over. hm! ironic, no? I realized that in january)

BUT! About those headphones. I went home last night and decided I'd make soup for Little Tea. I listened to a podcast and prepped the potatoes and parsnips and onions. It turned out pretty great in the end! And before bed I tucked my headphones around my purse so I wouldn't forget them!

I think when I forget items or forget to eat, it feels like self-neglect. I feel so miserable. What makes me feel good is remembering things for myself.

Remembering to eat. Because not eating gives me headaches.
Remembering to pack meals! Because it feels like I'm my own M, acknowledging that I may forget and should pack in advance.
Remembering to go to bed on time!!! Because going to bed late makes me sleepy at work. It feels good to be tired at 10pm and fall asleep because I usually feel good energy the next day.
Remembering to bring my sketchbook. Because even if I don't use it, at least I remembered to encourage creativity on the go.

Small things to remember make me feel good. It's the little things that people without cPTSD say they remember their parent/s doing for them, that made them feel so connected. Me and Little Tea will have that. I'm working hard to remember to remember the little things that might not be a huge deal to other people.

Last night I had a motorcycle dream. Of course I immediately looked it up and of course it talked about my desire for freedom. I think that's a given right now.  The other day I talked to M about maybe spending spring break at MG and Pansy's place (my future apartment). She asked why () did it have to be there. Why not? I'm 25. I want to go have fun with my friends. She was doing dishes so of course she stopped talking and when she talked again, brought up a coworker here and started a new conversation. Didn't bother to try again and later went upstairs to lie down. Might have cried a bit.

That's tiring and annoying. She's going to keep doing that, avoiding things. Just like she avoided me wanting to move out last summer Been itching to ask F. Also been doing the drasticizing flash-forward thing, imagining if I ask him and he makes awful comments and I say LAST STRAW and move out. It may or may not be the same conversation as I had back in October. But having to ask, at this age, is getting ridiculous.

Anyway, I gotta think about what excites me to the point of motivation. I saw new replies today, with great suggestions and validation and that sparked something in me, to think more about what makes me feel good, what could soothe Little Tea. Seeing other people's art used to spark me but now it doesn't.

New changes spark something in me. New information and insight. I have to look more into this.

I think those "sparks" are the truths that san mentioned. Maybe. Is that how I truly am? One burst of excitement leads to another burst, leads to interest in learning new info, leading to excitement about reading and LEARNING?
Or is that an inconsistency? Or can't focus? I get so excited about things that I forget what I'm doing and go focus all my energy on the new thing I found out. I was reading the Angering Thread earlier and was sparked to go check a website. And just now I went into another thread to look at some recovery tools.

I've always had some focus issues which made reading (and therefore school) very challenging. And often due to my forgetfulness, I forget to do the thing I was motivated to do. But that is the negative side.

The positive is that motivation is sparked. If I can spark enough, it can last for a long time, maybe after spring officially starts.

OH! man another idea  I was reading the first entry since I've been back and thought.

Hey! If I'm gonna connect to my inner teens, why not do this through MUSIC! YES! I think this is a great and exciting idea because music always makes me feel better!

The Rocket Summer comes to mind immediately. Gonna give him a listen during lunch. Anberlin was another band. I left them behind because the friend who'd introduced me to them turned out to be racist (right at the time of a big US issue coming to light). But I figure now, why leave them behind when I have already left her behind?! They meant a lot to me.

I can't think of any more right now but I'll remember to look through my journals and see who else is on the list. This is pretty exciting! I remember reading something in one of those wiki articles, how to connect to your teen or something. I felt silly, BUT it makes sense.

My parents never tried to understand the tunes I jammed out to. F in particular would say it didn't make sense, sounded too sad, or wasn't as good as His Music Back In His Day. Who cared!? I felt embarrassed because of this. I shouldn't have. Rock is probably one of the genres the helped keep me going through the misery that was my high school years. I need to write this down so I don't forget.

[sanmagic7]

you are beautiful!!!  big hug.

[tea-the-artist]

I'm really sad, crying. I got some time to read my journals from early teen years.

in one, I began it introducing myself, that I role played. "just me. in a world (aka- my brain) of blah-blah-blah"

I feel so sad. I always knew as an adult that I had imaginary friends but I guess until knowing about CPTSD I didn't know what it meant.

I had friends I saw at school but most of my time. probably all of my summer days I spent alone if I wasn't watching bro play games. all the cartoon characters I admired or had related to went to one of 3 schools I made up, one of them I went to as a 14 year old.

I really thought this stuff was fine. I hate that I was so lonely I had kept this up since I was 8. and kept doing this until my 2nd year of college.

even now, there's no one made up but the presence of my best friends joining me while I lip sync to old music in my room. I guess even now that I'm 11 years older, even though I'm able to see friends when they ask, I'm still the same sort of lonely.

[tea-the-artist]

one of my entries I had written saying I felt stupid, that I was stupid. that my parents made me feel stupid. reading it made me feel like at the time I'd accepted it (and I can pretty much understand why nowadays I feel unintelligent).

"Why can't they just say 'Sorry Tea... but you're stupid.'" early teen Tea felt like that.

Something about the way I wrote (and how I write these journal entries here), it was like I was absolutely expected and hoping someone would read. Maybe sympathize. I was writing with the purpose of being seen, rather than writing with the purpose of expressing my feelings. I might need to look for earlier journals. I think those were written more to an imaginary person ("diary") that was seeing and hearing about my days, rather than to nosy and intrusive parents. I don't remember them reading my journals and confronting me about the content until we moved when I was in middle school.

I remember back then feeling like I had to change the way I spoke to them, that my "new language" for them would be short and concise. "Yes... no... I don't know but maybe the answer is..." I even remember this particular day I was sitting at my computer practicing how to speak quietly. As if that would make my parents nicer and change them to be more understanding of my feelings (and perhaps more receptive to emotional cues?)

I listened to some music and that felt good until I came up to the role playing intro entry.

I don't remember if I ever really get ANGRY in my journals. Like explicitly. I may have worked around it since I had the constant feeling that my parents were reading everything. F always said "No matter what, I'm always going to find out." That's a great way to make your daughter feel like a prisoner who's always being watched, no privacy.

It's like those parents who take away the door to their kid's bedroom, as a sign of "lost trust." but for this case, the door was in my mind and I always knew someone was watching and judging and making note of everything. I guess maybe I thought this was my chance to attempt to make them see what I feel in a palatable way. But I was a young teen and they were much older and not at all the relatable type. Or the self-reflecting-action-changing type.

I always forget there is no "me before the trauma." I just saw a post on my blog platform the other day about this. Coming to terms with the fact that there is no pre-trauma identity is difficult.

To fix something means to bring it back to its original functioning way. Fixing means the thing was once "well." At some point. I thought about old cars. From waaay back. Rusty, maybe some parts missing or damaged. Can't drive it. But before it got to this state, it was working. There were no missing parts, it was shiny, clean. No dings or cracks. It performed well.

I guess I'm not like that. There's always been something. I can't really "fix" myself. There isn't anything to necessarily "undo." I'd have to take things away, all this trauma, the mess it's caused. I think a while back in the first chapter of Self Educating, I wrote that this is my identity. Guess I feel like if I take away and heal from the trauma, I've got nothing. Or that I am nothing.

My "true self" is probably more like "my created/artificial ideal self." While I'm learning and healing, I'm creating a picture of who I want to be. Feels like having a giant scar all across my entire body. In the beginning, I have a hard time functioning with it. But later on, I know how to move. How to breathe. How to exist with the scar, without the scar causing me pain. And in the event that it does cause pain, I know how to alleviate it immediately. But it's still there. Not sure if I've really even accepted the fact that complex trauma is a lifelong thing. That becomes more manageable with time, effort and care.

I'm not really sure what I want out of this life except a break and some peace. want to note some good things today though.

even though it took me almost an hour to get dressed, in the end I found a good outfit that reaffirms my usually unconnected gender. feels good with the super cropped haircut I got last week. walked to work in a sort of not really "boyish" but... I like the term NEUTRAL.. gait. i might have been leaning forward a little bit like I was stalking a bit. not sure if that's the word. walking with some determination. I really like my outfit today. makes me feel good.

picked up some extra things for lunch since all i brought was leftover pasta from sunday's lunch. I think i'll eat alone today while listening to MBMBAM (a really nice and super funny podcast that always cheers me up! those guys are silly, i love it!). also got some coffee which i NEVER drink. tasted good? I did end up feeling perkier.

couldn't believe it was sunny for an hour. so I moved one of the tables in the lounge towards the big windows. that was nice. took some selfies and pics of the sky and sun. ate some of the sour gummies i bought. my fave candy. did some sketches and doodling in my recently made sketchbook. that was great too!

got some more compliments on my hair. I think i'm waiting for the day someone calls it "sharp." in the fall someone at starbucks said it looked "sharp" and it was so nice! and gender affirming too. i'd never heard that applied to me before and it really meant a lot. I think I look sharp today too.

now recounting those things makes me feel good. i'm gonna eat the rest of the gummies and listen to the podcast. recounting good things... that could be a self care thing. like the Three Good Things A Day thread. And maybe a self soothing part of my routine. Good things that happened this week, that I can write in my physical journal.

feels really good to actually know and remember good things I've experienced.