Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2

Started by tea-the-artist, October 13, 2017, 06:29:19 PM

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tea-the-artist

thanks as always DR! :thumbup: I think this identity crisis is about ten years overdue lol! I don't recall getting some time to investigate who I was or wanted to be. now at 25 I think I'm finally taking the time to do this, which is good!

feeling good today! still very sick. 60% recovered. maybe 50%. but last night I think things turned around after a good nap.

today is SPRING :cheer: which is already very motivating! Did a short meditation at work yesterday. Also got some time to write down some thoughts in my physical journal. which felt good since I hadn't written in over a week.

good things I realized:
1. I feel somehow good when I talk to myself while doing things.
I realize I've been pretty quiet and my thoughts have been jumbling by themselves. but talking myself through actions, like last night when I decided I needed to brush my teeth and wash my face an hour before bed because I'd be too sleepy later, felt nice. I don't really want to stay so disconnected where routines become too second nature that I don't think about it. one of my big issues is this disconnection I keep having to myself and to life, where I'm just in my brain and overthinking, instead of living.

2. talking to Peach ALWAYS motivates me with healing and with being an artist.
she has this energy that rubs off onto me! like, I feel motivated to just exist better. live better. she's like, summer personified. she's healing from her own trauma and so am I, and whenever we talk about things we're going through, I seem to always feel better and more inclined to work harder.

3. realized this when M was cleaning my room for me on sunday. I need to do things one at a time. I think that's what I can manage for now, because when I take on multiple things, I get too spread thin. there was something I read when I realized I was having consistency issues. something like...

You do a better job when you tackle one thing at a time, as opposed to splitting your attention (and efforts) to multiple tasks.

That makes sense. And when I have to do multiple things I end up procrastinating everything and it doesn't help. I know there are some things I can't do this year like return to finish school, so my focus need to go towards things that I can change or deal with now. where all my efforts can go. I'll figure that out soon. I need to prioritize.

4. remember to do the things that make me feel good.
not the things that are just... so so. neutral. blah. whatever. binging shows is not really good. I decided to stop yesterday. it's not really helpful. even if it did give me lots of feelings about what I deserve. just sitting and zoning out doesn't help me at all. so I'm done with that. painting makes me feel good. remembering to make myself meals makes me feel good (and talking to Little Tea while cooking too). good weather.. resting when I feel like I shouldn't. remembering little things to look forward to.

5. writing makes it real.
i sort of realized this a while ago, but thought of it again yesterday. if I don't write things down... or even talk to myself about things, then it doesn't feel real. like I'm not a part of it. I think... I don't know yet about dissociation. it still confuses me and I still feel like I'm in this place where that can't be something I experience. that I'd only want a professional to say I do or don't. but I won't deny this feeling of just not being a part of life. floating again. but writing down things connects me a bit. at least in looking back. "Yes I was there. Here's what happened. Here's what I felt. How my friend looked. A strange thing I noticed." that's something. i think meditation will help me with present stuff. but writing has always been good for me. I just need to tailor it a bit more to expression of feelings rather than a performance of feelings to others.

I think I'm gonna be OK. Maybe I'm out, maybe not. But today, at least right now it feels like I'm seeing the light shining above the hole I've been in.


just a random note to self, I remembered this morning I daydreamed about telling my friends I told F I was going to move out. "I didn't say I wanted to or that I was thinking about it. I just said I was going to move out" and visualized a short block of time where F was saying or yelling things to me, and imagined myself tuning out, almost disappearing. that's something. I've been thinking about it a lot. M has a new job and bro is taking driving lessons from F so everyone's... doing something. better for their future. thinking hard about themselves. in my own way I'm happy for them. that's good for them. despite everything, they ought to. but i ought to as well. when i get there.

sanmagic7

i totally related to when you said you were done with the bingeing.  i've found myself doing (or not doing) things over the years that seemed like what i wanted to do at the time, then suddenly, no more.  it was like a switch clicked, what i was involved in became non-relevant almost in an instant.  and i stopped, and found extra energy to continue with what was more beneficial to me.

i think it relates to what d.r. said about us always changing, even our thoughts and emotions, that we're really not the same from day to day, possibly even from moment to moment.   i've done this so many times on so many levels over the past 20 years - and it was just as you mentioned, almost being stuck in a loop of some kind that would evaporate without even necessarily knowing why.

keep going, tea.  moving - as long as we move in our minds, stay open to the changes, i do believe we'll be ok.  big warm hug, tea.

tea-the-artist

I seem to come back here when I feel like I've got no other option. it's not a bad thing.. though it feels like I went off on my own to Be Better and came back with my tail between my legs :( like i'm embarrassed I didn't make any progress.

things I noticed/realized/remembered:


1. i forget EVERYTHING. :fallingbricks:
I forget to do things like self care. and I forget that self care is really important. I've been talking to bro about making sure he eats and does something different if he's seeing that something isn't good, when I myself have skipped multiple meals last week, ate two bags of candy that I intended to give my Pansy and MG for doing everything for me in the apartment, and being patient that I haven't moved, didn't brush my teeth pretty much at all last week save for one or two days. neglected my chores... neglected myself..

2. oh yes, I neglected my health!
despite going to the doc a couple weeks ago after some bad stomach issues (BECAUSE I was still neglecting my  health and overeating!!!!! UGH!!)

3. ignored my friends :'(
when them ignoring me is one of my biggest fears/insecurities

4. i may... probably possibly be depressed.
I feel like that's a given... but I am also combating myself on whether or not i'm actually just lazy. considering I went back to my netflix binge. since my last entry I finished 3 shows. then went to youtube bingeing to my "pick em up" playlist that did nothing for me but detach me from my problems and keep me uplifted only while I was bingeing. great.
is that laziness or a quiet depression. i can't even bring myself to care sometimes. a lot of the time.

5. i am easily.. very easily distracted. motivated on the littlest of things, but cannot follow through properly.
I bought a gardening tin box the other day and decided to make little cards of notes on the caring and keeping of the house plants I have. spent hours on that friday and saturday. or thursday and friday (see point #1).
but I couldn't seem to bring myself to do helpful productive work. i even made a list on saturday. to clean my room and work. i made bullet points on the HOWs so it'd be specific as possible. but I cleaned my room and my desks and went to go binge. and yesterday I played video games after tax work. I tried meditation apps, but I just.. forget to pick them back up after a day or two.

6. seems.. maybe maybe a little. that i'm just not fully here.
this is hard to talk about. even think. like... I've thought of this many times and wonder if I'm fake for feeling it. a couple weeks ago I came up with a way to describe it. at least I can write it in words.

it's like. there are two spider webs. NO SPIDERS! just their webs. meant to represent connections. One web represents my connection to things. Friends. FOO. People I see daily. My house. The apartment. The things I create, how I make a mark on the world. In the center of that web, in the empty space I can picture myself. but I'm not resting on the web, I'm just floating in that empty space, slowly spinning usually. I'm not touching the web at all.

Outside of that entire web is yet another much bigger web. Representing the world. Culture (my heritage). People I don't know. The earth itself. Perhaps the universe. This web isn't connected to the one that's inside of it.

I feel like that's the only way to describe how I feel about my existing in the world and in my personal world. Like I've got nothing to do with any of it. I'm not connected. I don't feel strong connections. I don't notice them. It isn't a floating feeling that I would ascribe to dissociation. but at the same time, what is it that's connecting me to my surroundings? to me typing on this keyboard? to the students in this room. to the chair i'm sitting on. the scarf on my head. the water I'm drinking or the printer's noise outside the room. the snow falling. is noticing these things enough for me to be aware? present?


I've also been dreading not having a T. it's still like I want someone to figure me out so I can understand myself better, and know what I can do. i feel like a jumble of thoughts, constantly questioning if I should be thinking like this, in conversations with myself. or thinking in feelings or sounds. or if I should really be thinking along with my breathing. it feels that way sometimes when I pay attention.

Nothing really seems to be working. It's like I'm detaching myself from everything. I haven't painted in over a month. I can't rely on alarms because I DON'T THINK I CARE enough to remember to do things.

When I post here and say confidently that I am inspired to do better, it ends up being so fake. like I'm only doing or saying things for the sake of others. to inspire others or to impress others or entertain others. again, so detached from myself that I can't even be concerned with the impression i make on myself.

I think in all the last month I've lost little tea :( hadn't given her a single thought except the other day. cried myself to sleep a couple days last week because I felt like everyone was leaving me behind. Peach is following through on her plan for commissions and her art shop, and I have not. not beating myself up about the lack of progress is so hard, because it's a quiet thing. it's not even in the blatant words "you're not excelling" or "you're not good enough." it's feelings. that sound like those words but it's a feeling. like the feelings I got when F told me I couldn't be an artist because I had to be "good." the feeling I got when bro blew up at me for saying I was planning on moving out last july.

I used to be proud of being a rebel and not listening. I thought about how proud I was of myself, because not listening got me where I am. as skilled as I am as an artist. but now I'm shaking with my tail between my legs and I lost all of the little confidence I had. I don't want to do anything anymore but sleep unbothered for a century and wake up refreshed. but I don't know how to wake up refreshed anymore.


some good things in all this bad stuff:

1. i put away my 3DS and tablet
out of sight out of mind works for me. most of the time. at least i'll be too lazy to retrieve them so i won't play games or binge netflix or youtube.

2. a book on green magic has been slowly lifting me and motivating me to be maybe invested in myself. it's not longlasting though. but at least i'm reading

3. I learned a lot about plants. and wrote the information down.
at least when i'm better I'll be able to use it more efficiently than now (as a distraction)

i think that's it. i just really wish I could speak to a T and maybe unpack the detachment stuff a little better.

tea-the-artist

shouldn't write this at work in front of students but i just got so frustrated.

cptsd is so * frustrating!! the littlest things become so * difficult it's so agitating! i can't even pick up my flipping driver's manual and read it so i can at least go get my permit! something I should have gotten last october! or january like i originally planned! or end of february! march!!

i hate my * father for doing this to me. he could have gone his entire life not abusing me. he could have been there for me, enforced the supposed fact that he loves me and cares about me and the person that I was and was going to grow up to be but he DIDN'T. at all. and now he's sucking me in constantly with stupid smalltalk in the car ride to work. like i give a whole crap about the weather or the fact that he's tired from doing taxes till 2am! like i care about his customers who he seems to know more about than me! that's cool! whatever

and my MOM who enables him! can't stand up to him. and never will. not for my sake or bro's sake or her own sake! i don't know what happened but i can't fix it. i can't control her and i can't ask her to do anything. i know she won't do anything because even after spending a week of overtime lunchbreaks in her office crying my * EYES out about my abuse! about having complex trauma, she didn't do ANYTHING!!! EVERYTHING'S BACK TO * NORMAL and it's a really HORRIBLE NORMAL. thanks for that! and i'm supposed to genuinely in my fake * detached as * heart am supposed to believe she loves me. how? what has changed?! how am i supposed to believe either of them love me! when i had to say right in front of them that dad's not abusive!! that i just jump to conclusions and assume things! thank you!! my great and wonderful parents.

i don't even know where to begin with my brother. rotten one day and a funboy the next day. i can't even say whether he loves me either.  constantly explicitly and implicitly telling me i don't matter. that my feelings to mean * to him. i can't say that he used me and my kindness but i feel like i am just a box of that to him. a box of kindness and compassion and understanding that he can go to and take from but not give back. all the times i've felt worthless, TOLD HIM i felt worthless because of what he's said or how he's treated me. no change! thank you for being the great older brother that you are! thank you for everything. for repeating your trauma from dad onto me! thanks for that! thanks for the guilt (you too mom and dad!)

i can't even live my freaking life at all because of trauma. all the layers of abuse and i guess secondary abuse! secondhand?  who cares. everything they've done and said to me. the way they ALLOWED me to feel the horrible things i feel. the fact that i can't even pull myself of the usually longlasting slump that i've been in since my birthday passed. since before that actually. what the * kind of family lets their kid's birthday be sad and miserable. my family is such * but it's such a confusing * because most of the time these days there isn't fighting and yelling. no blatant abuse. so i have to feel guilty for hating them so much, for ruining my life that i can't even fix by myself because i'm not equipped for it! who the * would be equipped?!! after living this life!?

why the * do we have to suffer? i'm so freaking tired of this. i'm so tired of being here and i'm tired of going in this circle of motivation demotivation that i can't get out of unless i fake myself out of it. even then that doesn't even WORK for me! i can't even FAKE right and faking is the only thing i've really been good at it seems.

honestly i hate this * job so much i wish they'd just fire me i hope they're watching as i'm writing this and just drag me out this building. every student here makes me so angry as if them forgetting their * is my fault! wasting my time! this job doesn't pay me enough and they should just fire me so my other two coworkers who probably couldn't give two shits about the rules can deal with them. im tired of this place. 3 years and i've gained nothing.

tea-the-artist

an hour later, i'm feeling better. listened to the Wonderful! podcast during lunch (and ate my lunch and read) and felt better almost immediately. the podcast is one of my self care things, just listening to this couple talk about all the little wonderful things that makes their lives wonderful. kind of reminded me to appreciate the small things.

maybe like the fact that i knew i was seething by the time i got to lunch break and had this urge to not eat. but i ate regardless.

the mindset of "doing it anyway" seems to work sometimes. especially if it's a productive thing like making sure i eat. still can't shake the feeling of this being fake and not lasting long enough to get me back in the habit of things. a better habit.

tea-the-artist

notes (if i can remember to update as the day passes that'd be great):

1. Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life
seem to forget this every now and then, during good times and bad. realized this can help explain why i go into daydream modes where i'm just visualizing my friends doing/saying awful things to me, just continuously being on the receiving end of pain.

2. Some emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves.

3. need to go back to a "i know i deserve better" and work on that. i'm getting complacent just because things aren't violent or otherwise stressful

also realized. yesterday after taxes and seeing how much i owe, i went upstairs to cry (over the reality that the money to help me move out was going to be depleted and that i couldn't ever move out. i could have done with some self-soothing and reassuring that that wouldn't be the case and that jumping to drasticizing so quickly was unhelpful). F called me down and said they'd both help me pay half of it and that i'd pay the rest.

what i should realize immediately is that that ISN'T love... it's a weird thing to "realize" and i feel a bit awful to even "go there" but it isn't a sign of love. especially the love i wish i could have. and this help doesn't erase what's happened. if anything it can be used against me later as "proof of ungratefulness." i think i'm a little too detached to appreciate the gesture of my parents helping me. (i'm a little too detached for a lot of things).

Hope67

Hi Tea-the-artist,
I hope you don't mind my entry in your Journal today - but I just wanted to say that I read some of your writings yesterday, and I felt humbled by your ability to express your feelings, and I wished that I could do so in the way I saw you doing.  Reading what you wrote, helped me though.

I just wanted to say that, and I think your notes that you wrote are so insightful.

Hope  :)

tea-the-artist

thanks a bunch hope :) I never mind comments in my journal since I visualize them as post-it notes in my physical journal.

I realize rereading what I wrote I haven't been angry like that in a while. really in a long time. and I also realized that I might confused anger for sadness sometimes. when my brother is hurtful to me, it feels like I'm angry, but I'm really sad over the mistreatment. sad and feeling unloved, instead of angry at his actions (and angrily and compassionately self-preserving).  this reminds me to look more into angering.

I think... maybe my frustration with complex trauma, the fact that I don't need to have these layers of trauma, is something real. genuine that I can look at. that's how I feel now at least.

that frustration is the realest thing I've felt while recovering and peeling off these layers. like I know "why" I do these things and feel certain ways. but also, "why do I have to!?" it's annoying to say the least (and most genuine). because I have things to do and these layers of trauma are getting in my way!!

tea-the-artist

#38
today's notes (to be continuously updated):

1. coworker got me hyped for gardening again.
i don't want to think about whether or not it's fake or not going to last. right now i'm excited to go home and learn!

i'm scared though. i realized i haven't planted with M because... gardening is a long term thing. which means... if I start, i will stay home. i won't be able to bring myself to leave "because i've already begun gardening with M. so why would I leave?"

possible response: M is a grown up and can handle (should?) her own feelings about me leaving. even if I already started gardening with her.
--edit: i mean.. the other reality is that i'm not OBLIGATED to garden with M. last summer she said "who am i gonna do girl talk/things with when you leave?" it just.. sounds like quiet guilting and that isn't fair to me. especially when she knows my position and my desperation to leave!
--
I thought about the possibility of visiting after moving. checking up on the garden. staying a weekend to help out. but that's... too easy. or hard. not a good idea for someone who needs to recover. needs the distance. (the other day I told her I needed a vacation. what i meant was "I need a vacation away from this family.")
--edit: also I realize gardening is one of the ways we bond. didn't think about that before. but still. it doesn't change what's happened, what she's said, etc.
--
haven't talked to MG or Pansy about much gardening with them. it is a healing thing for me it seems. taking care of fragile flowers (and even the sturdy ones like Morning Glories. i love them!). it might be nice to bring up. or put in my physical journal what i'd like to grow. make a map of the apartment layout and determine what will thrive where).


2. investigate angering some more.
F paid for both my tax money orders. $170 I get to save. told M last night it was like he's trying to buy my soul. she asked what that was supposed to mean but I didn't answer. but I know he's going to hold it over me. one day. maybe not today. but one day, when I "catch an attitude" he's going to say "THIS is how you talk to me? after I spent my own money for your tax returns?! you are ungrateful." blah blah :blahblahblah: whatever... still need to remember that paying for my tax returns DOES NOT EQUATE TO LOVE!!
--edit: somethin to think about. i was struggling with this thought earlier. considering M also told me F didn't want me to have to pay the whole amount (even tho we agreed to both pay for one money order each). it got me feeling "huh. maybe i'm really awful for this ungratefulness actually." i know it doesn't equate love. i guess if the ungratefulness or "attitude catching" arises, it wouldn't be because i'm ungrateful, but because part of me seriously knows i deserve to be respected, treated well. likely any attitude i catch is a fight response trying to awaken.
--
it is sad to say I'm unsure what genuine love really is. other than what I feel for bro. a compassion that stems from acknowledging that he doesn't deserve pain, and that I am able to brighten things for him. try as I might, I also seem to get it twisted that those efforts will be reciprocated back to me. nope. :thumbdown: GOTTA REALIZE THAT!!

it just doesn't work that way it seems. like... thinking that my attempted examples of compassion and kindness and sister-mom role for him will change him to adopt those things. it's weird. to think that it just doesn't work like that. it actually really sucks. really * sucks. like... me being nice. caring. understanding. patient. how weird is that?

really. how weird. why did i think this? I really thought oh maybe I could parent him. fill the role of M and F for him. he will learn to do better, treat himself (and me) better. will learn patience and understanding. will learn his own self care because he sees me caring for him. or trying. but that's not how it works.

i mean. if that WAS how it worked, wouldn't narcs change? couldn't literally anybody change?
couldn't I change? my friends have decided that they want to share their home with me. genuinely want me to be there (always telling me "when you move in, we're gonna bake so much!" or "i bet we're just gonna be texting each other weird pics and memes when you move in. even if we're all in the living room together"). but, clearly, that love and kindness (AND PATIENCE!!) isn't really going onto me. i'm not really learning from their actions.

it's like. my layers of trauma... they're reflecting those compassionate actions OFF of me. but not reflecting in a bounce back kind of way. just reflecting off and fading away. OH!!

I see. I think. the fading away. that's why validation doesn't help. why it doesn't last forever. it's like it vibrates around me, vibrating on the layers of trauma, and then floats away. it doesn't stay with me. am i understanding this? this is how i visualize it.

(those vibrations! it's like... the validation (or even other forms of compassion), my layers of trauma are a little weakened. just a little. enough for me to want to feel that goodness. to believe i deserve it. that's why i feel it for a bit. why it feels good to know i'm doing a good job at something. it's like a deep deep want for it to be true. for it to FINALLY apply to me. that's the vibrations. but they bounce off and fade away)

but all the actions of others that reminds me of trauma, they get absorbed. into the layer of trauma that resembles that action. emotional abuse. neglect. abandonment. and because it's ABSORBED, it gets REINFORCED! oh that makes sense.

so... in terms of bro... my actions of compassion. they aren't really breaking down any of his layers of trauma. if anything, my actions are REINFORCING THINGS FOR HIM!!! not that... i don't think... not that I'm being traumatic to him. but I am doing the same things I did when I was 8. same actions. not really the same person. but. I basically am, to him.

it's like... it's really like we both have not changed. i know i've learned a lot. but really, our actions are just the same as they were a decade ago. maybe even two decades ago (for me).

this is interesting i guess. more so ... maybe groundbreaking? i'm close, not there, but i'm seeing that what I'm doing "for him" is actually reinforcing so many things. he gets to act the same and treat me the same. because i still let him. which isn't inherently my fault. something learned so early. but still needs to be unlearned. reprogrammed into different behavior and actions. it is like we're both as a unit living through our younger days, through the trauma. we're in the same roles. we really aren't changing. even though we've learned many things and many skills over the years (relating and not relating to trauma). so even when he does get his driver's license this year, what will have changed to help him grow?

and even if i do move out this year, what will have changed? well.. for starters it's that I found a way to move out. confidence or an impulsive desire for self-protection (an impulse of the fight response that has remained dormant all my life). regardless of how, I think that's still something. but still. i have to remember to not go back to old roles. not with my friends, not with any intimate people and not with any others. gotta remember that.

i think the better question is, if i too get my license, what has changed? the fact that i will be able to drive. not necessarily independence. moving is something so much different. definitely i think an independence. a better freedom. even though they say trauma tends to follow. it will be different. i think... in a way, i hope i will be able to differentiate other people from my family. be able to manage EFs better.


so those roles. with bro. and M and F. it's gotta go. every last bit of it has to go. even the compassion. it's gotta be a different, completely remade. not updated. maybe. i don't think using any of the old methods, habits, etc will be helpful. perhaps i can look at it as a continuous updating that eventually will contain none of the past aspects. starting new may be tricky.

but it's still gotta go. that mindset is helpful. if it's not working, gotta get rid of it somehow. if it means fixing it into something completely new then good.

but i see.. i'm not really helping bro. as. frustrating as he is.

Pansy was right. it's possible that after moving he may see me do that and be moved to do something as well. i can't keep this role up. it's futile.

my sister-mom role is absolutely futile. so many "chances" did not prove to become anything. my attempts to change him weren't any good. and will not be any good. my compassion isn't going to be reciprocated. instead i'm reinforcing his behavior. letting him stay the same, back to our days of constant trauma. that's not really fair to either of us.

that really sucks still. it's a hard truth. i'm not going to get love by doing what i'm doing. love should already be there. and i can't see it and that sucks too. but i gotta move forward.

tea-the-artist

repeating some things so i don't forget.

i'm still playing the role of sister-mom. the role i picked up when i was 8. i'm still reinforcing bro's behaviors, and unfortunately bad treatment towards me. nothing i do, no amount of compassion and care i give to him, will change this. nor will it change him and his behaviors. i tried to replace M and F. to somehow adopt the traits of a potentially good parent, and give love and care to bro.

but that's now how it works. it's never going to really work. i should note to self that even the thanks i was given on his 28th birthday two years ago is not proof that it could work. or that i should have kept up my role.

i don't think there's anything wrong with giving him compassion, but truthfully.

honestly, i think that compassion should have been directed to myself first. if i was so determined to be an example, then loving myself and caring for myself and not letting others hurt and walk over me would have been the way to go. should have. that would have been a better way for him to see me as an example.

i could do that now, but for my own sake. he still has to find his own way without me holding his hand. i think that's ok. its gonna hurt, and it's gonna feel like abandonment. but the reality is that it's not. it's important for me to note this. me going away to heal, peel away layers of trauma and abuse, and love myself isn't abandoning him. and that's hurtful to himself for him to think that. and hurtful to me to think as well as i spent so much of my life feeling guilt.

so this sister-mom role has to go. it's not abandoning him. it's recreating what my compassion for others is, in a healthier way.

it's going to be weird trying to implement this. because it needs to happen now. i'm not sure where to start. or stop.

tea-the-artist

F just came storming out their room. it's kind of terrifying. I haven't heard him this angry in a while

I wonder if this is a child thing. he was yelling on the phone at whom I assume to be people to do with bills and I got this feeling that I'd done something. I had started paying the balance at my first college just to whittle it down monthly. but I got the feeling that doing that was causing my parents problems with bills. or them paying my loan.

I don't even know how that'd work or make sense but I just felt like my trying to take initiative was going to ruin things like I always do.

that's not a helpful thought. neither is assuming I did something wrong or that the yelling was anything to do with me.

I just feel really small. I didn't tell F I started paying the balance. that's another strike against me.

I closed my door trying to tell myself it was nothing to do with me. I could sense I was feeling a quiet scaredness. like maybe it was Little Tea, like maybe I could protect her by closing the door. but F stomping shook me a bit. it really felt like he was coming after me :'(

but I know he didn't and I know he isn't. it's got to do with their bills is what I assume for now. the uncertainty really hurts and is scary because what if I'm wrong and it has to do with loans and the current balance due changing because I paid something last month?

I don't want to keep listening to verify. but I'm listening now. none of the numbers sound familiar. I know this isn't helpful but I can't help listening to make sure it wasn't my fault.

I've done this for years. never realized it until just now. I'm gonna try to stop listening and do some self care if I can.

Blueberry

Dear tea,

In this post about your F storming around and you feeling small - it sounds as if you've gone into EF mode. (M or B1 storming around does that to me too). I hope you manage some self-care because that can be a good way out. You have examples of self-care (Little Tea care) in your signature  :) but maybe something else would be useful idk.

Both in this post and the ones above, there are a lot of realisations.  :cheer: That's all progress!

I don't live with FOO anymore but I get some financial help that i'm trying to move off or at least reduce, but that's fraught with problems atm.  I have impulses to do things and then pull back. I think of that when I read your longer post, like about the gardening or moving in with your friends sometime.

But you are moving forward! I see that. That's the main thing. Even if we shilly-shally around somewhere for a bit and go into reverse.  :hug: :hug:

tea-the-artist

Quote from: Blueberry on April 18, 2018, 12:54:49 PM
it sounds as if you've gone into EF mode. (M or B1 storming around does that to me too). I hope you manage some self-care because that can be a good way out. You have examples of self-care (Little Tea care) in your signature  :) but maybe something else would be useful idk.

you're very right blueberry. i could tell it was an EF. did make myself some oatmeal (i realized recently that this is a comfort food) and listened to Wonderful!. I was so afraid of leaving my room but i was able to, constantly telling myself "this is my house too! i live here too! i should be able to walk around freely! i'm not a prisoner *stomps a little downstairs to grab the milk*"

And it turned out of course it had nothing to do with me. completely unrelated bills for non-house/loan things.  :thumbup: today F acted like "normal" but for the most part I ignored him, still mad that he terrified Little Tea yesterday.

thank you for seeing my progress blueberry! it really made me sit and think a little harder about seeing it myself too.




just a thought. i can't figure how to write this. or... i think if i were to think about myself in 2016 again. just before i saw "CPTSD" in a friend's post, and even further back to 2014 before I saw the "signs you may be hypervigilant," and seeing that awful and violent video that kickstarted my attention to learning social justice. even further to 2012 before reading "the 4 letter word" essay that prompted me to jump into feminism.

i think.. if none of those things came across my view I'd be in a very bad place. I often don't realize the power of having words for the pain. pain I felt myself and pain I saw others in. with out those things, I wouldn't be able to explain or even recognize that F is hurtful to me.

especially considering in my teen journals I had so much self-blame and self-belittling. thinking I just needed to talk quieter  so I wouldn't get in trouble.

without those words, feminism and social justice, I wouldn't be able to recognize my internalized misogyny and racism that developed quickly in high school and it wouldn't have tapered off in college. I would blame my own people for their suffering. I'd even blame myself for anything that'd happen.

without those words, without a character in a cartoon to even RESEMBLE it, I wouldn't recognize my past and current sufferings as trauma. Caused by abuse. I'm still forever thankful for this character, he has a special place in my heart. I wouldn't know anything about complex trauma, how it differs from ptsd. and I wouldn't have found my way here, just a few months after seeing this character strive to be the best he could be while he recognized his trauma. I think about him a lot.

and now I think about the kind of person I'd be today. I hate to say it but perhaps I'd be a zombie. even though I'm still dealing with auto-pilot, I can't say i'm a zombie now. even the coasting. at least i'm aware of what's going on. parts of me are still fighting to get through and change things. Tea at 25, without all the knowledge I've gained, who are they? certainly not convinced by "corny" self care. absolutely catering to bro's every whim. unaware. still self-blaming. self-guilting and falling for the guilt placed on them by their family. that's Tea at 25 with none of this knowledge.

so realistically. logically. I know things are so different. i know a lot hasn't changed. I'd like to get back up on my feet now, and try again.  but there's still a small small but strong part within me that is too scared to do this. i hate thinking i'm lazy, but also hate thinking i may be depressed (without having any diagnosis... though swiftly self diagnosed cptsd).

i just have to get through this. it feels like the last leg, somehow. like. this is the year. maybe. hopefully. i want to be gentle but i also want to just pick myself up and do a 27 mile dash to the apartment without thinking of the consequences. without thinking of the guilt and whatever pain FOO will feel. just doing that dang thing and dealing with it when i get there. well thought out plans... never worked for me. somehow i end up self-sabotaging my way out. i'm spontaneous but i hate surprises thrust upon me. not sure how that makes sense... but that's where i'm at.


other things/notes:

1. meditating!
it's going... 3 days in a row so far with this app. it's an interesting practice that's helping me remember to let my thoughts go and just observe them. not chase them. I realize that's why I always feel like a jumbled mess of thoughts. i'm always chasing them. i'm learning to focus on body, scanning it for points of contact, comfort and discomfort. similar to the Interactive Self Care Guide. It's encouraging me to keep practice, that it's not about getting rid of thoughts. To "gently bring the mind back" to my focus. Which in my mind sounds like a "nooo" that you'd give a pet trying to do something it shouldn't.

2. spring is not here :( not yet..
i really am a plant. feeling like the weather controls me. I can't make my own sunshine all the time. so I am sad to see more forecasts for snow. even if it rained I would be so much happier. because i'd think about all the grass and perennial flowers and plants getting a nice watering so they are encouraged to come back and thrive again.

I did just get this idea. to look at things that make me feel surrounded by spring. i've been doing my own personal gardening in my room, brought in some new plants and have propagated some too. maybe more flower gazing will help. at least i'm still adding to my knowledge of botanical science too.

3. REMINDER: sister-mom role still has to go. can't keep catering to bro. much of my actions are enabling the bad relationship that developed since childhood and that's not healthy!
the fantasy that my actions will help bro be nicer and compassionate towards me eventually is not healthy. and it is false. and most importantly that is NOT HOW IT WORKS! i know this is the same for F, and I have long since stopped trying to be his Good Girl.. the Golden Child that never actually receives the adequate love required to thrive (as the other traumatized child seems to not realize or understand!... in my case at least!).

he doesn't care about my interests. despite me spending lots and lots of time interested in his interests, and caring about seeing him grow and thrive and be the best creator he can be. ha, maybe i ought to ask him "hey why don't you care?!" that might shock him a bit :P

so I have to be more invested in my own interests. somehow I have to create my own sunshine, even though it's hard right now. i'm giving him so much of my energy and sunshine and not using any of it for myself!! HOW AWFUL! a re-realization! :( i hate that! he can't even reciprocate so I am left basically depleted. a sad fact in the life of a sister-mom.


so...

create my own sunshine. bring spring to myself while Mother Earth's northern hemisphere takes its time in returning to warmth.

some ways to do this:

A. spend time with myself... helpfully.
doesn't mean come home, close door and space out to a podcast or lie down and sleep.
it means come home or wake up, pay attention to myself. see myself. just a check up. how am I doing? bad? how could it be better without zoning out?

be invested in myself. perhaps even the same way I am with bro. that means:
- looking at things that inspire me
- have a laugh with myself (not immediately go show brow, only to be saddened that he couldn't give two *)

B. spring is a time of renewal, so do things that make me feel like new again
- waking up at 7 or 8AM, showering and starting the day! it always works
- do my proper Spring cleaning! finish it! do it for Little Tea because she lives in my space too!
- plant new seeds. plant my morning glories. if I end up moving out, what in the world is stopping me from bringing them with me!? it is an excuse to say I can't just because they have grown 4 feet! i can do whatever I want and that includes carrying a 4 foot morning glory to the car on move out day. WHATEVER!
- look into renewing the energy in my room. this green magic book has me inspired to clean the energy. at least try, and believe that i'm sweeping the old gunk away.


just one thing at a time. but writing this was motivating. gotta keep working. i'm moving forward. so I have to acknowledge that and keep on moving.

tea-the-artist

#43
Quote from: tea-the-artist on March 20, 2018, 03:22:00 PM
just a random note to self, I remembered this morning I daydreamed about telling my friends I told F I was going to move out. "I didn't say I wanted to or that I was thinking about it. I just said I was going to move out" and visualized a short block of time where F was saying or yelling things to me, and imagined myself tuning out, almost disappearing. that's something. I've been thinking about it a lot. M has a new job and bro is taking driving lessons from F so everyone's... doing something. better for their future. thinking hard about themselves. in my own way I'm happy for them. that's good for them. despite everything, they ought to. but i ought to as well. when i get there.

remember this!
--
other notes:

1. self parenting means replacing the parent(s)' role in caring for me.
in most cases for non-traumatized people, it'd mean doing what your parents did to make sure you were healthy and happy and thriving. pushing yourself. doing the necessary. etc.

in this case of trauma, it means rejecting what my parents did. and acknowledging that the bare minimum of parenting wasn't enough.
- it means reminding myself i am loved, by me, my own parent.
- taking the place of my parents and doing what they should have done. pushing me to excel healthily and knowing my limits (and validating those limits).
- being there for myself in both my highs and lows. encouraging and harvesting a "space" to get back on my feet and try again. try again differently.
- reassuring that failing doesn't mean i'm the worst and most horrible person in the world.
- self-conversations in discipline. if I said i'd do X and i didn't do X, I need to have a conversation about why. get to the root of it, instead of solely acknowledging the fact that I didn't do the thing. come up with solutions

Blueberry

Quote from: tea-the-artist on April 18, 2018, 04:38:25 PM
1. self parenting means replacing the parent(s)' role in caring for me.
in most cases for non-traumatized people, it'd mean doing what your parents did to make sure you were healthy and happy and thriving. pushing yourself. doing the necessary. etc.

in this case of trauma, it means rejecting what my parents did. and acknowledging that the bare minimum of parenting wasn't enough.
- it means reminding myself i am loved, by me, my own parent.
- taking the place of my parents and doing what they should have done. pushing me to excel healthily and knowing my limits (and validating those limits).
- being there for myself in both my highs and lows. encouraging and harvesting a "space" to get back on my feet and try again. try again differently.
- reassuring that failing doesn't mean i'm the worst and most horrible person in the world.
- self-conversations in discipline. if I said i'd do X and i didn't do X, I need to have a conversation about why. get to the root of it, instead of solely acknowledging the fact that I didn't do the thing. come up with solutions

I could sure take a leaf out of your book here, tea! Great ideas.