Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2

[DecimalRocket]

Hi tea, I've been reading your posts. I was just a little too tired to say something before, but I'm stronger now.   

That's some wonderful self care there, Tea.  I've tried meditation too, and to me the best thing is the simplicity of it. How much it creates large results just by very simple instructions done over and over. It's lovely. It's a great thing to find a hobby in gardening. I'm not much of an outside person (I hope I can be though. Can't seem to get the point of it and the Healing Porch makes no sense to me.  ), but I see how people here have found calmness through nature. I hope I can learn much about that love through hearing from you, Tea.

I also relate to how you said that putting things into words really helps recovery. I remember in the novel 1984, the oppressive government tried to take away others' freethinking by banning words from the dictionary, and creating a much more simplified language. It was ideas that helped them to realize the dangers the world has shown them, and they took it away. I hope you can gain the freedom of words from your parents though, Tea.

[tea-the-artist]

haha blueberry feel free tbh thankya!

DR! glad you're reading! you don't have to feel obligated to respond (whether your tired or feeling up to it). I hope you're doin well

That's some wonderful self care there, Tea.  I've tried meditation too, and to me the best thing is the simplicity of it. How much it creates large results just by very simple instructions done over and over. It's lovely.

I agree! I think this simplicity may be why I've been able to stick with it, instead of overwhelming myself with elaborate details to get tangled in. And the repeated instructions every day (using Headspace right now) really helps my "rebel-never-listenin'-self" to remember what to do when I'm not meditating and just going about my every day life. Bringing attention back to my focus when the swarm of unrelated thoughts makes itself known.

It's a great thing to find a hobby in gardening. I'm not much of an outside person (I hope I can be though. Can't seem to get the point of it [gardening] and the Healing Porch makes no sense to me.  ), but I see how people here have found calmness through nature. I hope I can learn much about that love through hearing from you, Tea.

hey no worries! for me gardening never made sense to me much when I was younger. didn't start till 2014 and it gave me an idea for a art story I wanted to tell (long story short, about portraying people like myself as having the ability to be "soft" and "having emotions other than anger" or whatever stigmas and stereotypes there are. I wanted to combat all that and gardening helped me find that. and I started gaining an appreciation in all the types of flowers and just feeling so at ease looking at them and RESEARCHING them lol.

of course this is just one perspective, just mine, and that gardening and outdoor life is different for everyone. I don't really like the outdoors much since it gets badly humid here in the summer, but I still seem drawn to it every year (I think this is why I've come back to researching the green path again).

personally, I haven't gotten a chance to stick around the Healing Porch yet. I was able to visualize for a bit once but I think my brain wasn't having it that day. And I do a lot of daydreaming on my own so maybe it feels unnecessary for me now. but I do like that it's not an obligation for us, so I try not to feel to bad that I decided not to stick it through. but DR we find calmness in many sorts of things. One of the ways I actually "found" calmness in nature was playing this game (Twilight Princess) and being so in love with the nature in it. it's one of the reasons I love Spring so much and why it's a game I like to play every time the warmth of Spring finally comes around it's comforting, but again just one perspective! you will find yours too, whether in nature or something else you find calming. 

being there for myself in both my highs and lows. encouraging and harvesting a "space" to get back on my feet and try again. try again differently.

I think that's the theme for this past two weeks.

yesterday I did a great deal of Spring cleaning. thoroughly cleaned everything in my room but didn't get to my bed due to grocery shopping. bro dragged me in and threw me back out REPEATEDLY while we shopped. I was so aggravated. I could see the little boy tugging my jacket asking for forgiveness without addressing what he did. I could see it and that made me so mad.

ANYWAY. getting home I got angry again getting a barrage of texts from my long time best friend. Tuesday was her birthday and today I'm seeing her. I should be happy but I didn't plan. I wish I texted her earlier so I knew what day she'd be back home. her texts got me frustrated a bit, the usual "you better text me back!" within a minute of the previous text. and a "...." a minute later after that. I had so much to do in putting groceries away and finish the dishes. It would have been better to text her to let her know I was in the middle of something.

instead I did my awful thing of lying... I don't want to address it now. Or today. there's a thread for that I saw the other day that might help me get started in organizing thoughts.

we eventually chatted and it was fine. I badly wanted to tell her that when she texts me and doesn't get a response within a minute and texts me that I need to respond, it really stresses me out. I guess I can't say anything since I am not great at responding to her sometimes. I usually am. I don't think she believes that, so I'll try harder. I hate that I get tense when she texts me. Regardless I love her and am happy to see her and go shopping today.


meditating was AWFUL! head wasn't right. felt very heavy. couldn't focus very well. kept thinking about needing to take the arm rests off of it. and that I could only hear out of my one earbud. but that's just today. I think I'll be fine. that's just the thing, harvesting a space where I can get back up. Tomorrow will be day 8 and I'll get back on my feet and be a little more focused.


I'm also thinking of asking my new doc if she knows anything on T's I could go to. I don't know if it's covered. I should ask M eventually. I just want to maybe start to get talking about it. Just to bring it up so if she does have any info for me, she can point me in the right direction.


Last night before bed was rough. Was in the middle of an awful daydream/drastic visualization of  venting to Pansy and MG in their apartment about an event that hasn't and likely won't happen. That a doc told me he 99% thought I should see a T. And how it hurt hearing that, even though I knew it myself. And that I told bro and he couldn't care less. And telling F and him saying "there's no reason to. it's not like your crazy or anything." I don't know why I visualized that. that one hurt the most. I "told" them, it hurt so much because it came from the person who abused me this whole time. that it felt like that time a couple summers back when I had to tell my family that F isn't abusive and that I jump to conclusions.

in the end I lied my head on the table and just cried (in reality as well of course) that I was so tired. and I am. got me thinking again that I can't really keep this up. I think grocery shopping with bro took that toll on me.

i know I can't keep doing this. but I seem to be proving myself wrong every time I think about it.  two and a half years now. but I know I've learned a lot, so there's no reason to say I haven't made any progress towards moving. gaining knowledge is still progress.

[tea-the-artist]

notes/reminders:

1. trip is postponed to tomorrow. because of my lying. that's really awful of me. i don't know how many times i feel like i have to do this to protect myself. i don't want to think of myself as an awful person. and that this is one of the more awful and unhelpful things i do to cope and self-protect (if anything it's often self-isolating). i don't want to address it now. i don't want to think about being a really awful person to the people that care about me and do most of the work to keep in touch with me. it's making me sad, like this is my true self and i don't want it to be like this. i wanted to spring clean this stuff away too, not just my physical space for me and Little Tea. and what about her? this isn't good reparenting. im feeling more like my parents when i was much much younger and I'm supposed to be rejecting that. am I trying?

[sanmagic7]

tea, if i may, it sounds like you're being so very hard on yourself.  one thing after another, boom, boom, boom.  you aren't a bad person at all.  you're doing what you need to do right now to take care of yourself the only way you know how.  eventually, as you continue learning, you'll be able to do things differently.

a t may not be a bad idea, especially to help you with that learning process.  i'd guess you were taught to lie, and, being bright and intelligent, you learned that easily and well.   so, i'd also guess that you'll be able to un-learn the things you don't want to continue.  it may take a bit of time, work, and determination, but i believe you've got all those attributes, and make use of them when you need to.

not to think about it now, but when you're ready.  we all get ready in different ways, at different times.   yours will come, of that i have no doubt.  for now, safe and warm hug to you, and love.

[Blueberry]

wanted to spring clean this stuff away too, not just my physical space for me and Little Tea. and what about her? this isn't good reparenting. im feeling more like my parents when i was much much younger and I'm supposed to be rejecting that. am I trying?

Yes, you are trying tea! You're working really hard. Tho I do understand the self-doubt because that's where I am too atm. I used to harangue myself when doing IC work, that I was treating my inner children no better than my parents treated me. But I stopped. Picturing inner children and trying to do things for them was a useful tool, but they aren't real children, they're a part of our present person. So I don't need to be a better parent than own real parents all the time.

Maybe you just need a rest for a bit. Two steps forward, one back and all that. Going back for a bit seems pretty normal in healing. I tend to go backwards when I've been expecting too much of myself too fast. Idk that that's what you're doing but it's possible.

 

[tea-the-artist]

thank you san for saying those things. it's a good reality check. i didn't realize in almost each post i was adding to the list of things that's "wrong" with me or that i couldn't accomplish "properly" etc etc etc. i even have the urge to scold myself for it, but i know better. that's how i grew up.

come to think of it i can't recall FOO ever... sitting with me and telling me things they liked about me (even as the mythical Golden Child). I think that plays a big part in why validation and praise is still again so hard to get through/break off the layers of my trauma.

and thank you too blue. it's really hard to see clearly (and to even realize i'm not seeing clearly). you are right that ICs aren't real children. i was thinking about your words earlier and my gut reaction was "but I WAS a real child!" but that child is now an adult. and the inner child isn't tangible. perhaps I took the "child" part of IC very seriously and felt like I was abandoning a child that doesn't exist but in my own self.

resting is another hard concept for me. but I will figure it out. i did get to nap in the sun today and that was refreshing and helped me rethink some things while i spent time with myself.


i would like to just type until i get tired, but i'd like to think some more on FOO's lack of concrete praise.

i think this ties in with the Guilt of FOG in that having the label as the golden child, being thought of as the lucky one (as if there is any real luck when you've got a narc F and an enabling but kind M). there comes a great deal of guilt in just FEELING like no one praised you at all (I can't remember it!). even absolutely knowing there was little to no praise, validation and such.

so it really does hurt when i think of that label. what is golden in the life of the kid who got "less" abused. i recently been feeling like i'm circling back to believing my abuse wasn't that bad. donno how i got back there. i'm seeing it though.

i'm also seeing it's just NOT true. not fair for me to believe, not fair for others to believe either. there was no doting on me because I'd certainly act like it! and for the RECORD! the good deeds i did... if I didn't do them, all love was withdrawn from me. and there would be no reinforcement of love that's supposed to be there! so no i don't flipping think there was any gold in my life! i know bro still believes there was and probably still is.

but i'm too tired to prove him otherwise. that's not really my job. to convince him i was abused too. i mean. he was there. i think if he had any real compassionate consideration for me he'd see it too. and would understand some of my actions.

so it's not my job to prove to him i wasn't the golden child he thought i got to be.
and there's no real golden child with that kind of F. looking deeply, there could never be. because even if that child did all the good deeds... was perfect at always doing those good deeds (AKA being good enough for the narc), one slip up and all that gold is taken away. and we aren't perfect people. so it is so so hard to maintain whatever gold we get. most of the time i got coal anyway because of my "smart mouth" and rare unwillingness to be talked to like trash.

repeat! it's not my job to prove i was abused to bro. or anyone for that matter! i know what i know. i remember what i can!

it was bad and i know it. i know it because of this deep sadness i feel so many times. a deep sadness over the deep emptiness, that something's missing. it was bad and i know it and i believe it to be true regardless of how bro treats me. i'll remember this. i don't have to air out to him all of the bad times. he would so quickly talk over me and make the whole thing about himself! with a false promise of listening to me more and to stop invalidating me. he couldn't keep that promise.

i shouldn't have to feel guilty of being aware of my abuse and acknowledging it as "bad." all abuse is bad. whether it lasted a year or 25. i didn't get any security in my life other than a roof over my head (and that was even threatened when they broke my privacy i HATE them for it! to scare me, at 13 years old! for swearing in MY PRIVATE JOURNALS! i hate them for that. to threaten to send me away! for something so petty! to threaten to send away a HELPLESS kid. to some vague unknown detention center i hate hate HATE THEM FOR THAT!! i hate how scared they made me. how could they i didn't deserve that.)

i hate that i had no security in anything. in being good enough or being in a home of people who loved me no matter what, unconditionally.

i deserved to have security. to feel attached to them healthily. to feel secure enough to go to them for troubles and for joy. to ease my pain and uplift me the way i tried to uplift them.

that's just the thing. again. no reciprocation. how would they like it... if i stopped!? not so much i don't think! they would hate me, the way i hate them for hurting me and abandoning me and constantly constantly making me feel so so unlovable!

again! HOW COULD THEY!! make such a young child feel so unlovable. she wasn't unlovable.

to be honest. if i looked at her. i'll grab those photos now.

i just got so incredibly sad looking at them. how could they hurt me like that? so small and unknowing. treated me like i was so undeserving of a beautiful love that families are SUPPOSED TO GIVE! i just look at those photos. of myself. younger than 6 in all of them. how anyone could see me, 2 years old. 3. 4. 5. and for no reason abuse me. decide i didn't need to be comforted when upset. uplifted when down.

there is this photo of me, maybe in 1994. just 2, maybe 3 already. i'm holding a parasol and sitting on a bench. my leg is under my other thigh (like how i tend to sit now at 25).

my smile here in this photo is so big! i wonder what i was laughing or smiling about. those two braids at the sides. probably another in the back. a Spring scene. the outfit is so 90s.

when i look at that photo, i feel like i'm sensing something so genuine. that i haven't felt in a while. maybe a contentment.

i just had this thought, looking at the other photos too. that i have been brought up like an object. i knew this already. didn't strike me so hard as it did now. i'm sure there are none staged photos. i know.

i just wonder.. if FOO ever saw me, so young, and was in awe or appreciation in my life. that i was there. just there. doing something or not doing something. just happy i am there with them.

i'm glad i decided to stick around that senior year in high school. even though it was out of obligation. i have learned so much since.

it feels strange to say i'm glad i stuck around, for the much younger me. with that parasol. i wish i could go into the scene of that photo and pick myself up and hold as tight as comfort would allow us both.


i deserved so much better than what i was given. what little tools i was given. harmful long-lasting tools.

i felt so sad but i'm angry too again, now, at all of them. i look at these photos and think of FOO and wonder how in their heart they could do these things. but i was an object to all of them. shiny (golden). willing to serve. how they could look at me, young and unknowing and decided to hurt me however they wished. and choosing not to defend me.

i see my younger self with that parasol and that big smile and wonder what about me wasn't worth defending. NOTHING!

i was totally worth defending and still am and it's just not fair, so freaking inconvenient to say the absolute least, that i was never defended! never defended to the point of change in myself or someone else's actions.

i'm sorry, to myself, that they did those things. said those things. all of it.
there was no reason for them to, and i refuse to look deeper for them and their sake or benefit of the doubt. because they could not and would not do this for me. past events can't demand future actions against others!
there was no reason for them to see my pain, and not want to do anything to ease it. i deserved so much better.

it's not fair to keep going back and forth with bro. i don't want to tolerate it and one day i will stop tolerating it.

i'm going to take this week off to rest. i have some lab work on saturday that will probably drain me, and my friends' neice's prom send off and that will take a small toll too. going to see where this takes me by sunday morning.

[tea-the-artist]

small bit of frustration of the first day off. went looking into the golden child. maybe i don't know enough about that to call myself. is cowering in fear and not helping or defending the scapegoat, while also being doted on..., is that what makes me golden?

or do i still think this lesser abuse is what makes me golden?

well i never went out of my way to side with F to destroy bro. their physical fight in 2011, december. i still remember crying and screaming at F to stop.

we are such... a different case. i don't really know what to call it. i keep reading and disproving my golden-ness. i was and still am grossed at the idea of being F's extension. i am saddened that he'd previously told bro one day me and him would not be as close and tight as we were at the time. i hate that! maybe it is true, but not because i turn against him to side with F. but because i turn to side with myself FOR ONCE! how ugly of F.

--edit i think there's something to be said about... a potential "golden child" turning into the sibling-mom (how did i forget that?) for the scapegoat. maybe golden child isn't my title. bro certainly made it seem like that was the case. i am obsessed with having some label though. i don't need one, but to have one makes me feel able to concretely recall what happened and how. i am not a narcissist. i'm not the narcissist child. (im going now!)
--
i think this plays a big part in why i also keep feeling like i'm a narc. but members here are reassuring me that can't be the case (and that my worry alone completely disproves any "proof" of being a narc! that feels nice to think about. motivating too.)

i want to shush for now since it's my week off to rest up. but every time i get new thoughts or realizations i have to come write it here.

the golden child... i'll look into it again (perhaps i assumed) and learn whatever i learn and leave it at that, reassured or not. i will stick to reading journals quietly and posting in the 3 good things a day thread. that will help keep my spirits up at least. getting to know the members on my own time and recounting and acknowledging that good things happened every day.

[tea-the-artist]

really tried part of my best to not post. but i couldn't help it (i am in a good enough mood to poke small fun at myself for blabbing and i really like that drama queen emoticon )

just a quick realization. i'm finding it hard to read journals. i stayed away in the past mainly because i feel like it's such a private thing. they are open (and i'm sure there are ways to keep them closed or prevent others from responding if possible).

i think my feelings about journaling of course come from my past experience. not to delve too much. i touched on this sometime last year. about journaling feeling like a performance of feelings, instead of an expression. F and M constantly reading my journals, the "I'll always find out" threats kinda geared me towards the habit of spilling everything. NEEDING to be completely open otherwise someone would find out the rest and i'd be the fool.

i think because of that i find it hard to read others' personal thoughts, experiences in their journals. i felt bad about this for very long, posting maybe a few times in support, and seeing that i only came here to journal for myself and ask questions, voice concerns or frustrations or happiness, or support to others if i knew what i wanted to say every now and then. but i also remembered that i do need to take care of myself first. i love helping but i think i'd love it even more when i am stronger, strong enough to provide both support to myself and to others. tis what i'm striving for this week. to resist the urge and rest up and gain some energy.

also remembered one of the guidelines that journaling isn't really so much a discussion. i love all the feedback i've gotten in both my journals. i'm also noting every day that i am writing to express my feelings, not to show off to others (i mean... i can do that in the Successes topic!). like that anger i felt last night, and the sadness. it was not to show them to my friends here. but to release that. put it down on (virtual) paper. validation is good too. i won't forget that.

so i think i'll just stay back for now. maybe completely away for the week. get more in touch with myself and appreciate small things to ground myself a little (napping in the sun and sunset watching yesterday really felt like a different experience than what i've been feeling since November).

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself, tea.

I also found it guilt ridding to create long posts about my own worries, while giving too little back sometmes. When I first came to this forum, I wasn't as active in other people's threads, and it was nearly all used for myself. I was feeling pretty bad too that I didn't have the strength to reach out, but it wasn't really my fault. I didn't have the inner resources for it at the time.

I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts, no matter how slow or ignorant you can be about it.

Because everyone here has it slow and rough with their issues too, but to see that even with that, you can make progress? Maybe they can make progress too. So many people have stopped by without saying a word — who knows how it has affected them?

Well, see you. And have a nice break.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Tea, I just wanted to say how much I love your tagline about treating myself like I would my daughter. Thanks.

[Blueberry]

I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts, ,

    tea, I agree with san and DR here.

Once I felt ashamed of posting "way too much" so I wrote about that concern and got a few responses from mbrs grateful to be able to read my posts. It will be the same with you tea. You will have some fans who read and may comment, or not. I read your Journal for the insights and the similarities to my own struggles.

Journals are more personal and discussions shouldn't take place unless the Journal writer sets one off, but then when you want to stop it, you can say so. It's your Journal, your decision. Same thing if you'd prefer to not get replies, you could put that in the subject line or write it in your next post. I'm not sure that you can lock other members out of your Journal. We can lock a whole topic, but then you'd be locked out too!

" and seeing that i only came here to journal for myself and ask questions, voice concerns or frustrations or happiness, or support to others if i knew what i wanted to say every now and then. but i also remembered that i do need to take care of myself first. i love helping but i think i'd love it even more when i am stronger, strong enough to provide both support to myself and to others. tis what i'm striving for this week. to resist the urge and rest up and gain some energy."

tea, it has never occurred to me in my Mod role that you're not giving enough or taking too much! You do need to take care of yourself first. it's an important rule on here, with which some of us  have problems!

being away from the forum and resting for a while can be really good, but it depends on your reasons for it. Please don't think you need to rest and recuperate so that you have more strength for other people on here and then deny yourself the opportunity to post on here though it would do good! If I understand correctly, it#s maybe safer for you to write a journal here than on paper at home?
I have something similar going on.

You and your posts - not a burden on here!! Releasing feelings on the forum is totally legit!! Even more legit in your Journal

[tea-the-artist]

hoo boy.. lots to read, lots to catch up on but i'll save that for when my brain comes back to earth.

it's this weekend or never and that's pretty harsh but really last friday was supposed to be move out day but... again. i'll recount stuff later.


right now, i'm mostly packed. its almost midnight. im stressing over things that aren't packed that i don't have just one more box for. pansy's bringing a box over on the official day (Saturday or Sunday morning) so there's that.

i made the regretable decision of telling M that i would finally.. FINALLY.. ACTUALLY FINALLY be moving out and this time i meant it. i told her last week and of course the guilt poured in and the sad m-faces formed and this last week has just been something else. it's tiring she's "forgotten" as fawns and fawn-freezes tend to "forget the abuse" and stow it away to make way for some high functioning just to get through it. but whatever. this time i know there's nothing i can do about it but it was aggravating. finally tuesday i think, she was on board after i got a bit yell-y. i reached out to pansy feeling like i was becoming F but she reassured me it was the opposite and that she's proud of me standing up to take care of myself first.

my plan was to tell everyone on my move out day. all at once, for like. 5 minutes and then dip. bounce. make like a tree and leaf! so now i have to confront bro and F tomorrow or whenever. i don't know how to do the timing. but this time it's a bit different. and i think typing this out will help me remember.

i reached out to an online friend of mine about my dilemma of planning when to tell them (she actually came up with telling them as late as possible to prioritize my mental health, knowing that packing and moving would be stressful enough and that telling them in advance would really hinder me like last year). she had also told me it's important to expect the same results. they're gonna be hurtful. and abusive. they're gonna not listen to my feelings, they're going to invalidate me and make me feel worthless as they absolutely have done all throughout this last year that i've continued to live here.

to expect anymore from them would hurtful to me, as i've been let down frequently in the past. i know my FOO will not show up for me. i don't even want to entertain the thought that they might, because they won't and that's just that. being hopeful for them is a hindrance and it did me so incredibly wrong!

anyway i have no clue what i'll say. i'd written some things but every time i think about it i start blanking. maybe i should keep it to five minutes. tell them i'm not happy and i feel like i'm being brought down by negativity with no real positive enforcement. that's too nice. i donno. "i'm not happy here, so i'm moving out to make my life better. i'll call you when i decide i need to call you. bye "

i'm scared about the process of getting boxes out my house. i'm still banking on tomorrow being the day but i can't be sure right now. none of them are typical moving boxes. one is a short and wide box of clothes. medium amazon size box of misc. small amazon box of hair stuff. 3 priority mail boxes, medium small. a glossier box, small. then i have 2 reusable bags of clothes i forgot to pack before my last deposit of boxes on wednesday, and some weird shaped things that would waste space in a box. and a bag of shoes.

HUFF!! and some things that just aren't packed, will probably go in that box pansy's bringing.

right now i can't be excited to leave. my brain has left and i think i'm just trying to push through this without wasting another week. i know it's gonna hurt and take a lot of rest and healing but it just has to be done. so i'm sorry to myself, and inner kids. this is really important and i absolutely don't know how i can make it through another year here. again i dont wanna entertain the thought.


when i confront them, i don't know how i'll feel. how i'll do it. i don't want a discussion. i've thought too long about this, daydreamed about this for years. i want to make my statement and leave. i hope i can just let the guilt go in one ear and out the other. like audre lorde wrote, "i have no creative use for guilt." (in a different context, but still important and relevant nonetheless).

maybe i have room for a teeny bit of excitement? i'm finally getting the * out!!

ok.

so how am i doing now? a little less anxious (after the teeny excitement). getting a headache (i've been up since 5am and it's 12:20am!) i think i can handle my bro!

he will get upset. likely. and maybe explode at me. i don't like repeated "bad" behavior so i WILL remind him he did that last year and hasn't learned anything! he may guilt me

bro: tea! your bad actions always lead to me being hurt even when i haven't done anything!
tea: well that's not ME telling F to be hurtful and abusive to you!! that's HIS doing! he's taking his anger out on you and that's his choice! i cannot control him.

bro: tea why can't you just wait till i get a job first?
tea: that's disrespectful of you to even ask me to wait for you again!

tea: nothing has changed! i wanted to leave last year and i told you and M and neither of you did anything to make things better. this place is unbearable and i am officially unwilling and unable to take it anymore!

well, he can say his other pieces if he's got anything else to throw at me. and if it makes me feel unsupported, that is yet another reason on top of the worldwide landfill of reasons i have got to get out of here!


i was nervous to make this entry and feel like i'm speaking too soon but i just need to say screw it! it's happening now or never and the universe scaring me into (rightfully) keeping my plans to myself can suck it for now. i've waited too TOO long!! goodnight!

[Hope67]

Hope things go well for you, Tea-the-artist. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

tea, it's a mighty big step you're taking, brave of you to be doing so.  i give you all kinds of credit for this - i know how you've struggled over it. 

may i suggest you keep anything you say as short as possible, and i agree with you that this is not the time to get into a discussion/argument.  you might even want to frame it in a positive light, such as 'i've got a chance to spread my wings, so i'm moving on' or 'it's just time for me to go find myself' - something like that.  it seems to me that you have a better chance of getting out of there w/o guilt or yelling or whatever if you keep the reason for wanting to leave focused in a pos. way on yourself.

this really is a chance to find yourself, your true self, in an atmosphere that's more conducive to self-exploration and healing.  i left home (a long time ago) against my parents' wishes, and it was the best thing i ever did.  their reactions were on them - we can't control how anyone will view what we're doing and why.  i needed to get 'out from under' as well.  it turned out to be the beginning of so many things. 

so, i wish you the best, sweetie.  i hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you. always take care of yourself first.  love and hugs. 

[tea-the-artist]

I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself, tea.

I also found it guilt ridding to create long posts about my own worries, while giving too little back sometmes. When I first came to this forum, I wasn't as active in other people's threads, and it was nearly all used for myself. I was feeling pretty bad too that I didn't have the strength to reach out, but it wasn't really my fault. I didn't have the inner resources for it at the time.

I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts, no matter how slow or ignorant you can be about it.

Because everyone here has it slow and rough with their issues too, but to see that even with that, you can make progress? Maybe they can make progress too. So many people have stopped by without saying a word — who knows how it has affected them?

Well, see you. And have a nice break.

I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts,,

    tea, I agree with san and DR here.

Once I felt ashamed of posting "way too much" so I wrote about that concern and got a few responses from mbrs grateful to be able to read my posts. It will be the same with you tea. You will have some fans who read and may comment, or not. I read your Journal for the insights and the similarities to my own struggles.

Journals are more personal and discussions shouldn't take place unless the Journal writer sets one off, but then when you want to stop it, you can say so. It's your Journal, your decision. Same thing if you'd prefer to not get replies, you could put that in the subject line or write it in your next post. I'm not sure that you can lock other members out of your Journal. We can lock a whole topic, but then you'd be locked out too!

" and seeing that i only came here to journal for myself and ask questions, voice concerns or frustrations or happiness, or support to others if i knew what i wanted to say every now and then. but i also remembered that i do need to take care of myself first. i love helping but i think i'd love it even more when i am stronger, strong enough to provide both support to myself and to others. tis what i'm striving for this week. to resist the urge and rest up and gain some energy."

tea, it has never occurred to me in my Mod role that you're not giving enough or taking too much! You do need to take care of yourself first. it's an important rule on here, with which some of us  have problems!

being away from the forum and resting for a while can be really good, but it depends on your reasons for it. Please don't think you need to rest and recuperate so that you have more strength for other people on here and then deny yourself the opportunity to post on here though it would do good! If I understand correctly, it#s maybe safer for you to write a journal here than on paper at home?
I have something similar going on.

You and your posts - not a burden on here!! Releasing feelings on the forum is totally legit!! Even more legit in your Journal

That is so true DR! it's been some time, but i really thought about what you and everyone here has been saying about this. jotting down even the small progresses and goals can definitely be helpful! all the little insights can have such huge impacts for others, it really is a whole different thing in different perspectives sometimes.

and yeah blue, this has always been the one place I can actually write without fear. I think I have this issue with my journal because of the constant broken boundaries i dealt with growing up. so I was constantly in a state of feeling like my journal is everyone's: for everyone to read, to comment, discuss, advise, etc etc. so it's a bit of a new feeling to be able to say "no" to replies, discussions and whatnot. hopefully i can exercise that ability? right? power?

also thanks for saying i'm not a burden!

---

Tea, I just wanted to say how much I love your tagline about treating myself like I would my daughter. Thanks.

thanks a bunch frillyfarmgirl! and you're welcome! it's such a moving quote and really helps me to always think about my IC

---

Hope things go well for you, Tea-the-artist.
Hope 

tea, it's a mighty big step you're taking, brave of you to be doing so.  i give you all kinds of credit for this - i know how you've struggled over it. 

may i suggest you keep anything you say as short as possible, and i agree with you that this is not the time to get into a discussion/argument.  you might even want to frame it in a positive light, such as 'i've got a chance to spread my wings, so i'm moving on' or 'it's just time for me to go find myself' - something like that.  it seems to me that you have a better chance of getting out of there w/o guilt or yelling or whatever if you keep the reason for wanting to leave focused in a pos. way on yourself.

this really is a chance to find yourself, your true self, in an atmosphere that's more conducive to self-exploration and healing.  i left home (a long time ago) against my parents' wishes, and it was the best thing i ever did.  their reactions were on them - we can't control how anyone will view what we're doing and why.  i needed to get 'out from under' as well.  it turned out to be the beginning of so many things. 

so, i wish you the best, sweetie.  i hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you. always take care of yourself first.  love and hugs. 

thanks Hope and san! it went the best it could given the circumstances, as things tend to be. but even though it's been a bit of a struggle i'm so happy to be free!!