Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2

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sanmagic7

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2018, 07:21:43 PM »
i can totally relate to feeling like i've been traumatized since before i was born, (i actually was - they used forceps to get me out of my mother, cut my face next to my eye, still have the scar) and what would being 'fixed' mean?  i don't know what it means not to have trauma symptoms, some kind of pain and/or sadness.  it's been with me forever.

just wanted to let you know you're not alone here, tea.  all i know is that i often ask for the strength to make it thru the day.  we do what we can, what we need to do to get from here to there.  you are so far from stupid, it's shrinking in your rearview mirror.

one place i was able to get my anger out was a journal that i used expressly for that purpose.  nothing else but anger toward whoever.  i had a red pen to symbolize anger - it was the only one i used for that writing (well, sometimes it was just cuss words, sometimes stabbing the paper, sometimes scribbles, whatever it felt like).   when i filled that notebook up, i walked it out to the garbage can outside just to get the venom out of my house.  that felt pretty good.

very glad you're able to find things that feel good, and i love that 'sharp' note.  it is a certain type of look when someone looks 'sharp'.  i'm glad you got that compliment.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  sending a warm, lovely hug full of care and compassion.
learn something from everything.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2018, 02:25:32 AM »
I relate to that feeling of having no privacy sometimes. In fights before, a couple locks to doors in my house got broken, and that wasn't pleasant. Our privacy is a control of information in our lives, and since information is power, whoever knows these can use that power against us. I'd say the ability to know how to trust or keep secrets is much of a life skill as any other.

It's terrible and common really. To have a picture of who you want to be than what you are. To heal, you need to be aware of the parts of you that need to heal, but taking that false image away to see that can be really painful. I know. I've felt it myself.

 It reminds me of an exercise made by Peter Ralson where you have to imagine that a blank slate soul will become you, but you can only make it so by explaining who you are. You can't say for example general traits like "student" or "dancer", because there are many students and dancers in the world that are not you. You can't say your name because someone else could have your name and be a completely different person. It's not your body since after all there are people who lost body parts who survived, but are still "them". So who are you then?

Well, see you around. I hope the best for you. :)
Hi there. :) Im absolutely logical, but far from cold.

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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2018, 12:44:09 PM »
I'm remembering again that I function a little bit better on my work days. and I feel a lot safer to browse and/or post when i'm at work as opposed to being at home. makes sense.

I think i'm coming out of SAD now that daylight savings has come and brought the sun back into my life more consistently. which means drawing and painting more ;D

i read through my teen-years journals over the weekend and realized I toned myself down so much. for the purpose of entertaining and seeking empathy from my parents who I assumed would read them too. there is hardly any anger at all. if there is any, it seems like I make it seem like there's something I should be doing instead (like changing the way I speak, instead of asking or demanding my parents treat me better). Or use escapism with imaginary friends/daydreaming.

In one of them, I had ripped a page out. It might have been within the last year when I thought F was angry with me and figured I should skim for any angry pages and trash them. Again, makes sense (but it's awful!).

Also realized a lot of my angry entries were lost. After I stopped handwriting journals I went to my computer. My parents eventually read them too. But they're long gone. Maybe not permanently... I'd have to find a way to get the hardrive of the old PC. And even later, more entries when I started college. Those are gone too. That's a huge chunk of missing anger. There had to be something in there that was true to me. Now I have to cultivate it again.

Thinking about it and how it's almost impossible to see any of what I felt back then is stressful. I pretty much threw out my feelings. Rejected them like my parents did. I don't know how to get them back. So much of those years I can't even remember save for when I was 14 and 17. I can't find any evidence of my genuine self, or a self that tried to stay true to who she was. or they. I always felt like I was joking whenever I say that high school was such a blur I that I don't remember anyone or most of what I even did. Guess not. Maybe later I'll write as much as I can remember. feel like this entry started really positive and now I'm back to feeling exhausted and the new snowfall isn't helping.
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2018, 09:15:30 PM »

 It reminds me of an exercise made by Peter Ralson where you have to imagine that a blank slate soul will become you, but you can only make it so by explaining who you are. You can't say for example general traits like "student" or "dancer", because there are many students and dancers in the world that are not you.


good insight DR. I've read similar but again wonder about pre-trauma identity even existing for some folks. it's something to investigate likely after leaving FOO.

also San it's really nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this.

i don't know what it means not to have trauma symptoms, some kind of pain and/or sadness.  it's been with me forever.

yeah that basically sums it up. it's hard to know what's genuinely me versus what's the entertainer fawn-freeze me who's learned all the acceptable mannerisms. I feel bad to pick and choose the good things I like and smoosh it together into a functioning Tea, but at the same time I am free to do what I want and be the person I deserve to be for myself and the little and teen Teas.
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2018, 10:11:16 AM »
it may not be such a great idea, but I'm starting to feel like most of my talk is cheap. Maybe not "cheap," rather words that aren't backed up by actions.

I was feeling extremely overwhelming guilt and sadness about wanting to move out last summer. I knew all the reasons why I needed to leave this house. By the first potential date, i chickened out. By the second date, I figured there was no way I could do it.

i think it ties into needing to be consistent. not just consistently saying I will move out, or consistently saying all the reasons to remind myself that I deserve to move in with supportive friends. but actually have some actions?

for me, I just don't know if it's enough to know the reasons and sit with that. I think realistically, if I want to recover, I've got to play some part.

I don't know... how to really regain my energy on my own. My friends are playing a part in providing a safe space for me to live. so living location and expenses are taken care of. two less worries to worry about. i don't really... I can't visualize the steps and orders in my head because i'm still struggling to care and that really sucks. Truthfully, ideally, I could just up and leave today. or friday. all I'd need to do is pack and call pansy to come pick me up.

I watched this video on seeing yourself differently and just the statement:

Quote
By the time I was 17, I thought, "You know what? I'm outta here. This sucks."

It rings something in me. We are different people, but I wish I could up and determine that my living situation sucks, and that I'd be better off out the house. I don't know what I want out of the minutes before I step out of my house to never return again. I don't know what it is I really want out of those moments. Conversations or arguments or fights or whatever. I'm not sure.

I'm still waiting on another reason :pissed: and that's really really unhelpful. I think if I couldn't do it in October when it was so blatant that F saw me as his employee rather than daughter he should have loved, then I don't think I can just do it the next time he decides to disrespect me.

I have to be active somehow. I realize that's just about the point of recovery, especially recovering for life. I have to be actively making decisions. Being aware of what works and what doesn't. I can't be active for 3 days a week while I'm functioning at work, and then drop it off because evidence shows I don't pick it back up very well.

I know I have to be active in supporting myself. Uplifting myself, motivating myself. Nourishing myself and loving myself. The best parents, despite their faults, are consistent in doing this for their kids. Even if they slip up somewhere, they know that one error isn't ever grounds for revoking any of this support.


with the thought of steps and orders, I wonder if I should put some things off. Thing that I just.. can't really do on my own. It feels bad to look at my inner child work and decide to stop. I can of course, though, keep up with self love and compassion. Being my own best friend. Now.. I can't really be my own T. And I think with all the analyzing and research, I've been attempting this.

Even with those good parents, they can't be their kid's T. They love and support them as best as they can, and with any new information they learn, they make changes and take actions that are suggested best for the child's growth, healing...etc.

I think that's the key I was looking for in trying to stop "fixing" myself. There's nothing really to fix, but there is a lot to unlearn and learn. And I'd like the help of someone who can really guide me through it, one step at a time. I've spent my whole life going at it all alone. I think to continue doing this would be kind of harmful. It's been a lot to comprehend, and even then I'm not sure I've understood all that I've read. It's been stressful, and it's probably a better idea to do (and figure out) the things that are well within my capabilities. Revelation perhaps?? :stars: :Idunno:

I can take steps to nourish myself because I have the financial and physical means to. I encourage myself and say that I love myself and will do everything I can to protect myself. Because those are things I deserve. All of them.

Maybe the coming of spring (and this currently sunny sky) is rejuvenating me. Just looking at the sky makes me feel like anything's possible, and that I want to just leave my work shift and go home and start packing again.


I don't think there's anything I can really do to change FOO. My friends have all been telling me that my parents have had their chance to live these years. They had their times to thrive. Why would I come up with reasons or support their reasons as to why I don't deserve to live and thrive? That's the opposite of self care.


some good things to note:

It's sunny today :sunny: so like a plant, I feel energy coming my way
i remembered to make lunch today (despite falling down some stairs and getting the instant feeling to punish myself)
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2018, 03:34:02 PM »
I dont know about moving out, but I do know about inaction. Change starts in the mind before you ever act towards it. And youre trying your best to do that. It used to that when I was too scared to act that Ill try to rush what Im trying to do forward and force it, but pausing to notice whats causing the fear inside is a better step.

I remember a meditation book from Osho where he tried to advise a man how to get rid of his smoking habit. The man would always try to guilt himself into stopping but it wouldnt actually make him stop. Osho said to him that he had to fully feel the smoke and how it stirred up his craving. The man doubted him, but did so anyway. Later on, he stopped smoking entirely.

In problem solving, there needs to be a certain skill in being able to switch between different modes of problem solving. Being more aware of your emotions around it, gathering information, making ideas, looking for the possible benefits, looking for the possible consequences and implementing ideas. Maybe you could try switching to a more appropiate mode when youre stuck?
Hi there. :) Im absolutely logical, but far from cold.

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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2018, 03:57:03 PM »
been watching parenthood for the second time to... get some sort of perspective. TV shows aren't great sources for what healthy relationships should be like, but this show has a lot of good in it.

at the very least, it's bringing up a lot of emotions stemming from childhood: being left alone... being at school late until my dad could pick me up.. arriving at my home when no one was there to let me in. that last one makes me feel the saddest. there were a few days like that that I can remember. and it was early in the school year so it was hot. the door step faces west so I was sitting in the sun. I don't think I'd ever waited incredibly long. but long enough for there to be an impact that I can remember with sadness now as an adult.

the show has been reminding me there's not a lot of meaningfulness in the relationships I have with my parents. i guess that's what happens when most of my time is spent by myself. and when i get parents like them.

last night I tried out a meditation app. just 5 minutes. it was nice to lay down and think about my breathing but M was moving around the house and talking so that was distracting. but I'm hopeful for my next attempt. A goal I'd like to see through is being aware of my emotions, and how they change. What are the signs. How I can respond to them healthily without judgement. Feeling bad but knowing that I am not bad. I think that's one of the doable things I can do while I'm still here.

I think I've been slowly climbing out of SAD this past week, so that's something good too. of course getting things started again into good habits is difficult. I've done it before, many times. I just need to get my legs moving and keep them moving for a bit. There's some flight in me that's all in my head, and healthily, it could be of better use in my legs. I was never the tangible busy person, but I do like the feeling of having things to do and actually accomplishing them. But that's a rarity for me. Just another thing that can contribute to being a more consistent person. felt like I had a lot of thoughts before writing but now the well feels dry right now. I do have some things to do that'd make me feel better if I did them now.

Good things today? I did the dishes before F came home (hours before). Did the laundry :cheer: that's usually pretty easy for me to get done early. Trimmed some recently transplanted house plants. They're not looking well from the shock, but I'm waiting for them while they recover slowly.

Actually before I do those things. I remember telling Peach a couple months ago about repotting and trimming my plants when spring comes. She calls me a "garden witch" which is just a really lovely compliment! thinking about it now makes me smile :) In a way, I think we came to the conclusion that caring for houseplants could be be turned into a method of self care. Or a metaphor for self-parenting too. We look at the warning signs houseplants give - yellowing leaves, dry soil, wilting, curly and crisping leaves , spotting - and we act on those signs. Stop watering. Water. Move into or away from the window. Research potential diseases. Every plant is different. I think I can be as gentle to myself as I am with my houseplants. I talk to them, and to myself and Little Tea. Baby them and apologize if I forget to water and feed them. I praise them when they start sprouting new leaves. I play with the leaves gently and admire the spring they have. I stare in amazement when they perk back up after wilting (and apologize for my lack of care). I can do those things for myself. I know the things FOO has taught me are lies. The things they said and the things they implied.
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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sanmagic7

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2018, 07:44:15 PM »
tea, i think you are in the middle of a process that will eventually get you to where you want to go.  like d.r. said, thought is the first step.  i think the fact that you're now writing it down, sharing it, contemplating what it all means is a big second step. 

you'll get there, of that i have no doubt.  i love your plant analogy, the idea of being a gardening 'witch', and how you're now relating what you do to and with your plants for care, and beginning to translate that to yourself and your life.  especially the idea that if your plant isn't thriving, you'll move it to a place where it will.

wishing you the best, tea, and sending a warm, loving hug full of self-care and sunshine.
learn something from everything.

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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #23 on: March 15, 2018, 09:37:07 PM »
I feel awful to say this but it truly got me feeling defensive in probably a negative way, maybe confronting the fact that I can't call myself a "painter" because there are many like myself. Or other things maybe, gender and else related because there's others with those labels too.

I think I got frustrated because recently I finally felt good about calling myself a painter because painting is one of the very few things.. probably the only thing that makes me feel real and alive and whole.

Identity before trauma. Healing the damage. Coming out of it as "my genuine self." It gets to me because the self sacrificing. How doing that just erased any possibility for a development of self, of a concrete self. I haven't even been so upset about it in a while, but remembering how upsetting it is to just feel like I'm not a part of life. Not the "thriving" part of being a part of life. But just.. I guess the existing? Maybe I just forgot or maybe I repressed it, until now, confronting and being overly aware of this. Of my lack of identity. Or lack of awareness of my identity, the true one. Of my just kind of being there. the negative side of existing that isn't a part of things and of life. Like maybe I'm doing that thing again where I'm talking and writing for show, but not doing anything. Even "thinking." One day I'm thinking of it and another day I've forgotten or pushed it aside.

I hate that my brain is so jumbled and tired that I even tried to figure out if I was even thinking correctly. am I supposed to think words or sentences? what am I thinking? if it's not words put together then what am I thinking? am I OK? what's my brain doing when I'm not forming sentences?

who am I supposed to be? I guess even thinking past the image of who I could potentially be as I recover more and more, I just don't know. who am I? even right now. who would I be if I wasn't traumatized? if I was allowed to have an identity separate from my parents' enmeshment? without the suffering? without the abandonment fears and without the guilt. without the self-sacrificing and the unrealistic obligations. who would I be? is that "person" the one I'm healing toward? truthfully all I can see is that very blank shape of a person. Like I've cut a human shape out of a white piece of paper.
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #24 on: March 15, 2018, 11:22:48 PM »
Im sorry youre feeling this way, tea. Ive felt this way while pondering my identity as well, and still do at times. It takes time.

Its my fault as I wasnt clear. What I meant by the idea of not able to define yourself by what other people can be is not to remove any pride on what you are, but to see yourself as whole list of traits. A combination of traits, rather than letting one or a few roles define you.

A lot of people have a self stereotyping kind of process. When someone calls themselves a hardworker for example, he might be actually a hardworker. But he also associates a hardworker to talk to certain people, read certain books, work at extended periods, and many other ideas he unconsciously thinks he should do. Not because he wants to.

Its like when you picture the image of the Earth in your mind. Much of the information you have around it is right you live on it, its made of mostly ocean and revolves around the sun. But you probably dont have the exact picture of the continents, and its not exactly round, more of an oblong.

The key is to find these false associations and assumptions about your own idea of self and change it so you can create your own decision on how you want to be.

Take care, Tea. Youre alright even if you fail.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 11:28:06 PM by DecimalRocket »
Hi there. :) Im absolutely logical, but far from cold.

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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #25 on: March 18, 2018, 01:21:32 PM »
thanks for the kind words DR



some conclusions from the last 2 days:

1. I'm a huge liar. I've never confronted it before but I see how many times i've just lied to save myself the trouble of doing things I can't bring myself to do. i lied to my friends to buy some time while i finished a gift for their sister. lied that I had errands when i didn't. i think i feel ashamed that i haven't moved in with them and maybe it's just in my head but i feel like they're getting annoyed and impatient. and that they're seeing through some things.

i thought about how i lie to my parents and to myself that our relationship is something at all. stuff to cope i guess.

i wish at some point i could stop crying for a period of time and get things done. i've always been a crier and i know it was never out of weakness. maybe it's because i'm sick today but i just feel like i can't do anything anymore. i still procrastinate and make excuses and wallow in my inability to do things. i know everyone has played their part except me. for the next step in all of this. i feel like i'm in space floating around trying to pilot a body that's so far away. not dissociating because i still don't think i do that. just that i feel like i'm trying so much but nothing is truly effective. i don't know if any of what i'm doing is "right" or useful and I STILL feel like i am performing. not for myself or inner children but for some entity that consists of all the people I want to please. i'm still doing this. and yet i'm still having this deep feeling of not wanting to do anything for anyone anymore.

that's the overarching feeling. like i've come to stop automatically wanting to do things for other people, yet am still automatically working and feeling the need to please and perform.

i don't know if i'll ever move out. bro was talking about his driving lessons with F and i started to get that feeling that i would be here again next year.

and i'm so angry at MG because i think he got me sick yesterday and i feel miserable and overdramatic at the same time.  i haven't been sick in such a long time, over a year and now i feel even more compelled not to do things today like the COMMISSION i can't bring myself to complete.

yesterday i was so quiet and just overly aware of it. i think pansy either noticed and/or was annoyed by it but no one asked about it. i felt even worse because in my mind i had already worked to convince myself of a vague lie as reason for my quietness.

binging tv shows isn't helping but i can't stop. trying to think of another plan to move forward just... i don't care about it. i know, logically, that i'm playing a big role that's keeping things for moving forward. thinking gets jumbled and i can't focus because i just don't care even though i'm supposed to care because i'm supposed to care about myself.

i don't feel like faking it till i make it because i still know in my heart that it's not genuine. feels like even little tea might be able to see that.

and of course i haven't been eating well. i know i can pick myself back up.. and that none of this erases the progress i've made. i don't know.
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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Blueberry

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #26 on: March 18, 2018, 02:06:17 PM »
tea, i think you are in the middle of a process that will eventually get you to where you want to go.  like d.r. said, thought is the first step.  i think the fact that you're now writing it down, sharing it, contemplating what it all means is a big second step. 

you'll get there, of that i have no doubt. 

tea, I second san on this.

You know, I made a decision just last week that involves a move (my business into my apartment). There quite a number of things to do beforehand including doing a clear-out in my apartment and in my office. I did none of that today. I lay in bed and read and gazed out the window. Then I came on here.

Sometimes we need time to regroup. Or just be. Then we get active again.

You mention that you're crying a lot. It could be that emotionally you're working a lot right now and that when that clears a bit, you'll be able to start moving forwards again.

Baby steps count.  :hug: :hug:
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sanmagic7

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #27 on: March 19, 2018, 07:18:28 AM »
tea, i agree with blueberry - baby steps count.  when we're in these muddles, it's so hard to see our way through.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug for you filled with soothing calm and the beginning of some inner peace.
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tea-the-artist

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #28 on: March 19, 2018, 11:42:40 AM »
OK here goes.


What I meant by the idea of not able to define yourself by what other people can be is not to remove any pride on what you are, but to see yourself as whole list of traits. A combination of traits, rather than letting one or a few roles define you.

A lot of people have a self stereotyping kind of process. When someone calls themselves a hardworker for example, he might be actually a hardworker. But he also associates a hardworker to talk to certain people, read certain books, work at extended periods, and many other ideas he unconsciously thinks he should do. Not because he wants to.

I see what you're saying now. I jumped to conclusions when my head wasn't clear at all or interested in being rational and patient. Previously, when I was much younger, I used to think of myself as kind and compassionate. And funny. But they all stem from being partially fawn type. Seemed to have taken the characteristics I had that were required to survive, and call them my own. But those things, despite being "good," still came from a place of trauma, and weren't used in a self-benefiting way. I think... if I think about it this way, I feel better knowing that if I can learn to use these traits towards myself as well, and have a balance where I can redirect my fawning towards myself (putting myself first instead of others), then that's good. Perhaps a genuine "me"?

Instead of an obligatory compassion towards others, I'd choose to have self-compassion that prevents self-invalidation that seems to be inherent in fawn types.


The key is to find these false associations and assumptions about your own idea of self and change it so you can create your own decision on how you want to be.

This is really comforting, I've come to realize. With identity loss (and all of my crises about it), I am definitely battling a lot of labels that were placed onto me. Battling the fawn that is obligated to FOO instead of herself. I think a better and healthier way of thinking about "recovery" from CPTSD (and in my case, identity loss), is almost the recreation of my self. Not entirely. Maybe the recreation comes from the redirecting. And that redirecting will allow me to live my best life and be my best self. Maybe that's what "healing and recovery" is for me. Even though it's still hard to see that deep within there is still a "genuine me."

Perhaps it's got nothing to do with a pre-trauma identity. Honestly, I can't think any more about that identity. It'd have to be me as a baby, even though babies have lots of personality I'm sure. But what I can think about is who could I be, when trauma is dealt with. When I'm able to put into practice self-care and compassion, when I'm able to live for myself and no one else. What have I been told about myself, and what can I do to prevent myself from believing those harmful things.

Also thanks for the reinforcements san and Blueberry. I keep feeling like I'm running myself thin but at the same time I can't even see anything being done. regrouping is a good idea. since I'm sick I think I ought to take a minute and sit with myself, be aware of what i'm feeling. This coasting feeling that I've always felt is really strong and present. No binging on netflix. Just writing some thoughts out later in my physical journal. What am I feeling? What am I scared of? What's stopping me from doing what I want to do and "need" to do? My thoughts are still jumbled. A good thing to think about is that CPTSD requires active attention. Active decision-making. Eventually I'll get there. Baby steps definitely do count.
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.
― Michelle K

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.2
« Reply #29 on: March 19, 2018, 03:48:30 PM »
Im just glad you were able to learn something to heal, Tea.  :) The thing about true identity is that its always changing. Our attitudes and beliefs vary as time passes by. We can say were our feelings and thoughts, but our feelings and thoughts also change moment by moment. By quality, by quantity, by intensity, duration, type and a lot more.

We certainly have tendencies, but by really observing how we personally change moment to moment rather than being always the same, we can change our standards to adapt to the moment. To add an example, the hardworker I mentioned could change what people he talks to according to his moods than his shoulds, read books only when he needs to and adapt how much he needs rest or work with how much energy he has left.

In a way, observing what changes in ourselves also allows a certain belief that yes, we can change. We can grow. We can do something.

So take care, Tea. Its alright if you get scared or confused around this. I do too. Hey, they do say you get a lot of identity crises as a teenager and well, Im stuck in this stage for now. But It takes time for all of us really.

 :cheer:

Hi there. :) Im absolutely logical, but far from cold.