How do I become authentic around a narcissist

Started by goblinchild, October 21, 2017, 08:39:27 PM

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goblinchild

I'm at a point in therapy where I'm understanding the difference in how I am when I'm alone (more authentic?) and how I am around people. (I don't feel like I have a personality apart from being anxiety-on-legs) My therapist wants me to slowly become more vulnerable, start having interests and feelings...out loud so-to-speak. I don't feel like I know how though. I feel like it would be hard enough learning to do that in a neutral environment but I'm still living with a narcissistic relative and I don't have a way to leave just yet.

How on earth do I do anything "out-loud" without getting torn apart?? I feel so protective of any likes, interests or positive feelings I DO have, I feel like they only survived by being kept inside a vault and away from people. I feel like so little of them did even survive, it's like sacrilege to just throw them out there to get destroyed.  I don't have any confidence in myself to deal with it somehow.

Three Roses

I recommend this short video a lot

https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

Tips on disarming an N, I imagine learning to be yourself while they're around could be a good first step?

That same gal has more videos, and Richard Grannon also has tons of videos that you might find helpful.

ah

hi goblinchild,

This is only from subjective personal experience, it may not relate to your situation. But...

Vulnerability has a lot to do with emotional flexibility, with learning how much to show and be depending on context. Unsafe, inappropriate context - less vulnerability. Not understanding any of this, I've tried showing vulnerability to narcissists and psychopaths and it was always used against me in ways that are beyond cruel. I think as important and healing as vulnerability can be, it's also crucial to acknowledge that in itself, per se, vulnerability is only healing when it's practiced with people who are good enough. With people who can be safe, i.e. they're not too far gone on the narcissistic scale... if they're unsafe for you, then the wisest choice you can make may be to keep being inscrutable to them. Emotionally inaccessible, polite, bland, friendly, aloof... without anything authentic offered for them to stab at.

But this time do it consciously, not as a pained survival strategy but as a choice, not out of anxiety and pain but as an expression of self protection and self respect. :)

Be you in other places, if you can. Be fully you when they're not there. But "wind down" your self and only show a tiny part of who you are when they're around. It may be the smart thing to do.












sanmagic7

i agree with ah about picking and choosing who you might want to practice being more vulnerable with.  slowly, small steps, with people others than narcs.  take your time - you don't have to jump in all the way, especially at first.  see how it feels, note the experience, a little at a time.  being ourselves is such a relief, but i've discovered the hard way that i can't do that with everyone.

so, do what you can when you're able.  it's your recovery - your own pace is paramount.  wishing you the best with this, goblinchild.  sending a hug filled with care and caution.

I like vanilla

I too agree that it is a good idea to pick and choose when to be vulnerable. I am far enough along on my healing journey that I can be more authentic and vulnerable with my friends. BUT I would NEVER show my 'real self' to a narcissist. Never.

Narcs use our energy as a food to try and fill-up their own emptiness. To give them my vulnerability would be too dangerous as it would give them ways to access and attack me in the future. Plus, it would serve no purpose. To be 'real' and 'vulnerable' in appropriate ways with my friends extends and deepens the friendships; it shows trust in the person to see my true self and love me anyway for it. A narc is unable to interact in healthy-friendship ways and so also incapable of deepening a friendship as a result of this type of show of trust. So, to show vulnerability to a narc would serve only to harm me and could never serve to create a deeper or better relationship with them.

From me, the narcs get avoidance, no contact, and when I must interact with them the grey rock technique. From me the narcs do not ever get my true self. They get only the boring, surface, bland politeness that I give them. They deserve nothing more from me, and I deserve to protect myself from them.

goblinchild

I've been thinking about all of this and it's really good advice. I've been going easier on myself lately as a result, and realizing that if I don't feel like I can be vulnerable it's for a reason.