My story - feelings of loss

[PeTe]

When I consider my life, I usually think of it in terms of fighting (survivor seems an apt description) and I grieve over how things have been and could have been.

My father was distant and seemed disinterested. My mother dominated the scene with breakdowns and looming breakdowns. When I was 3 or 4 y o, I remember the first time she threatened to end her life (while my father looking away). I stepped in to comfort her and talk her out of it, and have in many wayas remained in the role of a diplomat/caregiver. My mother's disregard to boundaries has been detrimental in preparing me for life. The lack of room for expressing my feelings and being myself in the family has been detrimental in so many ways. I felt alone, scared and trapped, with feelings of low self worth. I still feel that more or less.

I was bullied last year in primary school and in middle school. It felt like the world was ripped away from underneath me, seeing what mean things friends/others could do. My feelings of loneliness, fright and being trapped increased. I was angry, but had no way of venting, and turned it against myself. I started having thoughts of suicide, thinking that noone cares, except my mother. The looming of her committing suicide probably kept me from trying. The whole thing felt unjust and inexplicable, but I started "accepting" it and after a while I was thinking the same about me as the bullies expressed. This of course deteriorated my feeling of self worth. My look on the future was that it held nothing good for me. The one thing I had left was performing excellently at school.

Fortunately I got some friends at middle school. I trod very carefully in the world, and tried all I could not to find myself all alone and at the bottom of the pecking order, succeeding quite well.

In the army I was injured, and couldn't participate fully, which led to people starting to bully me again. This of course triggered quite a bit, and in addition, I was far from friends or any support.

During my studies I was hypersocial, well-liked, high performing, and the few I tried telling about my problems to would get angry and tell me I had no problems. I realized that my heightened stress was detrimental to me, so started in therapy, and improved a little.

I went to study abroad for a year, which triggered a lot from the period I was bullied. I became burnt-out, and couldn't study or work for 4 years. This impacted heavily on me, losing friends, feeling I wasn't myself and not getting adequate help in therapy or from my family. I slowly managed to get better, and in the end managed to secure some small assignments, and my way into work-life began.

I managed to work, even though cognitive abilities, concentration and memory was much reduced. I was so happy I was able to work, because I could now start believing in a normal life with a girlfriend etc (though I had my EFs doubting that notion). I was doing ok at work, but we got a new boss, who was most keen on being friends with the "popular crowd". Two co-workers took advantage of that, one being the lead, and started bullying me, probably because they thought their work was more important and wanted to cut resources to my work. I became a bit dispondent, but fortunately, one day the lead bully went too far, so that I could complain internally of bullying. It wasn't a satisfying process, but the bullying stopped and I got real support from my union, which felt great. I managed to cope ok.

The business I worked in was taken over by another one, and a lot of people didn't think too highly of us. That, I'm afraid, included my former boss. He would undermine me in internal and external meetings. He would say no to my suggestions, but if I made others propose them a week later, he would say yes. It was his first job as a boss, and he was inexperienced. He seems to have amassed a lot of grievances towards me, and when we had the yearly talk about performance, work environment etc, he spent 95 % of the time complaining what a bad job I did. Most of it was really distorted, giving me responsibility for trouble he had caused, some of it was untrue and some of it was petty and irrelevant. I don't know whether it was blame-game, if he needed to vent or whether he actually thought this was a way to coach me into a better path. I had to involve the union several times, and didn't feel that helped too mcuh. I talked to the head of HR, who seemed to be enjoying his power throughout the meeting, and ending with the sentence "the boss decides", despite it being a gross deviation from the leadership philosophy in the business. I just felt completely alone and working at my boss' will and whims. After one and a half years of being afraid of being bullied/fired/frozen out, my boss told us he would quit, andI could finally relax. Then I again felt the post-traumatic reactions. Now I've been on a sick leave for 2,5 months, and will probably be so a month or two longer. I'm not at all worried that I won't be able to deal with work again, though several times I've been pondering whether working in an organisation is right for me.

Now I'm doing things that are good for me - therapy, meeting friends, doing stuff I like, exercising, being out in nature, had confrontational meetings with my former boss and the boss over him. I feel that things are going in the right direction. Though still I escape quite a lot from my feelings with playing games on my smartphone, watching series, not contacting people. Also I'm thinking things won't get better, feeling I'm not worth anything, wanting to give up. Anyways, still a survivor 

I feel my therapist understands me, but hardly anyone else. Anyone recognise themselves in anything?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about what's happened, PeTe... bullying really isn't pleasant, I understand how you feel.
But it's nice that you're on sick leave and giving yourself some time to rest and recover. ^-^

[sanmagic7]

i've had bullies in my life, and can totally relate to grieving what i've lost, what could have been, and what never was.  sometimes i feel like that's all i'm doing is grieving because there's been so much related to loss.  just want you to know you're not alone.  sending a hug filled with compassion.

[PeTe]

Thank you for your understanding - it's both comforting and sad that others have had similar experiences and feelings. I'm trying to put the time of my sick leave to good use. I feel I owe it to myself to get better, which I guess is also a good way of saying I'm worth something. Probably, really mourning that loss somehow will make it easier to let go of what's been and reorient more towards what's actually here and now and what's ahead, and not some negative version of present and future.

Big hug back!

[DecimalRocket]

Bullies can be pretty horrible. They can cause a lack of self worth and hatred for one self. I spent a lot of my life hiding the shame I felt from the bullies I had as a kid.

You deserve that sick leave. Rest and time to grieve is doing you good. Recovery will be slow but you're doing great from how things are going now. The first step tends to be the hardest after all and you've done that.

I'd say more but I'm afraid I'm in need of rest from emotional exhaustion myself.

Sending you some love and compassion. Good luck PeTe.

[PeTe]

Yeah, I feel exhausted too, distant.

Bullies have a terrible influence. I read something about the trauma itself, and then the added trauma of noone doing anything. I can understand the kids who were bullying - they were kids. The adults, though, I feel let me down. However, at the time, little was known about bullying, at least here. I'm glad psychology has progressed, and that it's now possible to go to therapy for cptsd. 15 years ago, it missed my therapists' radar.

Gather some strength, DecimalRocket, and keep up the hard work of getting better!