DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[ah]

No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all.

Ow Rocket, how could I think you're crazy?
That's never crossed my mind. You're like my little sister. So if you're crazy then so am I. Erm. 
Everyone here is in pain, and it can sometimes take time before people can read and respond.
It isn't because you're not good enough, you're so much more than good enough. I think it's because we're all human, flawed and aching and struggling together.

I'm reading 1984 again now and I'm stunned at how good it is, so much better than I remembered. That part at the end always left me wondering too.
This may be a bit philosophical, so my apologies for nerdiness:

I've just read in a buddhist book the following argument: "Appearances are indeterminate." meaning, I guess, that objective things can be interpreted differently by different people, and even by the same person at different times.
They give the example of an apple, if I remember correctly? How for me it looks like a snack, but for an ant it's probably a mountain to be crossed. Both interpretations are valid, there's no "appleness" that has to be the same for everybody.

I find that thought very interesting too. It explains to me how meditation helps you and me. There's the objective object and then there's how we see it, and we can tweak the way we see it.
Tweak your relationships with others in a negative sense, insert too much self doubt and stress and fear into your sense of self and you may get cptsd.
In a way, I think cptsd does make us believe a different past. It warps our memories, changes the way we see ourselves and others so deeply because we're wounded. My swiss cheese memory is a change in how I see the past.
Maybe the foundations of what makes something true always have a subjective part to them. But this is a notorious gap where modern science has a hard time figuring out these things. It's traditionally got a hard time with subjectivity, it instantly tends to recoil and say "That's not truth!"
It's very interesting reading recent research about it.

Also, I have no doubt the tweaking goes both ways. Tweak cptsd in a positive sense, try to help the nervous system learn to calm itself down and bear the stress that caused it, and you may be able to make cptsd symptoms a bit lighter. I hope.
And the same goes for daily experiences. Analyze them deeply, look at them differently and they change as a result, right?

I guess we can call it supernatural, but personally, when I think of it, I think of it as "natural". There's so much I don't know / understand, the things I'm confused about are just as natural as the ones I understand. I don't understand how meditation helps me, but it does beyond doubt, much better than meds or anything else I've tried. So I'm with you.

Also, thinking of these things always ends up leading me to a lonely spot, where I can't share my thoughts with people. It's not craziness, it's... well, I think it's an important part of being a human being with a big brain, with a prefrontal cortex.
Our ability to think about truth is just as natural and just as important and true  as any other.

Keep researching it. Learning what others have figured out, and also experimenting on your own. It's far too interesting not to. Or so it seems to me.

[sanmagic7]

you know i think you're a sweetheart, quite the opposite of a monster or a crazy.  as with monsters, crazy people don't seriously wonder if they are.

can't write much - sick and no energy.  i'm still with you, even if i'm not writing.  don't ever forget that.  love and a hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two, 

San, thanks for being there for me. I've been moved today to more than a few tears at that simple effort. I hope you can gain some strength and rest these days.

Ah, no need to apologise for being nerdy. I'm pretty nerdy one too. 

Haha. I think you might want to try checking out Actualized.org. Lots of personal development taught thought through a very philosophical angle. Meditation has been popularized to be simpler and to be "relaxing", but the earliest use of it is to find insight by removing language which is . . .as intensely hard as it sounds.

This is an oversimplification, but words are what create subjective experience and by removing its use temporarily, you get to understand the world objectively. To know in language means you have to first admit you don't know by removing the logical and emotional assumptions that language gives. That's why beginner's meditation emphasizes focusing on the breath or the body - where you train your mind to slowly let go of language and focus on just observing what's there.

i thought it was irrational when my thoughts say something else and my feelings say something else. Turns out that as I practice, I discovered thoughts and feelings are two sides of the same coin. What were causing many of these feelings of pain were hidden thoughts, assumptions I hadn't even put to words to know they exist.

They were not in words. They were in language.

[Blueberry]

No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all.

I don't think you're crazy. I'm just having a super difficult weekend myself. I wasn't in a good place all week either though for different reasons.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I don't think you're crazy either, I think you have an enquiring mind, and you're interested in all aspects of life - being curious about the world and the things within it, that's fantastic in my view.

I noticed that dream you'd had - I won't repeat the contents as I don't want to trigger you - but I related to that - the feeling 'alone' as a young child - I'm beginning to try to look out for the younger 'me's - the wounded parts of me - and give them a hug when they need it, and maybe that might also help you.  I don't know.

But if it's ok, I want to extend a warm hug  and let you know that you're a great person.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Geez, you don't know how much I cried today. I was deeply ashamed of asking for help here to the point of deep hour long sobs, but eventually what you guys said calmed me down. I never really had much of a role model for self compassion. 

I can't speak the language of my own country.

Aside from English, there's another main language where I am and that I struggle with.

You see where I live - most people are wrecked in poverty, and the supply of people who are educated and well funded enough to write books here are lacking. Most books here are shipped from other countries in English. I bet I spent more time growing up reading this language in paper and online than interacting with people around here. My emotional distance from people created from emotional neglect didn't exactly help with that. have Even my accent sounds more American than native.

Most people who can afford a high school education here (not exactly . . . everyone) can speak both languages, sometimes better in English than the other so I cancommunicate with people. But even they're much more fluent in that language better than me. In a way, there's a language divide between the rich and the poor here, where English is used in most high quality textbooks, presidential election speeches and all kinds of crazy important things.

I don't know. I just don't want to just keep talking to the rich here, you know?

My parents made better millionaire philanthropists than parents. They spent so much time on it they didn't even bother to learn enough about how to parent their kid well, or well, spend enough time with the person. I wonder if I can ask advice on how to use what power this status gives responsibly. Maybe from one of the most powerful billionaire philanthropists in this country - who seems like a much more relaxed and wiser guy than my parents . . . my grandpa.

Not soon though. I still need to finish reading some books in my second language after all and most importantly, time to recover. . .

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

d.r., sometimes i think your inquiring mind can give you too much to think about, to your detriment.  i'm not putting it or you down, i think you have a wonderful mind and i admire your curiosity and determination to learn.  i just wonder if you ever get any rest from it.  or, maybe that's not possible, i don't know.

language can be so important to a culture or an individual.  here in the states, the kids from indigenous tribes, when overrun by the european settlers, were often beaten if they used their native language in school.  the importance of language to their culture was thoroughly recognized, by both cultures, and the tribal elders have made a comeback in keeping their language vital and viable to all their people now.

it sounds like you are making a project for yourself to learn your own indigenous language, and i give you a lot of credit for that.   the idea that you don't just want to talk to the 'rich' people shows what a very special individual you are.

when i went to mexico, i already knew a smattering of spanish.  what i didn't know was that the spansih i'd learned in books was not the same language that the mexican people speak from day to day.  it was similar, but mexican spanish is very different from spain's spanish.  it was like i had to learn another language again.

interesting what you said about emotions not being in words (if i read it correctly) but in language.  there are so many different languages of the mind, body, soul and spirit of an individual, but they are often felt rather than spoken.  you're just getting into this whole 'feeling' thing, and i know it can be overwhelming for you at times. 

i love your determination to learn, to know, to express, to feel, to understand, to explore, etc. etc.  you have a wealth of knowledge, and you're just beginning to put that knowledge into play in your everyday life.  how does this fit there, why am i feeling such and such, how can i use this, that, and the other to make my life as beneficial as possible on as many levels as possible.

time to recover may be one of our most precious assets.  use it wisely, sweetie.  you so deserve it.  and i think it would be really cool to eventually sit down with your grandfather, get some practical information from him.  he may be very different with you than he was with your parent, which might not be a bad thing.   i would suggest that you be aware of 'shoulds' from him, something your parents might have gotten from their parents.  pressure to succeed financially.

sending a warm, loving hug filled with rest, and maybe a little fun on the side.

[Blueberry]

No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all.

I don't think you're crazy. I'm just having a super difficult weekend myself. I wasn't in a good place all week either though for different reasons.

D.R., this was maybe not the most caring of ways to write what I meant.

Let's try it again: the fact that people may not answer has nothing to do with your value as a person, nor does it speak to your sanity (or insanity). It might just be where they are rn. 

[Sceal]

I just want to let you know that I am reading and listening.
I'm just a little used up brain-wise right now so I find myself unable to write something smart or clever in replies to you.

But I'm listening.

[DecimalRocket]

Blue, San and Sceal,  . Still here to support me even with all my crazy ideas, huh? I warn you, I've experienced a few experiments even crazier than that. Let's just say that if what happened was real, trying these aren't as dangerous and hard to do as the movies make them. But that's a story for another day.

I'm ashamed and want to apologize for asking help from you all, but I guess I'll accept your kindness for now.   

San I do rest and have fun messing around - I didn't come up and sing a rock version to a friend of a lullaby called "You are my sunshine" for nothing today. It's just much of my way of downtime is through thinking and reflecting. Sure, thinking can be tough sometimes, but my emotions tend to get aloooootttt more unstable without thinking. When it's too much, I just look for something familiar to turn my brain off doing and stim.

Aspies usually have some kind of special interest/s they're narrowly obsessed with. My case with this symptom is a lot milder ,seeing how many hobbies I've tried, but even after periods of novelty, I always need to fall back on some main interests I have or face some kind of meltdown. Aspies usually have some problem with executive functioning, and I seem to have a particular problem with switching attention. If you guess, one of the main interests involve planning how to change the world for the better (or at least as many people as possible).

It has its pros and cons. On one hand maintaining things like real life conversations can be incredibly difficult (they keep switching topics. . .) and on another I'm obsessed with certain ideas to the point of being incredibly determined to get better in it.

Thinking of things like these is my rest. It's the only thing I can comfortably singlemindedly focus on that's challenging enough to do my whole life. So much else in the world is directionless, unfocused and confusing. . . like my emotions, people or what practical action can create.

It's like that old myth about sharks. I have to keep swimming and swimming, or I'll drown deep under the ocean never to rise again.

[sanmagic7]

got it, d.r.  i've not been too familiar with the workings of aspies, so i'm learning from you, and i appreciate your explanations.

it'll take a lot more than what you've shown to scare me off.  i'm warning the warning!  (supposed to be a gentle joke).

your rock rendition sounds like a hoot.  sorry i missed it.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  warm loving hug to you.   and thanks for that acceptance.  you've got nothing to be ashamed of - we all need help sometimes.  it's cuz we're human.

[Sceal]

Aspies are just as diverse, simple, complex and wonderful as the rest of us. I sometimes admire the aspies who manage to keep such a focus on one thing. To have such a passion for this one thing, that to me would have been wonderful.
I have met a lot of aspies, and they always amazed me. Their honesty and lack of (or less ) mind games is so refreshing. Makes me feel safe, even if I don't always like what I am told. But then I have a choice to either react or to think about it. If it's not right, then let them know without n excess amount of emotions involved. Or atleast explain why it makes me emotional.
I find it is good practice to understand my own reactions.

Sorry, that wasn't really going anywhere in particular. I just wanted to let you know that.

Also for asking for help.
I think that shows both humility and strength. We do need each other, we are a social species. We're not cats   We can't handle everything on our own and recognizing that is powerful.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
You mentioned about keeping "swimming and swimming" and I hope that sometimes you'll maybe latch onto a dolphin for a ride, and not feel you're swimming alone - we're alongside you.     I'm not great at swimming though - so hope I can have some kind of aided motor to help me keep up with you.   

I have no idea why I've just written that - but now it's there, I will leave it.  Hope you will view it is my way of trying to be supportive - and I hope you're ok.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

San,  Well, my rock rendition wasn't that especially prepared. Sometimes I just improvise music to sing or hum to on the spot. But thanks for the acceptance, .

Sceal,  . Thanks for that. Lots of people focus only on the weaknesses of this condition rather than the strengths as well. To be honest, I don't really notice people's mind games that much. Most of the time I only notice when they're direct. Oh well. Less time being aware of other's ideas though means I have more time to form my own independent ideas.

Hope,  . You can stick around for the ride with me anytime.  If you can't be a dolphin, then you can hang around a submarine. Then maybe I can go look around for lost treasure with Bayesian search theory and talking dolphins from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I've been gone for a few days from OOTS. Being less sensitive to noise means I can stick around group discussions more, both casual and academic ones. I just needed time to myself then after being exhausted from what I've learned. From experience, I can eventually adapt to new social situations . . . it just takes. . .longer than others.

Even with time off from casual conversations, there's a lot of academic group works at this time of the year here. And . . . I'm exhausted. Can't really hang around here as much as before.