DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[Sceal]

Hey Rocket!

I can relate to sound disturbances and sometimes sight. Mostly I get very distracted and disoriented with sound, but I'm usually hypervigilant and I'm also a sensitive introvert (I think that's what it's called in english). So it's fully understandable that it can be exhausting and draining, and making oneself unable to focus. Even music can be distorting or exhausting for me.

Regarding aspies, I've got a sister who is one. And I've known several people who is scoring high on the autism spectrum. And I've found every single one of them as different from eachother as non-autistic people. I enjoy talking to aspies, because you usually know that they mean what they are saying - and to me that's make it easier to feel secure about that person.

Hope your day continues well!

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two. Nice to have someone to listen.

Honestly I'm getting nervous about sharing myself here again. On the site 7 cups of tea — I had a different volunteer listener each session and I often avoided listeners I talked to before. It was because I was afraid they'd hate me the more they know about my life. But here — I'm explaining myself to people in more and more depth — and it scares me. Sigh.

But because of people like you two, I'll keep going. It's worth the anxiety that charges through my body every time I go here.

I feel an overwhelming mix of both positive and negative emotions honestly.I already suspected this before I came to this site, but didn't fully believe it. I keep looking for signs I was mistaken, but the more I look into it, the more I could relate to it.

I'm not hurting about being possibly an Aspie. Unlike CPTSD — which is all negatives, being an Aspie has a mix of positives and negatives. The negatives being things like a lack of social skills, sensory sensitivities and too dependent on routine. But the positives often including an incredible focus, an eye for detail and associations in a way that allows insights (Not always to the level of genius — but at least above average for many.) and a genuineness towards people — things I love and hate in myself.

What I'm more distressed about it though is this. That maybe if I didn't realize this possibility sooner, then that meant I lack awareness.

As a kid — I only ever could rely on myself for most of things. My parents weren't there for much of life's problems. Not people my age I know. Not teachers. Not even people online. No one.

All I had was the knowledge I had from the internet, my books and my own thinking.  Every experience had to analyzed, solved, reflected on, categorized and researched to survive alone. Every suffering, every emotional breakdown and every thought of ending it — was blamed on lack of awareness. Of lack of knowledge.

To question my lack of awareness and lack of knowledge is to question my ability to deal with life.

And I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it!

[sanmagic7]

yay, you, d.r.  yes, you are most certainly doing it.  the thing is, too, that you're not alone anymore.  we're here for you, we want to support you, we want to stand with you thru the ups and downs of this process.  it is a process, and it will go at its pace, your pace, and that's ok cuz you're ok.

you are becoming your very best version of yourself, and that's a lot.  it takes time and energy and determination, 3 things you already have and, hopefully, know, are aware of about yourself.   you've got what it takes - i think that's the most important thing to know.  you'll get there.  we're here with you now.  sending a warm loving hug filled with the knowledge you need.

[Sceal]

I think it's wonderful that you have your curiosity, and that you have your strength and willpower to seek out knowledge and continue learning.

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you both. It's not perfect, but I'm a lot more secure in trusting people here. I'm still having trouble trusting people in real life and I can be really shy — but hopefully, this forum could allow me more faith in the goodness of the world.

I figured I'd have to take a break from journaling for a bit. It's taking a toll on me on being open here everyday and I live with a lot of anxiety of what other people might think. I know you people mean no harm, but I can't seem to control my distrust around people.

Reaching out to other people here is confusing too. When I google things on listening to a person — they show contradicting information. One mentions not to give advice but people do here sometimes. One mentions not to talk much about yourself when listening to someone, but people do here.

Maybe I'm just taking things too literally and there's a context I'm not getting here. I just say things I think I'd like to hear and it looks like it's working. I remember when I was a kid, people told me some of my jokes were too mean. I thought all jokes were mean and I was confused why people still made jokes. Like what in the world makes some jokes mean or not mean?

Nevermind.

From hearing all the advice to take things at my own pace, I thought I'd respect my shyness for now.

See you. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad you're doing what's best for you.  i respect that, and i know what it's like cuz i do it myself at times.

advice, suggestions, opinions, examples from experience - yeah, you'll find a bit of all that here.  for one, i'm glad about it all.  i can get something from most of it, even if it's something that doesn't fit for me.  at least i can know that and let it go.  i used to think i had to follow up with everything everyone would suggest to me or tell me to do, and do it right away.  no lag time to think about whether it was something i wanted to do, liked hearing, or wanted to do something different.

you know, if there's some part here that you don't want to hear, you can say that as well.  even if it's that you just want to write out your thoughts and not have anyone respond.  you can do that. 

i see this forum as pretty open in its communication, especially focused on recovery and support.  there are guidelines to help keep it respectful and safe, for which i'm glad.  i do hope you'll be able to find your way back at some point.  i've been glad to hear your voice here, and enjoyed your support.  sending a hug filled with warmth and caring.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, thanks! I decided I'd come back to this place sooner than I thought. I miss this place too much. I will most likely die of embarassment — but it beats not going here. Here's what I was going to post yesterday.

....

I'm reading a novel lately called, "The Hundred Secret Senses." It told a story of Olivia and her half sister Kwan from a Chinese mother, who has "Yin eyes", that allows her to see the dead.

Olivia always hated her own sister even if she knew she was always kind to her — on one page, she remembered how her mother never gave her any attention and she was hurt by that.

She always told Kwan she was busy rather than going out with her — and her actions reminded her of her own mother. This time, she decided she'll listen to her sister — even with her crazy stories about the dead.

I felt my heart melt there at that moment. The idea that someone would listen to someone even if their stories sounded crazy touched me — making me all sappy in cheering for these sisters and overcome by grieving for my own past.

"Why am I getting so emotional with this? This is gross. Screw this. Oh come on." I thought.

Another thought was trying to calm me.. Sigh, it's alright. It's alright.

The whole day I'll be grieving — nothing that strong, but the hurt was always in the background.

I talked to my tutor recently and joked around with other students. Strange, but I noticed I listened more. My laugh was pretty loud for someone who tends to be soft spoken. I was warmer somehow — there was always a part of me that was distant, observing my relationships from far away even when I was talking to them face to face. But this time I felt more . . . there.

It didn't take long for me to feel drained. My fundamental nature is to be more quiet, analytic and reflective after all. Though even with focusing on my usual solitary interests — I still keep them with warmth in my mind instead of getting entirely absorbed by the curiosity for a subject. There was still a strong part of me though that was awkward and shy — not just towards people, but to these more confusing stronger feelings of warmth.

I remember telling people on the site 7 cups of tea on and on again after they tell me they can do nothing for me, "You don't need to give me solutions. I can problem solve, analyze and research at a level for these problems many people don't do and that helps. But what I can't do on my own is . . give myself company.

All I ever wanted though now . . . was to be listened. So listen closely, and even if you can't say some special inspiring words, show that you listened. Maybe that's when I'll heal."

I felt tears overflowing onto my cheeks over and over. . .

Emotions are confusing things compared to logic, aren't they?

[woodsgnome]

Decimal Rocket wrote: "I felt tears overflowing onto my cheeks over and over. . .
Emotions are confusing things compared to logic, aren't they?"

Except they're often more honest than multiple volumes of logic. The confusion might not be logical to many, but without confusion there's little strength either; just a ho-hum it's crazy, I better go along with the logic. Except that leads to forgetting about living life, because its emotions make it illogical. And/or it's just too scary to want to admit to the emotional confusion, and so it gets covered over with logic.

Bringing it closer to home, though--how logical was the abusive patterns so many here had to endure in the name of logic? So many had to endure not being listened to, and there rarely was a logical answer that wasn't dishonest. Logic was just another cover for abuse.

Instead we need to take the emotions and build a new life from there. Hmm...I guess one might conclude that 'logic' is a trigger word for me?

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just sending you a big hug 
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Oof. Sorry, woodsgnome, if I triggered you there. I've been working on this tendency for years now -and I'm aware of it.  It got a lot better though but it still comes out at times. Thank you for the reminder, but mind not pointing it out like that next time? I have some shame around this habit of mine really considering how achingly long it took to get this far and more criticism really isn't helping.

I'd go argue that at times logic and emotion can be both more honest at certain times. Both give certain lessons the other does not.  My mom did not abuse me arguing me out of logic — she abused me with pure erratic emotional shouting, paranoia and being overly clingy in her relationship with me. And I saw my logic as a rejection of that — allowing more clarity in decisions and mental discipline in my life.

While too much of it as bad and I'm working on that, logic is why I've come this far — the right logic. The logic that respects and works with emotions as a partner — like a judge who uses his right judgement of the head with the compassionate motivations of the heart to serve the people in court. The logic that is not just knowledgable, but wise. The logic that that does not overcomplicate, but simplifes. Accuracy was king and first hand knowledge was its queen.

The logic I ideally look for is not the harmful one you think of. If logic is a trigger for you, then being emotional can be a trigger for me — I don't want to become what my mom was, you see.

Not trying to start a fight here — just wanted to communicate my point of view here. You are free to have your own.

. .

Thanks Hope for the hug. Here's one back. 

[sanmagic7]

d.r., i'm impressed.  really. very powerful posts.  i think there's a warrior woman hiding behind that shy facade.

first, absolutely listening - you're so very worth listening to.  you have some wonderful insights, both inward and outward. 

second, i totally get why you'd start crying when you read that passage.  sounds like it was mirroring parts of your own life, parts that took pieces of you from you, and frightened you.  i understand why you'd shy away from emotions - scared of re-creating your mom's emotional dysfunction.

third, i think it was great that you were able to ask for what you need - to be listened to - and also to put out boundaries for yourself.   i remember you saying before that you used to think being hard on yourself was the way to go, but now are convinced that nurturing and kindness is a more direct route to healing for you. 

i'm glad you decided to take the chance and come back sooner than expected.  you have a wonderful voice, one that deserves to be heard as well as listened to.  sending you a warm, loving hug filled with all kinds of smiles.  i'm smiling now, for you and what you've shown us.

[woodsgnome]

Decimal Rocket wrote: "Sorry, woodsgnome, if I triggered you there." You most certainly did not trigger me--the word did. Honestly, I have so many words that might trigger me, including some very surprising ones, that the list would run dozens of pages. Some of my triggers are very commonly used terms.

I thought of pulling that post, realizing it didn't fully reflect where you might be coming from, and in the end it's your recovery journal anyway, and I shouldn't interject like that. But I did, made my jibe at how logic can be used against someone (it was major with me...the abusers tried to look so logical, and some of them were 'pillars' of the community).

I'm right with you when it comes to the ideal use of logic. While the word itself can throw me for a loop, I concur that it has good uses and am saddened when it falls off the mark of contributing positively, as it's supposed to, in an ideal manner. Like you, I like the ethical and wise use of logic, but experienced the pitfalls of those who misused it often and it hurt when that happened. That I still carry that hurt is still a huge obstacle for me. In person, I've been known to visibly wince just hearing the word.

My response to your entry was more of a faux pas and I was bone tired when I wrote it. It was off the mark per what you wrote, but the trigger word was there and it rattled my foggy brain, I guess. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

I feel exactly like sanmagic7 has expressed it, though--you are being listened to; and I concur that it's impressive to see you cast off the doubts that anyone cares and your writing in your own eloquent fashion. I find that impressive, and I look forward to seeing more.            

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San!

I don't really know what else to say but thank you. I really appreciate you being a regular reader to me — it's nice to know there's someone who knows me throughout the journaling process really.

W.G, nice that we're able to have common ground here. I was worried I did something wrong by replying what I said here. It's a shame you're still hurt by the past. I understand how it could make you more irritable. I can be like that at times too when I'm too emotionally burdened.

Thanks for these kind words. 

.....

I get the obvious ideas of who's at fault here — in bullying, in rape, in murder, etc. But I don't really seem to ever get the subtle rules of who's at fault when I watch and read fiction or about other's real lives— even if I've been doing this my entire life.

I've seen people argue who is a more dislikable person or a more likable person. Who is ungrateful and who's not being appreciated enough. Who is being selfish or an actual victim. Who is being rude and who is being assertive. There were emotions and motivations in characters I didn't notice were there. Subtleties in facial expression other people seem to easily see that I don't.

I want to get people but I don't get people. Maybe someday I'll get those discussions someday and join them for once. Right now — all I get is that both parties should listen to each other's views and communicate what they want to say in a respectful manner from social skills books I've read.

What I found out is that you don't seem to need to read facial expressions well or read between the lines to know that people like to be listened to. And for communicating? I had a lot of trauma made from never communicating what I wanted. The idea that I have the right to speak allows some removal of the emotional burdens I've had in me for a long time. I've always thought that people wouldn't believe me or care but many do.

Lots of people are strange. They seem to understand those complicated things but don't seem to get this simpler thing. Am I missing something here?

Eh.  Maybe that's all I need to understand for now.

[Sceal]

Communication is super complex and interessting. It has so many factors involved. Such as what we want to convey, how we say it, and what we actually say. The way it is said, and how the other person hears it and percieves it out from their knowledge of the subject. Not to mention the emotions that are present at the time of the conversation, the setting, the language and body language... There's so much! There's no wonder most of us feels lost in translation alot of the time. I think "regular" people also feels lost a lot of the time, they just know how to fake it better. Or are better at small talk.

When I was growing up I felt so incredible disconnected from people. I couldn't understand the ways they were thinking, it was so illogical - and I couldn't connect with them emotionally or intellectually. It's been years since I've thought about it, but I guess I kind of grew out of it. Or maybe I started focusing on other things, or learning how to act in certain situation and just accept that sometimes things are just utterly weird and makes no sense...

I've noticed something though, I think the main reason why people are unable to listen properly to others is that they are generally more interessted in saying out loud what they are thinking/have discovered/their experience on the topic - and when both or multiple parties does this miscommunication happen.

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r., do you have emotions?  are they at the fore for you?  do you know what you're feeling at the time?

i'm only asking because some of the things you've said, like learning everything, being logical, not being able to read a person's face as to what they might be communicating somewhat mirrors my own life.  have you ever heard of alexithymia?  there is a TAS-20 test online - the toronto alexithymic scale - that i've taken that showed me so much about myself.  maybe you'd like to check it out.

i'm not saying you have it, only that it's something i have and now understand.  a few of your statements rang bells for me.  maybe it's part of those subtleties you don't get.

and, no, i don't think  you have to know all these things, but it's cleared up a lot of confusion for me as to why i didn't.   if it's not something you want to follow up on, that's ok, too.  it was suggested to me on this forum when i was struggling with not being in touch with my emotions.    sending you a big hug full of care and love.