Fear of Using My Voice *trigger warning - physical abuse*

[Phoebes]

I've noticed whenever important and difficult things need to be said, I freeze. My throat closes and I can't say what I need to say. When I have actually tried, a big jumble comes out. Often not even what I wanted to say and often not strongly enough. I feel like this is a major reason for my depression.

From a very early age I was not allowed the tiniest bit of voice. If I started to "back talk", I got slapped, or as soon as I'd try to speak my mom would snap "AHH" while shooting daggers. The daggers that came before and with the belt. As a teen, the same daggers came. As a teen there were many things I had to say and felt, and when I said ANY of my feelings I was shut down. I simply was not allowed a voice, a stance, my own opinion or way. I could not even get out a sentence. I got the daggers, grounding, or just plain degradation.

Come to think of it, in the infamous last conversation that forced me to choose NC with my Nm, it was the same thing. My sentences were cut off. She would not let me get out what I needed to say, and now she has twisted what I had partially said and goes with THAT. HER made up twisted scenario. Because I could not get out what I needed to say.

I'm sorry if this sounds whiney. I'm really struggling with this now. I need to say some things to my dad, who is still quick to try to shut me down, and definitely never listens. I'm already VLC, and NC with others. I'm sure it's leading to NC if he won't listen.

I feel like this is no way to live. I can't be like this forever. But how, having never had a voice, does one just "get one". It's like saying "just be happy" or "just don't let it bother you", and being over something. It's not even mental, shutting down is a physical reaction to speaking.

One last thing about it..when I was in 3rd grade, I had been shut down so much I could barely speak to my teachers. I knew the answers, but looked down and could not speak. I mumbled, if anything. I got put in speech class for mumbling, and they took me out of art, the thing I loved. The one time the speech teacher was absent, I got to go to art, and I was so happy. I drew an elephant from a picture, and I remember everyone gathering around at the end of class saying "you didn't draw that, you traced it. You're lying!" and the teacher hung it on the wall. That was the only day I got to go to art, and the only thing I got to do in speech was say "a.e.i.o.u" non stop for 30 minutes while the teacher left the room to talk to other people. She threatened me if I stopped, so I sat there alone saying my vowels, over and over, for 30 minutes each week instead of art. I didn't have a speech impediment, I was ridiculed and abused into being afraid to speak. I saw all of this as my fault at the time though.

[Phoebes]

*more possible triggers*

Another thing this brings up for me is how in elementary school, why did the teachers not have a clue what was going on at home? Knowing what I know now, there were very obvious and ongoing signs that I was abused. However, I still had teachers who abused me.

I was responsible and made straight A's, so I was chosen to be a student patrol. I was waiting on a bench by the office in the morning for my mentor patrol to get to school. So when the beloved 5th grade teacher (older man) came through the doors he snapped at me and yelled "what are you doing in the hall young lady?!!" I was shocked and frozen. He was the "nice" teacher everyone loved, I had only ever seen smiles, but here he was in private and out of earshot of anyone with me yelling at me with a rageful face. I froze and tried to answer, quivering, and he yanked me up by the arm and spanked me with his hand on my bottom ALL THE WAY DOWN THE HALL to the cafeteria door and said in a mean voice "THAT's where you belong!"

Instead of crying, or telling anyone, I quivered into his classroom at lunch and could barely get the words out "please don't tell my mom". He looked at me smiling and said "I don't know what you're talking about".

This was the teacher of the year, the district teacher of the year, and most beloved teacher by all. The only man teacher in the school besides the coach. He is dead now or I would like to tell him what he did to me. I found his obituary which was signed by hundreds of adoring students and family members. But of course, he was mean to ME. I saw it as he was ONLY mean to me. And I deserved that. My mom was only mean to me, and I deserved that. It was very messed up.

This is a rambly journal I know. I  am just trying to piece together why I literally physically cannot speak when I need to. Things that clearly are right and up to me to defend myself. Is there a type of therapy that can override the pathways in my brain that clearly are affected?

[Phoebes]

One last note about the experience with the male teacher in elementary. The next year in 5th grade, we were in the big kids hall, the year everyone waits for, the fun year of getting to be the oldest, get to go on  the field trip, and I got the teacher right across the hall from the male teacher. I remember EVERYONE wanted him as their teacher. Everyone LOVED him. I was PETRIFIED to be across the hall from him and hoped and prayed he didn't recognize or remember me. Not because I knew he abused me, but because he would see me as that BAD kid he had to spank. I was afraid he would catch me alone and do it again.

Every time we lined up in the hall, went to recess or lunch, any time our paths would cross, I would strategically duck and hide behind other kids, look the opposite way, hoping he would never recognize me. He never said a word to me all year. All the while hearing all of these praises for him all year from everyone else. The most beloved. All the while putting on a smiley happy face at all times, no matter the abuse happening at home, before school, after school and everything in between. Those years in mid to latter elementary were the years the physical abuse became the worst at home. Teachers were often my safe place, even if they really didn't notice me or pay attention or rarely speak to me. I took the scraps. I thought the scraps were awesome and a big deal. I just wanted to not be in danger.

[Dee]

I too grew up without a voice.  I was not allowed to talk back, not allowed to interrupt.  Adults don't like little kids around.  I was also trained to do whatever I was told and not allowed to question anything.  It set me up, to be sure.  That is emotional abuse on top of everything.  I am working now to learn to use my voice.  I work to not be silenced.  It's really hard for me to speak out and I struggle with it.  At least I know that I have that right.  I also freeze sometimes, but I am working on that as well.  I can honestly say while not assertive, I am no longer the passive person that entered therapy.

[Phoebes]

That's great, Dee! What kinds of things does your T help you do in this area?

[Dee]

It went slow at first.  She had me read the book "Boundaries - Where You End and I Begin."  Then we started about when I am on the spot.  She had to spell it out for me.  Never answer a request right away.  Tell the person you will get back to them.  If an answer is demanded, it is always no.  I can go back and change it if I desire.  That saved me so many times.  She really had to tell me what to say, but not any longer.

Then she had me practice in safe places.  Little things like saying what my likes and dislikes are.  The hardest one for me was when she encouraged me to file a restraining order against my stalker.  That was using my voice in a big way.  We often go back through situations where I went silent.  We brainstorm how I may handle it differently in the future and sometimes how I can revisit the topic.  Also, I rehearse situations that are coming up with her.  This way I am better prepared and more confident to speak.

Hope this helps!

[Phoebes]

Thank you! I need to find a good T once and for all. All I have tried were not good for me. The last one, I had asked her very specifically about CPTSD, trauma, NPD, etc..she insured she knew about all of that, etc but in reality she didn't and was also bizarre and manipulative. So again, I am without T. My insurance doesn't apply to many good or experienced ones. Mostly groups with very green T's, none of which have CPTSD or trauma in their repetoir.

[ah]

I can relate... when I was a kid I was made to ask permission to speak. I had to stand up like a soldier and stare at nothing and say without expression "requesting permission to speak", sometimes it'd be given and other times not, or I had to wait for it or else. It's torture for me to speak now as an adult. I always end up feeling so terrified, so voiceless.
People want you to speak up but it feels so incredibly dangerous to me.

Just today I was stunned to see how strong my fear is of speaking. I talked to people on skype and as we hung up, I was feeling unwanted, disliked, disgusting, worthless... that I had wasted their time. Then less than a minute later, two of them emailed me to continue the conversation, as though they appeared to have enjoyed talking to me. I was so shocked I was again speechless

I don't know how to get a voice either but one thing I've been trying lately is to speak to myself. Sounds a bit silly, I guess. But it helps. I start with a word or a sentence and try to associate on from there, to analyze what I'm thinking and feeling about something specific. I look at it from different angles out loud. No one can hear me (thank god! I'd be petrified) but it helps a bit.

As for your teacher, he sounds dangerous. I bet he hurt more students than we could count in the exact same manner, all charismatic lovable smiles on the outside with cruelty when there were no witnesses. His enjoyment when you showed pain really broke my heart.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh, Phoebes. My heart physically aches to read all of this, how terrible it is...
I really understand how you feel though. I don't have much of a voice either, am only recently now starting to stand up for myself for things. People would ask me; "Why don't you just tell me how you feel?" and I always respond with "Because I'm afraid to bother you". If I ever told my FOO how I felt, they'd firstly dismiss me, then tell me what I'm feeling (or at least what they believed I was feeling) - which would usually be completely far from the truth. Or if I suggested something they would say how terrible it is, how they're so completely right all the time. And they wonder why I never talk to them. :\ Why I don't talk to anyone. (sigh)

[Phoebes]

man, ah..that makes me angry for you. That is horrible. What sadistic fools, making a child say that. I often feel like you in that I've never internalized that I am wanted or important. I always feel like a bother, and like people don't like me and are annoyed by my presence. Then, if they ever say something like I was missed, I feel surprised and kind of in disbelief.

Aphotic, yes. That is what happens (well, happened) at home, and still would if I went around there. I am completely discounted by all family members, except my brother who is pretty supportive. I remember my mom totally degrading me, telling me I was stupid and had no right to think I cared so much for my high school boyfriend. We were "just kids" so I "needed to get over it and let it go." Then later in adulthood when I told her why we had broken up, she looked at me with a pained, victimish face and said "well why didn't you TELL me!" It was so bizarre to the point I remember it clearly to this day. I felt frozen to say well I tried to tell you and you shut me down and berated me. Oh no, that sort of truthful response has never flown.

I still think the bottom line of why I find it so hard to speak was the frequent slapping, and cutting off from being allowed, from an early age. It seems more physiological, like I literally can't move my mouth. When she brought up her parenting in order to say she never laid a hand on me, I did correct her and say, "uh. no, that is a lie-you slapped, whipped, spanked, you name it, on a continual basis" and she flipped out, raged, changed the subject and basically told me to get over myself. That was one of the comments leading to NC. Ah, I think I'm glad I'm NC. 

[I like vanilla]

Wow! Phoebes  I feel like you peeked into my brain and wrote my tale. Thank you for having the courage to post this topic.

I too had my voice stolen from me. I am still working on getting it back. I am getting better, finding my voice and practising regularly to get more of it back. I am fortunate that I have been at it long enough that I do not always notice anymore when I am assertive, and also that I have a couple close friends and a good T who will point out progress and celebrate with me. Recognizing that I am far from an expert on the topic, and that no one strategy will work for every person, but that I have been at it for a while so have had a chance to scope out the territory a bit and practise a lot, I have put down a few points on what has helped me. From your comments you seem open to ideas, but please use, tweak, or totally disregard any or all of the points below as best suits your and your circumstances:

• I too found the book Boundaries - Where You End and I Begin tremendously helpful
• I also just finished and gave a five-star review to The Assertiveness Guide for Women by Julie de Azevedo Hanks
  - this is a solid resource that rather than giving 'say x in the face of y' advice, Hanks leads the reader to discover our own attachment and communication styles, and to get to know what we really need and want (because without that knowing, how can we ask for it)
  -Hanks empowers the reader by first helping us to build a firm foundation to stand on so that we have a solid place from which to use our voices
• I started by practising 'easy' (OK, relatively easy), fairly low-stakes communications. E.g. politely asking a waiter for a glass of water at a restaurant. E.g. Saying a happy good morning to the cashier ringing in my groceries. E.g. Asking someone at the train station for the time or confirmation that I was waiting at the right track (even if I knew I was at the right place)
• Recognizing that I could not ask for what I needed or wanted because I had no idea what that was (part of the reason Hanks' book resonated with me and how I chose my OOTF username) I started trying new things to find out more about myself. I take classes at community centres, participate in a volunteer group, eat at different places for lunch - both different restaurants and different places (parks, the cafeteria, etc.) to take my packed lunch, trying new genres of books at the library, etc.
  -if I enjoy the experience, I continue with it; if not, I let it go and try something new (sometimes too I enjoy something but get what I need from it and still move on)
• For me, taking a women's self-defence course was tremendously helpful - NOT a martial arts class - but one centred on helping women use their strengths to protect themselves
  -in this class we learned the importance of assertiveness and literally practised saying and shouting 'NO!' long before we learned the physical manoeuvres
  -Now, when all else fails I just say 'no'; even when it makes no sense in the context of the conversation, I say 'no'. That helps reset my brain and remind me I am allowed to be assertive
• One thing that surprised me (though maybe shouldn't have) was how much of my voice I have gained, literally, in joining a community choir.
  -In my case, it is a women's choir, and important to me had no auditions as I did not even know if I could sing
  -I am fortunate as this is a group that is fairly casual and jokes around a lot, is accepting and welcoming of new members, and which also has an expectation that we will practise at home in order to make good music together
  -i.e. you might have to shop around a bit to find a group with the right 'fit' for you
  
• I am considering trying a stand-up comedy/improv course in the new semester, but might not as I find that terrifying
  -choir too, was terrifying when I started...
• I am trying to do more things that scare me, though sometimes do not have the courage  or must work up to having the courage
• I have also, and still do, find practising in front of the mirror helps
  -I use this tactic when I must, for example, make a presentation or lead an agenda item at a work meeting.
  -I also use it to help me in more general interactions. For example, when I have an upcoming meeting (with no presentation) I stand in front of the mirror practise saying phrases like 'I think Sally has a good idea', 'I agree with Bob about x', or if I am feeling really brave (or reckless), even 'I agree with Bob on x but think we might also need to consider y'.
  -I do not always end up using these phrases, but when appropriate I try and make one appropriate comment at a meeting, especially when it helps add to the positive energy of the group (generally safer than constructive criticism)
• I try to practise mindfulness -  by having a better sense of what I am thinking and feeling, I have a better sense of what I need and want
  -I literally pause regularly throughout the day and ask myself 'what am I feeling right now?' both in my feelings and in my body (my current T taught me this trick)
  -I am not always sure what to do with that information, but find it is useful to have it. E.g. 'I am feeling resentment because Bob took all of credit for the project that we worked on together.' I might not know how to deal with the situation, but at least I know that the bad feeling comes from Bob's action rather than my inner flaws, and I can then also (usually) refrain from snapping at the next person who speaks to me (except maybe Bob). I can then also ask a friend, a trusted colleague, or people on this board for input on what to do if I am at a loss.
  
• I try to keep track of progress and celebrate milestones.
  -E.g. when I first started practising expressing myself and being assertive, I bought a beautiful wall calendar and a bunch of stickers from the dollarstore. Then, I had a goal that each day I would express myself, use my voice, in someway: wishing the cashier good morning, asking for the time, agreeing with Bob at a meeting, complimenting a coworker on her pendant, etc.
  -Each day that I used my voice, I would put a sticker on the calendar. For big communications (perhaps disagreeing with Bob at the meeting) I would put on a big, fancy sticker. When I got 25 stickers (then 50, then 100 as I got better at it) I would reward myself with a walk in the big park (which I must take the bus to), a trip to the ice cream store for a small sundae, a new book (often from the 50 cent table at the library), etc.
  -Now, the day-to-day has become more routine but I still celebrate the milestones, especially when it was a difficult interaction, such as being assertive with my #$#@ boss, disagreeing with a friend, etc.

Really, practise, practise, practise. Unfortunately, that is the only way of gaining one's voice - practise. That, and getting to know your Self - what you think, what you want, what you like, how you feel, what you need, etc. The good news is that it really does get easier with practice.

I try to keep in mind the advice my first T gave me - 'it's better to assert yourself badly than not at all'. Of course, he meant assert rather than aggress. I started asserting myself by stumbling over my words, like you tumbling out a clump of ideas that do not make sense and often was not what I meant, etc. - I still do that sometimes. But my T at the time (and my current T actually) reassured me and congratulated me that I had tried. Now, with practice I am better at it but still do have stumbling moments (just as I am getting better with my singing but was not so great when I started and still do have times when I just cannot get the right notes). Now, I focus on the fact that I gave my best effort rather than whether or not I 'succeeded' in the conversation (e.g. whether or not I got agreement from the other person). So, when I have the difficult talk with my @#@$#@$ boss, my friend will ask 'how did it go?' and I will say 'badly, but I still get points for trying'. She agrees and congratulates me on keeping my cool and remaining assertive (or as much as I could in the circumstances).

I also keep in mind the advice of my current T and regularly ask myself 'how am I feeling right now?'. Sometimes I need to take a step back and figure it out. I have learned that it is OK to say to someone 'please let me think about that and get back to you' to give myself that space - Marti Olsen Laney in her excellent book The Introvert Advantage suggests that strategy, which I had not even known was an option before reading the book, but which I have employed somewhat successfully since. I have also found that if someone is aggressive or negative in response then that clues you in on who they are as a person (keeping in mind that sometimes they say no because they have been surprised by a newly-imposed deadline themselves).

Phew! This came out longer than expected, when really at the end of the day the take away messages are finding my voice seems, for me, to have been about knowing my Self better, and practising using my voice when I can. Also, that when I started out on this particular part of my journey I literally had no voice - I too would freeze and say nothing or would give the softest of whispers that I could not even hear myself (the whispering is still something I am working on, though at least now I know it is a flag I feel strongly about the issue). I have been practising finding and using my voice for a few years now. It does get easier with practice, and I still do stumble and lose my voice sometimes, but it is rewarding too. Where before people walked all over me, now I use my voice to say 'no' and to teach them how I would like to be treated. I use my voice to say 'I would like to have that' and 'I need that'. I do not always get what I want or need, and sometimes people do still try to take advantage of me (and occasionally still do). I must be honest and say the process is scary and can be painful, but overall I am finding that it has been worth the energy, emotions, and effort. Enough so that I plan to keep trying and to never turn back.

We survived our childhoods. So, we know that we have the strength to do this too; in in this case, we actually get something of great benefit from it.

[Blueberry]

I haven't read all the posts on this thread, it's too much for me, but I feel for you all who have lost your voices.

I do have a voice, but sometimes it is almost inaudible. And I've had 'gunge' aka slime in my throat since the age of 6, which is the age at which things got really bad. Sometimes it's no longer there, result of therapy and healing. Sometimes it's back. I'm more aware now of when I'm swallowing when somebody asks me something. A swallowing motion instead of speaking up.

I was allowed to speak as a child, but I was often shut up or told how stupid I was. Mostly all ways of expressing myself were belittled. Sometimes they weren't, which was quite confusing. Didn't have anything to do with the intrinsic value of what I was expressing, it was more to do with family dynamics, how other people in FOO were doing etc.

[Phoebes]

I like vanilla, I responded to you in the other thread and then realized you were responding here. Spooky! Thank you so much for all of this! It made me realize, I have done some of these things..I just don't stay consistent or work with a T or really think I have made progress, when really I have made some small steps. There are circumstances, like with my dad, and like with performance, that I shrink, and can't speak, or preform in any way. I used to be an athlete, and I think part of why I loved it so much was I was good at it, I felt in charge of what I was doing and capable of being successful. Plus, it was so much fun. But, after injuries, I don't really participate in that anymore, and I have realized how it really saved me for much of my life. Now that I'm not an athlete I'm kind of lost.

But, thanks so much. I'm going to refer to this list and keep a journal of my communications, and really try to internalizing that it's ok if it doesn't come out perfect, as long as I try.