Bad psychiatrists

[Fen Starshimmer]

Blueberry - I am sorry you had to go through that. Good name: intellectual abuse. I privately use the term 'intellectual terrorism' for those times when, as a child, there was no way I could defend myself against words twisted and hammered at me like weapons, like prosecuting lawyers do in court except usually towards adults. I think we need these terms to validate our experience, remind ourselves that it wasn't/isn't normal or acceptable behaviour for parents.

Hi BlancaLap - Sorry to hear they've already done that  There's no question, you're intelligent... looking for a way out of this toxic situation at home. Was wondering whether you'd thought of approaching a youth charity in your area. Some can offer housing advice eg YMCA which I think is international. There must be a way out of this 

[sanmagic7]

supporting you, blanca, in whatever decision you make.  do you have a job, maybe start saving for a place?  find some friends to move in with?   having this kind of 'intellectually abusive' hold on you is a horrible thing.  wishing you all the best. 

there is no doubt of your intelligence, and i think labelling you as being mentally ill is just another way to keep you under their power.  so very sorry for your situation.   i hope you're able to get free of it as soon as possible.  warm caring hug to you.

[BlancaLap]

Thank you all for your support. I'm don't have a job, but I've already recorded some videos... so if the abuse begins again I have something to defend myself with. What I know is that what happens in my house is not normal despite what my parents say and I would not endure more abuse... it is just... that the abuse has ceased (due that I show no emotions anymore, but I know that's not the answer), because my parents (and my aunts and grandparents) get really mad at me when I'm "sad" or I don't want to talk to them or leave the house because of that, so... I "act" like everything is ok, but it is exhausting. Anyway, I'm waiting a meeting I have with some psychologist and psychiatrist to discuss my situation and with a bit of luck they are not like the psychiatrist I have already talked to you about... Wish me luck!

[Blueberry]

Wish me luck!

Definitely!
Because the way you are living isn't really living. It's doing what you need to do atm to survive, but you deserve an actual life where you can be who you are with your feelings and desires and wishes and go on from there ... which just isn't possible surrounded by a FOO as unhealthy as yours and mine. hope a  is good support for now.

[BlancaLap]

Exactly! And thank you. Wish you support too

[ah]

 

Your situation may be totally different from mine, but in the last few years that I was still in touch with my psychopath father and most of my FOO, I showed them less and less emotion. This didn't mean there was any less abuse though, I just knew being authentic was too dangerous, I knew if I showed any pain I'd instantly be punished for it. Well, what a twisted way to treat a person...

It was an experiment in a way, I tried talking to them without showing emotions to test what effect it would have, but it still didn't seem to improve things to a sane degree where I felt communicating with them was anywhere near what I'd call normal, so that was a big step toward No Contact eventually.

In my experience, when you're feeling you can't be yourself - especially when you're abused and you're being gaslighted and told to act as though none of it is happening - you dissociate a lot. It's the most natural, normal, sane thing your mind can do to keep you as safe as possible. It's a sign that your environment is crazy. 

When you're in a safer environment, when you can be yourself more fully, it can change - dissociation can let go and you can have more and more alternatives.
Still, it'll probably be a survival mechanism that keeps coming to your rescue... when dissociation hits me very hard, I let it. Till recently I've always been so mad at myself for "losing control again" whenever I dissociated badly, but I now think I was being overly harsh. It's there to protect me, even if I dislike it very much. I've been trying to respect it, to be grateful for the hard work it's been doing my whole life to take care of me. It's a constant power in me that's always had my best interests at heart, comforting in a way.

I'm sending you all my strength and a lot of love.

[BlancaLap]

Thank you ❤  I'm happy to hear that you don't have contact with your father anymore, I wish that was my reality too. I have a feeling that the reason I'm stuck in my dissociation is because my parents (like you said), and that I will not be able to reconect with myself until I go to live by myself.
Good luck with your recovery!

[sanmagic7]

blanca, i truly wish you luck with the new professionals.  hopefully, you'll be getting some positive information, validation, and support.

sending a hug filled with care and love.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks, send you too a big hug!

[BlancaLap]

Just commenting, that I barely remember that day when I met my father's friend the psychiatrist, but when I try to remember what happened, I get so sick I have to stop. I cannot help but think that it was some sort of traumatic, the feeling that they have so much power over me that they can do whatever they want no matter what if I don't behave like they want me to behave, that they can take away my freedom... with the excuse that they are doing "what is best for me", that they are "helping me", even though by law the can't... and I get so angry at thinking that I could have recorded the whole conversation if the device had worked... I think I now have some sort of distrust against psychiatrists, and I kinda wanna left thos behind, stop going to the psyquiatrist, stop taking medication... I mean, if the people that are supposed to help me traumatize me, why should I go to them? Why would I wanna even be in the same room with them? I don't know what to do. Is the medication worth it? Does it really help? Because I have some serious problems due to the medication... like I haven't had my period in more than a year, I have liquid issues, I have memory issues, concentration issues... What do you think?

[Blueberry]

Just commenting, that I barely remember that day when I met my father's friend the psychiatrist, but when I try to remember what happened, I get so sick I have to stop. I cannot help but think that it was some sort of traumatic,

IME when something was so bad that I can hardly remember it but I get sick or other physical symptoms or even something like an EF when I try to think about it or remember what happened, then it was something pretty traumatic. From what you described of the situation with your parents and the doc, it could well have been re-traumatising, at least from my lay person's point of view.

I think I now have some sort of distrust against psychiatrists, and I kinda wanna ... stop going to the psyquiatrist, stop taking medication... I mean, if the people that are supposed to help me traumatize me, why should I go to them?

I can understand that you might feel that way. But there are some good docs out there. IME it's worth your while to find one. FWIW I've searched, not had luck so given up, then tried again, had some success, given up again later when turned out not so good or if just no longer good. Sometimes docs and therapists / counsellors can be good for part of our healing journey, but not for ever. (Obviously psych friend of your father's is no good at all.) So IME: keep trying to find a psych when you have the impulse or energy to do so.

Is the medication worth it? Does it really help? Because I have some serious problems due to the medication... like I haven't had my period in more than a year, I have liquid issues, I have memory issues, concentration issues... What do you think?

I'm not too experienced with medication. I have Citalopram, presently just 15mg daily, though used to be 30mg, and I've never had side-effects that I know of. Some of the rumours that float around among patients - like anti-depressants numb your feelings - aren't true apparently. At least that's what my psych said: Citalopram doesn't belong to that category of meds. I'd believed those rumours. Psych said 'No'.

There were times, in fact lots of times, when I had no period. I've heard of this for other women too who have CPTSD or even 'just' depression. I've never heard of it being connected to meds, though it could be. I don't know enough about it.
Memory and concentration problems are both possible symptoms of CPTSD. I'm not sure what you mean by 'liquid issues'. I used to have urinary incontinence and in fact still do occasionally when everything becomes 'too much'. So if that's what you mean, it's not connected to medication in my case either, it's another symptom of CPTSD.

HOpe some of this is useful, if not, ignore.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks for your replie. By liquid issues I mean liquid retention (retención de líquido), I don't know how to say it in english.
By the concentration issues, sure I have had them all my life and I'm sure it is because of C-PTS, but i only had them during class, in school, when stress was at it's top, but not when i studied in my house. Now I can't even study in my house either... but you're right, I'm not 100% sure it is because of the medication, I just assume (except for the liquid issues, I know they are because of the medication: due to omanzapine).

[OrinIncandenza]

 I've had many over the years but one in particular stands out. When I was about 20, I overdosed on Klonopin and was hospitalized for a week as a result. When I was released, I went to see my psychiatrist. She asked me what I'd been taking in the hospital and chided me for not being able to remember all of the names. Then she cut me off as I was asking about her thoughts on what to do next and delivered a mini lecture on how irresponsible I was for overdosing and having trouble with memory. She concluded her speech by saying she could no longer treat me because my behavior was too erratic (I came to understand later that it was likely motivated by liability concerns) and as I was walking out of her office she told me to "stop being goofy." I was stunned but didn't know what to say in response so I walked out.

Sad thing is, the next psychiatrist defended her decision and only expressed mild surprise at what she said. Like if you heard a pilot crack a PG-13 joke about the mile high club right before takeoff. Sometimes I think mental health professionals are the last people on earth who should be tasked with the duties of their professions. I've found good ones, but many seem disinterested in people and distrusting and dismissive of their patients.

[BlancaLap]

I've had many over the years but one in particular stands out. When I was about 20, I overdosed on Klonopin and was hospitalized for a week as a result. When I was released, I went to see my psychiatrist. She asked me what I'd been taking in the hospital and chided me for not being able to remember all of the names. Then she cut me off as I was asking about her thoughts on what to do next and delivered a mini lecture on how irresponsible I was for overdosing and having trouble with memory. She concluded her speech by saying she could no longer treat me because my behavior was too erratic (I came to understand later that it was likely motivated by liability concerns) and as I was walking out of her office she told me to "stop being goofy." I was stunned but didn't know what to say in response so I walked out.

Sad thing is, the next psychiatrist defended her decision and only expressed mild surprise at what she said. Like if you heard a pilot crack a PG-13 joke about the mile high club right before takeoff. Sometimes I think mental health professionals are the last people on earth who should be tasked with the duties of their professions. I've found good ones, but many seem disinterested in people and distrusting and dismissive of their patients.

My last T also defended this post's T's behaviour. He said he knew him and he was sure he had a good reason to behave like he did. It felt so bad... I'm sorry, you're right, some people shouldn't be in the position of Ts. Maybe they have the master, but they lack in empathy and understanding.

[BlancaLap]

They can't lock you up in a hospital unless there are real grounds for this, e.g. you're threatening suicide with intent or you are so dissociated that you've lost contact with the real world (which happened to me once).

My parents' behaviour was the one that made me dissociate to the extreme and get stuck in there, because they made me feel I was in danger. I told him that, and what was his response? Try to lock me in the hospital. When I asked him why, he told me because I was dissociated. It was like: you should make me feel more safe to help no, not became a threat!

I don't know... but I know one thing: if you are dissociated, they should know it is because you feel in danger and try to help you, I mean, they are the Ts, they should know that, so, why make you feel more in danger?