Camille's Journal (TW)

[sanmagic7]

i also know, personally,  what it's like to be hated, thru no fault of my own (or yours) except for the mere fact of my existence.  even in the world picture, i am hated by many for the fact that i'm american.  it's an absolute shame that this happens, and i wish it hadn't happened to you, especially to the point that you now have to categorize people.   that's just awful.

i'm so mad that people find that kind of outlet for their own issues.  it totally sucks.

camille, i can't tell you how glad i am to hear that you had a friendly conversation with someone at work.  that's the best news i've heard today.  i hope it continues.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie. 

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, it can be very difficult to trust people after trauma. I can deeply relate. But i'm glad you're taking steps with at least someone who looks nice.

[camille13512]

Hi San and Decimal, sorry it took me so long to reply to your kind words.
I have been through some rough periods since the beginning this year. I couldn't bring myself up back to the website, and just feared that whatever i was going to say was not going to be nice or help anyone. There was shame and guilt, and sometimes bursts of outer critic that scared me.
So I waited, till I felt I could post something decent. So here it is.

I have a deep fear about driving and cars. There is no obvious reason to me. I guess I am just simply terrified by the speed of a car. I failed the road tests twice in a row, and couldn't bring myself to try again for nine years. I have been relying on other people and public transportations to go to other places. Everyone keeps telling me that I should try again, otherwise I am a burden to myself and people around me. I prepared the documents at the end of last year, and thought I could overcome the fear. I didn't. It took me another two months to gather the courage again. Today I went there. It was a bit overwhelming to be sandwiched in crowds but I passed the written test. I still need to recharge my courage and contact a driving school to actually learn it properly, but this is a big enough step for me that I feel justified to post it here.

Sorry for just going off line suddenly without a word. I expect a bumpy roads ahead, so I may just disappear again, and I won't be able to predict when and why. But to everyone that has paused at my post and/or reply something back, I am really really grateful, and I will try to keep up and do something return. I hope this short update can offer something more hopeful for me and anyone who might find it encouraging.
Love,
Camille

[DecimalRocket]

It's alright, Camille. You can come here or not at your own pace. It took me about a year to  feel fully confident about posting my more vulnerable feelings in just online, and I still feel shy to respond to other's posts sometimes here.

You've done a wonderful job with the driving test. It must be really great after all that fear. But you don't need to accomplish something to come here. You're cared for as you are — with all your flaws, struggles, hopes, dreams and fears as a human being.

Because we're human too.

[Blueberry]

It's alright, Camille. You can come here or not at your own pace. ...

You've done a wonderful job with the driving test. It must be really great after all that fear. But you don't need to accomplish something to come here. You're cared for as you are — with all your flaws, struggles, hopes, dreams and fears as a human being.

Because we're human too.

I've been frightened of driving all my life. Eventually I did get a license , but then I drove once and never again! I live in a country where I can get around pretty well without a car. Before I had my license people used to go on and on about me being a burden on other people or how I would be later etc and I couldn't expect to rely on my husband. I don't even have a husband!!

Just recently I was in a car with other people and they were backing down an incline. It wasn't even dangerous, but still I had some sort of visual flashback to something that had been - a near accident on very bad, very steep roads, very bad situation when I was a child. Fortunately, the driver managed to right the situation, not go over the edge. So there could be something like that which you're not remembering?

There are other reasons too for my fear. I've pretty much always been aware of those reasons. They're trauma-related to do with FOO.

I don't think it's OK to tell people that they are a burden! I know the pain of being told that though. 

[camille13512]

Decimal, thank you for validating my posts here. I "know", meaning that I understand that no one will judge me unfairly here, and what pushes me to self sensor is the part in me that produces shame. I still don't know how to overcome it. Most of the time it feels like I am not trying hard enough to reject it. Someone once told me that I cannot "know" without "believe", so if I do not believe that I can exist without proving my worthiness, then I cannot "know" for real what you, Blueberry and others keep telling me. But there is no ground for me to not believe what you said, nor did I even wish to reject it. It seems a problem that should not even be there, yet I always end up in the same place.

Blueberry, maybe you are right that I have some hidden memories, but I don't recall any so there is not a way to find out unless it surfaces again. There is not much public transportation around, but I have been fortunate to live somewhere close to my workplace, so I can avoid driving by walking or taking taxi occasionally, but this lifestyle is not sustainable in general, especially when something unexpected happens. It never feels good when someone straightforward tells me or hints at that I am a burden. There is not necessarily malice behind it, or intended contempt. And the same people are often willing to lend me hand when I ask for help. So I cannot really argue back, as that statement is somewhat true. What prompts me to try again is primarily the realization that there are so many things I cannot do by myself if I cannot drive (some of them become more urgent these days), and I would hate to beg someone again and again. I know begging is not the same as asking for help, but that is how it feels to me every time. The fear should not be anything enough to validate my reluctance in trying, and part of my autonomy will be lost to someone until I get out of it. I am hoping the fear of dependence will override the fear of driving. It sounds a ridiculous plan, but maybe that is how it will work for me for now. Is there a way to feel less scared? Just temporarily so that I can actually make something happen?

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate with knowing something, but not feeling something good. It's crazy how much we invalidate ourselves constantly sometimes. 

I don't know if if applies to you, though it applies to me and many other people based on therapy books I read, that some beliefs have to be affirmed by action. Without real world experience, many of our beliefs are just beliefs, and not knowledge. I healed by allowing myself to act on meeting people over and over again in the right sources and with the right ways, and I gain affirmation on myself over time.

Though, at times, I can't heal with other's affirmations. I can only heal then by affirming myself and recognizing what I know about myself from the trust in myself I gained from others.

Anyway, take your time. These things really do need time after all, so be slow or quick as you like. 

[camille13512]

Decimal, I think you may have hit the point about having experience to "confirm" an idea. Consciously or not, I think I have been searching for "evidence" from people so that I can trust them, and I am also searching for things that make myself feel that I am trustworthy too. There is no good way to say this, and it probably is not good in any sense, but I have been waiting for something bad to happen to me; I don't know what and how, just know that I need to go through it to prove that I am a good enough person, to prove to myself that I earned my existence. I also rely on others' validation to confirm that it is ok for me to be where I am. I lack an internal reference point, and like you said, I will need to learn that. Feeling relaxed or content with myself stands for something dangerous. And the same spreads to how I feel about other people too. As I look back at the beginning of my journal, I am not sure how much progress I have made. I am rather stubbornly refusing to change, or just never overcome the fears. The fears, they are everywhere, filling up every pore every fiber of my being. I still haven't processed the worst experience in my life (the lack of it here), and I wonder whether I will ever be ready.

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I switched T. I liked my old T; she never rushed me even though I would make one step forward and several back frequently. But she is taking a leave and may no longer work here, so I went to the new T she referred me to. We only had two sessions so far, and I think it might work; I just got very tired after summarizing over what my old T and I worked out in the past year within the two sessions. But I am glad that this T agrees with the CPTSD alignment, and we have been talking about the traumas that I have been organizing in my head over and over again. In the last session she said that I need to practice not having to take every reaction from other people as a blame (to me), to not take it personally. I said taking it as a personal blame is like bracing for the worst case scenario. It hurts, but in the case that they do intend to blame me, at least I would have foreseen it and pacify the fire before they burst on me. I don't know what comes first: I need to feel safe to stop using those defensive mechanisms, but if I don't use those tactics I won't feel safe. It is actually kind of funny, because in the end I probably don't feel safe anyway; often after pacifying people with fawning, I just feel the adrenaline drains out and I have survived one more time. So why not try what T and others suggest, just to hold myself down for once and not back off for a change? And ICr will say I am too timid, too weak, too pathetic. It is getting easier to shut it out these days, but it still pokes me. What if it is right.

[camille13512]

Long.
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I am trying to expose myself to more crowds. Some of the trials went ok, some of them felt like a punishment I signed up for myself, and some of them ended up being a failure that I did not know how to fix.

I went to a book club, and people were so relaxed over there that I was awed by the comfortableness in their body language. Even though I felt very much out of the place to be there, I think I would try to stay. Maybe if I see more of how normal people live and talk I will believe that it is possible for me too. Even if it won't, it still serves as a good reminder.

Then there is a local event that looks for volunteer. I signed up last time, so I signed up again, even though I did not like it at all. I am terrible with kids. There were a lot of people last time cramped in a small space, and I had to detach myself from the site to get through the few hours. I think I need to prepare to detach again. I said I would do it because it is a good thing to do (it's about education). But now I am dreading it, and hate myself for dreading it, for not wanting to do something good, for having a genuine goal not enough to motivate myself.

Today I went to a social gathering with a co-worker. It all went well, until I got triggered by someone else, who did not even do anything; my brain just decided that it wanted me to feel nauseated. My flight response was fired and I pretty much walked out on everyone, including the one I went with. I was terribly rude, but now I don't even know what to do. No one said a thing yet, and I feel a complete disaster. Can't even hold myself up for an hour in front of people I am familiar with.

I want to stop the experiment about getting to more social situations. But it would be too much like a give-up. On the other hand the more places I go, higher frequency I will screw things up. My OCr wants me to hate everyone, but I know that all I hate is myself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, camille,

may i suggest something?  maybe you're trying to do too much at a time.  i don't think that backing out of doing something you don't like is a failure.  i think it's a sign that you're beginning to realize and clarify some of your own likes and dislikes, and possibly thinking of making boundaries for yourself.  i don't see any of that as failing, but rather a sort of victory.

i like the way that book group sounds, and i like your thoughts about it, too.  the idea that people felt at ease and comfortable, and you were able to tell that from their body language seems very powerful to me, and certainly something that might be worth being around on a more regular basis.

as far as doing something 'good', i believe that's pretty subjective.  is it actually good if it's something that doesn't fit you, your personality, your energy level, whatever?  i once heard it said that there are people who fit more readily with certain jobs, and those are the ones who need to be doing them.  that doesn't make any judgment, like bad or good, but rather an acknowledgment that we all don't enjoy the same things.

i couldn't be a caretaker for seniors, wouldn't like it, yet one of my roommates works at a senior living center and absolutely loves it.  does that make me bad or her good?  i don't think so.  we all have different personalities, likes, dislikes, favorites, etc., and i think the best thing we can do is align ourselves with our best fit. 

basically, i'm thinking that i hope you don't be hard on yourself because of some irrelevant expectations that people have thrown around.  i can't stand to be in a roomful of kids, would dislike immensely to be in that situation.  yet, i know lots of people who would rather do that than anything else.  we're all so different.  be true to you, camille.  that's something that really is 'good'.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

I agree with San. No need to rush everything, alright? Taking it slow is incredibly important to your healing process. I find with my experiments that when I can take a pause and reflect upon them deeply after taking action, I benefit more. That when I rest before going in again, I feel more motivated to follow through. Force it, and somehow it makes it less motivating.

I find it brave that you're willing to try so hard. You sound deeply hardworking and perseverant, and that could allow you to do a lot of progress. But take care of yourself too, okay?

[camille13512]

San, thank you for the alternative take on the "I don't like kids, does that mean I am not a good person" issue. I know it is probably cliched to think so, but when the event pops up in my email inbox, it feels an obligation to say yes. I suppose it can also be another level of "not being able to say no". I took a break this weekend, did not go anywhere and just remained indoors the whole time. I thought over the event, and I will still go, mostly because they are quite short of people this time, and I don't want to back off on them. If it does not go well for me, then this one is on me, as I made the choice at the beginning without thinking it through. I should learn this lesson and not promise something out of my capability. But thank you for saying that liking kids or not does not determine the "goodness/badness" of my character; my inner child is really happy to hear that.

Decimal, I might be in too much a rush as you and San said. All those things happened within one week. I did absolutely nothing this weekend and slept through half of it. I am feeling a bit calmer now. I might try to limit the trials to once a week or every other week to keep the pace. It's like running; if I stops in the middle, then I may never resume, so I need to keep the momentum somehow. Thank you for saying it is brave; it means a lot to me, because that is usually not how others describe me. 

[sanmagic7]

camille, suddenly it sounds like you've taken some of your power back in making such decisions, and i'm really glad to hear that.  i think that's one of the best things we can do.  and, it is also brave - i agree with d.r. about that.

sounds, also, like you needed that weekend to yourself, by yourself.  yay, you.  i don't think we always realize how fast we've been going until we truly slow down and give ourselves a break.  we can always get back on track when we're ready.

love and hugs, sweetie.  i think you're moving right along.

[camille13512]

Thank you, San. I have been thinking over what you said about "taking some of the power back". Before you mentioned power, I thought I was merely taking some responsibility for my poor decision making process. It is quite counter-intuitive that holding myself accountable somehow helps me regain power instead of losing it. I am used to being shamed for making mistakes, no matter how little it is, and I think I also get scared of responsibility because they are interlinked. But maybe it is not supposed to be linked this way. I don't need to be shameful to fix my mistakes or to make matters better next time. The fear of both is just a very wrong conditioning that I experienced when I was little.

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I went to the volunteering event this weekend. I was paired up with another person, who was very enthusiastic around children, so I actually did not spend as much energy as I had expected. The other volunteer was very patient and helpful (I would say much more than I was). I do notice that her attitude slightly shifted depending on the kids' behavior. I just found it interesting (if not alarming) that my body is so tuned to pick up small inconsistency in human behavior. It is only natural for people to change their responses depending on who they are interacting with; I am pretty sure I do the same thing all the time too.

So why does it still stand out to me? I suppose I have a very weird if not wrong expectation when people say they love kids; the B/W thinking process my brain adopted translates the statement into "I love kids all the time, regardless when, where they are, what they do, who they are", which is obviously not the case and not what people mean. Another part of me also fear that when they claim their love, in reality it only applies to the kids who behave, but how well they behave is judged by the individual adults without a clear guideline, and to me that just does not have any good implications. Seeing the smallest bias on someone who genuinely cares about children kind of builds up my fear, because my brain is actively searching for such evidence. In a sense it is a rather self-fulfilled prophecy. So in the end, I am feeling this impossible mixture of gratefulness toward the other volunteer and a simultaneous urge to stay away (as my body translates inconsistency into danger).

Recently I have been experiencing more often such separation between my feelings/body and reasoning. I can reason with myself how my thinking process has a false assumption; I can even somehow build a conversation between parts of me that don't agree with each other, yet in the end "I" (the part that is feeling the most) will not change its response or thinking. It feels like my mind splits into halves or more with contradicting opinions, and the reasonable part cannot override or persuade the other part that is experiencing and responding. I thought I was getting better (I really hope this does not mean that I am going mad); or maybe this is the kind of hurdle I must overcome to enter the next stage of recovery?

[sanmagic7]

camille, it sounds to me like pos. progress.  confusion, the way i see it, is a time of questioning.  we question what we've done in the past, and question what we want to do going forward.  we can even question what we're doing in the now as well.  it can certainly feel like we're split, but i don't believe it's a sign of madness.  i see it as 'i'm not where i used to be, but i'm not yet where i want to be', and it takes a lot of questioning to resolve that issue.

it also takes time and patience and determination.  it seems you're in transition of sorts, making different sense of what used to be concrete.  getting into the gray areas between the b/w thinking.  that whole thing about 'i love kids', yeah, it has a lot of layers to it.  perhaps you were noticing how the other volunteer responded to different situations because you were in a learning mode.

i think those levels are inherent in any blanket statement.  'i love dogs', for example.  ok, fine, but do you act differently with puppies, with adult dogs, with a dog whose charging you with teeth bared?  absolutely.  do you act differently when playing with a dog rather than with training it?  sure.  and, in the end, maybe you're a cat person and don't like dogs at all.  nothing wrong with that, either.

i think that's the beauty of accepting our individuality.  we don't have to like the same things.  we can accept that individuality both within ourselves and within others.  i don't believe there's something, including the very darkest of things, that everyone will agree on.  we're just us.

i love that you're questioning all this, analyzing, looking at it from different angles.  i think that's a good thing, and something we all can emulate.  it's possible that 2 + 2 = 5 in some alternate universe.  who knows?  just another possibility that may exist out there somewhere that another mind can make sense of.  just not ours.  that doesn't make it definitively right or wrong.

love and hugs to you, camille.