Mirrors

Started by woodsgnome, November 14, 2017, 04:16:51 PM

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woodsgnome

Wondering if anyone else experiences mirror phobia? Using them sparingly and/or mostly just avoiding them whenever possible?

At home, to this day (decades after) I only have a tiny, cracked and dirty mirror that resides mostly on the kitchen floor out of sight, mostly out of mind. I only glance at a mirror if I'm away someplace else for a quick comb or something, but otherwise don't use them much; and it's so habitual I don't even think about it. I usually cut or trim my own hair without using one, feeling my way instead of looking.

I offhandedly mentioned this to my T last week, and she indicated that's not untypical behaviour for someone recovering from a history of certain traumas. At least I think that's what she said as I faded into a brief dissociation while she was pointing that out.

***trigger warning next paragraph***
Something else I recalled, too--I tried disfigurement at least a couple of times. This stems from incidents with teachers at the religious school I went to who got me alone in a bathroom and used words like "you're just so cute and cuddly" while... There were times with the m, too, that were similar but she didn't even always use words, just...
***end of trigger***   

I recall one day lightly scarring my face using throwing darts which I used to scratch lines across my face and when asked told people it was from a cat incident. I did that at least a couple of times, and freaked out if a word like "cute" made it into even a casual conversation with someone. And I also know that ever since is when my mirror avoidance grew. Even when I was an improv actor for several years I kept mirror usage to an absolute minimum.

So I'm just wondering if mirrors are problematic that way, consciously or unconsciously, for anyone else.

Sceal

I have an aversion for mirrors too. But for me its a little different than what you describe. I hate looking at my body in the mirror. It doesnt reflect who I am. And when I look at my face in the mirror I dont recognize me at all. Whoever that reflection is... its not me.
I dont know where it comes from or why.  But its been like that for as long as I can remember. I used to wonder if it is normal or not, but i never brought it up with my T. Didnt quite see what I would gain from that. 

Does avoiding mirrors bother you? Is it the same with photographs?

woodsgnome

#2
Sceal asked: "Does avoiding mirrors bother you? Is it the same with photographs?"

Avoiding mirrors doesn't bother, I just don't seek them out. I think there's maybe some inexplicable self-hatred/blame embedded that keeps it so.  Photographs--threw out all photos taken when a kid. Have several as adult, but few candids...most for professional reasons.

I was, though, taken aback (dissociated) when my T commented on why this might be so after I'd casually mentioned it. It's not something I'm overly concerned with, but find it another disturbing reminder of how deep the grief and hurt goes; affecting even 'normal' activities that many take for granted.

ah

#3
Me too, absolutely.

I only glance in the mirror when I brush my teeth to make sure my face doesn't have toothpaste dribbling all over its chin, but I really have to gear up and prepare myself every time I have to look. I really hate the mirror. I always feel very strongly distant from myself and it's not a good feeling.

I think the reason is when I look in the mirror I don't connect to who that person is and also, it's an older me whose wrinkles are hard to see because it reminds me how deeply this stranger's life was wasted and taken, so my own image is turned into a trigger. Every time I see myself in the mirror it's a sure EF. Talk about ordinary daily activities being pervaded by trauma, I couldn't agree more  :yes:

I'm sure it's self hatred too, not only is the person I see in the mirror a stranger whose life I refuse to accept as my own, but also, my face has such a haunted sad expression that I feel unhappy for the person I see there. It sometimes makes me think of pictures of holocaust survivors, it's the same expression.

Yeah, photographs are similar too. I remember one photo of me sitting down working hard at something and my father is sitting right behind me, staring intently at me. I kept it because to all intents and purposes it could be interpreted as a beautiful moment of family bliss: loving doting admiring adoring father giving his full attention to child. But in reality it was a predator zoning in on his favorite prey, totally focused on the kill, in plain sight. Totally unseen by the photographer. I kept the photo as a weird way of being gaslighted but also telling the truth to myself at the same time.
I still have it but I haven't looked at it in years. Triggering... plus seeing my very young self, still so sweet and making every effort to please... it's too much to look at.

So yeah, I always assumed I had a mild case of mirror phobia. Staying distracted enough to forget myself is less painful, if I look right at myself it hurts like *.

Maybe there could be a mirror therapy? Looking at ourselves straight in the eye without flinching?
(I'd start with looking at myself straight in the nose without flinching at this point  ;D )



Sceal

Quote from: ah on November 14, 2017, 08:42:28 PM
I think the reason is when I look in the mirror I don't connect to who that person is

Definitievely the same here.

BlancaLap

For me, it is that I don't recognize myself in the mirror, and that scares me a lot. It's like my brain doesn't make the connection between my reflection and me, it doesn't feel like me... but I dissociate and I don't feel fear anymore. If one day I can des-dissociate myself, I know it is gonna be super scary.