Bosses, co-workers etc

[Blueberry]

Another situation (other than friendships) in which I'm speaking my mind is the farm. Strictly speaking, I'm working there for friends. I certainly don't have a contract of any sort. Which is good since I didn't turn up at all last Friday. No show when you're officially employed is bad. I didn't realise till a few days later why I hadn't gone: one of the people on the farm ( we'll call her 'B')  tried to take one of my tasks away from me last week. Not so she could do it herself but so that 'C' could do it instead because it is C's job.

I broached that topic to C but in front of B on Monday.  Yay for me, big step.
C, it turns out, actually loves it when I come and do that particular job. B hastily re-explained making it out that I'd misunderstood something, but actually I hadn't. I've been remembering that B has habit of stirring the pot in this way. What got triggered for me was: "you're not wanted" and "you're in the way", some popular sayings from M and B1 to me. No wonder I remained in bed on Friday and didn't go to the farm!

In a 'real' job with a contract I'd have to turn up willy-nilly. Right now I'm remembering that my T says undealt with problems will keep returning in some form or other (addictions, pain, nightmares, illness - and I'll add huge impulse to remain hiding in bed -) until I deal with them, i.e. approach them and start healing process.

I've always been a sitting duck for thoses bosses and co-workers prone to bullying and/or prone to finding someone to blame for this or that. I was at school too. Well, I was at home so no wonder it continued in all other aspects of life. At the farm I've proved B wrong! C's more than happy for me to do this particular job. And I've shown B that I can stand up to her and will.

I'm feeling atm that I would like to try and find some pretty part time job that I'd like and that wouldn't stress me out too much, but for pay obviously, which the farm isn't. My freelance work isn't enough to support me at all, though as an additional job it would be fine. Somebody gave me an idea the other day, which I intend to pursue. But then I tend to draw back, thinking "what if I get ill again? Maybe I should wait a few months?" 

Aside from the difficulty of explaining to prospective employers what I've been doing career-wise for the past 16 years, just knowing that I tend to fall apart when bosses and/or co-workers decide to pick on somebody does rather put me off looking for a job. Last time I looked for and even got a job, the problem was that the boss and co-workers ignored me almost completely instead of showing me the job and then once they did show me seemed annoyed that I didn't get the hang of various machines quickly enough to work up to pace. If they'd showed me when things were still running slowly and I'd been able to practise without stress, I probably would have managed to work up to pace. And yes, I did keep asking: "Can you please show me?"

[Blueberry]

I inquired further about the job somebody mentioned to me.  And then got as far as researching it.

What strikes me about the post I wrote yesterday is that I managed to calmly address the issue of whether C felt disturbed by my doing her work and that I didn't feel the need to do a "But you said x and y" to B. I know she did, but the problem is now solved. In fact I was listening to one of these podcasts this evening about Disarming Narcissists, so in my head I can think about B "I can accept your faulty perception of me", the faulty perception being that I was "stealing somebody else's work" or maybe that "my presence was superfluous". I don't even think that B is a narc, probably just has a number of fleas. She used to have more in fact.

Calmly addressing the issue; not JADEing; looking into Disarming Narcissists; starting to implement Disarming Narc methods in my head and to easier people than FOO 

Towards FOO I can't think "I can accept your faulty perception of me" or much else from the list. I still feel FOO would turn even these sentences around on me and/or I'm still fighting in FOO to be heard and appreciated for who I am. Cognitively I know the latter is useless, but emotionally I'm not quite that far.

Yesterday I noticed that lots of the recent posts under Employment are mine. It shows me how important this topic is to me and how much I'm struggling with my lack of paid work, lack of 'real' work as opposed to emotional work on self. Even that I don't think I'm doing enough of.

One reason I'd really like to earn more money is to feel less dependent on FOO from whom I still get a financial contribution, on and off.