financial dependence on FOO

[Blueberry]

for anybody for whom financial dependence on FOO is a topic, or for people who - yikes - even still have to live with FOO, or have had to go back to doing so, some of what I wrote / vented here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8150.0 might be relevant.

I don't know how long I'll leave it up because not the best if FOO read it and recognised me .... Having said that, I usually end up leaving my posts up anyway. 

[Andyman73]

Will take a look see

[Andyman73]

That makes it really tough to try to move forward with healing and recovery. I can hardly imagine being trapped by financial dependence.

[Blueberry]

Nonetheless, I am moving forward!

[Andyman73]

Nonetheless, I am moving forward!

Yeah!!!!!! 

[OrinIncandenza]

I've been struggling with this my whole life. Consistently being unable to maintain employment has been one of my biggest challenges. I was able to earn a JD and a masters with the "help" of Klonopin but kind of maintaining a 'normal' disposition consistently for many weeks in a social setting has always proven to be too much. In school, I could show up for classes and other events, work a bit, and still have the flexibility to protect myself and heal in isolation. Working full-time removes that flexibility and adds chronic sleep deprivation to the mix. As a result I've been chronically late to many jobs and abandoned more than a few. Having a mother who thinks work is the path to self-understanding has made this struggle acutely painful.

As a result of this struggle, I've routinely had to rely on my parents for money. My mother is in complete control of their finances and as a result all requests for help go through her. She uses this power to sow guilt and anxiety in me. Every time I've ever asked for assistance she's reacted by immediately stressing how difficult it will be for her and adopting a tone like I'm physically hurting her. I guess the good news is that she usually offers the money after the whole song and dance, but it makes coming to her for help again particularly scary. After my recent revelations with regard to familial emotional abuse and CPTSD, I expected her to adopt a new outlook on the way my family treats me and how she could help. Instead, when offering some fairly meager sums (my parents live in a 4,500 square foot house, drive two luxury vehicles and have more possessions stored in their attic than I'll ever own in my lifetime) she added, "there will of course be some conditions". I hit back saying that she could help if she wanted to but I wasn't interested in her conditions since I was asking for help, not for money, but she decided to offer money as her help. She adjusted and agreed so I guess I should be happy about that but the amount is only enough to solve one problem and ensure I'll need money again and very soon. This dynamic is the reason I now have over $300k in student loans that I'll never pay off. I basically decided it was preferable to have a permanent financial albatross tied around my neck, growing larger everyday, to going through this exercise. Unfortunately, post-school I've discovered I'm no better equipped to support myself so I've had to return to this damaging dependency.

I intend to apply for disability benefits but a psychiatrist in the past told me I would be denied because I was able to finish college (although it took 8 years and 7 colleges), so now that I've completed graduate and law school, I imagine it might be even less likely that I would qualify. I don't know what to do because I can't live like this at 34. I want to establish at least a temporary no contact with all of my family members but that's not viable as long as I'm financially reliant on them.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry, OrinIncandenza, that sounds even tougher than my position.  Thanks for responding. It helps to hear that, sadly, others have to deal with similar and then to hear how they're dealing with it.

I'd get a second opinion on the "finishing college means you can't get disability benefits". I've been told things by psychiatrists before that ended up being completely wrong, e.g. if I got disability benefits, I wouldn't be allowed to ever work again. Total bunkum. That was meant to persuade me to continue trying to get back in the workforce. Your psych might have had a similar agenda. BTW I'm sure I'm not in the same country as you so rules will be different.

[OrinIncandenza]

I'm sorry, OrinIncandenza, that sounds even tougher than my position.  Thanks for responding. It helps to hear that, sadly, others have to deal with similar and then to hear how they're dealing with it.

I'd get a second opinion on the "finishing college means you can't get disability benefits". I've been told things by psychiatrists before that ended up being completely wrong, e.g. if I got disability benefits, I wouldn't be allowed to ever work again. Total bunkum. That was meant to persuade me to continue trying to get back in the workforce. Your psych might have had a similar agenda. BTW I'm sure I'm not in the same country as you so rules will be different.

Thanks for the response Blueberry. Your situation sounds very complex. At least mine offers me some more basic choices and given that no money I receive from family will be of an amount to really help me, it's easier to decide to keep it from controlling me.

You make a good point and it's something I've thought with regard to disability benefits. I need to broach it with my social worker/therapist but I've just started and I always get the sense that these therapists worry about getting hustled and are therefore vigilant about things like helping to support a disability application where they don't think it's appropriate. I have the same issue with medicinal marijuana particularly because it's a bit of a taboo with the older generations. I plan on wading into the disability discussion relatively soon. Thanks for the nudge!