Is this emotional abuse?

Started by BlancaLap, November 18, 2017, 09:01:45 PM

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BlancaLap

Trigger warning.
So, I'm gonna tell you what happened months ago:
I have been numb all my life without knowing it, but due to a lot of mental work for me, I started feeling all the pain I have been hidding inside of me, and oh god, it was so terrible... I can't feel it right know because I'm numb, but it was terrible. So, all the things I've been doing because of fear (of rejection), like talking to people (I don't get why I would never ever want to talk to anybody if it only makes me more anxious), taking showers... basically everything. Things just... didn't make sense, and I wanted them to make sense. So I decided I would take a break and just try to be myself at that moment. So, the thing is I started acting really sad, like I didn't want to leave the house, talk to people, just be in my room, cry... and my mother... she started acting aggressively, violently... she started following me everywhere: if I wanted to take my car and go somewhere else because we had an argument and I just wanted to be somewhere else, she would take her car and literally follow me, or call to my uncle's to do so, but not before telling me that I would not achieve anything by doing that (I didn't want to achieve anything, I just didn't want to be there). She would also yell at me, shout at me, slam the doors, tell that if I was suffering it is because I wanted to, that I was a horrible daughter, that I wouldn't cry if she would appear dead (like, what?), that I was making her suffer, that how could I do that to her when she has done everything for me, that what happened to me happened a long time ago and I should just "forget it"... she would also talk behing my back (I mean, she has done that all my life, but, I mean, more). All I ever wanted was for her to let me grieve! I didn't do anything! I didn't shout, yell, insult her, slam doors, or tell her anything! I just wanted to be left alone, don't talk to anybody (because it didn't make sense to me, and I didn't want to talk only for her to be happy). It just didn't make sense for her to be mad. I couldn't understand (and still can't). I just can imagine that she "assumed" that I was angry with her and that's why I didn't want to talk to her. First of all, I didn't want to talk to anybody, not just her. Second, you just don't assume somebody is angry at you if nothing had happened between you. Third, when someone doesn't want to talk because s/he is hurt, you don't get angry at her/him, but rather be concerned. What do you think, should I have talked to her even though I didn't see why would I do that (I did't want to do it just so she would not be upset or mad)? And before you say anything, I tried to explain to her that I was hurt and in a lot of pain but again, she didn't understand why would I ever have pain... Is it emotional abuse?
Sorry for my english.

sanmagic7

no need to apologize, blanca.  your english is great.  kudos to you on knowing a second language so well.

is that stuff you wrote about abuse?  to my mind, there is no doubt that it is.  those assumptions, following you, turning herself into a victim, telling you to just 'forget it' (no matter what 'it' is), slamming doors - all of it.  all of it is abusive.  not one word of concern or kindness or understanding. 

very sorry you have to go thru this.  how horrible.  sending a hug filled with compassion, care, and love.

BlancaLap

Thank you so much for your replie. It means a lot to me. Sending you a big hug too!

ah

I think it's emotionally abusive too. Sounds absolutely terrible.

It's numbing in itself when you aren't allowed to show any negative emotions because your mother can't take her own.  :no:  and very familiar to me.

In my experience my mother probably thought I was angry at her, and also, my depression was a warning sign - a beacon for the whole family's dysfunction. She couldn't handle that. She didn't want to see any of our problems. It scared her and she projected what she was feeling out at me.
She needed me to get better, to put on a shiny happy face, or else she'd have to look at her own life and ask herself some very hard questions, and she wasn't willing to do that. Maybe unable to do it.

She's never been willing, that I know. It's been a really long journey for me realizing she's weaker than me as a person, and she'll probably never join me. This is the best she can do for now. If she grows as a person in the future I'll be glad, but I keep working hard on myself to watch my desire for it to happen. Otherwise I end up hurting myself so much with unrealistic hopes.

Well done on doing your own mental work. Not everybody can. I think it says volumes about you. About your strength, your courage, your determination.

Life probably won't ever be what it could have been without our trauma and pain. We're changed. But it sounds to me like you've got a lot of inner strength to build a life for yourself that's good enough, a life you want, a safe life. By "safe" I don't mean that you'll never be in danger of being hurt again, none of us can promise that... being alive is after all dangerous business. "Safe" as in you having places where you can be you and have your own emotions without fear of punishment, where you're seen and heard. Sometimes all it takes is one person or place we know we can go to and be us.

I see you and I can relate so strongly to what you write.







BlancaLap

I'm so sorry you had that experience too, and I hope you're better now. I don't know if you still live with your mother or not, but I wish you good luck wherever you are. Sending you a big hug!

PeTe

BlancaLap, reading about the way your mother treated you when you were trying to grieve made me sad. It's good that you're grieving, and it's good that you do what feels right for you - like driving around for a while.

To me it definitely sounds like emotional abuse. Your mother seems to try to manipulate (not necessarily consciously) you and others to behave like she wants you to. And I understand it's far from the first time she doesn't want you to feel sad, criticise her etc, when you say that you didn't want to tell her just so she would not be upset or mad. Seems like you've been holding back your feelings from her before, and probably for good reason.

You ask advice if you should talk to her or not, and I can't tell you what to do. If you feel you really have to stand up for yourself, perhaps you should do it. However, I don't think she will be understanding or change the way she behaves. The most likely response is probably trying to change the way you think and feel in an abusive way.

Since you're living with your parents, I guess it's difficult to start in therapy, otherwise I'd recommend that. There might be some support groups for people who struggle with different things that you can contact. Or perhaps there's some relative that's not under your mother's spell that you could talk to.

It sounds like a tough situation to be in - you going through difficult times, and just getting abuse from your mother. I empathise with you!  :hug:

BlancaLap

Thanks, I realy appreciate your comment. You're right, it is hard for me, if not impossible, to grieve in this situation. I don't expect her to change, I know she won't, I just hope I can find a solution...

PeTe

Even if you won't find a perfect solution, perhaps you can find a good enough solution. Talking to someone is really good, but so is writing to people here, and you're already sharing here  :heythere: Even though it's really hard for you to go into a prolonged period of grieving, perhaps you could find a way to do it for an hour every now and then for example (could be in your room, taking a walk or a drive etc), and then switch back to being social enough? I really think it's best for you if you're not numb all the time.

BlancaLap

I wish I wasn't numb all the time, but that's the problem, it seems like I'm stuck in the numbness and I don't know what to do... :(

PeTe

I guess you need to find a safe space to access your feelings and show them either alone or with someone you can trust and open up to. Your mother has created an unsafe environment for you to show feelings. You've managed to grieve before, and I'm sure you'll manage to access your feelings again sometime later. I think you were brave to grieve, and you can be proud of your strength.

BlancaLap

Thank you, that's what I think too. My horrible visit to the psychiatrist gave my mother full power and control over me, compared to the power I had before. Before the event, I started feeling for the first time that I had control over my life, and that safety let me show my feelings... Thank you for your comment. It really helps to recieve feedback

sanmagic7

if you like, blanca, this might serve as your safe place to begin accessing and expressing feelings.  i don't know how you feel about that.  i do know it's been very helpful for me.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  big hug.

BlancaLap


PeTe

I'm really sorry that your visit to the psychiatrist was so bad. At a time when you needed help, another person you should have been able to trust let you down. I see you're not eager to try again. With so many disappointments with people, I think sanmagic's advice is good, because this is a nice and caring place to start. See you around here  :hug:

DecimalRocket

Hey Blanca, this does sound like emotional abuse.

The lack of respect for your feelings, even with intense distress. The lack of respect for your privacy and boundaries. Blaming. Making you believe you're terrible. Setting impossible expectations. That's all abuse.

I hope you be gentle with yourself and take time to be open here. The idea is that many of us don't know how to care for ourselves because we never were taught this skill well enough as a child. But there's hope in learning it from more compassionate people in this world . . . and that includes this place.

Be free to be vulnerable and hurt as much as you want. We'll be here.