Frightened of inner child

[goth_mike]

Does anyone else have a scary inner child?  After "getting in touch" with him again and trying to do things that may make him happy (at least for a moment) he seems to be mostly composed of hate and blind rage.

After making a promise to myself and my inner child to honour and respect his needs and wishes, I have been "accidentally" doing things intended by my subconscious to hurt people.  I've never willingly hurt anyone before (except perhaps myself) but the inner child has a real appetite for destruction.

Two examples so far:  a friend was expecting me over for dinner, but I somehow "forgot" and had absolutely no recollection of the invitation (which was one day previous).  In another incident, I seemingly "misplaced" my tobacco at a party.  I was getting extremely close to hurtfully and aggressively start demanding of people (all friends who have only ever treated me with respect and compassion) "who's taken it" when I thankfully discovered I'd "misplaced" the pouch by putting it into my left pocket instead of the right, which is normally habitual.  This is the only time I can remember that happening, and of course I felt shameful at the way in which I was about to behave.

So it seems that my inner child wants to "strike out" at anyone in the vicinity, including sadly my adult self.

This is surely very confusing - it feels like I've been beaten over the head repeatedly with a blunt heavy object 

So has anyone else experienced nasty spiteful behaviour from their inner child, or am I just a complete wrong'un (local term)?

[Three Roses]

I can relate to this. It seems most of us here have more than one inner child, and an Inner Angry Teen is frequently mentioned.

I've accepted that she lives within me. I don't censor her, I just tell her that she can only intervene or comment when it's appropriate. I will consciously call her up when I have something or someone difficult to deal with; she's fearless, outspoken and honest.

Based on this and another recent post I'd guess you're dealing (or need to?) with some long-suppressed anger. We're taught that our anger is not okay - but our anger really IS ok, even normal, and appropriate given the things we've been through.

The key for me is finding a way to express my anger in ways that I don't have to apologize for later.

[Blueberry]

When one of my Inner Teens first came up, some of my Inner children and my adult self were frightened. I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't. I felt flattened. I had no idea how to converse or communicate with this Inner Teen. Eventually I got help with her from a therapist in a group setting.

She wasn't a bad teen at all. Really reasonable in fact. I can't even remember what her issues were because she's much better integrated now and while the therapist was working with her (partially me playing her role and partially somebody else playing her role) she was either really reasonable and sensible (role-played by other person) or just kind of numb, but not acting out (role-played by me).

However. My case sounds different. I misplace things often when I'm in an EF or similar but I've never had the impression it's been one of my Inners.

I doubt you're a 'wrong un', but it could be something other than an Inner Child. Inner Critic? Or let me see, Idk the word in English something like 'Internalised Abuser' maybe?

It could also be that your Inner Child doesn't want to be made 'happy'. Maybe he wants to be heard? Maybe he needs help? Maybe he needs to get into an Inner Safe Place as fast as possible? Maybe trying to feel happy puts him in an EF as it does to some of us adults in real life?

The possibilities are endless working with ICs, I've found. Fascinating but sometimes overpowering and adult-life-wrecking. Mind you at last count I had 15. More might have come if my present T and I hadn't decided to put a lid on it.

The T in the group setting had said to me on a previous occasion when my 4 yo and 6 yo were acting out so badly I couldn't think (they were being role-played) that they weren't bad, they just needed a few things I hadn't been giving them, and that wasn't happy times. Nor was it sad times or anything bad like that. 

I hope some of this is helpful, if not ignore.

[goth_mike]

Thanks for the replies, most helpful and intuitive, the sort of reasoning I completely lose sometimes when in EF mode.

I've not really contemplated an inner teen before - this kid feels more like he's about 5 to 7 years old, hence the impulsive actions.  I had to grow up pretty fast, so have a much stronger memory of the teenage years.  People often said between about 12 and 16 that I was "older than my years", and my ongoing substance issues began around age 14.  That's pretty much the same person I am now, albeit with more responsibility (now there is an irony) and a bit more time for others!

The first "error" (at the party) I ascribed to the outer critic, which I am well aware makes me distrustful and paranoid about other's intentions.  It seemed that it was trying to find new ways to * me over to allay my attempts at turning it into something more useful.

However, after this evening's rather uncomfortable events, I suspect the inner child, and have developed a (drunken (sorry people it became too much)) theory as to why: he is trying to protect himself.  Memories of being "fake friended" by others and the resulting hurt means he is deeply distrustful and interprets any affection by another as a precursor to being hurt.  So in that respect he was trying to sabotage my relationships so they wouldn't have a chance to "turn bad" in order to protect me.

Yes rage / anger I am well in touch with.  As a male the emotion is bizarrely encouraged, and I am more than ready to accept that I am incredibly angry about the injustices remembered, and am becoming aware there are more that I do not remember.  I keep getting "flashbulb" type memories of a two faces which I do not recall.  I suspect there maybe something else hiding underneath all which has been uncovered so far which could well be quite terrible.  Whatever it is needs to come out.  I need compassion for the seven year old enough for him to tell me what happened, so that we may grieve the events together...

Actually I've started shivering as I typed the last paragraph, now shaking like a leaf.  Suspect there is more to come (sigh).

[Three Roses]

after this evening's rather uncomfortable events, I suspect the inner child, and have developed a (drunken (sorry people it became too much)) theory as to why: he is trying to protect himself.  Memories of being "fake friended" by others and the resulting hurt means he is deeply distrustful and interprets any affection by another as a precursor to being hurt.  So in that respect he was trying to sabotage my relationships so they wouldn't have a chance to "turn bad" in order to protect me.

This makes a lot of sense to me, and I've felt this too.

Go slow, my friend.

[Elphanigh]

This thread is truly insightful. Thank you for starting it goth_mike. I too have a truly angry liitle, she is one of 5 that have appeared for me. For me she is about 14. I had so many reasons to be angry by that age, and only gained more as life has continued. She is a little that does sometimes scare me, not because she is scary but because of what she stands for.

I was scared of her at first like you are frightened of yours. However, I found that it was the idea of there being so much anger in me that scared me, not actually her. She has every right to be mad, and even angry only lashes out for good reason. I found that I was afraid to face the things she was angry at, because I was afraid it would turn me into the people I have tried so hard not to be. I am still working with her, she is not at all very integrated with me.

[goth_mike]

This is on-going at the moment, but it is good to know I'm not the only one, and hope others get the same feeling.  I'm still stuck in FB (at work again), my profound sadness (last night went wayyy beyond depression alone, I get that sometimes too but am sure it's another symptom) has turned into the the heart-pounding fear (again).  I've done some good (paid) work today but somehow feels it hasn't been enough.

After letting my emotions back in again, and paying attention to them, last night's drink and drugs binge didn't actually "de-activate" them this time, just made it all a bit more confusing.  Hopefully as the dulling effect wears off I can carefully work on reducing the compulsion to do so, as I really don't want to die of a knackered liver.

Having read 'From Surviving to Thriving' though I did remember to consciously re-assure the child that although he may be angry and hurtful, and has tried to hurt my adult self, I still love him anyway and will continue to provide the reassurance and support to him that was lacking in his time.  I can also remind him that he now has access to an adult body (for protection) and adult intellect, so through me he can put his emotions into words and express himself as he was not taught to do before.  Also, that expression will not be punished by me, even if it perhaps was in the past.

The age of 7 seems significant for me somehow; perhaps this is when my "thinking self" fully dissociated for the first time, and the fun carefree innocence was extinguished.

I will indeed take it slow and easy, and not be harsh on myself.  I am proud of the fact that I continue to weather this particular FB and have refused to dissociate this time.  Time for added tenacity (grits teeth)...

m very interested to hear other's examples of how they dealt with frightening and potentially dangerous inner children (this is like becoming a parent to a kid I didn't know I had sheesh).

[Resca]

I've accepted that she lives within me. I don't censor her, I just tell her that she can only intervene or comment when it's appropriate. I will consciously call her up when I have something or someone difficult to deal with; she's fearless, outspoken and honest.

I just want to thank you for - once again! - putting a more positive spin on something that feels so negative. I like that you're able to give positive attributes to your Inner Angry Teen; to give her due credit for her strengths in addition to her weaknesses; to find space for her to exist in a way that actually serves you. I aspire to be more like you in that regard.