Is extreme moral strictness and harshness emotional abuse? Trigger***

[DecimalRocket]

I thought the guilt thing was more recent. I still feel oddly guilty for being less empathetic in the past even when people around me in real life and people here tell me I'm understanding and gentle. I remember being guilty for getting angry at my mom in my early teenage years when she had incredibly high standards for me — and I was convinced it was all my fault.

But no. . . It seems it all began when I was even younger than that.  . . when I was around preschool or elementary. Sigh, I'm not going to sound like much of a good person back then, but hear me out.

My mom was a woman everyone saw as kind — always doing favors, giving gifts and being overall kind. And she sought to form me in her image.

When I was joking and being casual with people, she often berated me for being funny with others. . . saying I wasn't being proper or serious. She would tell me to hug, kiss or smile at a relative at command and shout at me for lacking obedience to this. I'd go around school doing different things and unknown to me and her at this time — I had Aspergers (A social delay) — and I couldn't tell why many things I've done were rude. And she'd shout at all these little details without explaining why saying I was an embarassment.

I became more of a troublemaker to rebel. But inside I'd be wrecked with guilt at all the things I've done morally wrong as my mom said they were — others' kindness touched me but I was convinced that kindness meant absolute blind absolute obedience to other people like my mom has shown me — and I avoided it. I still flashback to that intense guilt today to the point of thinking I don't deserve any kindness or happiness sometimes— it's just . . . now I know which memories those feelings have come from. I'm not Catholic anymore, but I still sometimes feel like . . . I'll go to * for any small sins.

But I don't know — I guess there's still a part of me that believes I should have been a perfect saint as a kid . That is always disciplined, always can read other's emotions, always have perfect patience, always smiley, extroverted, somehow born with perfect knowledge of what makes things moral and so on. .

I hated her shouting you know as a kid . . . Utterly hysterical and absolutely irrational. Of no calm reasoning and expecting something as illogically stupid as blind obedience — even with good intentions. I found the lack of objectivity disgusting. That's exactly why I hate it when I become just like that during flashbacks sometimes.

Maybe this is what I'm truly ashamed of.. Because I've been getting nicer to all the people around this forum and real life — and when I'm kind, I feel like I'm becoming her — hysterical, manipulative, irrational, stupid, blindly obedient and rushed.

Eh. . . Guess things don't always work out well, do they? I don't even think this was emotional abuse sometimes. . .It looks to me it was all my fault . . . Wasn't I just being petty? Sigh.

[BlancaLap]

Sounds to me like your mother wasn't really kind, but rather pretended to be. Real kindness is born from the inside. Real kind people aren't kind to please other or because "god tell them to" or because of fear of "what would happen if I'm not". Kindness doesn't go hand in hand woth fear, but with the lack of it. You are doing good at posting here, since a lot of people may be in your situation and can tell you why you are there and how to get out.

[ah]

I agree with Blanca.
Kindness should be flexible enough to let us be human, to make mistakes. Whether it's kindness directed at ourselves or at someone else, if it expects superhuman perfection that's not kind, that's... to me it sounds a little like fundamentalism.
I've undergone extremely violent religious abuse among other types of abuse. This to me sounds a lot like some of the things I went through and still have to go through.

We're not saints, especially not as kids. Kids are naturally narcissistic, it's not pathological, it's normal and universal and totally human. Trying to demand that we act otherwise before we're ready for it is abusive. Imagine demanding of a small child to do things she can't physically do yet because her body isn't developed / strong enough. Why would making moral demands be any less abusive? Much more abusive, methinks, because it hurts your sense of who you are and it can make you feel you're an immoral person without it being true.

If we decide we want to become saints as adults, whatever being a saint means...? I'd bet it requires a conscious choice and a lot of effort. Meditating, watching your mind, watching your emotions, analyzing your thoughts. It would be something we'd take on of our own accord.

Sounds to me like she had a strong personal and social image she was protecting, and it meant a lot to her to make sure you maintained that image in other people's eyes.
But it's an impossibly high expectation to make of you, one that you couldn't measure up to. No one could. No matter how smart you were, no matter how hard you might have tried, I don't think you could succeed.

Also, I want to add: if you were a bad person, then it would stand to reason that when left to you own devices you'd become more and more unkind here on the forums and IRL. If you're kinder, if being more free sent you exploring more kindness, then I say that says a lot of interesting things about who you are. 

All of my abuse feels to me like it was my fault. That, I think, is the sad hallmark of abuse. We internalize it 





 

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you guys. I'm not fully healed but I feel better. I guess I should take it easier on myself. I try to remain kind but I guess at times of stress during flashbacks, it's natural for me to get irritable and moody after all the hurt I've gone through. Pain can make anyone lack patience and become more selfish during times like that — especially when I'm very tired . . . which just adds to the experience.

I'm grieving my past at the moment and it's painful. I'm really exhausted too — but I'll try to take it easier on myself now after hearing those.

See you

[sanmagic7]

i agree with blanca and ah.  plus, i agree with you about the fact that when we're tired, grieving, and/or stressed, we aren't who we might normally be.  we just don't have the same personal resources and strengths when we're in those situations.

yes, please be gentle with yourself, d.r.  your kindness feels genuine to me, without a hidden agenda.  sending a big hug filled with patience and love.