Feeling it's impossible to grow up

[camille13512]

I'm not sure where to ask this question. Please feel free to move it if there is a more suitable sub-board.

I am aware that CPTSD can make us feel younger than our actual age. Is it ever possible to grow "out of " that feeling?
I am struggling more and more among other people to have my behavior and opinion match my actual age (25+), and it is getting more difficult for me. I panicked because some of them actually commented on how childish I was. Combined with my paranoia and fawning response, I feel I'm just losing it in front of the others. I can't follow or catch up with conversations (I just don't understand the arguments people make, whether what they say is what they mean, why they are satisfied or frustrated); and with the things I thought I knew, my solutions and opinions are constantly put down as "naive" or "short-sighted". I don't think it was this bad before. Maybe it is just that my age keeps going up, but internally I'm always stuck at an earlier stage (I believe it's the twelve-year-old me for some reason)? But I don't even know how to work on it. When I ask myself the question about being a grown-up, I just don't know what it means any more. I used to think it means handling everything by oneself without asking for help, and hiding or even suppressing any emotion. I know these are messed up answers, but I don't have any alternative.

Does anyone know how should I start tackling this problem? Is it related to the inner child or something else? I thought inner child was the hidden self? But I am constantly feeling actually being a child. Every time I talked to someone in real life I just feel hopeless about my status, the constant disconnection from everyone else, feeling much younger and hence inferior to the "real" adults in my life. At this point, I think I can accept not being able to grow up at all, but I need to know at least how to keep pretending in order to survive. Any suggestion and advice will be greatly appreciated.

Camille

[Blueberry]

Camille,
i'm really sorry you're feeling so bad and over such a long time period as well. I really don't think much of people who say you are being 'childish'. That's happened to me too and I know it hurts and/or makes me angry. 

It sounds to me as if you could be in a semi-permanent EF (Emotional Flashback) which you can read about here  http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf If you scroll down, you'll see actual steps to getting out of your EF.  If this doesn't help, please post again.

I used to feel like a child of various different ages for long stretches at a time. It has got a lot better, so yes IME you can grow out of that feeling.

What being a grown-up means is an interesting question, and I bet you'd get a number of answers if you put that on the board. But I also believe that when you are ready, you will live into the answers, you'll become more and more aware of what it means to you to be an adult. I don't mean to dismiss your question at all, I just don't want to overload the answer. 

[camille13512]

Blueberry,
I think you are right. It didn't occur to me that this is an EF, because it is so extensive and, as you said, "semi-permanent". I have the more obvious EF's that hit me like trains, but this one is so constantly in the background that I thought it was something else. It's kind of hard to fight it off following Pete Walker's guide, because normally I can only practice the first step: telling myself this is EF and trying to wait out. The other steps don't work that well: I don't feel safe, don't believe I am an adult that has skills to protect myself, etc. I think I'm probably triggered by simply interacting with people (e.g. small tasks like grocery shopping or dropping a package off at post office are challenges for me) that I feel stuck in this particular EF all the time.

I guess the only thing that works for now is to avoid triggers (i.e. real people interaction). I feel better today because I didn't have to face anyone. Thank you for the insight and giving me the hope that one day it will get better.

[PeTe]

I haven't had flashbacks of that kind, but I do feel that my development in some areas «stopped» at a young age. For me I think it's because I and others didn't allow me to develop in those areas.

From what you're writing, I'd say you've got some adult insights into yourself, so it's probably not as bad as you think. Perhaps hiding and suppressing emotions are important to what you write. If you actively try not to feel, that requires a lot of mental capacity that you maybe can't use on following arguments, empathising and giving advice based on what the person said. It would also contribute to the disconnection you feel.

[sanmagic7]

camille, maybe this is an ef (i had one last year that lasted 8 mos., just had to wait it out, cuz, like you, i couldn't follow those steps, either), and maybe you're feeling this way cuz you have a unique perspective on the world, life, living, that those other 'real' adults just don't have.  that doesn't mean anything bad for you, just different.

there are as many perspectives as there are people.  i've written about having a 4-yr. old's curiosity, optimism, sense of adventure, and universal love for people and everything else.  i'm not going to 'grow up; from that cuz i like those qualities about myself.  they could be classified as naive or childish, too, but i'd rather think of them as 'childlike' in their acceptance and simplicity.

it could be that these people who are labeling you are causing self-doubt in yourself.  maybe you could step back, take a look at what they're saying about you specifically, and decide for yourself what's true, what isn't, what you want to keep, what you want to change.  that's a very adult thing to do.

having difficulty in public places is pretty common for those of us who have been traumatized.  i don't see it the way it's been labeled for you, but as symptoms left over from our various traumas that we definitely can 'grow' thru as we continue in recovery.   personally, i think you're doing fine.  a few blips on the radar here and there, maybe, but as you keep posting, you're continuing to grow. 

big hug, camille, filled with self-confidence and love.

[camille13512]

PeTe, thank you for the input. I think I am conditioned or tuned to only feel pain. Maybe that alone drains too much energy. I don't know. Kind of stuck in this current phase for a life time as far as I remember. I hope you are right, that this is not as bad as I think it is.

San, I'm sorry that you've had a similar experience. I'm glad that you made it through. I really like that you said being a child is a lovely thing, that you are not going to "grow up". Maybe that's what my inner child wants too? She doesn't want to "grow up", just doesn't want to be looked down upon because of that, and that demeaning look mostly comes from me (ICr) instead of the others (the others are just triggers). I guess I need to practice more how to accept myself and disregard the labels (only the destructive ones of course). I'll try to not flee from myself as much as I used to. 

[LittleBird]

I've noticed my inner (occasionally outer) critic is a form of defense mechanism. I am trying to warn myself away from things that have harmed me in the past. It's really difficult to back down after a lifetime of doing that, of being asked to explain myself to abusers etc.

It's horrible if our experience is to have turned this thing on the parts of ourselves that are the most vulnerable and need the most protection. For most of us, it's been about survival up to this point.

Try and use another part of yourself to take a softer approach. You are valuable and your inner child has amazing intuitive insight. There are more ways to protect yourself now you're older and these are going to be personal and specific to your experience. You are worth protecting 

We masquerade as "adults" when we're all carrying something from childhood. That part of you that feels vulnerable right now is wise and innocent - he or she can teach you a lot about the world as you saw it at a young age. I hope that's not too much - grow as you need to and in your own time.

[Blueberry]

It's kind of hard to fight it off following Pete Walker's guide, because normally I can only practice the first step: telling myself this is EF and trying to wait out. The other steps don't work that well

It's good you said that. I actually don't use Pete Walker's guide either lol It's just such a go-to on here that I linked it. It's hard to say what I do use. As san said, I also often just wait them out. They've been getting shorter through lots of therapy. But I do realise I'm really lucky in the amount of T I've been able to get. I've done a lot of Inner Child work. It was especially helpful for me to find the strong, creative, able sides to my ICs before looking at the trauma. I've also done a lot of imagination work, so could imagine myself into a Safe Place with Protective Animals for Adult me and for the ICs, who have their own Safe Places too.
It probably sounds a bit crazy but it really helped me to visualise these places and even to feel myself into them. I used to wander round town with my (imaginary) Inner Porcupine on my head and that made me feel a lot safer than usual and reduced my self-harm impulses to almost zero while I was about it.

  I don't believe I am an adult that has skills to protect myself, etc.

My ICs used to accuse me of this when I told them I'd keep them safe and protect them. "You don't / can't protect us" they'd shout and clamour. It got better with time. Unfortunately healing from this beast called CPTSD can take a long time. I wish it didn't. You can develop these skills bit by bit. Take your time.

   I think I'm probably triggered by simply interacting with people (e.g. small tasks like grocery shopping or dropping a package off at post office are challenges for me) that I feel stuck in this particular EF all the time.

These sorts of activities are certainly often very tiring for me, so I might be a bit or a lot EF-y when doing them. It helps me to read that I'm not the only one, though I wouldn't wish it on anyone.