I have a simple question...

[ivanthehunter]

(Trigger warning, TLDR at bottom of post)

I have a simple question...

Why is it okay to treat people (or, specifically me) this way? 

Recently, my counselor just dropped me and my appointments. no phone call, no inquiry, not even a letter. I have been steadily getting worse and dealing with crippling bouts of depression more and more, despite medication and "treatment". He was aware I struggle with suicidal thoughts and bouts of panic that prevent me from leaving my room.  I called his scheduling agency to confirm after i discovered i hadn't been scheduled after missing an appt. due to such an episode. all me recurring appts. had been canceled.  Seems like not even my counselor could be bothered to try and contact me to see why i missed my session. It's not like he was out financially, Medicaid covers missed appointments up to a certain amount each year. Either I give up on treatment, or start all over. again. again again. *sigh*
Why is it okay to treat people so dismissively when they are trying to find help? when they have entrusted you, reached out to you, exposed and confided in you things they find extremely troubling and difficult to discuss?

Why is it okay to treat people this way?   

Before that, I was in a Treatment group home in another town. I was making good progress. I was almost ready to apply for my first job in over a year. I had a very helpful therapist, an AMAZING physical therapist doctor, and I felt like I was nearing the end of the storm. Then, the corporation in charge of the group home decided I was a threat to them because I started calling them out on violations of basic laws regarding housing (FHA) and their treatment of patients and their rights (DPHHS). I did call the licensing bureau whom told them they could not throw me out of the program for blow the whistle, so they instead decided to throw me out for not paying rent, which I was working on doing by getting ready to apply for a job, and they refused to offer me the same option of my peers in the house, who all had backpayment plans to cover months that they could not afford it. Up until my last month at the facility, i have not even one late payment. And the group home manager told me, to my face and in front of my case manager, "why don't you just grow up and get over yourself" in regards to my PTSD, as if I was a faker who had no place their. It destroyed me. It destroyed my ability to trust even those in charge of my care. It added to my PTSD, and now I am worse off than I was before I went their.  I have a pending case with the FHA over discrimination and retaliation over what happened, but it doesn't change the effects it had on me....

Why is it okay to treat people this way? 

Before that, I was in a Psych-ward in my hometown, twice; right when i got back from Romania in Sept of '16, and again in December of '16. Both times, they failed to perform inventory on my belongings when I was checked in for suicide. They would not provide counsel, would not make calls to find me outside treatment options, and held "classes" by CNAs who had no training in what they were teaching, and were often so assailed by questions from clients at the end that they could not answer and simply left or excused themselves and never came back. There was nothing to do but watch old VHS movies. They took all your stuff, and you had no access to the outside world but a phone attached to a wall that was constantly being used by all the clients and have a 5 minute limit. It was pitiful. In fact, in the first visit in September, the doctor in charge of my care told me "either shape up and check out, or you'll be sent to the state hospital. grab a phone book, call some counselors, and move on" I was so upset by her dismissive-ness that I faked being much better, checked out, and left. I spent the next 4 months on the floor of my apartment, alone, doing nothing and wasting my money on rent with no intent to go back to work, researching suicidal methods and techniques, trying to come up with a plan that I could go through with. I had a counselor, and i did see him twice a week, but it made little difference as I just couldn't seem to relate to him, and his answers and instructions seemed to dismiss and invalidate my experiences. I didn't have the gusto to search for a new counselor, and I still don't now. I have seen 17 different ones. only 2 have ever proved helpful. It's that same feeling you get when you are a telemarketer and keep getting nasty responses from those you call. some people can handle that level of intolerance. I simply have had my fill and do not want to expose myself any further. I'm tired of being let down or dealing with compassion fatigued staff. It's just not worth it. Their actions send a clear message: I'm not worth it, I'm wrong, and I am weak, stupid, and overly sensitive.

Why is it okay to treat people this way?   

Before that, I was overseas in Romania on a training mission with the national guard. I was only there for 60 ish days, not like a full blown tour or anything, but * freeze over if the events didn't leave me scarred and distraught after it was all said and done. To begin with, my National Guard unit has always, and I mean ALWAYS, since the first drill, treated me like crap. Every drill, verbal and minor sexual harassment, typical immature high school boy crap that I can't stand. That's the infantry for you. But over the months and years, it escalated to constant verbal assaults of my peers telling me to go kill myself. this happened every drill for the final year I was with the unit, solid. While in Romania, it was daily harassment and even got to physical confrontations once or twice. A squad leader, a staff sargeant, commanded his entire squad to not speak, look, or interact with me in any way. This is a direct violation of AR 620. nobody did anything. I even had my platoon sargeant tell me he wished i would go AWOL or kill myself. How am i supposed to take that? the people I am supposed to depend on in a fire fight, confrontation of deadly force, would rather i was dead. I never did understand what people meant when they said the army was like a brotherhood. I never was welcomed. Out of the entire company, there was only one sargeant I would follow into battle. He was the only one who made an effort to help me excel. I volunteered for every extra duty i could get onto. Advon, Trail party, all of it. I was given tasks that were supposed to be performed by an E-6 staff sargeant, and yet in my duties I never was given an award. I watched a medic get an award for putting a bandaid on a soldier who had already been treated by another medic. Awards in my unit were merely the upper echelon's way of manipulating and favoring those they wanted to ascend in the ranks, rather than being a way for an individual to advance on his own merits.
      While in Romania, I stayed for trail party, but unlike other extra duties I had signed up for, I would be under the command of those not from my unit, not even from my battalion. While under their command, I got the news that back home, my wife was cheating on me, I was going to be homeless when I got home, and my finances would be in ruin. While trying to process this, those serving on trail party with me rallied and supported me, took time to inquire and force me into conversation and spend off-time with me. I started to see something I had never seen before: a special brotherhood, a feeling of family like treatment only found by those who sign up for the armed forces. They loaned me funds to buy a replacement phone to contact back to the USA with. They made sure I went out on cultural trips during our down time. They kept conversation with me even though if it was forced, and the 7 or so soldiers who did so, I genuinely felt like they genuinely cared and were trying to do their little part. I was blown away at the difference it made. When I got home, I resolved to remove myself from my unit, whether authorized or not. Despite this, because of the divorce I experienced something I had never before in my life and all my depressions. I, without my own consent, punched a shipping container and nearly broke my wrist. I just did it. I couldn't believe i had, and had it been a mirror I'm sure it would have shattered. I was not in control, and I had plans dancing through my head to end my own life. I did not know what to do, so I reported myself to the commanding officer. guess what? they didn't know what to do either. go figure. They gave me 24 hrs off duty, and I sought out the on-base chaplain, who also did very little. I felt like I was the only one who found my impending divorce a huge and dramatic catastrophe, and I started to get the feeling that others thought i was blowing things out of proportion. I started to feel weak for letting something such as it bother and disturb me as much as it did and still does. I started discounting myself, and again withdrew. When I got home, my standard unit responded just as poorly. my commanding officer gave me the advice "just hit the gym, and f**k b**ches" which, if anything else, is at least a violation of army SHARP (http://www.sexualassault.army.mil/) policy, and very derogative of females. This advice was echoed by my platoon sargeant, to which I (in a nut shell) told him that with all due respect, shut the * up because you are part of the problem. I just didn't care anymore. kick me out. punish me. put me on trial for treason. whatever.
   Half way through the drill weekend is when I took myself to the hospital for suicide watch and wound up in the pitiful excuse for a psych ward that the local hospital here has.

Why is it okay to treat people this way? 

All of this, comes after years, and years, and YEARS of verbal harassment, physical and verbal bullying abuse, neglected in relationships and discounted feelings in my own family. all of this, comes AFTER so much other crap that would take a book the size of the bible to fully divulge, and I just can't handle it. all I get is disrespected, my problems minimized, my feelings and symptoms invalidated, and no one seems to take any actions unless they see a benefit in it for themselves (profit from billing medical, self gratification, etc.) and despite many attempts to seek helpful treatment, I am still left floundering in an ocean of pain. I hate mental health. Where I live things tend to be behind the bell curve of the rest of the US by about 5 years, including the depression of the early 2000s (as evidence). I hate treatment for mental health. the methods are stupid, almost primitive, and serve to put on a show that someone is helping you rather than actually help you. make it look good for business and the like. It's like drowning in the ocean, and a lifeboat comes up next to you, and someone reaches down and holds you up and keeps you from drowning. all good right? such a noble thing. But they never pull you into the boat. They just hold you there, in limbo, they won't let you die, but they won't help you out of the pain. I'm sick of it being prolonged. Either help me UP or let me go. let me cut you and repetitively peel the scab off and re-cut you for a decade or so and see how you feel about it...

WHY IS IT OKAY TO TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY!  ... ....

TLDR

I have had an exorbitant amount of neglect, bullying, and abandonment in my life. All through school, starting in Kindergarten and continuing to this day. I have suffered verbal abuse by coworkers at various degrees at 12 of my 15 jobs that I have held. At 10 of those 12, I also suffered physical violence in one form or another. In my treatment, I have had exasperated therapists, compassion fatigued doctors and nurses, and family not interested in my treatment (until recently, and only then just one member) either because its easier to ignore, or helping me get better doesn't serve their selfish personalities (especially my mother). Nearly all of my ex girlfriends cheated on me at one point in time, and I still tried to stay with them, and my ex-wife did as well, while I was overseas for a training mission in Romania. That was a year and a half ago, and I still have not healed from that separation. I am still not over her. I have been used, abused, neglected, discarded, assaulted, and shutdown by those in my life I should have been able to trust. Bosses, parents, teachers, counselors, etc. I see others receive fair treatment, but then i step up looking for the same, and for some unknown reason, they can't be bothered. I have considered the possibility I am stuck in a virtual world designed to drive me to insanity because it is so consistent, but that would be preposterous, right?

I have been told plenty of times that it isn't right, the things that have happened to me. That no one should be treated such ways. But time and time again i find myself being treated just so. I am TOLD it is wrong, but I SEE that it seems to be the unanimous verdict. I SEE that such things are approved, for my assailants are almost never held accountable, and those that are get little more than a soft scolding. as if what they did to me was as simple as spitting in my general direction.

I have been diagnosed with MDD, General Anxiety, PTSD (from bullying, neglect and abandonment), and Autism spectrum disorder level 1 (what used to be known as Aspergers) which, when coupled with my PTSD, acts as a catalyst to make me easily triggered and really hard to come down from hyper awareness and vigilance. I am easy to jump scare, and very ill adapted to social group dynamics. I rarely have success socially in groups larger than three (two plus me). All of these Diagnoses came after 5 years in my national guard unit. (None of it was diagnosed before I joined. Not to say some of it wasn't already there, I just don't want people thinking I joined and somehow covered any of this stuff up to get in.)

I see myself as a good person. I'm not perfect, I have my vices. I don't do drugs, I rarely drink, I do not get physically violence as the thought of fighting worries me as I value my hands for playing games and other activities. I always pull over and offer help to people on the side of the highway. I lend out a helping hand most times when I see someone in a need. a door held open, carrying groceries or other items for someone who is overburdened. Giving directions to places around town or advice on electronics to other customers as I tend to follow the tech world quite closely. My work performance, other than social situations, is highly productive and I am often sought after by my customers for repeat services.  My friends have often sought me out for advice and counsel in tough times or tricky decisions and have valued my input, but recently, It seems I have discovered they lack loyalty and trustworthiness.  In short, I try my best to uphold many admirable qualities, such as chivalry, loyalty, honesty, integrity, helping others in need. Now I am in need. and I am feeling alone and discarded, like a used up water bottle. I am empty, and so I am being discarded into the trash.

I ask you again, Why is it okay to treat me this way? though at this point, I highly doubt being TOLD will have any affect piercing the walls of my PTSD i am being trapped behind. I feel as if I have no choice in this matter than to let it consume me with these walls. No other defense seems to have any effect.

Why is it okay to treat people in such a way??     ... ...  ... ...

I tell you my answer, its simple. the society in the USA is a game. but its not a simple one. There are hundreds of thousands of rules (laws) and authorities (police, senators, military, bosses, HR, activist groups, etc.) and it takes an insane amount of devotion to follow all of it and get through unscathed. even faltering a bit here and there is okay, you will still get out on the other side, but that is all a show. Put on a show. show that you care. show that you are nice, show that you are talented, creative, funny, etc. All a show. the REAL game in America is to have it dawn on you that you aren't supposed to follow the rules. You're not. the only rule of the game in America? Don't. Get. Caught. if you can get away with it, do it, and if you can take advantage of someone with out being exposed, then do it, and you will become the victor and join those at the top. It's sick, disgusting, and I absolutely no longer want any part of it and refuse to participate.

go ahead, explain to me why I am wrong. be the one who TOLD me. I still SEE what I see, and its disgusting.       

[Three Roses]

Welcome, ivanthehunter!

Strong trigger warning, description of abuse

I'm so sorry to hear the level of abuse, abandonment and betrayal you've lived through. You are truly a survivor!

I will answer your question: It is NOT "ok" for you, or anyone, to be treated this way.

Most if not all of us here have suffered the same kind of abuse. From our parents, lovers, friends - and, yes, even our children. Some of us have been told we are on the spectrum. It is a sad truth that no one escapes some form of mistreatment in the course of their lifetime.

I've been physically beaten, verbally abused, told I'm stupid, rejected from "the herd", raped, bullied, used and taken advantage of. My brother tried to kill me when I was 12, he was 17. Twice, my own father was on the verge of killing me (he had a TBI). My adult life has echoed with these injustices.

I learned a way of being that protected me. I learned it was dangerous to piss people off, and sometimes did it anyway just to challenge them. But mostly I suppressed and hid who I was and what I thought - until I was hidden even from myself.

Well, I'm taking myself back now.

I will be kind to others, not to go along with the crowd, but because I want to. I NEED to. It's the right thing to do, and I know what it feels like to be mistreated. I refuse to do it. I'm human, I know I'll never be perfect - but I will strive with each breath to be kind, to do what's kind and yet truthful. To be in touch with the "me" who lives at my core. I refuse to accept responsibility any longer for the failures of others to be decent humans. If they fail, it will be no reflection on me! As the saying goes - "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

I hope things ease up for you. I hope you find that missing sense of camaraderie here - although we are "only" an online community, I've made real and lasting friendships and I genuinely care for each person here. And now you're one of them.

You are welcome here, and safe.

[Rainagain]

Welcome IvanTH,

I have had a few similar experiences.

Once you have PTSD or cptsd the literature warns that there is a high risk of being revictimised.

I don't know why that should be but its like a herd animal that has been mauled by a predator, other predators will pick you out of the crowd from then on.

What I have done is to try to build up my safety, by moving, filtering out friends and acquaintances and taking defensive action early if I see a threat.

I am by nature helpful but I am alert to being exploited and have become pretty good at bringing down the shutters on people or situations that are not helping me.

When I was a motorcyclist we learnt to drive defensively, drive like others will run you down if they can

Now I live defensively, and it helps

To have gone through all that you have means you are plenty stubborn enough to turn things around, I wish you well.