Emotional Numbness vs. Lack of Hypervigilence

[Phoebes]

It's really bothered me that I have become numb at times, and have reduced my emotionality a lot since having this CPTSD meltdown of sorts after going NC with family members. After dealing with it for a long times I've gotten a lot less emotionally charged, as well as a lot less depressed and hopeless feeling (during the first two years especially).  I've also realized that under circumstances, I DO have normal emotions. I'm just so isolated that I don't have a lot of opportunity to interact and feel.

I seem to have turned a corner with my healing and don't feel as awful as I was. I'm feeling a lot more calm and less depressed. I have a sense that I'm not hypervigilent like I've ALWAYS been, and that feels different. Maybe this decreased hypervigillence seems like less emotion? I've always thought that normal "successful" people (people who can be themselves and do things they love without paralysis from fear of criticism and failure) must have a different sense of calm and not all these voices and tense anxiety. I've been so envious of that, and I feel I can get there now.

It's just a thought or theory..Surely I am more "normal" now. My tendency is to think I am a bad person, and I feel bad because I am bad. I think it's just been shedding the fleas and getting more of a handle on my life. It's really a different feeling not to feel shame and guilt over something that I would have thought was the "worst" thing I could possibly do. "Abandon" my mother. That type of rhetoric is not going to keep me in it's grips anymore.

[Three Roses]

 

[BlancaLap]

Sending you a big hug!

[Rainagain]

Phoebes,

That is progress, right there.