Some advice please about a situation I am in

Started by Eyessoblue, December 06, 2017, 09:40:02 AM

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Eyessoblue

Hi, I just wanted some general advice about something that has happened.  2 days ago I found out that my husband has found my code on my iPad and iPhone and has been reading through all my messages that I have sent and received from people, this has been going on for 8 months and he tripped himself up by accidentally when reading one of my friends messages he rung her at 4.am! She of course answered as was worried that it had woken her up and why would I be ringing at 4.am, to cut a long story short he's tripped himself up and admitted that he's been reading all my messages and said he's had to do that as he doesn't trust me! He gets up at 4 o clock every morning to do this.  I seriously feel like I've been violated and he knows things he shouldn't know etc. I really don't know where to go with this, I feel like my personal space has been invaded, he is just furious at some of things he's read, I feel like I've totally had it now with him it's not just this there's lots of narcissistic things that have been going on and this just feels like it's the straw that's broke the camels back! I tend to blame myself for everything and am trying to be careful not to let me feel I'm to blame for writing messages, writing is my therapy and I have a lot of friends who help me with advice etc. Please could I have advice as what I should say to him we are just having a really horrible time at home now where I'm so angry I can't bring myself to talk to him because I know I will completely fly off the handle and say things I might regret.

Hope66

Hi Eyessoblue,

That is shocking that your husband has done that - I would also feel violated in terms of someone invading my private space like that - it's not right.  I am so sorry that you've had that happen.  I can see that you are possibly feeling shocked and you don't know what to say, and that you are worried you might fly off the handle and say things you might regret.

I think I would personally opt for some way to give yourself some 'space' and 'time' - e.g. maybe say to him "I feel really shocked that you have read my personal messages, and I just don't feel I can discuss this with you at the moment, as I need some time to think about this situation" - or  "I need time to think about this, I feel _______ (insert whatever feeling you feel at that point) about this, and need some time to process it" - or some other kind of 'delaying' comment that could then allow you some space and time to think about 'what you want to do'.

I think I'd also insist on changing my password codes so that he can't do this anymore - as it's not right to do this.

But overall, I hope you are 'safe' and look after yourself, Eyessoblue.

These are just my thoughts about it, and I hope they are helpful in some way.  Essentially it's your private space, and your private thoughts, and they should be protected. 

Hope  :)


Rainagain

My advice may be a bad idea but for what its worth:

How about a session or two at a marriage guidance counsellor to examine what has happened?

He would have to explain his motives for sneaking about at 4 am and invading your privacy.

You would have a supported space to say how you feel.

It would either defuse the situation a bit or might bring other important stuff to light.

Changing your password might stop it carrying on but doesn't address why he acted like that.

If he rang someone at 4am he is either worried about you or a control freak, be good to get a handle on his motives.

BlancaLap

I'm sorry you had that experience. He doesn't have the right to read your messages and of course you feel violated, I would feel violated too. As I always say, a relationship without trust is not a relationship. I don't know what else I can say to you, I only wish you good luck with that.

Eyessoblue

Thank you all of you for your advice, you've pretty much all answered what I was feeling it's just good to hear from other people as I've said I do blame myself for everything but really can't see that I've done anything wrong although he is making me feel I have. The marriage guidance wouldn't work as he thinks any type of therapy is for mentally deranged people and he certainly wouldn't consider himself to be at a level where he would need it, I would welcome the idea but not much point going on my own to it.

Rainagain

I'm sorry he would not consider marriage guidance, sneaking about at 4am to hack other peoples accounts is certainly something worth discussing in that environment.

Your anger and sense of betrayal is justified and natural, if he won't discuss it in a safe space for you then its only going to be an elephant in the room.


Eyessoblue

Rain again yes you're totally right, the more I think about it the more disturbed I am by his behaviour and especially as to why he feels the need to do this. I am going to try and discuss this with him tonight but have a feeling I won't achieve anything.

Rainagain

Good luck with that tricky conversation.

I wouldn't push it, if he gets dismissive of you or is in denial, if he gets aggressive then leave it, nothing good can come from talking if he doesn't realise what he has done.

Hope you don't mind my input.