Boyfriend feels no love. I'm heartbroken.

[boyfriendhasptsd]

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend has been diagnosed with PTSD.

He often says he feels numb, emotionless, deattached, no purpose, feels bored of life, is flat in emotions. He went through something extremely traumatic some time ago..
He has told me that he struggles to feel love for me (although previously in our 6 yr relationship he used to love me and always express this).

I have a some questions and I would love to get some insight in to this. This is affecting me a lot and I have spent so many days being upset.

1.Has anyone else (diagnosed with PTSD) experienced that they struggle to feel love for their partner?
2. He sometimes tries to look for faults in our relationship, for him to be able to say "okay I am not feeling love because of this". And mostly these are very petty faults (that he never brought up before). Is this something common? Why is he trying to look for excuses?

He has on many occasions told me he feels "dead inside", he has no emotions what so ever.

I love him dearly and I feel broken hearted, I just want to understand what's happening..

[Rainagain]

Hi
I was treated for PTSD in the past, things got worse for me and I now have cptsd.

I recognise what you describe very well.

Unresolved trauma can lead to numbing, emotions which are overwhelming are 'stuffed' inside as a coping mechanism.
Emotional numbing is a way to try to hold things together.

As well as the anxiety, depression is pretty common which adds to the lack of interest in life.

Its not about your relationship, its the trauma which is the problem.

You don't say if he has had treatment, if not he should try to get help, it is treatable and things can get much better for you both.

The picking at minor faults is also common, if you have experienced trauma its hard to know what is dangerous and what is not so small things become magnified.

There is lots more I could say, best for you to get one of the books recommended by others on here, I don't read books much but there are lots of books and websites around.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi I can totally understand what he's saying because I feel exactly the same, I don't know what love is therefore unable to express something that I don't know what it feels to feel. My life just feels like it's on a constant flat and even if something really amazing is going to happen I feel expressionless and numb, I think through therapy it's helping tho for me to start to feel something, but trauma has a huge impact on every day life unfortunately.

[Dee]

I really feel treatment helps with this.  It helps with the numbness.  Still, therapy is work and a person has got to work to feel.

[boyfriendhasptsd]

Thank you all for your responses and giving me insight in to this. I am still very new to PTSD, I want to understand and support him the best I can.

I take what he says extremely personally, and it does not have the best effect. For example; after his PTSD diagnoses and when he has his bad days, he claims that we don't connect/don't have much to talk about/there is no excitement left. Before his trauma, he never complained about this and we had been together for 5 yrs. The more he finds faults, the more I start to think that I AM THE PROBLEM. I just don't understand why he has to "look" for "faults" in our relationship, when we were perfectly happy before.

I can't begin to describe how awful I feel. I feel like my "old boyfriend" has died, and Im now having to bury the the memories of us happy together. Yes, some days are great between us, like before..but most days now he is not himself. He also had a previous diagnoses of GAD (diagnosed 10 years ago), which definitely does not help the PTSD.
He is a shadow of himself and I feel broken hearted. He gets so angry over the smallest things (he NEVER used to have a temper), he is so numb, emotionless, unhappy..I miss his big laughter and smile. He wakes up in the middle of the night due to flashbacks, nightmares. He struggles with extremely intrusive thoughts. He is constantly super tired. He wakes me up in the middle of the night crying because he is so anxious. He constantly stated that he feels "dead inside". He says that he always has to keep busy so he does not think, and he can't ever relax.

Is this relatable to people who have PTSD, I don't know many people with PTSD. I want to learn more. I want to be supportive and I feel extremely guilty of my reactions sometime. Sometimes I think I do add to his stress, but I am so new to this.

Thanks all again, and if there is any other advice, wise words that you guys can contribute with...Id love to hear it

[Rainagain]

Your poor boyfriend is really suffering.

If you think about all of his symptoms you should see that you are not the problem at all.

These are all anxiety and trauma symptoms, I have all of the things you describe.

The best support is patience and calm, if he is exhausted and forgetful he probably hates how he is, I know I do.

If he has a diagnosis I assume he is getting therapy and/or medication, they are the normal treatments and tend to work, at least a little.

[Jazzy]

Wow, I'm really moved by your wanting to understand and be supportive as much as you can. That's really great of you!

I may not be the best one to talk about depression. I have infrequent extreme bouts of it, and not the more common long lasting variety. I hope I can shed some light on other things though.

The first thing I want to point out is that this has an effect on you too! I haven't seen it mentioned here, but you're a secondary survivor. It's very important to both of you that you accept that, and handle it appropriately.

Another big thing (bear with me here!), is that some of the details in your story seem contradictory. I point this out to say that it looks like a very complicated situation. I don't want to discourage you, but my hope is that you have realistic expectations. From what you've said so far, it's going to be a lot more like smoothing out a very large tangled knot, as opposed to slipping a bow undone. It will likely take a lot of therapy and treatment of different amounts at different times to get to where he wants to be.

Please also do your best to be understanding of his situation. I'm sure he wishes he could get better rest, that he was happier and was able to give those big smiles and laugh. Imagine having the worst day ever, every single day with no end in sight. I understand it looks like he is "finding" faults in the relationship, but I expect it's him missing how things were, like you are. He's not who he used to be, and that's difficult to understand on top of the difficulty of everything else he deals with, and with your confusion (being very new to PTSD), it's rough. With everything he's going through, I expect all of this is amplified in his mind drastically. That's one thing I've told repeatedly told people over the years. Imagine what you're feeling (in this case about your relationship) x1000, and that's what he's dealing with on top of all his other symptoms.

I can relate to a lot of the things you've mentioned, even the seeming contradictions. In my case, it had doctors prescribing me medication from every category there is, it turned in to quite a mess for a few years.

The most important thing I can tell you, is that he's on a journey to find healing, and he's often stuck in survival mode, against his own will, and possibly without his knowledge. You can help guide him, but he must ultimately make his own way through.

Again, it's really great how you're looking in to this with him. Please feel free to ask about anything else. It would also be great for him to get involved with a community/support group and ask his own questions.

All the best to both of you!

[boyfriendhasptsd]

Thank you all for your responses.

It's an awful situation. I do think I need to see a counselor as this is actually affecting me a lot.

He's become very distant in the past week, an event triggered his trauma and it's been worse. He says he isn't capable of having a relationship right now as it stresses him out.

I feel helpless and heartbroken to be honest. I feel like my old partner has passed away and I'm here burying him. It's awful. I can't begin to explain my pain.

Jazzy, thanks for your reply. You mentioned contradictions. Can you please explain these so I could clarify? There's so much to the situation.

Again, I'm just here trying to understand. It's hard because I do take his doubts very personal. I need to learn not to. The best advice I got was from cornerned spouse, supporting happily from a distance. I think that would be very useful in my situation.

Xxx

[sanmagic7]

have you looked up ptsd, its symptoms, its effects on relationships?  one thing i've found is that the more information i could get my hands on, the better i could understand what was going on and, more importantly, why.

i'm with the others who mentioned treatment.  it sounds like therapy would be good for both of you, both separately and together, if it's at all possible.  any traumatic stress wounding can be helped by someone who has professional experience with it.  you are being wounded now as well.  i would think you could both benefit from some professional help.

if he isn't willing to go, you could still go on your own for yourself.  unfortunately, ptsd can wound the ones we love - it starts within one person and spreads its tentacles to ensnare others who are closest to us.  i totally understand how it can feel like you're burying your old boyfriend - this is someone new, created by the trauma that happened to him.

it's not his fault, it's not your fault.  it sounds as if he's attempting to simply survive at this point.  has he talked about suicide?  if so, it may be a warning sign that he's very close to the edge, and a phone call to a helpline would definitely be in order to help keep him safe.

i've heard of this happening with other couples, by the by.   it is heartbreaking in the extreme, and my heart goes out to you, too.   hopefully, this trauma can be dealt with and resolved and the two of you can find a way to pick up the pieces and resume what you once had.  wishing you both the best with all this.  sending a hug full of compassion and care.

[Blueberry]

I do think I need to see a counselor as this is actually affecting me a lot.

That sounds like a very good idea to me.

On here, we talk a lot about self-care and trying to be good to yourself. I can recommend that for you too, as much as you can give yourself!

[Jazzy]

There's a lot of very good points here. I agree completely that educating yourself and seeking out your own counselor are great ideas. I think your feelings are perfectly natural, and I don't think ill of you at all for having them.

He says he isn't capable of having a relationship right now as it stresses him out.

I'm very sorry. There's really no words to do justice for how that feels. I can relate somewhat, I was told that about a month ago. 

Jazzy, thanks for your reply. You mentioned contradictions. Can you please explain these so I could clarify? There's so much to the situation.

I'm afraid I shouldn't have said anything about this. I really didn't mean to be judgmental at all, I just wanted to encourage you (both) to try to gain a better understanding of things, especially if medication is going to come in to play.

What I meant is that you have used words to describe his mental state like "numb", "emotionless", "dead inside". At the same time, you mention actions which suggest the opposite "he gets so angry", "he wakes in the night with flashbacks/nightmares/anxiety".

Please don't feel you owe me an explanation, or that you've said anything wrong. My only intention in saying this is to help. It's really difficult for someone on the outside to understand the thoughts and feelings on the inside. It seems really unfair, but the closer it can be explained to someone outside trying to help (counselor, therapists, doctor etc.), the smoother the process will be.

I'm sorry if I've caused any trouble.