Can this really be true?

[nojgin]

Hi
I always thought my parents were aliens, but it seems they were something much worse. A pair of narcs. 2 for the price of 1!

Anyway I have been in denial for so long that it all seems very odd, but makes so much sense at the same time. I am now 42!
I woke up, if you can call it that with a full on panic attack in the middle of the night, I thought I was dying. Little did I know that it was my perfebial bubble bursting.

My dad was at the centre of my current problem, having pulled a dirty trick on a grand scale. I kick myself for allowing him access to my life, but he had been so helpful and nice it looked like things were turning a corner. You only have one Dad I thought and it's best to try to make things work, even if things are sometimes difficult. More than difficult.

To give you a little bit of background my Dad had classed me as the difficult child at an early age. By the time I was 11 and found a voice of my own he really didn't like it and he found a school to send me to and left with my mum and sister abroad to work.
I was deeply unhappy, and it would seem traumatised with hindsight. I couldn't concentrate at school, got into all sorts of problems and was abused by some rather unsavoury teachers. ( however I was free from the narcs!)

Anyway I managed to find a path on my own after I grew up a little. I did suffer and still do with certain addictions, but thankfully managed to function reasonably well. I found it hard with relationships, and a continual anxiousness that there is disaster round every corner. I still do, but I now am more aware of it and know it's not a broken/pathetic/weak me causing it. Yes that is how I spoke to myself on a daily basis.

So back to the panic attack. I let my Dad into my good life I have built with loving ( very understanding ) wife and beautiful daughters with an offer of ..... Money. Early inheritance actually it was phrased. He is a wealthy man. I agreed to let him fund part of our extension to our home to be exact.
All great. Happy families...

Well what happened next. The building work starts and then... oh I cannot fund this anymore, as I have issues with my own house. He then bought a jacussi and went to Barbados.

Nice. In the meantime I lose the plot, have continual panic attacks, referred to therapy and then find a lot of childhood memories returning which must have been locked away in denial. I remember my Dad did exactly the same thing with presents, pocket money, trips out with my friends. He loved using money as control. There would be the carrot dangling and then it was gone.

My memories of financial, emotional and physical abuse go back to around 11. It was my mum who was physical and would blame me for her problems with my Dad. It was weird she would console herself with me and then put the boot in. I never knew when the evil side would come out. She loved to pinch and slap. I had no idea what was going on.

Anyway I am now in lots of debt, but at least I'm not indebted to my Dad. I am determined to turn a corner and face issues, now I know that I am recovering from childhood abuse that shaped the problems I experienced growing up and drive the current recurring anxiety, hyper vigilance, social phobia, panic attacks, insomnia, sex/porn addiction, and disassociation. I didn't even know what any of these problems were until my recent colllapse.

I would love to hear from people that have any perspectives on recovery. Whether I need to remember the early abuse ( I'm certain it's there- I have a clue as my mother was allowed to look after our children when they were very young. She left the baby in the house and went out with the toddler! The toddler blew her cover as she knew it was wrong and wanted me to know. When I quizzed her, she simply said I couldn't get her to stop crying and I was late , so left her in the cot. I did it with you all the time..... I think my mouth hung open. Ide really like to hear from anyone with advise on how to deal with the disfunction of narc parents still intent to involve themselves in your life.

Sorry it's a bit of a long post, but it was quite therapeutic writing it actually. Bye for now

[sanmagic7]

hey, nojgin,

glad you're here and beginning to find out about yourself and your life.  if you look around the forum, there is a lot of info that might give you some insight and direction.

i think that by posting here you have begun your recovery.  we all have a lot of issues, and it takes patience, time, and step by step movement to get hold of them, look them in the eye, and begin resolution.  every step counts, no matter how small.

also recovery is not necessarily a straight line (altho we usually wish it was).  sometimes it feels like we take a step forward, then are thrown back 2 steps.  don't let that stop you - it's all part of the process.   every movement, every step can be something to learn from, no matter which direction it goes.

so very sorry about the money issues, but it sounds like you're at least out from under them with your father.  i think that's a good thing.  hope to hear more from you.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, nojgin! Each person's recovery is their own, but from my perspective it's been education that's been the thing that's helped me most. Two great books to get started with are Pete Walker's book "From Surviving To Thriving" and "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. I found such validation, and tons of information. I've read them each a couple of times and I get more out of them each time I read them.

Thanks for joining! I hope you find this forum as informative and supportive as many of us have. 

Audio version of "The Body..."
https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg Part 1, and https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ Part 2

[nojgin]

Many thanks for the replies
I'll take a look at the links and sounds helpful.
I wonder if anyone has any experience with narc parents that are still very much alive and still causing difficulties? They are a huge trigger I believe. My dad wants to get control in aspects of my life and children's lives. My mum doesn't  bother, can't even buy a Christmas present, but then is really * if she doesn't get enough attention. She is always Ill or talking about illness, it is quite exhausting. Every conversation leads back to her. If one of the children is ill, she will almost instantly turn this around onto her.
It makes me MAD!
Any advice from anyone with experience with this sort of behaviour would be great!

Thanks

[sanmagic7]

there are many people here who have posted about going nc (no contact) with continually triggering friends and family.  i've done so with my daughter, for one.  i don't know if you're ready for that yet, but it's the only thing that has truly helped me, altho it took a long time for me to get to that place.  she, too, is in victim mode, with everything turned toward her no matter how anyone else feels.

there are lots of other examples of how people have dealt with parents.  please, keep looking around the forum.  it's a treasure trove of info and examples.  we know how rough it can be around the holidays with foo.  wishing you the best.  here's a hug if you want one.   

[Three Roses]

It also occurred to me, when I read your post, about going no contact (NC). When my own parents were alive, I went limited contact (LC) with them and am NC now with the one sibling.

There are some helpful resources online for dealing with narcissists. Richard Grannon has many videos on YouTube on the subject; this is one of the shorter ones.
https://youtu.be/vcWvJmWIlo0

Lisa A Romano has some great tips on disarming a narcissist when you have to deal with one.
https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

Keep posting, keep asking questions, I believe you will find your way out. If I could say one more thing, it would be not to rush things. Just as each person has their own background, we also must each move at a pace that's comfortable for us and rushing our healing can actually cause more damage. In the case of undiscovered or suppressed memories, forcing yourself to remember can also cause more damage.

Just keep posting and asking questions. We'll support and validate you on the way.

[Blueberry]

Hi nojgin,

Welcome on here. 

You've done a great step just realising all you've realised and writing it out. 

I let my parents back into my life after a good few years of NC. They seemed to have changed, but they hadn't of course. We are back LC after a harrowing time for me a while back.

I agree with Three Roses here:

If I could say one more thing, it would be not to rush things. Just as each person has their own background, we also must each move at a pace that's comfortable for us and rushing our healing can actually cause more damage. In the case of undiscovered or suppressed memories, forcing yourself to remember can also cause more damage.

and also that education is very useful and important.

I'd also like to refer you to something my T recently told me http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8370.msg57699#msg57699 This helps me with the idea that I may not have to remember everything or process everything with trauma informed T. There was some very early stuff abuse and neglect in my life too.