What about mum?

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nojgin

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What about mum?
« on: December 09, 2017, 07:03:13 PM »
My father is a narc.
Emotionally abusive to me from quite an early age. Sent me to boarding school at 12 as he couldnít cope that I had already spotted something was really not right with him and the family dynamics. I get it now, but Iím struggling with mum. She is distant, hypochondriac, and smiles falsely. Her quick cuddle gives me chills. What does this mean?
Is she a narc as well. I remember she did everything my dad wants, isnít allowed to pick up a phone and have her own friends.
However she can be a nightmare and cause all sorts of problems, especially if she feels she is being critised. Anyone venture a guess? I am LC now but wonder if I need to fight the narc Dad for her sanity?!
Cheers

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sanmagic7

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2017, 07:26:42 PM »
dear nojgin, personally, i can't guess at what's going on with your mum, except possibly co-dependency.  what i think, tho, is that she and your dad are adults and have their own relationship that began before you were around.  trying to fight a narc is, to my mind, a futile endeavor. 

i understand how very difficult it is to watch someone you love be abused - been there, done that.  my opinion is that they need to work out their problems on their own.  in the meantime, you have plenty of resolution and healing to do for yourself.  self-care is a priority when in recovery. 

i'm very sorry that your mother is in the middle of a less than wonderful relationship, and i'm also sorry you have to see it happening.  i do sincerely hope she can get herself out sooner than later.  i think the best you can do is take care of you.  sending a hug filled with compassion and strength.

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Three Roses

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2017, 07:27:17 PM »
In an earlier post, you said:
Quote
Whether I need to remember the early abuse ( Iím certain itís there- I have a clue as my mother was allowed to look after our children when they were very young. She left the baby in the house and went out with the toddler! The toddler blew her cover as she knew it was wrong and wanted me to know. When I quizzed her, she simply said I couldnít get her to stop crying and I was late , so left her in the cot. I did it with you all the time..... I think my mouth hung open. Ide really like to hear from anyone with advise on how to deal with the disfunction of narc parents still intent to involve themselves in your life. 

It's up to you to decide what you can do and how close a relationship with your parents you can tolerate. Speaking from my own experience, it's impossible to "save" an adult.

In my opinion the best you can do is work on your own recovery and be an involved and caring partner.

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BlancaLap

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2017, 07:30:22 PM »
As they said, the best you can do is try to help yourself. Don't try to help someone else if you yourself need help.

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nojgin

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2017, 08:48:34 PM »
Thanks all
Yes I am definitely aware that I need to help me first and foremost, but canít help but wonder about Mum.
What sort of relationships do Narc Fathers have with spouses? I thought they like to move from relationship to relationship. My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. I think if I can gain some insights this will help me in some ways move on.
Any thoughts or perspectives?
Mum seems to complain constantly about her health, pain in the body that moves about. Sheís had body scans galor. Nothing ever found. Is this a cry for help, narc activity or something else? Any insights welcome.
Cheers


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Blueberry

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2017, 09:04:00 PM »
I tried to 'save' my F for years. He's the codependent, enabling one. Took me a long time to realise and accept that he's not a victim in the same way as his own children, me and my brothers. He's an adult and ought to have behaved like one when we were growing up. By protecting us. But he took the easy way out. He didn't protect himself (much) or us. Meanwhile as I said I spent years protecting him, or trying to. Sometimes I ended up protecting M from him as well. Even though she's the more actively abusive one, she also suffered under him.

Based on my experiences, I can only repeat what the others wrote: it's our parents' business to figure out their own issues. We can't solve anything for them. The energy and time is much better spent on ourselves.

The only person I'd attempt to help is a minor child or a pet if it's being neglected/abused, because they can't help themselves. But even there, there might be only so much we can do.

I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for.

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sanmagic7

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2017, 09:23:45 PM »
i was married to a narc for 20 yrs.  i was the one to finally break it off - he would've stayed married, and actually tried to get me back with him many times.  they don't necessarily go from relationship to relationship.  when they find one that provides enough narcissist supply, they will often stay with that person.   i definitely gave him plenty.

narcs often do things that make them look good to the outer world.  my ex was in the delivery room with me when my daughter was born, altho he'd refused to go to classes or read books about childbirth.  he was absolutely no support during delivery, but no one knows that.  all they know is that he was there, and they probably assume that he was helpful, supportive and loving with me and the baby as well.  nothing could be further from the truth.

so, in this case, with your mother ill, it may be that your father knows it looks good for him to stay with her.  he can look like a helpful, supportive husband, standing by his wife thru all her illnesses, no matter what is really going on between them.  your mother's pains and illnesses may be ways (perhaps unconsciously) to keep him close or get some kind of attention from him.  co-dependency is a game with its own rules.

those are just my experience and opinions, nojgin.  i don't know for sure, and am not trying to diagnose.  only they know what's really going on between them, but i'll agree with the others that we can't fix other adult's relationships.  best to you with this.    big supportive hug.

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nojgin

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2017, 10:35:15 PM »
Thank you so much. Incredible to hear from someone that has been up close and personal for many years. I feel for you. I can relate in some ways, as it was strange how I could hate my dad, but make the most amount of excuses for him and was in complete denial myself until the bubble burst and I could remember lots of my childhood very suddenly, ( overnight)
 It seemed everyone else thought our family was solid and we were made to feel somewhat special.
My dad is a covert version narc and particularly sneaky. Would love to hear from anyone who might have had one of these?
My memories from 10, 11 years old is having these continual mind altering arguments. He would not listen to anything I had to say and I was made to feel that my opinion was just plain wrong. I felt like the adult and I tried to use logic to explain why I didnít understand, but it was always rebuffed with these techniques;

Insulting me and shouting close range ( what do you know your only a child, you really are backward in your thinking, you really do get things wrong )
Or
Making me feel I have done something terrible ( you are a disgrace, you have no respect, I find you disgusting, I canít even look at you)
Or
Removed himself ( he had a special room he would sulk off to. I would be left sitting there wondering what on earth?)
Or
Using my mum and then abuse her infront of me ( are you going to stand for this? Is this how you are bringing him up? - my mum would speak to me after attacks crying telling me I was killing our family! )

The overriding memory was one of why donít any problems, or arguements ever get resolved. They were just not discussed and I would find it unnerving that my Dad would just act like nothing happened. I knew it was wrong.

If anyone has had similiar experiences I would be glad to hear your story. I now know I have CPTSD as I have many of the symptoms - itís a relief in some ways, as I had convinced myself I was not a great person after different addictions, failing schools, memory problems, and having a consistent urge to hide whenever life throws up problems/stress.

Thanks for reading, I am really finding it very helpful to write it out. These forums are a really good way of expressing yourself, as apart from a therapist I donít really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

Thanks again


« Last Edit: December 10, 2017, 06:21:20 PM by nojgin »

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nojgin

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2017, 06:27:36 PM »
Not sure if anyone has any experience with covert narc parent? I wondered if there might be some insights about what I posted above from those of you that have dealt with the fallout from one of these problem causing people?
« Last Edit: December 10, 2017, 08:01:50 PM by Blueberry »

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Three Roses

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Re: What about mum?
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2017, 10:18:02 PM »
My own F was totally egocentric. Everything was about him and he made sure everyone knew it. I doubt that he would have been officially diagnosed as a narcissist (about .5 - 1% of the general population are true NPDs)* but he certainly had many of the same symptoms and narcissistic behaviors.

I think I had every reaction to him that a person can have to a narcissist. Anger, hoping he'd change, trying to get him to see things from a different perspective - all that and more. I finally settled on acceptance and limited contact with him and my enabling M. I couldn't rescue her because, even though at times she made noises to the contrary, she didn't want rescuing.

As my LC with them continued, I began to see more and more how sick and enmeshed they were. Each fed off of the other; my F being deliberately cruel, my M accepting her abuse like a martyr. Each of them needed the other to continue the roles and self-perception they had adopted.

As you spend time reading others' stories here, I think you'll realize you are not alone - not in the least.

*https://www.sane.org/the-sane-blog/mental-illness/is-narcissism-common-the-answer-may-surprise-you