Un-learning for a fresh start...

[woodsgnome]

I was recently touched on hearing of a distant acquaintance who'd  died. Actually, she chose not to continue treatments for brain tumors which she'd been battling for 10 years. At age 20, she'd had more experience than most, and her loss was heart-breaking to those who'd seen her battle against all odds to find her way.

The tumors were so aggressive that recovery was uncertain, but regardless she bounced back each time. Meaning, though, that she had to literally re-learn everything--from speech, to movement and really most of anything that everyone else takes for granted. Along the way, though, she developed a passion for art and created beautiful works even when undergoing massive treatments.

She got to a college she dearly wanted to attend, but by then more tumors interfered, and her difficulties re-ignited. Speech became difficult, major depression flared, and though she became a model for others suffering similarly, she soon was worn out.

This all made me think--of the similarities to other forms of mental recovery work, including the brain illness/injury we know as cptsd. One aspect that hit home was the re-learning part. While her mental and sensorimotor acuity was diminished due to natural circumstances, and not induced as in cptsd, it gives pause to realize what's truly involved in our various attempts at recovery (or wholeness, as I inwardly prefer to call it).

Re-learning. In her case, that involved literally everything. That may not be true for all recovering from cptsd, but there are huge chunks of life where that's what it takes to make any progress. There's no grand lesson in all this, but her death has hopefully made me feel less complacent and driftless. I take it for granted that I'm no good, defective, done in by stuff left over from my old story. One that requires lots of un-learning.

Coming out of that tunnel, I'm still learning, and much of it is brand new. Lots of how-to material, from loosening my deep people fears, to being able to function around others for any length of time and still feel okay; while also yearning to break away from so much dissociation/numbness in my life. While this reflection comes by way of grief, it points another way to not always move entirely past the hard parts, but to incorporate them into healing, if possible.

Maybe it's not a coincidence that I ran into this quote yesterday: We don't have to change what we see. Only the way we see it." At first, I wondered--huh; how would I view abuse/trauma any differently? But I guess maybe 'the way' to see is key; maybe I can choose to see the old junk only in the rear-view mirror, and not let it in as a passenger. 

[Three Roses]

But I guess maybe 'the way' to see is key; maybe I can choose to see the old junk only in the rear-view mirror, and not let it in as a passenger.

Brilliant!