Flashback mode

[PeTe]

It sounds so strange to call it a flashback, when it feels like it's been there for ages.

My negative feelings intensified when I went back to try working a bit again. A few hours yesterday, the same for tomorrow and Friday. My problem was being in an unresolved conflict with my former boss for 1,5 years (in addition to earlier traumas). I felt really uneasy, tense, useless, worthelss, loveless (I actually dissociate from remembering some of the feelings I had), sad, hurt, afraid of the future - that I may never work or find a girlfriend - and in the moment feeling that it's just too much to deal with. I then chatted with a friend and I calmed down so much, and realisied how badly I was treating myself. Now I'm way calmer, and not on a bad emotional trip. I'm really glad I reached out to her, after first ruling out talking to one frien after the other. I hope I'll be able to control this better.

I'm realising it's perhaps too early to go to work again. That has me wondering how long time it might take. I really don't want to be on a sick leave, but I have to take care of myself too. It's hard to know what's worse - not working for a long time or exposing myself to some stress/triggers. Will discuss working or not with my therapist.

[M.R.]

I'm sorry that it didn't go as smoothly as you were probably hoping. I'm sure that you will find a solution that works for you and will work for your work also PeTe.

I understand the worry about working. I want to work and be able to do things. But because of where I am, I'm going to have to file for social security and it kills me. I want my independence just like anyone would.

Melodie

[Three Roses]

I know the feeling of not wanting to miss work, but it seems when I push myself I stay sick or get sicker. Sometimes it makes more sense to make sure you're recovered, just my opinion.

[PeTe]

MelodieRose, thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I'm sorry you have such a flashback that you're not able to work. I was unable to study or work for four years some time back. I really hope that's not going to be the case for you. I do understand how hard it hits you. If there's any comfort in it, I was able to get back to working full time and leading a normal life, I'm confident that I will once again and I'm sure you will too.

Three Roses, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Tonight I slept badly and woke early from a nightmarish dream about work. I was quite tired and sweating a bit after 2,5 hours work. I spoke to my psychologist today, and he said it's too early judging by my reactions. I'll get there eventually.

[Blueberry]

I know the feeling of not wanting to miss work, but it seems when I push myself I stay sick or get sicker. Sometimes it makes more sense to make sure you're recovered, just my opinion.

I'm sorry you're both having problems with not being able to work, or not being able to go back to work as soon as you'd like. If you're interested, you can check the Employment threads where you will find tons of posts from me on this very issue. They're unfortunately not always so hopeful, but that doesn't mean everybody's going to experience it so badly for so long.

[PeTe]

I'll check them out some time. Now it just seems a bit much. It's like I'm mentally exhausted, but not having trouble with EFs. Maybe this is what relaxing feels like now

[Healing Finally]

Thank you PeTe for your topic.    Soooooooo interesting because today I have been fantasizing about taking a leave of absence from work.  I have been in such a triggered state due to lots of ups and downs with my family and boyfriend.  I feel like I need to heal, but instead here I am at work, dealing with all the baloney that goes on that can trigger me so fast!  - I do worry that I might get myself in trouble, so I am laying low.  It doesn't seem like a good way to heal, being in a triggering environment.

But, such is life, I will manage...as I dooooooooooo... take care

[PeTe]

Healing Finally, it's easy to push oneself too far, but it's extremely hard to say beforehand. In your case it might be more triggering to be at home, since it's related to your boyfriend and family. Still, the sum of everything might get too much at some point. Are you in therapy? With that much going on, it might be a good solution to find out how to reduce stress short-term. Anyway you do it, hope you find a way to a better place