Can I be having an emotional flashback or am I getting a PD? TW - SI, self harm

[greendoor]

I think I am having an EF. This week has been hard. My DD is a teenager and she was being bulllied, and the mom of the bully called me and I had to stand up for my DD. It went well, but I wanted to resort to "flight." Then DD's BF dumped her. She was crying so hard last night. She has been through a lot and I love her. But I think her pain triggered my past pain.

When I was growing up my mom was a raging alcoholic. I had to walk on eggshells and never express my deep feelings. I also was bullied in a similar way, and I am no stranger to a broken heart. But I am wondering if I was so emotionally abandoned, that the typical pain of adolescence was compounded in a way because of my family situation. I have emotional flashbacks sometimes when it comes to abuse from my mom. But I didn't know if you could have one for other experiences that occurred DURING the time that I was being abused by my mom--being rejected, hurt, bullied, and dumped by other people too (during that time).

Last night, I comforted my DD but when she went to bed I was overwhelmed with grief, but it felt like my grief. It was like drowning in depression. I felt like I couldn't breathe and wanted to throw up. I actually have felt several times this week like I need to self harm. I don't deal with that. And feelings like I am so worthless I should just die. I think my inner critic went ballistic on me last night. Thoughts like, "Everything I touch, I ruin. I fail at everything. I am such a loser. I am a horrible mom. I am all alone. No one loves me. Everyone thinks I am stupid." All this anger, injustice, helplessness, emptiness, lonleliness, shame, embarrassment AT feeling this way. And guilt for going through these feelings.

I am super perfectionist. And I posted an inspirational quote on social media yesterday and someone posted a critical response, saying it is unbiblical. She quoted a verse about * and judgment. It made no sense. My inspirational quote had nothing to do with religion, let alone *. But I felt so judged, I deactivated my social media account (flight). I have been dissociating. Then I activated the account again and responded to her. Then I felt stupid so I just deleted my entire post.

I feel like I am going crazy. I still feel like this. Last night as I was trying to sleep, and my mind was raging on me. I had this quiet thought. "What if this is an emotional flashback?" So I got out my Pete Walker book. I think what confused me is that my trigger is not my mom this time, but pain from adolescence. I didn't know I would be triggered by seeing someone I love, bullied, dumped and in pain. I know I would feel compassion for my kid and help her. But I think it brought up some deep things for me too. Is this possible? The only other thing that could be happening is that I am losing my mind and going nuts.

[Dee]

I absolutely get triggered by my children.  I have also wondered if I am a good mom, should I even of had kids.  Yet, my kids tell me I am a good mom.  Their actions, good hearts, and successes show me that too.   So I try to get through suicidal ideation and resist self harm for them.  I hope to do it more for me, and I am getting there a little bit at a time. 

I have wanted to protect my kids from all pain.  I was once asked why would I want to do that?  They can't feel happiness without having pain.

Almost anything can trigger an EF.  It just is, but I hope knowing that someone else has been triggered helps.  I once cried for days over some issues my son was having at school.  It's okay and everything turned out okay though it didn't feel like it would at the time.

[greendoor]

Thank you for sharing Dee <3

I want so bad to be a good mom. I am constantly comparing myself to my BPDm. Of course it is apples and oranges, because she was a severe alcoholic and I don't drink at all. Our home is healthier. I have an opposite personality of my BPDm. She is controlling, mean, angry, explosive, and scary at times. But she would have moments of kindness. To me now, it feels like those moments were used to draw me back into her confidence. To make me dependent upon her approval.

So when I get upset, it reminds me of her. Even though I try to bottle it all inside. I feel bad when I feel bad. I feel guilty when I have emotions. I feel scared when I have a EF.

You are right. This with my DD will get better. <3 Thank you for sharing that this situation could trigger an EF. And that things your children have gone through have triggered these things for you too.

[Inky]

That sounds so upsetting, greendoor! Just reading your experience, I know I feel the same helplessness when a loved one is bullied - and it could trigger the helplessness of being a child who depends on an unreliable and abusive caretaker.

I love that part of you that recognized you were maybe in an EF. I hear that voice too sometimes, looking out for me 💕 I know this was written a while ago — I hope things are better for you and your daughter!  Hugs!