Therapist wants me to relive trauma - don't want to *tw*

[songbirdrosa]

I'm not sure that "relive" is entirely the right word, but I can't think of anything else. So what she wants me to do is to write down, in explicit detail, everything that I can remember about my brother molesting me as a child. For me, this is the hardest part of my trauma to talk about, even to recall small parts of it is tremendously painful. To go into it in depth, and permanently on paper, for me is unthinkable. Simply saying that's what happened is as much as I can bear. I can't say exactly what occurred, only 'yes' or 'no' when someone lists off possible scenarios. I feel like crying at the mere idea of having to put it all out there.

She says that I need to deal with it because it's very obviously still causing me issues, but I question whether or not this is the best way to go about that. I know I've kept it buried for so long for a very good reason. Is it possible this could potentially cause more harm? I've heard of people being re-traumatised by being forced to recall damaging events in their lives and I feel like this could happen here. I just don't think I can do this.

[ah]

Ouch, I'm so sorry you're put in this position. Sounds very rough.

I'm not a therapist, just one person with cptsd, so this is just my personal opinion.
But I wouldn't do it. Not just would I not want to do it but I'd also feel it'd be counter productive to do it and I'd say thanks but no thanks.
This is your therapy, not the therapist's.  T's learn different techniques, have ideas, but it's our journey. And it's a long winding one.

Your therapist has an idea, is making a suggestion, but it's just that and you're free to weigh it, give it some thought and decide whether you'd like to try it or not. You have every right to say so if it doesn't feel right to you.
It would absolutely not feel right to me, but that's just my personal opinion.

Everything I've read about trauma so far consistently says that just going back to a trauma and opening up isn't necessarily therapeutic. It can do harm. Our traumatized brain can't tell the difference between past and present, so it can be re-traumatizing.

The main trauma related to cptsd is people related. It isn't the experience of a specific event, right? Because we've had so many of these traumatizing events, that's why it's cumulative trauma. Not just a specific incident. Focusing on the experience may not do any good. It isn't where the biggest harm of cptsd lies. Well, that's how I feel.

If memories from the past keep haunting us and we feel a strong need to analyze and process them better, then we can. It isn't a must, you can absolutely work on improving the symptoms of cptsd without it, in my limited personal experience. But you can go and look at a specific memory if you need to.
To do it, you'd ideally need a safe place: with a gentle, knowledgeable, safe relationship with a t, wish support.
And most importantly: you'd do it having learned about the brain and what trauma means, and about cptsd, and then also after having learned grounding techniques so that as you work on past memories, you stay grounded in the present.

Then it can be helpful, then your brain can feel the pain it felt back then while also knowing that it's now here, in the present, not in the past.

From all I've been reading, this seems to be able to help.
But just describing a past trauma isn't enough, it can do harm rather than good. Narrative therapy isn't always helpful for ordinary ptsd, it can be re-traumatizing. And it can be far more re-traumatizing when it comes to cptsd.

I think the way you describe it and see it is wise, realistic, cautious, self caring... and if you feel this isn't for you then you know your own feelings and I trust your feelings completely.  I'd feel exactly like you. Exactly.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, no that shouldn't happen, the idea is to relieve not re live! Can you do EMDR therapy with her at all? I just speak from personal experience and this has been such a good result for me where although you go back to a trauma and pick a particular image, the re processing helps to move it into your brain into a logical,place plus relieving the built up emotions inside you, not sure if it's something you can or what want to do and I definitely wasn't keen on the idea, but now I can't rate it enough.

[Three Roses]

I think you should definitely trust your instincts here! It really can be further damaging to go through your memories when you're not ready. Imo, trust your gut.

[Dee]

There are different ways of doing this.  I have been doing art.  I believe what she is asking is for you to do a trauma narrative.  The conventional way of doing this is by writing, it isn't what I do.   Really it can be anyway you like.  Art, writing, poems, song, laying rocks on the ground, beads, there are so many possibilities.

I once looked up trauma narrative to find out why it is so important.  I can't remember the site but I did get good information.

[Blueberry]

So what she wants me to do is to write down, in explicit detail, everything that I can remember about my brother molesting me as a child. For me, this is the hardest part of my trauma to talk about, even to recall small parts of it is tremendously painful. To go into it in depth, and permanently on paper, for me is unthinkable. Simply saying that's what happened is as much as I can bear.

Sounds horrendous, trust your instinct. My last T wanted me to do similar too, even though I said I can't write without self-harming. He didn't think that was an issue. Hello?? I didn't go back, looked for a new T instead, where I've been for about 3 years now. I can now write on here without self-harming, but I can't do a whole narrative.

If you don't want to do something, a trauma T shouldn't force you to imho. ime that can really harm us. The T goes through our defences, doesn't accept our 'No', for me it's been like a retraumatisation before. Really really bad. My present T spent a long time teaching me to go into the traumatic memories in a very 'measured' way. Search for Screen Processing to find what I wrote about that.

IMO and IME your T should be exploring with you why you don't want to. What does your inner voice say? Are you frightened? Is it too much? are you angry?

Good luck with this.

[Rainagain]

I think its a bad idea your therapist has come up with and it is known to cause more damage, avoid.

I've read about this risk somewhere recently, might be on this very site. It is mentioned in the article just added about using pathological language in relation to cptsd.

I would ask your therapist about the risk of being retraumatised. If they don't know about that risk be wary.

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks everyone for your input 

I'm a little unsure about this therapist in general, actually. Some other red flags for me have been her insisting that my anxiety isn't a problem because "everyone has it at some point", completely disregarding how severe and crippling to my day to day life it is. She seems to just decide what I need, rather than listening to my concerns and issues and trying to work through it with me like my previous psychologist. That's not to say that she hasn't helped at all, or doesn't have any good methods or advice. But the ratio of good to questionable is probably around 50:50 right now, so I'm not sure if it's worth it.

I do have the option to change (I'm going through a free victim's advocacy service for this) so I think I'll have to consider it if the next session is still giving me pause.

[Rainagain]

Songbirdrosa,

You are likely to find it hard to build trust if your T is only correct half the time.

Just my instant reaction to your post, not telling you what to do.

[sanmagic7]

songbird, from a therapist's perspective, i believe a new t will serve you better.  the operative phrase is 'serve you'.  as others have mentioned, you know what's best for you, this is your recovery, and you definitely have a say in what you will or will not do, what bothers you, what you don't like, etc.

that you have other red flags about this t is what sealed the deal on my opinion.  how can your t dismiss your anxiety so nonchalantly?  no, i don't think that's ok at all.  trying to compare your anxiety with anyone else's just isn't right. 

no one has the capability to do something like that.  it's like saying that your pain isn't so bad, look what other people are dealing with.  no one can possibly know what you're dealing with and how it affects you.   just my opinions, of course.  you are the source for knowing about you, and your voice about that counts more than anyone else's.  big hug, and best to you with this.

[Kat]

I agree with what others have said about trusting your gut.  I also have to voice agreement with Dee about creating a trauma narrative.  I have no way of knowing, but I would guess this is what your T is going for.  Right now, you may not be ready for that...you are not ready for that.  But, I wouldn't completely discount the idea of going back to process some of the trauma.  Again, to echo Dee, that can look many different ways.  It doesn't have to be writing in excruciating detail what you endured.  I think a good therapist will be patient and allow those traumas to come up when you are ready to process them. 

Personally, I don't have a lot of memories of my abuse.  I was in therapy for years before some of the traumatic events began to present themselves as "something like memories" in the therapy room.  We went through a couple grueling years of re-enactments and enactments of the trauma and gained a lot of insight and freedom.  However, there came a point where my T began to encourage me to fight against slipping into the state where the trauma memories would come up because she was afraid it was becoming more traumatizing than helpful.  She told me that there was no need to know every single detail.  We've mostly moved beyond that.  Occasionally, something might come up that really wants to be known, but it's never anything "new" or not in line with what we already know. 

Just my two cents.  Hope it helps a bit.  I wish you all the best.  Trust yourself.

[songbirdrosa]

Hi everyone, thanks again for your opinions on this, it's very conflicting for me right now.

I was supposed to see her last week but had to cancel because I went away unexpectedly, and I have to admit I was more than a little relieved at having a reason to not see her. From my experience, it's troubling that I'm still not comfortable discussing things with her and having such significant reservations after three rather long sessions already. One thing I didn't mention last time was that I feel somewhat sidelined by her behaviour in regards to keeping appointments. She's been at least fifteen minutes late on two of my appointments so far (nearly half an hour late on my last one), and can't seem to get me out the door fast enough when my time is up. I almost feel like because I'm not paying her personally - she gets money from the program I'm going through - that she prioritises her full-fee paying clients over me.

I think it'd be very rude if I were to change without giving her notice, but I'm in a position where the free therapy I'm getting is limited to a maximum of 22 hours, so I also don't want to use up precious time I could have with a more suitable therapist. But I suppose I need to do what I think is right for me, and I really don't like the idea of spending another session with her.

[Sceal]

I think you need to do what is right for you.
What I've learned is that you have to be stabilized before you even think about processing your traumas like your current T is suggesting. With that I mean no self-harm,  and as little as hypersensitivity/mobilization as possible. As in your anxiety is more under control. I am sure there's more aspects too to stabilization that I don't know about. But until you're stabilized it's likely to do just more damage.

I want to talk about my traumas, to move past them. But I find myself unable to, and I need my T to engage and direct. And she isn't. So I have the oposite problem of you in regards to that. But limited time? I think that just suck!
Limited time in therapy for someone who has cptsd or ptsd is just wrong. There are times when limited thereapy sessions are needed, but not with people suffering from these.. Because it's so hard to trust, and it takes such a long time.

Write a pro and con list. See if that can help you.

[Mussymel]

SongBirdRosa I eventually reported my abuse to the child services here and went through an official investigation. I did this because I heard my abuser was working with primary school kids. As part of the investigation I had to sit with two social workers and describe everything that happened. It was extremely difficult but they were hugely supportive. They then did a report and sent it to me. I have spoken about what happened to me many times but usually in a general way, not the detail. To see it all written down in black and white was extremely upsetting and sent me into a massive spiral. They had warned me that it would be difficult and even rang me to make sure I had support before they sent the report. In other words there was a very clear acknowledgment that this was going to have a traumatic effect on me. I would find it very strange that a T who is supposed to be experienced in trauma work would ask you to do something like that on your own. That to me shows a lack of understanding of the effects of trauma. I think you have to trust your gut on this one. I understand the feelings of obligation when you are getting the sessions for free, I have similar reactions. But in the long run bad therapy will hinder your recovery. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Blueberry]

Songbirdrosa, it could even be that your T somehow realises on some level she's not a good match for you (her turning up late e.g.) but she's too idk arrogant or something to speak up about it. Or she's waiting for you to do it, thinking that that should be the next step in your therapy. Who knows exactly. 

I totally agree with Mussymel and Sceal! There are in fact ways to talk about trauma which are less traumatising, like talking about yourself in the third person, "This happened to songbirdrosa" instead of "to me". These methods exist because talking too early or looking at the trauma in some other form can retraumatise.

I'd trust your gut on this one! I've been though a lot of Ts, and they were not all good, not even the ones who purportedly were specialised in trauma T. Some of them did more harm than good. You don't owe her anything. Taking care of yourself isn't rude. I can understand where that feeling might come from. I used to think saying "No" was rude. But it's not. It's self-protection. STanding with you.