Father with cancer and temper tantrums

[elocinorca33]

Hi! This is my first post here.

I grew up with emotional abuse from my mother and neglect from my father but they both deny that they ever did anything wrong in their parenting of me. I've been seeing a therapist for the past year who has helped me both acknowledge my experiences and validate my feelings, but also navigate my interactions with my parents. But this holiday season has been really hard.

I found out in November that my dad has lung cancer. His prognosis has been extremely positive the whole time, but he's very whiney about it. He's been throwing temper tantrums at family gatherings whenever he feels he's been slighted, even though no one has done anything to inconvenience him.

Yesterday, we went to a restaurant and the waitress made a mistake and we were over charged. My dad starts screaming at her saying "I've dealt with too much * in my life, now I'm done! It's ok, I'll just never come back here and I'll give you a raving review online!" then he shouts to another couple eating dinner "check your bill!" just generally causing a huge scene.

I have absolutely no sympathy and I don't think I need to. I've been kind and accommodating to the extent to which I can still respect my needs, but I'm not going to negotiate with this behavior. My mother and other family members are guilting me into being nicer to my dad but I don't want to at all.

Can anyone give me advice from an outsider's perspective? Am I being calloused? I've been communicating with him minimally since this behavior starting happening. I'm so frustrated!! I live two states away and I cannot wait to go home.

Thanks!!

[BlancaLap]

Hi! This is my first post here.

Welcome

I grew up with emotional abuse from my mother and neglect from my father but they both deny that they ever did anything wrong in their parenting of me.

That's very common here... sadly

I've been seeing a therapist for the past year who has helped me both acknowledge my experiences and validate my feelings, but also navigate my interactions with my parents. But this holiday season has been really hard.

Congratulations for finding a good T

Can anyone give me advice from an outsider's perspective? Am I being calloused? I've been communicating with him minimally since this behavior starting happening. I'm so frustrated!! I live two states away and I cannot wait to go home.

Thanks!!

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It is normal for you to not want to be with your father like this. I think the best you can do is stay away from him, at least when he is that mad...

[sanmagic7]

hey, eloc,

glad you posted here.  i don't think you have to tolerate abusive behavior no matter what the circumstances.  been there, done that, and it only got me sick. 

it's an unfortunate situation, but that doesn't make it your problem.   you have every right to take care of yourself no matter what's going on with anyone else.

welcome to the forum.  hope you get home soon.