phone call

[Blueberry]

 A FOO member phoned. Since I'm VVVLC not NC, it's OK sort of. I know if I had an uptodate phone, I could have ignored, but I don't.

I medium-chilled my way through, I think. Didn't offer information about me. I engaged more with the children. I feel passive though. I let this happen. Idk really what I think about it yet. One thing is: the rest of FOO might start thinking it's OK to phone. The other thing is: I don't have any feelings.

I know what FOO did to me in childhood up until early adulthood and last time I saw them, including the FOO member who phoned. They don't seem to. I speak to them as if none of that happened. I dissociate. It's the only way.

[BlancaLap]

I dissociate. It's the only way.

I understand what you say, the same happens to me, but I can't control it. I wish I didn't dissociate because I think that way my response would not be the response I would want to give, but it seems it is not something I can control.
I think you should ask yourself, do you really enjoy those phonecalls? Is it worth it? What would happen if you don't respond to those calls? What's the worst that may happen?

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Hope you're ok after that phone call - you did well to medium chill your way through it - you coped.  Well done for handling it.
I hope it doesn't spoil your enjoyment of your intended time away.
Take care,
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i think you did fine with dealing with that call.  i hope you're still doing ok with the aftermath, if any - emotional, mental, psychological.  i often don't react in real time, but later on it will hit me.

warm, loving hug to you, my dear.

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much san and Hope! I don't react in real time either. Whatever the aftermath may be, it hasn't come yet.

I don't think it'll spoil my time away. If anything, gives me more impetus to get away and spend time with friends. Since I don't have a FOO that you could call 'family' in the sense of people there for you, it's so much more important to spend time with healthier people.

With all the anger I feel towards FOO including the member who phoned, it feels a bit funny to sit there and not feel the anger. But OTOH I didn't get into any kind of argument or pleading with a FOO member to see things my way, and that's good! So you're right Hope - I coped. 

[Blueberry]

I think you should ask yourself, do you really enjoy those phonecalls? Is it worth it? What would happen if you don't respond to those calls?

It was the first FOO phone call for over a year.

[ah]

I didn't get into any kind of argument or pleading with a FOO member to see things my way, and that's good!

That's amazing! That's beyond good, in my mind. You know you have a right to yourself and to your emotions no matter how they see it. That's the ultimate anti abuse. 

[Blueberry]

That's amazing! That's beyond good, in my mind. You know you have a right to yourself and to your emotions no matter how they see it. That's the ultimate anti abuse. 

Thanks! It feels good to read that. Because I've come back from my few days away thinking about that example with the back yard swimming pool. My walls are so destroyed by years of FOO verbal / emotional / intellectual abuse that I'm incapable of defending myself. Incapable of putting phone down and saying "I don't want to talk to you." It feels as if I just let them plough their way in again. So I guess actually saying I don't want to talk  is a further step along the way. But first I merely didn't engage in any argument.

Fortunately I have T on Tuesday and will go and discuss.

[Three Roses]

Awesome! Yay, progress!! 

[Blueberry]

tbh I don't feel the progress. I feel I let myself down.

[BlancaLap]

tbh I don't feel the progress. I feel I let myself down.

That's horrible!! I'm so sorry D:

I'm going through the same... maybe it will help to remember how you were when you were better? Maybe remembering how you get there, trying to feel all that again... like you were in that exact situation and were the exact same person you were?

[Kizzie]

Baby steps BB, please be kind to yourself 

[Sceal]

I think that you managed to avoid pleading with them to understand you, and the fact that you managed to control what you told them about what's going on with you are BIG steps.
If you can't be proud of yourself yet, I hope you'll allow me to be proud and impressed with you!

[Blueberry]

Baby steps BB, please be kind to yourself 

Um, yes, thank you. Now I remember, my T has been working on that with me for a while. Let's see, what does he say? Something like "go a bit easier on yourself."

[Blueberry]

Thank you Sceal, yes, you may feel proud and impressed.

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Very wryly, thanks FOO member for phoning. Showed me how weak my outer boundaries are. My FOO isn't quite as deranged as some FOOs on here and so for the most part I was able to rely on them to not phone or contact them in a way I didn't want. But now one has. Now I need to be active in protecting myself and my boundaries.

Being revictimised or retraumatised can't be too healthy for any of us. But I read on some other website yesterday that there is a limit to the number of times we can stand being traumatised and retraumatised. Maybe a limit to the number of times our brains can handle it. After both Horrendous FOO Events I lost non-related memories, I also lost some capacity to form new memories, also of non-related people and events. So I'm already allowing a form of brain damage to take place. Maybe I can get that capacity back. But I sure won't be getting it back so long as I'm allowing FOO to stand around my swimming pool walls and break them down with abandon. Not often. But whenever they happen to feel like it.

They're in their roles, and they're not going to change, because they feel more or less comfortable where they are. And if they're not comfortable, they can blame me.

Not often. I wrote it myself above. And then remembered that that was one of M's excuse for B1's physical abuse of me. It was not often.

B1sees it as the role of "stronger person to reach out to weaker", he told me that years ago. He's magnanimously extending a hand to me, either because he's forgotten how he treated me last time we were in contact, or because he doesn't care.

He's also deciding by that who's weaker, who's stronger. I'm stronger than FOO thinks, otherwise I would have collapsed years ago. They are not as strong as they think at all. They can't stand to look at their own issues too long, if at all. It varies by FOO member.

I'm like the domestic violence victim who goes back for more. Because I get some good from FOO, I still tend to overlook the bad. And yeah, I'm frightened of some repercussion. NTS: Time to act.