I am going to try this again...

[Badmemories]

I was an active member at the beginning of this forum. I just dropped out one day and no one heard from me again. I don't know why I did that...I really just had a nervous breakdown It lasted about 2 years. Now because I get depressed in the winter I am also very depressed.

I did learn many positive things from the group that did help me. I learned about setting boundaries. I have stood with Most boundaries I have set. Now, I state My boundary and hold to its firm. It has helped me with finances. I am not just giving money away to people that make way more than me. It was a little strange for me.

I did try and start a new relationship with My Sister and that has not gone well...I have been accused by a Narcissist that I spread bad rumors about My Sister that I had not even thought about. She believes the Narc. My Psych. told me she was delusional. (he is her psych also!) I have tried to spread and give Her God's love and that Has not worked. So, that has me going back to My Childhood again looking at cause and effect for C-PSD. I am not beating My head against the wall

I am the Oldest child and I remember many things She does not remember and of course she thinks I am making things up...so I have been working on things as they come up. That's part of what caused My nervous breakdown before when I quit posting here.
So many things kept coming up and I was just bogged down because of it. At the time I felt like I had to quit. I was getting too depressed and it was going deeper and deeper.

I still have a relationship with My narc Mom. In some ways, she is getting better. She has even apologized a few times to Me! I did Get her and My Sister talking to her again. Mom had totally cut her OFF. Mom felt offended when She makes up this stuff about how bad her childhood was and MOM can't take it (because most of it is lies) I don't know how to deal with it in a positive way.

it would seem that My Sister and I should be able to discuss the abuse and work things out together. What happens with My mentally ill Sister is that NONE had it as Bad as HER. She was treated like a little princess in IMHO. I was the stepchild that was not loved and WAS abused. My Sis was the bright and shining light for My stepfamily because she had the first Girl child in a world of pedophiles. Even at that age, I watched her like a guard dog to make sure she was NOT abused by her Blood family. (i am almost 6 years older.) So, part of My depression is that I can't help her get well, and I realized that I can't have the relationship I want to with her. In fact, after the latest spew of garbage she was accusing me of I told Her that I thought She should stay away from Me if She thought I was so evil. Then She was/is creating lies and telling My Mom about me.    I did confront her and she said "Well You have been in contact all those years that I could not have with her, so now it is My turn."

At the same time, I noticed My MOM getting Crabby at me for no reason. So, Now I don't have a relationship with My mom now much either. (Not that it was that great, It was more of a fair weather friends type relationship0   I guess that is the flying monkeys' syndrome. I have learned to just let it be and NOT worry about it like I used to. I can't change it, I have no control over it, and I did not start it.

Kizzy, I am sorry for the delay in starting so much later than what I wanted to. I probably should be posting also on the Out of the fog site but I am not sure I have the time, energy or mental capacity to do both.

I would like to work on taking better care of Myself as a goal for being here and posting here. I know that sounds small but it has been a lifelong problem of mine since I was a child. Always neglecting Myself to take care of everyone else. I'd also like to work on the C-PTSD. some but not enough to have a nervous breakdown again...     

[Rainagain]

Hi

Ive not been here very long, just want to welcome you back and I hope you do take care of yourself, self kindness is crucial I think.

[Three Roses]

Welcome back! Its great to meet you. 

[Kizzie]

Oh my gosh, welcome back BadMemories    so good to hear from you. I've often thought of you and wondered how you were doing. I'm so sorry to hear what a time you've been through   

I do hope being back will help. Post as much or as little as you can manage right now in the moment. There's no pressure, just go at your own pace. There are lots of us who grew up with and are still dealing with people with NPD so no need to head over to OOTF at all or until you are up to it imo.

[Blueberry]

Hello Badmemories  I remember your avatar from when I first joined and was reading old, old posts.

It's great that you've come back. I'm so sorry you had a nervous breakdown for so long.

I think self-care is a really good goal. I have a lot of trouble with it, myself, especially in very depressive phases.  I find this thread http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8350.0 a useful tool. I can write down that I got out of bed, showered and took my meds. Sometimes that's all difficult and a good feeling that I actually accomplished it.

This is also a good spot for self-care: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8269.0

Hope to see you around the boards!