Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

It was great to experience that positive thing. Definitely not the easiesr experience but I am glad I had it 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Hope your hand injury gets better soon.  Was glad to see you enjoyed spending the weekend with your friend and your friend's parents and that they treated you so positively - that must have been a really amazing experience to have.  I can understand that.  It sounds special.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Glad to hear that you had a good time in your friend's house. It's nice to have a change of environment sometimes, and form much more healthier relationships with people like that. That's great. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both 

So tonight as I am sitting whining about being sick to a friend of mine, a woman from my past tried to friend me on Facebook. She was the mom of a girl I feel like I failed, and the aunt of one of my worst abusers. I am not sure what to think of it... why she would out of the blue decide to friend me. I just kind of froze for a second I sure what to do.

I haven't responded, and honestly probably won't. It may not be for any particular reason but I certainly don't want it to be for something and it to blow up. I don't have any hard feelings towards her but it brings up some rough stuff. I don't talk about the stuff with her much, never have talked about it specifically before...

I need to focus on healing this physical sickness but the world has a funny way of reminding me of things I have done 

[Elphanigh]

I am feeling more stable than I have in weeks. There is a ton to do but I have allowed myself to sit back for a few days to heal. Getting a sinus infection really has made it imperative that I did. Only worked 5 hour days and spent time rest on either side of them. I have to work this evening to pay rent, but I gave away my morning shift to save myself from having a 12 hour day while sick. These 60 hour work weeks are really taking a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have been applying around to jobs that would only be 40 hours a week, and could be more income. I am hopeful that something comes through but it has not in the last month. I will be more active in this though. As a survivor, and just a human being, I need more rest and time off than I am getting. I cannot sustain the lack of days off, and sheer amount of hours waiting for busy season to come along. Busy season is such great money and worth the stress, however the rest of the year is no longer worth it.

I am putting myself back into the position I did in college and I never want to go back to being that girl. I am much stronger, wiser, and more healed. I know my life needs a balance because I am healing, back then I was so driven to acheive everything that was more quantifiable. Now I recognize that healing and finding some peace in this life is something to strive for. I can't work my way to a better life. I have to heal and learn to embrace some of the quiet. Being constantly busy isn't what I want in my life. I don't truly know what I want in my life, but I know I want to be healthy. That is what I am striving for. Starting with not forcing myself to be crazy busy, and hopefully finding something that allows me the freedom to do that.

Financially I do not have that option with my jobs currently, because of the wages I have. Sadly I am part of that 20 something year old group that has too much debt, works too many hours, and still barely makes ends meet. I can push myself to keep it up if I have to but I truly do not want to do that. I am not longer the person that thrived on that. It is frustrating sometimes that I am not, but I am finding that maybe it is okay to not be that girl anymore. Having things like proper insurance, paid time off, and only 5 day weeks sounds like a dream.. especially if it is something that I can actually live off of. I would keep my serving job on the side to allow myself to pick up and put all of that toward savings, but would not have to pick up if I didn't want to.

Anyways, relating this to survivor cptsd things... as a girl the only things that could save me were being busy and being an overachiever. The more I was away from home doing activities the less time I was around my abusers. Overachieving came naturally to me, because I do have a knack for academics, music, and sports. I was just naturally well rounded without trying (yes I felt guilty for that). Keeping all of that up, and being the perfect student kept my family happier with me. It kept the love and affection I was getting. If I did not get those perfect grades, or didn't make the team/ get accepted into that honors group I wasn't as loved or cared for. MY siblings got off much easier on that front, but because I achieved naturally it was no longer okay for me to not do extremely well.

I learned that being busy, doing hours of work, and spreading myself extremely thin was how I would succeed. It was how I would get out of my abuse, it was how I would find love and respect in this world. It did get me out of my abuse, I got to leave home at 18 to go to school, because I had the grades and the full resume. It got me away, but it also got me depression, anxiety, and eating disorder, and just all around unhealthy habits. I am grateful for that part of me for getting me away from my past, but I don't need her anymore. Not to that level. I like my drive and motivation, I am glad I am a driven person and I need that piece of her. However, I don't need to exist in overdrive anymore. I got out, and stayed out. I work hard now to stay out, to stay independent. I think I am afraid of ever having to go back if I stop working, if I stop moving. That won't happen though, I have become a responsible adult with resources that would help me that would keep me from going back.

I can find a balance. I am determined to. I deserve to find that balance. I deserve that peace of mind and rest. It may not be the giant dreams that I once had, but it is a beautiful thing to wish for. I want a career and to help the world, but no longer at the expense of my own well being and peace. I deserve that much. I have been through so much more before 24 than some people see their whole lives.

I didn't really intend this post to go this direction, but I felt the need to get some stuff out. I have honestly started crying as I wrote the second half of this. It is a big revelation for me. Part of me feels bad for wanting this, and for not constantly working for me. However, is it truly bad to want to work 40 hours a week, be able to comfortably live, focus on healing, and just rest some? 

I feel like I am too young to want that, but it is what I want right now. Eventually something more but definitely in that frame of mind still.

[sanmagic7]

absolutely not bad to want that for yourself, sweetie.  doesn't matter what age you are.  you're right to know that you deserve it.  i hope a new job pans out and you get what you need. 

i'm also glad you're looking for balance now.  i was in my 60's before that concept figured into my life.  i'm taking up your offer of the healing porch.  meet you there.  love you always.  big hug filled with health and healing.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, I am glad it is okay to be feeling this so young. I am grateful that you did eventually find balance in your life, I am only finding it so early because I am surrounded by people that have been through this. I reap the benefits of all the experience that people share with me.

Meet you at the porch San 



First I need to write something down. I hadn't thought about this yet. My grandparents moved out of my old childhood home a few weeks ago, and my parents now have to sell it since they own it. My M was telling me they have been painting white over all the walls, our rooms were so bright and one of the few things that I could cling to that was positive in that house.

I realize that I will probably never need to go to that place ever again. That was the place where I grew up, but that was also the place where I was abused the worst. Yet I find myself sad, also relieved, but it is a mix of emotions. I am not honestly sure what I should be feeling or what I do truly feel about that. So much of my pain happened there, and I will never have to step foot into it.

I will never have to step in the house and pretend I don't see the abuse that happened in every square inch. I don't have to stand in the living room chatting with everyone while fighting off the images of one or another abuser raping me. I don't have to avoid going to the bathroom in that house, because it triggers me to remember the violence that happened there.

I should be glad to never go there again, but honestly I don't know how to feel. It is confusing.

[sanmagic7]

no shoulds, honey.  your feelings, no matter what they may turn out to be are valid.  when i quit smoking, as harmful as cigs are for me, i wanted them back every day.  still do.  doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to.  it just is.

same with your feelings, whatever they are, they are.  that's why this is called complex trauma.  there's nothing simple or easy about it.  love you my dearest el.

[Elphanigh]

That is a good reminder for me. I need to be reminded that my feelings are valid no matter what they, that there isn't some prescribed feeling I need to have at this juncture. It is a confusing strand of emotions, knowing my childhood home is being stripped of its personality and any sign I was ever there.

Someone else is going to live there and not have any clue what those walls held. Not the good, not the bad. That place made me who I am, good or bad. It was my home even if I didn't want it to be a lot of times. It is confusing to lose a place like that.  It saw my worst nightmares time and time again, but it also saw my good days. It saw some of the biggest joys too. The times I wasn't just the abused kid, times I got to be happy. 

[Elphanigh]

I feel like a piece of me I should missing some closure not being there to help in this process, or to at least decide if I truly want to help in the process. There would be some closure in being able to say goodbye to that place, even if no one else understood it. There is a lot of things I could just say to that house, I know it is an inanimate object but it holds a lot.

The little girl in me both hates and loves that place. She needs some closure, so does adult me. There are very few ways I get to have that.

[Elphanigh]

We had one tornado touch down about five minutes drive from my apartment, and two others ready to form close to that's one tonight. Storm sirens, lots of wind, rain, and hail.. the whole works. As I was sitting in my bathroom with my cats (it is the closest thing to a tornado shelter in my top floor apartment)  I realized these storms trigger some fear in little me. My inner child freaks out while the adult part of me angles things like moving to a different room, updating people that need to know, checking on my friends in the area, gathering a few candles and a flashlight just in case, etc....

That has been over for a solid fourty five minutes, the storm has reduced to what is considered calm around here... and I am still just calming that anxious little girl. I have lived near these for the better part of five years but I am not sure I will ever get use  to being told that there is a tornado five minutes from me. That could easily turn into on top of me... the warnings are manageable but real ones are terrifying. I saw one when I was a little girl, barely remember it but I think it left a scar on some part of my brain that doesn't remember.

Anyways going to eat some sherbet and read, hoping that will allow my inner child some peace so I can sleep. Thanks for giving me a place to put such random realizations

[Sceal]

That sounds really scary! And your adult-you handled it really well.
I hope the sherbet and reading managed to calm little-you, so the anxiety went away

[Elphanigh]

Thank you  the sherbet and reading did work really well. I got some good sleep, thankfully

[sanmagic7]

i grew up in tornado country, so i know the drill, the sirens, the close-by touchdowns, and the storms that accompany them.  i'm so very glad you were able to take care of little you, and do what you needed to do afterwards for both of you.  well done, sweetie.

i think finding a way, some kind of ritual maybe, to get closure on that house and everything it contains would be a grand idea for you.  don't know if you have any photos of it that you could burn (possibly) or go there and get a piece of something from it, maybe a leaf off a bush or a blade of grass, even, that would symbolize the house for you.  say a little something that would close it up for you and toss it, flush it, burn it - whatever might work best for you.  just some ideas.

closure has always helped me especially when it's been with something tangible.  i hope you can put it to rest.  and, yeah, swirling emotions.  of course.   love you and a big hug, el.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you understand the sirens and such. I didn't grow up here so I am still adapting.. Thank you for reminding me I did well.

San, I might have a picture or something. I am not sure what else I have from the house, if I get the chance it would be nice to have a hair or two of the blue carpet.. something about the floor of that house just makes me cringe. I had never thought about it fully until right now, and it just makes my body immediately react. I not the fact I can remember how that floor felt, and remember trying to grip it when things got bad but it is not a long enough type carpet for that so the tips of my fingers would be red from trying to dig.

It was once a pleasing blue color, but now I think is only full of the times I spent shoved between it and a person... often carpet burns if things were violent or times when I wasn't allowed on the furniture because I had messed up that day...

Yes, as much as that particularly thing makes me feel, it will be what I burn with a picture of it. I am not sure if I will be able to get into the house or not when I am there, but if I can it is what I will choose. I can get a tiny bit without really causing any damage to it, and it might be the kind of ritual closure I need. Add in a bit of the grass that grows behind the shed out back (that is  another big trigger spot) and I would have a pretty strong set of things to help me maybe release some.